Help with BPD relationship

[mathb57]

I'm married and have recently found that my spouse has BPD/sociopath personality disorders. We have been together for over 20 years and we have both sensed there was a problem. It has only damaged our relationship. She is hot and cold about it. One day she has a problem and needs help the next its not like what "I" say she has. Regardless of that; its always my fault and she always has to run because the grass is greener on the other side.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi  mathb57, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how difficult it is to cope with hot and cold behavior. The erratic behaviors can take a toll on your relationship.

There are ways to learn how to improve your relationship. Improvement and change starts with you, the non-disordered partner. The motto on the staying board, is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." Prior to learning about BPD, I added to the dysfunction of my relationship. I learned that I cannot change my person with BPD's (pwBPD) behavior and thoughts, but I could change my own. That was the first step for improvement. Changing my perception has exponentially helped me. 

Take a look at the lessons on the right side of this page. The lessons will help you understand how to improve your relationship.

Is your spouse diagnosed with BPD/ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder) and receiving treatment? 

Sharing your story really helps. Perhaps you can share more of your story so we can better help you?

[an0ught]

Hi imathb57,

dealing with ASPD or NPD can be tough on our self esteem . 

she always has to run because the grass is greener on the other side

impulsiveness "guided" by mostly emotions can be exhausting to watch. There are two main strategies for us:

- boundaries: Limits for us on what we commit to based on flimsy commitment on the other side

- validation: Validating the emotions driving the search for greener grass makes the need for actual change of lawn less strong

You may find some good starting points in the LESSONS but the best way to use the board is to engage with specific topics dear to your heart.

Again imathb57,

a0