Erasing my existence

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

From 2002-2012 my ex kept an online journal. I was one of many people who would comment/post there.

Today I found myself glancing at it, and I noticed all of my comments are gone. Every. Single. One. With the exception of one from 2002, and I used to comment everyday. I found this odd, given he abandoned the journal in 2012.

Could the devaluation have started earlier than I thought? 

[Beach_Babe]

From 2002-2012 my ex kept an online journal. I was one of many people who would comment/post there.

Today I found myself glancing at it, and I noticed all of my comments are gone. Every. Single. One. With the exception of one from 2002, and I used to comment everyday. I found this odd, given he abandoned the journal in 2012.

Could the devaluation have started earlier than I thought? 

[ZeusRLX]

Could he have gone back later and deleted them?

[Beach_Babe]

Quite possible, but why?  He hasn't posted there since 2012.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you found that he deleted those entries. As you probably know, devaluing is a common dysfunctional coping mechanism associated with the disorder.

Looking back, my uBPDgf began devaluing me and the relationship in subtle ways pretty soon after we moved in together, just little criticisms about my interests, hobbies, parenting, motivations for doing things, present and past lifestyle, the house that we just bought, etc. I largely dismissed those things as differences of opinion. Then she moved to questioning my interests in being with her, accusations about interests in other women, etc. However, before moving out, she began recharacterizing events that she once claimed to cherish (e.g., birthdays like she had never had before, vacations that seemed magical) in extremely negative ways, making accusations about my ulterior sinister motives, saying she didn't really have fun, suggesting that things weren't really that expensive, etc. Even knowing about BPD by that time, I was still just floored. It has taken some time to depersonalize it all, and I still find myself shaking my head from time to time.

[JayApril]

From 2002-2012 my ex kept an online journal. I was one of many people who would comment/post there.

Today I found myself glancing at it, and I noticed all of my comments are gone. Every. Single. One. With the exception of one from 2002, and I used to comment everyday. I found this odd, given he abandoned the journal in 2012.

Could the devaluation have started earlier than I thought? 

Yes, I believe it is that push and pull thing. In his mind you are going to abandon him any way. At some point he felt that you were get to close, and you would discover who he really is and leave.

[ZeusRLX]

Quite possible, but why?  He hasn't posted there since 2012.

Hard to say, I have enough trouble predicting specific behaviors of BPD's I knew personally, much more difficult to predict someone I haven't met before.

He could have deleted them after, could have deleted them back in the day. I don't know if there is a sure way to know when specifically the devaluation started. He may not even know it himself as they often don't.

But of course, it's very frustrating to later on find out the signs that seemed like they came late could have been there all along... .that has happened to me as well.

[Beach_Babe]

I ache for validation I actually mattered. To know, even if its over, that I won't be forgotten. An acknowledgement of the pain he caused. I want so badly to reach out, but I know he would take pleasure in my suffering. Scoff at me for being weak.The pain is so overwhelming.

[Beach_Babe]

Mike-X: That is pretty much how it went for me too. But what if thats always how he felt and I just never knew? What if it was all a lie? Maybe really never cared at all. I was just convenient when no one else was available to use?

JayApril: I did offer to leave several times but only after he would block me and become very cruel and nasty a week or two before I had a plane ticket to come. After so many times wouldnt anybody feel the same? Each time hed cry for me not to leave, "I dont want you to go away. I want to see you." But this was only after I had cancelled my ticket, and given up on coming. Then hed want to plan a new trip all over again. Did you ever feel like this was just all one big JOKE in their minds?

Zeus: You have a good point there. I think im just stuck at this point. If you had known then about BPD what you know now, would you have stuck around?

[JayApril]

Mike-X: That is pretty much how it went for me too. But what if thats always how he felt and I just never knew? What if it was all a lie? Maybe really never cared at all. I was just convenient when no one else was available to use?

JayApril: I did offer to leave several times but only after he would block me and become very cruel and nasty a week or two before I had a plane ticket to come. After so many times wouldnt anybody feel the same? Each time hed cry for me not to leave, "I dont want you to go away. I want to see you." But this was only after I had cancelled my ticket, and given up on coming. Then hed want to plan a new trip all over again. Did you ever feel like this was just all one big JOKE in their minds?

Yes, I have thought it was a joke. But, honestly I believe its their fear of abandoment & engulfment.

[enlighten me]

Both my uBPD exs lived in the past and liked to reminis. It wouldnt suprise me if your ex went back to the posts and found them triggering. It could be that because they were painful they were deleted.

[Beach_Babe]

 But abandoned me, threatened the police for sending him one text. Stalker leave me alone. Is that really pain, he feels, or relief?

