Advice for upcoming anniversary is appreciated

[sweetbelle]

This is my first post.  Our counselor has recently diagnosed my husband with BPD, along with other issues, but my husband is not yet aware of the diagnosis. We've been married for 28 years. Our entire family has wounds from his behaviors and words, and we are all in counseling to try and understand the disorder, our reactions, and to emerge from our own emotional muck and mire. The children and I are struggling with deep hurts, anger and resentment right now, as he has regressed in his behaviors, since stopping counseling sessions (due to job loss).  We saw the counselor together last week for the first time in a very long while, counselor shared the extent of regression w/ husband, but in general terms- related to ADD.

The session seemed to fuel my hurts and anger.  I am so very weary.  Tired of taking care of our entire world/life/family, while he gets to act as bizarre, selfish and ugly as he chooses, while the rest of us are expected to cater to him, or maintain a facade of normalcy, so that he isn't offended. I feel as if I have 4 children instead of 3, and he is the most difficult one of all.  I am tired of the lies, porn use, anger, blaming, and selfishness. And our anniversary is coming up.  I do NOT want to spend time with him right now, much less a night or weekend away, which is what his parents are  (sweetly) encouraging him to "surprise me with".  I feel like a horrid wife, but I am so full of hurt and frustration; we are not communicating or interacting well together, and we have no extra funds, that I feel like it would be a poor choice right now, and would only make yet another bad memory.  I do not want intimacy right now, am too hurt with discovering porn usage AGAIN.

Is it ok for me to tell him that I want to celebrate with dinner, but don't feel ( due to the above reasons)'that we should spend a night, much less a long weekend with just one another?  Am I totally selfish and childish in this? I no longer want to cater to only his desires, but wish to have some of my own desires met. And right now, I do NOT desire to celebrate with anything more than dinner.

Thank you.

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[Mustbeabetterway]

  welcome, Sweetbelle.  Sorry for all you and your family have been through.  Sounds rough!  You have found a good place to discuss, learn and find support.  Many people here have experienced a lot of what you are going through. 

If dinner is all you care to do in the way of celebrating, that certainly sounds reasonable.  You are entitled to make choices for yourself.


Check out the lessons available to you here.  Keep posting.  We are here for you!

[Stalwart]

Hey sweetbelle:

I'll just start out by saying hello and I'm really glad you've found this resource. I kind of wish you might have found it earlier. It's great you have though. There are a lot of people here that live in the same situation you do and they're great people. I would think a moderator will be here soon to show you around so I'll leave that alone.

I'd just like to look at one thing with you for a moment. "I feel like a horrid wife" I'd like say "Are you kidding?" but I know you're not. That's not the case at all sweetbelle you aren't a horrid wife, your a person in a horrid situation. You must be an incredible person to have been through so much and brought your three children through it all with you.

I was weary just reading about your situation. You must be exhausted. My heart goes out to you. "... .lies, porn use, anger, blaming, and selfishness." Those are a lot of things to handle on so many different levels and I feel for your daily challenges.

On your inlaws part I'm sure they're just blindly trying to help even if it doesn't feel that way to you given the circumstances.

"Is it ok for me to tell him that I want to celebrate with dinner... ." Given the circumstances it sure is. I really don't know what getting into the full reasons for that would provoke and it's so important to try and not make things worse for yourself even if you can't see hope right now in making them better. Can you just use the financial strain as a reason?

Regardless you will know what the right decision is here and I feel you already do. Somewhere in all the hurt and frustration it has to become about you.

I'm glad you've come here and I'm so sorry for you and the situation you're in right now.

[an0ught]

Hi sweetbelle,

of course you should celebrate... .

How are you feeling thinking about that - horrible! And you know what - that is what invalidation feels. You are not in a mood to celebrate and hearing to celebrate is totally upsetting. That is normal.

Do you believe that your husband is in a mood to celebrate? From what you wrote your relationship is in a crisis and the situation has reached a point where counselors have been called for help. I don't think your H is truly in a mood for celebration and pretending to do so will just invalidate him, feed his anger and does not make things better. What makes the situation a bit tricky is that your H has big fears and probably worries a lot what other people think. Letting him "save his face" where possible may be wise at this point.

While you may not want to celebrate it is an event that in some way needs acknowledgment - dinner sounds fine. You went a long way together that is true! You are also right now in a crisis and seem to trigger each other. Maybe best to recharge a bit individually. Not as a way to separate but to get back on each others feet. Maybe the counselor can help you navigate the territory with H and in-laws. Also check out our workshop on SET: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique - bpdfamily

Last but not least ,

a0

[formflier]

 

I want to join others in welcoming you to bpdfamily!

How long do we have until the anniversary?

I think what you are really asking... .(If I may be so bold)... .is "Given all that is going on... .what is the appropriate way to celebrate (or acknowledge) our anniversary."

My quick advice is to come up with a plan that gives you options... .if diner goes well... .you may want to continue on with other things.  If diner is not going well... .you want to have the option to exit before the last course.

Acknowledging your anniversary does not require you to "put up with" unhealthy behavior from anyone.

It may be a good idea for the good of your r/s... .to do something that you don't "want" to do.

What bpdfamily can help you do... .is give you the education and wisdom to figure out what is unhealthy (and you always stay away from) and what is something you might not want to do... .but could be good for the r/s.

Looking forward to your next post.

FF