Split black-Will she contact?-She gave strong reasons for break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sitting her thinking today, had to take a 4.5hr round trip drive, and I am wanting some opinions. 

My uBPDexgf ended things (took her 2 weeks) because she (1) felt she needed to be alone because she has never been more than 4-5mo without a relationship, (2) feels that a true Christian man will solve any future relationship issues and provide daily Spiritual support, and (3) we had too much conflict over her Ex(they way they got along pertaining to the kids) and over Spiritual things.

Like a big dummy I panicked because I was in full codependency mode and fear of losing her and spoke to her Mom about trying to be sure she gets help for her struggles as Mom is the only hope.  This was at the beginning of week 3. Mom was gracious to me but then turned things around and told her that I felt she could not survive without me and that she felt I was obsessed and that she was fearful for the safety of the exGF and her kids.  6 days after meeting Mon I get a text from the exGF saying that I am the one with mental issues, she feels sorry for me, to never contact her family, friends, kids again. (she left herself off this list but I may be reading into it, ).  She also mentioned that contacting her Mom crossed a boundary and that we would never be together again.

The never be together again is in reference to this:
"There were no mixed messages on my part…I broke up with you.  I wouldn’t say we would never be together again because I don’t know the future but that was not a mixed message.  You turned it into a mixed message.  I can say to you now that we will NEVER be together again."

My internal response to the mixed message is this... .Breaking up with me by saying she needed to be alone and that she needed a Christian man and then saying that "you never know what the future holds" when I asked if we were done for good is a mixed message.  It implies that the standards that exclude me may someday disappear and that I could possibly be an option again.  That provides false hope.

So, does anyone think she will actually reach out at some point wanting to restart the relationship?
Any input is greatly appreciated.  I know this seems complex and I can clear things up if needed.

I am currently seeing a Counselor for all of this stuff that was caused and some stuff that I am apparently harboring from my youth and myself.

[Doughboy]

Sitting her thinking today, had to take a 4.5hr round trip drive, and I am wanting some opinions. 

My uBPDexgf ended things (took her 2 weeks) because she (1) felt she needed to be alone because she has never been more than 4-5mo without a relationship, (2) feels that a true Christian man will solve any future relationship issues and provide daily Spiritual support, and (3) we had too much conflict over her Ex(they way they got along pertaining to the kids) and over Spiritual things.

Like a big dummy I panicked because I was in full codependency mode and fear of losing her and spoke to her Mom about trying to be sure she gets help for her struggles as Mom is the only hope.  This was at the beginning of week 3. Mom was gracious to me but then turned things around and told her that I felt she could not survive without me and that she felt I was obsessed and that she was fearful for the safety of the exGF and her kids.  6 days after meeting Mon I get a text from the exGF saying that I am the one with mental issues, she feels sorry for me, to never contact her family, friends, kids again. (she left herself off this list but I may be reading into it, ).  She also mentioned that contacting her Mom crossed a boundary and that we would never be together again.

The never be together again is in reference to this:
"There were no mixed messages on my part…I broke up with you.  I wouldn’t say we would never be together again because I don’t know the future but that was not a mixed message.  You turned it into a mixed message.  I can say to you now that we will NEVER be together again."

My internal response to the mixed message is this... .Breaking up with me by saying she needed to be alone and that she needed a Christian man and then saying that "you never know what the future holds" when I asked if we were done for good is a mixed message.  It implies that the standards that exclude me may someday disappear and that I could possibly be an option again.  That provides false hope.

So, does anyone think she will actually reach out at some point wanting to restart the relationship?
Any input is greatly appreciated.  I know this seems complex and I can clear things up if needed.

I am currently seeing a Counselor for all of this stuff that was caused and some stuff that I am apparently harboring from my youth and myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Ox,

I'm sorry that your relationship took a turn for the worse  It's hard, I know. The feelings can be so intense, and I imagine the 4.5 hour round trip drive gave you lots of time to think.

How long were you and your GF together? Must be hard to not only lose contact with her, but with the kids, too.

She may need a cooling off period. Are you able to go no contact for now, or is that hard to do for you?