[JayApril]

Both my uBPD exs lived in the past and liked to reminis. It wouldnt suprise me if your ex went back to the posts and found them triggering. It could be that because they were painful they were deleted.

That makes sense as well.

[JayApril]

But abandoned me, threatened the police for sending him one text. Stalker leave me alone. Is that really pain, he feels, or relief?

It could be both, pushing you away with everything in their power. And then getting rid of everything that reminds them of you to relieve their guilt and pain.

[MincedGarlic]

Looking back, my uBPDgf began devaluing me and the relationship in subtle ways pretty soon after we moved in together, just little criticisms about my interests, hobbies, parenting, motivations for doing things, present and past lifestyle, the house that we just bought, etc. I largely dismissed those things as differences of opinion. Then she moved to questioning my interests in being with her, accusations about interests in other women, etc. However, before moving out, she began recharacterizing events that she once claimed to cherish (e.g., birthdays like she had never had before, vacations that seemed magical) in extremely negative ways, making accusations about my ulterior sinister motives, saying she didn't really have fun, suggesting that things weren't really that expensive, etc.

Wow, could have been me describing my r/s. Devaluation only started as far as I can see as soon as we moved in together, is this coincidence or correlated with reaching a certain point in the r/s? I wonder if this is because of a commitment level demonstrated by either the pwBPD, non or both.

[Beach_Babe]

JayApril: speaking of which, how are YOU doing today?

MincedGarlic: thats interesting you mention that. Mine began to devalue after he proposed. How long were you two together?

[Mike-X]

Mike-X: That is pretty much how it went for me too. But what if thats always how he felt and I just never knew? What if it was all a lie? Maybe really never cared at all. I was just convenient when no one else was available to use?

Thank you for the reply. I think that I understand where you are coming from here. The 'pushes' (like deleting sentimental things) definitely feel unloving.

My speculation is that my uBPDgf probably had pangs of anxiety early on in the relationship, especially given that we had a long distance relationship. And I would imagine that abandonment fears were triggered by my not responding to texts quickly enough, for example. And in moments like that she might have started detaching though mild devaluing, e.g., thinking that distant relationships wouldn't work etc. I think that she actually used FB to deal with missing me and fears of abandonment, because if I were sleeping or whathaveyou I would wake up to see bunches of 'likes' on posts that I had made.

I could imagine someone in an anxious panic feeling abandonment fears deleting sentimental things, too. I just don't know whether she did that or not. Maybe she deleted pictures from her phone, etc.

If she did have those pangs of anxiety, my thought is that they were due to her feeling close, too close, to me - and so on with the 'I love you, but loving is painful' with BPD.

[ZeusRLX]

I ache for validation I actually mattered. To know, even if its over, that I won't be forgotten. An acknowledgement of the pain he caused. I want so badly to reach out, but I know he would take pleasure in my suffering. Scoff at me for being weak.The pain is so overwhelming.

The ones that split me usually did forget me. They COULD try to recycle years later but if it wouldn't work they would color me black again.

I don't think you're weak though, I went through a lot of similar pain too. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself time to heal.

Just remember, it will go away and you will feel better, just takes time and healing.

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus: You have a good point there. I think im just stuck at this point. If you had known then about BPD what you know now, would you have stuck around?

It's hard to hypothesize... .people usually trust their personal experience more than others. Had someone told me my first one had BPD, would I have listened? Of course not.

But had I had the experience I have had now, I never EVER would have gotten involved with her. It was very obvious she had a personality disorder from the get go, I just had zero knowledge/experience, I was a young kid and I walked straight into the propeller.

So, had I had the personal experience and insights I have learned through trial and error, I definitely would have steered clear of her.

But had I read a book on it or something, that probably wouldn't change my point of view. On one hand you have what you think is love, on the other someone's personality theory, which are you gonna believe?

So, it's not optimal, but you do need to get burned really badly sometimes to learn a lesson and that's what happened to me... .

I think the biggest shock is realizing what you thought was love was all smoke and mirrors generated by a personality disorder on the other end. That is a tough one to bear.

But stay strong, one day at a time, you will feel better. For me it was so bad, I was in a mental hospital myself for two weeks... .so, trust me, I know how bad it can be.

Now I can sit here and feel no emotion whatsoever when thinking about that experience. You will heal and be back stronger than ever.

[JayApril]

JayApril: speaking of which, how are YOU doing today?

MincedGarlic: thats interesting you mention that. Mine began to devalue after he proposed. How long were you two together?

