how do i deal with the lies

[married21years]

Hi all married 21 years, always trusted my wife just found out all the lies she has been telling over the years. trying to get her in therapy.

i love my becky to bits and it has destroyed me seeing her in all this pain.

thanks for the help in advance

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[married21years]

my BPDw of 21 years lies all the time to me, i cannot deal with it. i have just realized this trait.

i have a pathological hatred of liars. this is killing me inside. she has turned friends and family against me.

any idea how i get her to stop lying?

[waverider]

Hi married21years

I can see how this causes you so much stress. Being a bit fanciful with the truth is a common BPD trait. How long has this been happening and what made you realize the seriousness of it?

Is it in regards to anything in particular or just prevalent in even the most irrelevent issues?

Is it just limited to you or is she like this with everyone?

A previous topic on this issue

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142056.0

Waverider

[married21years]

Hi married21years

I can see how this causes you so much stress. Being a bit fanciful with the truth is a common BPD trait. How long has this been happening and what made you realize the seriousness of it?

Is it in regards to anything in particular or just prevalent in even the most irrelevent issues?

Is it just limited to you or is she like this with everyone?

A previous topic on this issue

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142056.0

Waverider

i only realized after twenty years of marriage, i trusted her completely

then i realized the scale it is huge and to everyone. i believed everything before that i had complete trust!

she character assassinated me after some stress in her life and i didnt take the abuse anymore. thanks for the link

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I have major issues with the lies too. I'm hoping that in his DBT therapy, they deal with his lying. He left me, and we were separated for a bit, and I now know that he lied about me to everyone. I don't feel like going around his family and friends now(of course I still have to). I feel I'm being judged because they don't know the "real" him. If they saw how he treats me at home, they'd be shocked. It's such a tragedy that they do this, because it not only damages their relationship with us, it damages how others see us.

As you can tell, I'm still upset about this. Just know that how you feel is justified.

[waverider]

I have taken the extremes out of it, but the basic knee jerk reaction is to bend and colour the truth to validate her own feelings is still there. A lot of the child like white lies and blame shifting is still there, but it is very transparent to me, to the point I have no difficulty identify it with a disability so it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Running around trying to repair things by portraying your side of the story to others simply drags you further into the problem. It then becomes almost like a competition, leading to deep seated resentment and lack of respect, its no way to conduct a relationship and makes your involvement in it even worse.

It comes from deep seated fear of being blamed and a desire to be accepted, which goes way back to to their upbringing, you wont be able to reverse this by simply laying down the law. You need strong boundaries and consequences around the big issues, and a degree of acceptance around a lot of the little white lies. It is part of mental illness.

[married21years]

Yeah, I have major issues with the lies too. I'm hoping that in his DBT therapy, they deal with his lying. He left me, and we were separated for a bit, and I now know that he lied about me to everyone. I don't feel like going around his family and friends now(of course I still have to). I feel I'm being judged because they don't know the "real" him. If they saw how he treats me at home, they'd be shocked. It's such a tragedy that they do this, because it not only damages their relationship with us, it damages how others see us.

As you can tell, I'm still upset about this. Just know that how you feel is justified.

issolation is one of their tools dont issolate yourself go round tell the truth and let him deal with the fallout. i did this with her family and it was a catalyst for change. she realised she was going to lose everyone with her lies.

i have her mum dad and brother and sister in law all in the loop.

hard group to keep calm they are my support structure!

good luck

[married21years]

I have taken the extremes out of it, but the basic knee jerk reaction is to bend and colour the truth to validate her own feelings is still there. A lot of the child like white lies and blame shifting is still there, but it is very transparent to me, to the point I have no difficulty identify it with a disability so it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Running around trying to repair things by portraying your side of the story to others simply drags you further into the problem. It then becomes almost like a competition, leading to deep seated resentment and lack of respect, its no way to conduct a relationship and makes your involvement in it even worse.

It comes from deep seated fear of being blamed and a desire to be accepted, which goes way back to to their upbringing, you wont be able to reverse this by simply laying down the law. You need strong boundaries and consequences around the big issues, and a degree of acceptance around a lot of the little white lies. It is part of mental illness.

yeah what he said but dont allow yourself to be isolated from friends  you did nothing wrong with i did and i had to recover.