It's great that you have a counselor to talk to, that can make all the difference.

Does your counselor have thoughts on your hopes to reunite with your GF?

LnL

[Doughboy]

How long were you and your GF together? Must be hard to not only lose contact with her, but with the kids, too.

Two different times. The first from 8/15 to 6/16 and then from 8/16 to 4/1/17.  The first split was due to her need to get back closer to God and that she needed to be alone.  She said she hoped to take a year and then maybe would get back together at that time if I was still available.  We spent the 1st Summer texting every couple of days and playing Words with Friends because she said it allowed her to still feel connected.  We ended up back together because with permission I called her 8/1/16 to wish her a good 1st day of school (teacher) and she just started calling me every morning and afternoon.

Important note is that I graduated High School with her sister and she was 1 year behind me,  So, we knew each other then and reconnected in 8/2015.

She may need a cooling off period. Are you able to go no contact for now, or is that hard to do for you?

Oh we are a HARD NC.  Last text, the nasty one, was 4/24.  Last phone call was 4/15 and the last time I saw/ held her was 3/23.  It is bruta but that last text set a tone.

Does your counselor have thoughts on your hopes to reunite with your GF?

My Counselor is adament she will contact me for validation at some point but also says that unless she is willing to get evaluated for BPD tendencies, waif type, and get treatment that I should not even consider it.  She actually said today that if I do get back with her that she(Counselor) and I will fight! .

I just do not see her contacting to rekindle a relationship.  Maybe to validate but not a relationship.

[Doughboy]

Just reread this and can't believe it happened and it has been so long since I have heard from her... .

At some point I need to give up and move to ":)etach" but I have no idea when that day will come.  Anyone have any insight to that?

[Doughboy]

Heard from her today.  Not necessarily split black but she is done.  She replied to an email I sent and is not interested in trying again now or at any point in the future.  I will include my email and her reply 10 days later below.  We also had a phone call today where just reaffirmed her "done" views from the email.  She seemed VERY detached from the whole thing emotionally.  I asked during the call if she was dating and that was meant with total silence... .

My email:
"Hope this is okay.  I have become aware of many things that I did during the relationship that caused you frustration.  Some you pointed out over time and some you didn't.  I guess I never really understood your perspective or maybe just never took the time to try and understand.  

The reasons for this are complex and I will not get into them other than to say that i became completely worn out/tired and was reacting to things instead of responding.

I apologize for not validating your feeling enough, especially regarding John.  I had blinders on and was in pure fix it mode.  I imagine this is probably the item you found most frustrating and disillusioning.

I also apologize for not having the proper level of empathy regarding so many different things.  I started to just look at solutions, (which was your responsibility and not mine which in itself is invalidating, ugh) and ignored the underlying emotions.

Finally, to keep this short since it is an invasion, I apologize for always trying to explain, argue, defend, and justify my actions instead of just accepting how you felt about what may have transpired.  

I can understand how you became worn out by me and us to a certain extent.

Thanks if you read this,

Pxxx

PS: I hope you understand that I am not some Monster that you need to be afraid of going forward.  I will continue to be a last line of defense if you ever need it."

Her response:
I just saw this... .

I have never before nor never will see you as a monster.  I think you are an incredibly good man.  For you to suggest that is one of the many issues that became so frustrating for me.  You twist things because of your insecurities.  You want to find validation by making comments that force people to tell you that you are a good person. That is exhausting.

I have had time to process things and try to understand what I was feeling. I think so many of the issues I had were a result of insecurities you have.  I am by no means blaming you for everything, however, I truly, in my heart, believe that you will change the words I have said to make you look like the victim.  I just think that you have incredible insecurities which caused you to freak out and need to constantly push and not allow me to be me.  You didn't allow me time to be alone while we were together.  You didn't allow me to have time to be with my kids without you making me feel guilty about it.  You couldn't handle the fact that you weren't going to get all of my attention and because of that you felt you had to push your way into my life.  If you only could have seen that pushing wasn't the answer and it was ultimately the cause of the end.

