Pregnancy and miscarriage

[search4peace]

I am a recidivist.

Its been about 8 years since I vowed never again to enter the BPD world, but like many others who return to a familiar place, I just ended a 3yr r/s with a woman who shows many BPD traits, albeit more subtle.  I clearly did not adequately address my own co-dependency issues, and my people-pleaser self found a new and progressively dysfunctional home.

My question relates to a series of events that occurred and which ultimately signaled the end for us.  In spite of our efforts to avoid it, she told me in March that she was pregnant. (She's about to turn 45)  This was a definite "oops" moment.  I was shell-shocked, and she was elated at what she called her "miracle love child", in spite of the fact that I had made clear that I could not support starting a 2nd family.  She was clearly expecting that I would change my mind with the news, but when I gently told her otherwise, she went ballistic.

The situation complicated - she is 5yr legally separated from her exH with a needy emotionally unstable 7yo son.  She is unemployed, no longer receives alimony, suffers from mild ADD and orthorexia nervosa (eating disorder).  I fell for her hard during our 2nd date and never really drew any boundaries, and ignored my own flags many times that I needed to end it - a story familiar to most readers here.  Anyway, it was clear that she would not consider terminating the pregnancy, and I simply could not engage her in any rational conversation of what this child would mean to everyone involved, including the care of her own needy son, her future career, her pending divorce, etc. She saw me as someone who only wanted to kill her baby, and she basically shut me out the next day.  weeks later I received a few charming emails clearly designed to re-engage, but I was not ready or able to play the game and needed time to sort things out for myself.

A few weeks later, she texted me that "the baby died", and "Please do not contact me".

We have been NC ever since.

I can only assume she is in great pain and possibly at times even blames it all on me. I am utterly miserable - shame for being so vulnerable to this drama, guilt for hurting her, though unintentionally, ungrounded anger at her, and a sense of profound loss over something I fear was never real and which could be so quickly undone.  I want to reach out, but my T and family all advise to keep NC.  So so hard.

Does anyone have personal experience with the effects of pregnancy and miscarriage for those with BPD?  I cant imagine its pretty.

Thank you.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Sorry to hear that Search

Did you see the pregnancy test or go with her to the doctor?  It's a tough situation either way.  I do know nothing is off limits for BPDs. I knew a woman who got married because of a pregnancy and had a miscarriage on her wedding day, but still had the wedding. No one could really prove whether she had actually been pregnant or not, and the BPD traits started to emerge over the next few years.

Not saying your situation is the same, just something to consider. I also think from a medical standpoint, stress can cause miscarriages and sometimes women can even increase the odds of a miscarriage by creating stress and mistreating themselves.

Hang in there.

[Madison66]

search4peace,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this excruciatingly tough situation.  I was in a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf who has three young kids (2,4 and 8 when we got together in 2010).  Her exH had left her for another woman while she was pregnant with her youngest, and she admitted to me that she got pregnant on purpose to save the marriage while her H was obviously out having an affair.  I don't know all the details, but that's what she told me.

When we got together, I was six months out of a marriage and she was legally separated for a year, and her divorce proceeding would go on for half of our r/s.  Her three kids all had emotional, behavioral and learning disorders.  She used to say to me "you can never leave me because my kids will be destroyed".  So, I can relate to how it must feel to walk away from an obviously disordered gf and her young son.  I struggled with the pain, shame, anger, loneliness, etc.  I also worried about her getting pregnant during the last six months of the r/s when things were getting worse and worse.  It didn't happen and I am thankful!  My ex gf used an illness or faked illness to attempt to recycle with me.  She also used her kids to attempt to lure me back in.  I agonized over it, but didn't break n/c and continued on.

So, I can't give you any advice or share experiences regarding pregnancy and miscarriage by BPD ex gf.  I can share this with you that my biggest struggle in my recover and detachment was to shed the shame that I felt for leaving the r/s and the young kids.  It was rough, rough, rough!  I had a fantastic T who helped me focus inward and begin taking care of myself first.  I know I left my ex gf and her kids in a better place than I found them.  I also know that the r/s was unhealthy and that me continuing in it would jeopardize who I am and my energy and love for everyone in my life.  In other words, I have to take care of myself to be the best I can for those around me.  That one discovery has changed my life and will most likely have ripple effects on people in my life moving forward. 

Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  It is heavy stuff and I can only suggest that you seek out a T to help you work through it and to help you get to the root of some of your co-dependency and people pleasing traits.  Stay the coarse with n/c and take care of yourself first, and keep posting here.  I'm 18 months out and post here from time to time to help with my own awareness and hopefully to help others.  Good luck!

[search4peace]

Thanksforplaying... .she showed me the sonogram taken at 6weeks, in which I couldn't really see anything, but I understood that she was scheduled for a 2nd sono at 8 weeks and had a consult lined up with a genetic counselor.  I was never included in any of these meetings or their outcomes, which i felt was odd, but very consistent with her controlling behavior.

Madison,

Thank you for your sympathy. I should add that most recently, she sent me an impersonal email asking me to forward some pics to her son from my recent trip overseas, specifying that they should not contain any pics of me or any written personal note. Very controlling and so bizarre in its apparent distance from her recent miscarriage, which i know must have turned her emotional world upside down.

Just wondering how did your eXBPDgf used her children to try to re-engage with you?

Thanks!

[rg1976]

I have experience with this. First there was a miscarriage. For which I was blamed.  Second there was a verified pregnancy after 2 years in... .When I told her my boundaries on the situation, she had an abortion. I told her it would not change our relationship or help. That she could do what she wanted, but I would file for parental rights and parent time, and she would receive child support.

We were on the outs but I did go with her to doctors appointments to be a supportive partner. Of course she took my clearly stated boundary of the fact of a baby not changing our relationship status and distorted that into me saying I planned on trying to have her committed, take her baby away, and raise it with someone else... .

I had my own fears about her leaving with the baby and not being able to be a part of my childs life, but, in the end she decided to have an abortion. I had very mixed feelings about it. As messed up as the situation was between us, and seeing how her kids were being raised and the strife in our relationship, I saw it as the least terrible of terrible options.

Of course, I have my own guilt and regret about it happening, but there was nothing I could do. Legally it was her decision and she made it.

Now, of course, she blames me and uses this as an emotional weapon against me.  All around it is not good.  

I suppose I have learned that there is really nothing I can do in the situation. As much as I would like her to be stable and for things to be good between us, no amount of effort on my part will make things okay. No matter how much I want it to.  I still am putting effort into this, but I know it is pointless.

Thankfully, I have a therapist and a few very close and supportive friends.

Regards,

Rg