reflecting on the last three years……..

[Calm Waters]

Its my birthday today - 57 years old - and I am reflecting on the impact BPD has had on my life over the last 3 years and the whole of my life.It's been pretty catastrophic but somehow I and most of my family have survived. My son who attempted suicide by jumping from the 5th floor ( more accurately I had to let him go for fear of my own life) is walking  and reasonably well physically - emotionally he is still in a bad way however, he is back home with us at 27 yo and is full of self loathing that has a huge impact on his younger brother and myself and my wife, i'm still not sure if he is BPD as its very complicated. My mother gave up and starved herself to death in 2013 having been BPD all her life and my previous girlfriend who attempted suicide in 2012 but recovered is definitely BPD, thankfully I never see her but I wish her well.

I realise now that most of my life has been a flight from BPD but it keeps coming back. My BPD parents tried to control me so I left, My BPD son was triggering my childhood issues so I left my marriage after 30 years but ran straight in to the arms and breast of another BPD. Now I am back in my family my son is still forcing me to manage with his BPD and suicidality. It feels like a cage from which there is no escape as the love I have for me sons and my wife keeps me in the cage despite years of therapy and now intervention from mental health services.

So do I resign myself to a life that is limited by this catastrophic illness, do I carry on working to try and get my family to a place of calm and safety? there have been times that I have felt so overwhelmed that I have wanted to give up on life - but never would. I certainly can't run away again…. except in my head.

[vortex of confusion]

   

It sounds like you are in a very tough spot.

As I read your post, my first thought was, "When do you ever take time for yourself?" What do you do to recharge your batteries?

Burn out is quite common for people that find themselves in position of primary caretaker. When is the last time you had a vacation or took some time to do something for yourself?

I am like you in that it feels like most of the people in my life have some kind of mental illnesses. All of my siblings have attempted suicide at one time or another. When I was a lot younger (20+ years ago), I attempted it.

I haven't since but there are times when I get so overwhelmed trying to work on myself and keep things together that I just need to get away for a while, even if for just a day. Heck, even an extra long shower helps at times. Anything to help me take a deep breath and keep on going.