Yes, spirituality was and is a very important thing to me and I need to be with someone who has similar values.  However, I have never said you aren't good enough because you aren't a christian.  YOU said that and told others that's what I thought.  You said the exact same thing about Lxxxx.  I have come to see how many words you twisted over time.  You gave your version of what was said but not really what was said nor the intention of things said.  

You told your Exwife and maybe Mxxx, that my mom reached out to you and wanted to get together and talk because she was worried about me. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, BTW)  That was a total ___ing lie!  And why would you lie about that?  You contacted her... .I have the texts.  You tried to manipulate her and make her feel guilty by telling her not to tell me what was discussed.  You don't even see the manipulation and lies.  That is completely ___ed up, Pxxx.  I don't mean to be harsh but I don't know if you can see reality.  It's incredibly upsetting.

I hated the last text I sent you.  It was painful me to say such things because that is not who I am but I felt that was the only way to get you to understand that you needed to back away and stop pushing.  

Pxxx, I know you loved me.  But until you can love yourself, you can't love anyone else in a healthy way.  You so desperately wanted to be NEEDED that you couldn't see the beauty of being wanted instead of being needed.  

I know that I pulled back at times and that was upsetting to you and I can understand why it was upsetting.  I was reacting.  I know I kep things inside because I was afraid of reactions or believed that it really didn't matter what I said or thought.  I know there were so many things I did and didn't do that caused problems in our relationship.  For that I am truly sorry.  I am sorry for causing you pain and hurting you.

I want you to know that there are things I miss about you and about us.  Unfortunately, all we can both do at this point is move forward and learn from this relationship.  

Thank you for showing me love and for being the first man to ever make love to me.  Thank you for all the things you did for me to ease the burdens of daily life.  Thank you for being a part of my life and for loving me and my girls.  I hope you know and believe that I loved you and wanted you.  

I truly want nothing but for the best for you,Pxxx.  I hope things are improving with the business and that you were able to work out some sort of deal with Ron.  I desperately want your business to survive.  

I still have a few things I need to get to you.  Your debit card, a yellow tuperware bowl, a travel coffee mug, and the ring.  My mom dropped off the Star Wars movies to Txxx.  I am sorry I haven't sent them sooner but you know me well enough to know that I'm not good at getting things done in a timely fashion.  I do apologize for that and I will try to get it all together and sent off this week.

I hope you are having a good holiday weekend and that you have a good summer.  I also truly hope you will go to the Cheap Trick concert.  It would mean so much to me if you went to it.  I have attached the tickets.  Maybe you and Mxxx can go.  I know it's in Indy but maybe you will still consider going.  

Please take care of yourself.


So basically the email and the call were filled with everything is your fault.  Anything she did was just a response to my actions.  We are back to no contact at all because that is what is best for me as it will prevent me from having any hope that we might get back together.  When I asked what SHE wanted regarding contact, not what was best for me in her opinion, she said she didn't know but that NC would be the best way to go.

UGH.

[markinlondon]

Heard from her today.  Not necessarily split black but she is done.  She replied to an email I sent and is not interested in trying again now or at any point in the future.  I will include my email and her reply 10 days later below.  We also had a phone call today where just reaffirmed her "done" views from the email.  She seemed VERY detached from the whole thing emotionally.  I asked during the call if she was dating and that was meant with total silence... .

My email:
"Hope this is okay.  I have become aware of many things that I did during the relationship that caused you frustration.  Some you pointed out over time and some you didn't.  I guess I never really understood your perspective or maybe just never took the time to try and understand.  

The reasons for this are complex and I will not get into them other than to say that i became completely worn out/tired and was reacting to things instead of responding.

I apologize for not validating your feeling enough, especially regarding John.  I had blinders on and was in pure fix it mode.  I imagine this is probably the item you found most frustrating and disillusioning.

I also apologize for not having the proper level of empathy regarding so many different things.  I started to just look at solutions, (which was your responsibility and not mine which in itself is invalidating, ugh) and ignored the underlying emotions.

Finally, to keep this short since it is an invasion, I apologize for always trying to explain, argue, defend, and justify my actions instead of just accepting how you felt about what may have transpired.  

I can understand how you became worn out by me and us to a certain extent.