Today was not good. My ExBPD had another episode and harassed me again calling me 8 times in a row from a different number after I was suggesting a parenting course to go along with his personal counselling. (I am sure he lied about getting help. He wouldnt speak about it at all)... .but, yeah not a good day. In order for him to get me off the subject of counselling he, got upset and claimed that I did not send him enough pictures of our son. Stating "Thats all I am going to get?" So I ended our emails saying that it seemed like he was getting upset ttyl." And then my phone rang. Like an idiot I thought it was someone else, but guess who. I told him I couldnt talk, my son was crying. Rushed off the phone. Thats when the 8 calls came rolling in. I think he figured out that I know he is lying about getting help. Rather than admitting that he tried to start an argument about something totally diff.

[Beach_Babe]

Rather than admitting that he tried to start an argument about something totally diff.

Welcome to my world.    Does he always tantrum  when he doesn't get what he wants? Thats terrible, im so sorry you had to endure that.  i.  Do you really think he lied about getting help?

[Sunfl0wer]

Both my uBPD exs lived in the past and liked to reminis. It wouldnt suprise me if your ex went back to the posts and found them triggering. It could be that because they were painful they were deleted.

I think this is true for my ex too.  He struggles to keep focused on the bad about me to remain firm in his decision to leave.  If he were to allow his mind to reflect on the positives with me, he would be faced with pain.  Since feelings=facts then being in pain could override his logical mind and make him desire to reach out to me.  I am certain he is not spending time missing me in any way... .or at least not for any long amount of time.  Likely, he misses me for a moment, gets angry at himself for being weak, then mentally reprimands himself, then denies it, then shifts focus on hating something about me to make up for the accidental good thought. He is too black/white... .he wouldn't be able to process in that grey area.

[JayApril]

Rather than admitting that he tried to start an argument about something totally diff.

Welcome to my world.    Does he always tantrum  when he doesn't get what he wants? Thats terrible, im so sorry you had to endure that.  i.  Do you really think he lied about getting help?

Yes I do think he lied about getting help. He told me in the state of an argument that we ad months ago that he was getting help, but it was never talked about until know. I think he just threw the couselling in there to get me off his back for a while honestly. He wont answer any direct questions about it either. And hos behavior suggest that he is more into weed than therapy. But, yes he tantrums like a baby when he does not get what he feels like he should have. He even sent a long rant email today saying I was discouraging him from being a parent which is absurd. (He is a deadbeat, and I am still offering visits and parenting classes. But oh yes I am being discouraging)

[Beach_Babe]

Ok so let me get this straight... .he says YOU discourage him from being a parent but yet HE refuses visits and parenting classes?

[JayApril]

Ok so let me get this straight... .he says YOU discourage him from being a parent but yet HE refuses visits and parenting classes?

Yes! Someone gets it!

[ShakinMyHead]

Beachbabe, perhaps he's erasing your comments because he doesn't want a new target to have any "Historic" information about you. Depending on who can view his blog, it's possible he would like to control the information that is said about him. Specially the truth, as per an ex? Just a thought…. Hugs, SMH

[Olivia_D]

Beach, First, you matter separate and apart from anything that comes from his warped mind.  Second, if you didn't matter he wouldn't need to erase you.  Why would someone so insignificant in his life need to be erased?  Third, how can he vilify you and re-write history if there is documentary evidence to the contrary?  Fourth, he put a lot of effort into erasing all of that information so he had some underlying motive that had nothing to do with you.  Fifth, if someone to tells you not to think about a butterfly, what image immediately comes up in your mind?  That's right, a butterfly.  Maybe somewhere deep down in the far, far corner of that sliver of a conscience he was reminded of his ill behavior - a negative image of his poor treatment of a decent human being.  Regardless of what motivated these changes, it took effort to erase you. 

This reminds me of that Johnny Depp quote that says that

"You Can Close Your Eyes To The Things You Do Not Want To See, But You Cannot Close Your Heart To The Things You Do Not Want To Feel." 

[Beach_Babe]

Shaking: You may be right. Its just all so hard to digest.

How are you?

Olivia: Thanks for the support. Any update on your situation? Are you planning to press charges?

Sunflower: If he struggles in his decision to leave, then how could he not miss you? Is it that whole compartmentalization thing?

[JayApril]

Beachbabe, perhaps he's erasing your comments because he doesn't want a new target to have any "Historic" information about you. Depending on who can view his blog, it's possible he would like to control the information that is said about him. Specially the truth, as per an ex? Just a thought…. Hugs, SMH

That is actually avalid point. Maybe he might be covering his butt, to groom a new victim. And erasing all conflicting edvidence was just to hide his true self.

[Beach_Babe]

Did the court award you full custody JayApril?

[JayApril]

Did the court award you full custody JayApril?

There is no court order.