hello

[Widmerpool]

Hi,

I've been in a very chaotic, stressful, intermittently abusive relationship for more than ten years now. My significant other and I have two girls ages 9 and 10. I am isolated. I never see my family, and I no longer have friends to speak of. In September of last year, she attacked me, then called the police accusing me of abuse. She was screaming that I would go to jail in front of our girls. When the police arrived, she backed down, but I had had enough. I moved out. I got a lawyer and, over the next few months, tried to set up a household for myself and the girls. It became apparent pretty quickly that I simply didn't have the resources to get joint custody, much less sole custody. In addition, my absence was extremely difficult for the girls. So, after Christmas, I returned. I reasoned that I have to do whatever I can for my children, and a situation in which I have only visitation every other week is just unthinkable.

In the meantime,  she sought help. She received a diagnosis of BPD, and is on medication and, as far as I can tell, seeing a therapist. On the other hand, she still exerts complete control over all finances, giving lip service to communication and working together, but, whenever the subject of money is broached, refusing to discuss matters. I remain in the dark about her spending until we're short, at which point, she freaks out. She's more or less in good spirits most of the time, but I'm always wary. She will turn on me any time without warning, threatening and demeaning. I struggle to hold on to an understanding of things that isn't distorted and destructive. I am severely depressed, but constantly on guard not to show it, lest I provoke her. I'm tired.

Anyway, I thought I  might find some insight here about what to do. Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums! You will find a lot of people here that can relate to what you are going through with your spouse.

Most people recommend starting with the lessons that you can find to the right of the posts. They are packed full of information and it can take a while to wrap your head around it all.

Is there anything specific that you are struggling with the most? That is probably a difficult question to answer right now, especially if you are like I was when I discovered these forums. I didn't know which way was up. And, when I was told to figure out my role in things and stop making things worse I was down right angry.

If you have questions as you read through the lessons, post them. If you are frustrated and need to vent, post about it. If there is a specific situation that has you frustrated and confused, post about it. One of the things that I love about these forums is that they are a safe place to talk about things that the average person doesn't quite understand because there is no way to adequately explain some of this stuff because it is so crazy making.

[Widmerpool]

Thank you, Vortex. I am eager to go through the lessons. I'm currently reading Mason/Kreger's Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's very encouraging to see that what I've been experiencing for so long has a name and an explanation. I suppose one of the things I'm struggling with right now is how to distinguish the person from the disorder. I don't even know if such a distinction can or should be made. It's as if there are two spheres. One is medical/psychological, and the other has to do with morality and the generally accepted rules of civility and decency. It's difficult to reconcile the two.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't know if there is a way to reconcile the two. No matter what the reason behind the behavior, it is still there and isn't likely to go away unless the person seeks some kind of treatment and even then there is a high chance of relapse. At least that is my understanding.

From what all I have read, it seems like it doesn't really matter whether the disorder and the person are distinguished from one another. I think the first thing I had to do was get a grip on what exactly I was looking at in terms of BPD traits. The only diagnosis my husband has is a sex addict and that isn't even a recognized disorder because it wasn't put in the big book of psychiatric stuff (DSM).

After I figure that out, I had to figure out how to stop making things worse. A normal reaction in a normal situation would set my husband off and I would get really confused. It was basically looking at what I have to work with and figuring out how to do it. It has been a long process.

Somewhere in there, I had to figure out what my non-negotiable values were and then figure out how to set boundaries accordingly.

I know some people have been able to accept things better by distinguishing the disorder from the person. I never found that helpful to me.

[an0ught]

Welcome Widmerpool,

good to see you found us. The fact that your wife is diagnosed and is seeking help is a big step forward for her and a good basis for you to start working on yourself.

Thank you, Vortex. I am eager to go through the lessons. I'm currently reading Mason/Kreger's Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's very encouraging to see that what I've been experiencing for so long has a name and an explanation. I suppose one of the things I'm struggling with right now is how to distinguish the person from the disorder. I don't even know if such a distinction can or should be made. It's as if there are two spheres. One is medical/psychological, and the other has to do with morality and the generally accepted rules of civility and decency. It's difficult to reconcile the two.

Yeah, keeping things apart in our head is not easy and reconciling contradiction itself - well that is a tall order. Don't sweat it now too much, it will get easier over time once you recognize the behavioral pattern and have established a routine to protect yourself. Some distance works wonders for your perspective.

I am severely depressed, but constantly on guard not to show it, lest I provoke her.

Speaking of perspective - she has support. You have to focus now on strengthening yourself - from what you wrote it sounds like you are a bit exhausted  .

Energy saver #1 avoid invalidation. Once you understand invalidation you will realize that it is one of the most common triggers. Invalidation mostly can be avoided and avoiding it where reasonable is healthy. Avoiding invalidation is often possible - avoiding what has been triggering in the past is a loosing game as triggering is so situational (including her inner state of mind). Aiming for avoiding triggers is working in us the same mechanisms that are at work sustaining gambling addiction (intermittent re-enforcement). Note: Regularly practicing validation is a good way to learn to avoid invalidation.

As you are struggling with anxiety focusing on validation as a first step is probably easier and a good idea. Still you also need some

Energy saver #2 boundaries. Think where you draw the line and how you do it. There are good workshops in the LESSONS and the board is always helpful to get you through the first few which are the hardest. Boundaries once in place are stable, take limited effort to maintain and save headache left, right and center.

Again ,

a0