Thanks if you read this,

Pxxx

PS: I hope you understand that I am not some Monster that you need to be afraid of going forward.  I will continue to be a last line of defense if you ever need it."

Her response:
I just saw this... .

I have never before nor never will see you as a monster.  I think you are an incredibly good man.  For you to suggest that is one of the many issues that became so frustrating for me.  You twist things because of your insecurities.  You want to find validation by making comments that force people to tell you that you are a good person. That is exhausting.

I have had time to process things and try to understand what I was feeling. I think so many of the issues I had were a result of insecurities you have.  I am by no means blaming you for everything, however, I truly, in my heart, believe that you will change the words I have said to make you look like the victim.  I just think that you have incredible insecurities which caused you to freak out and need to constantly push and not allow me to be me.  You didn't allow me time to be alone while we were together.  You didn't allow me to have time to be with my kids without you making me feel guilty about it.  You couldn't handle the fact that you weren't going to get all of my attention and because of that you felt you had to push your way into my life.  If you only could have seen that pushing wasn't the answer and it was ultimately the cause of the end.

Yes, spirituality was and is a very important thing to me and I need to be with someone who has similar values.  However, I have never said you aren't good enough because you aren't a christian.  YOU said that and told others that's what I thought.  You said the exact same thing about Lxxxx.  I have come to see how many words you twisted over time.  You gave your version of what was said but not really what was said nor the intention of things said.  

You told your Exwife and maybe Mxxx, that my mom reached out to you and wanted to get together and talk because she was worried about me. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, BTW)  That was a total ___ing lie!  And why would you lie about that?  You contacted her... .I have the texts.  You tried to manipulate her and make her feel guilty by telling her not to tell me what was discussed.  You don't even see the manipulation and lies.  That is completely ___ed up, Pxxx.  I don't mean to be harsh but I don't know if you can see reality.  It's incredibly upsetting.

I hated the last text I sent you.  It was painful me to say such things because that is not who I am but I felt that was the only way to get you to understand that you needed to back away and stop pushing.  

Pxxx, I know you loved me.  But until you can love yourself, you can't love anyone else in a healthy way.  You so desperately wanted to be NEEDED that you couldn't see the beauty of being wanted instead of being needed.  

I know that I pulled back at times and that was upsetting to you and I can understand why it was upsetting.  I was reacting.  I know I kep things inside because I was afraid of reactions or believed that it really didn't matter what I said or thought.  I know there were so many things I did and didn't do that caused problems in our relationship.  For that I am truly sorry.  I am sorry for causing you pain and hurting you.

I want you to know that there are things I miss about you and about us.  Unfortunately, all we can both do at this point is move forward and learn from this relationship.  

Thank you for showing me love and for being the first man to ever make love to me.  Thank you for all the things you did for me to ease the burdens of daily life.  Thank you for being a part of my life and for loving me and my girls.  I hope you know and believe that I loved you and wanted you.  

I truly want nothing but for the best for you,Pxxx.  I hope things are improving with the business and that you were able to work out some sort of deal with Ron.  I desperately want your business to survive.  

I still have a few things I need to get to you.  Your debit card, a yellow tuperware bowl, a travel coffee mug, and the ring.  My mom dropped off the Star Wars movies to Txxx.  I am sorry I haven't sent them sooner but you know me well enough to know that I'm not good at getting things done in a timely fashion.  I do apologize for that and I will try to get it all together and sent off this week.

I hope you are having a good holiday weekend and that you have a good summer.  I also truly hope you will go to the Cheap Trick concert.  It would mean so much to me if you went to it.  I have attached the tickets.  Maybe you and Mxxx can go.  I know it's in Indy but maybe you will still consider going.  

Please take care of yourself.


So basically the email and the call were filled with everything is your fault.  Anything she did was just a response to my actions.  We are back to no contact at all because that is what is best for me as it will prevent me from having any hope that we might get back together.  When I asked what SHE wanted regarding contact, not what was best for me in her opinion, she said she didn't know but that NC would be the best way to go.

UGH.

I find it so amazing that they all say the same things.  Perceived control.