My wife just left me a few days ago.

[SpringHopes]

I was with my girlfriend 1.5 years together. We even married (first time for both of us). She was saying me such a nice things that she will never leave me and she only loved me in her life and there is nothing that can change it. She told that she doesn't like a lot of guys, but I am that rare guy, who she fell in love, she told me I am her soulmate who balance her soul and she needs me. One day she said she wants to go back to her country. We were supposed to go together but then one day she tells me that she bought a ticket and that she thinks we are not suited for each other, I was feeling resentment and I just calmfully with hidden pain told her - if that's what you want, then do it, I wish you the best. Probably I needed to beg her to stay and show that I am addicted to hear, I know BPD can misunderstand "calm reaction" as no feelings. After that she started to act very mean, she told me very horrible things about me which were painful to hear, but I know that's BPD, so I was taking that with understanding. But then she registered herself in some dating site and started to chat with guys in front of me. I tried a lot of times to speak with her, but every time when I just asked calmly to talk she started to scream, so I was not able to communicate, plus she was wearing earphones and listening to music 80% time. It was a tough time, she was sitting in front of me like that for 1 month. She bought her plane ticket in advance, when she was buying it she was still in relationship with me, we just decided she needs to go first because of her family problems and I will go there in a month or so. But then she decided to quit relationship, she was ignoring me I could not even touch her arm or pass by, I felt like I am contaminated sick person which she tried to avoid. She was forced to stay in our place with me because she needed to wait for a day when she flies away. When I took her messages and paper letters and cards she wrote me she was having like hysteric reaction, punching me, scratching and screaming she was so afraid to get reminded about her thoughts and feelings and promises in the past. She told me she will meet some guys from the dating when she will go back to her country, one of them is her soulmate (she thinks), he is drug and alcohol addict without a job and some other issues and he has eating disorder so that makes him her soulmate because she also has problems, binge eating. I told her - but you wanted to have a family one day, do you think this will be a match for that? She told me she will maybe just date him for a short period of time to experiment, to know how it is but for serious future she will meet some serious guys. She told me that she was not loving me, just got interested in me and that interest she lost 4 months before our marriage. I asked her - why you married me if you were not having any feelings as you say, she said she just wanted to try how it is, experiment. She deleted me from all social media, all my friends as well. I felt like she was the only person who I can really trust, I told her the things I was never telling to any girlfriend in my past. I don't know what to do now... .I still love her, I miss her, but if she really has no feelings towards me and she really wants a new guy, then I will not search for her or try anything because... .even it's really sad and tough, I will move on, because I love her and if she is not feeling good with me, then I need to disappear. P.S. she was having comfortable, good life all the life, but when she came to the new country with me we got some struggles, some of them were really tough, I was not able to work for a while, the city itself was depressing and we both disliked it very much. But she always were telling me that if she is surviving this place having small place, one room where we are together all the time after the work and some other daily struggles, she told me we will be always together, because she would never be with any other guy sharing a small space where she could not have privacy. Plus it was temporary because we planned to go to her country. I think she also felt I was not trying my best to concentrate on our future. She blamed me a lot. P.S.2 I think I have bipolar disorder, so that might worsen the things (I heard that BPD actually get attracted to bipolar people). The more I think the more I see my fault in all the things, where I could act more wise or better. I was never crying so much in my life. She just cut me off. I was not contacting her since she left a few days ago. Probably I should give her a space? Because even we were not speaking a lot in the past days but she said I am super annoying, she was like totally different person. When I helped her carry her luggage to the station she hugged me the first time in a long time, I was thinking maybe she doesn't want to hug me for a long moment so I took my arms off, but she still was hugging me and then I put my arms back. She said that she is not feeling anything towards me, but from other side she was saying very mean things to me, but if she hates me why she took to her country the gifts I gave her and a lot of small things I was giving her as a presents, like plushy toys etc. If I would dislike other person or try to cut off everything I would throw out all the things which can remind me the past. But I know I am not BPD, so maybe they have some other logic. I am so sorry for my messy message.

[disillusionedandsore]

So sorry you are going through this.  Your story was very clear,  no need to apologise for it being 'messy'  What you are experiencing makes no sense but you yourself do... .It is so confusing and painful when our beloved switches on us... .and seem lost to us... .Keep checking in here is my best advice... .This board is the only place where I encounter people who really understand what has taken place and the devastation it causes

[freefighter]

Oh, it's a sad story, I'm sorry.

[Aussie0zborn]

This is a horrible feeling, isn't it? The betrayal, the devaluation... .I am sorry you have experienced this.

Your job now is to protect yourself and start the healing process. Let her go, disengage and be thankful you don't have children with this person.

[cosmonaut]

Hi SpringHopes,



Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you are going through with your wife.  I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.  I know what you mean about disappearing and acting as if you never exist - I have experienced the same with my ex.  It's been almost a year and half now since she just broke up and left and I haven't heard from her since.  So, I can appreciate how confusing and painful this is.  All of us here can.  It's a miserable experience, but we're here to support you.

I think you have seen the wide range of emotions that a pwBPD experiences and the intensity with which they feel them.  The truth is that your wife both deeply loves you and also has great trouble being close to you.  This doesn't make rational sense, but to her it is very, very real.  The reasons stem from two competing fears that she has as a result of her disorder.  These are the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.  The fear of abandonment is what causes her to so desperately want to be with you even to the point of clinging.  But she is convinced that it won't last.  This is an overwhelming fear for her and she is hypervigilent to any sign of abandonment, and is quite capable of seeing it where it doesn't actually exist.  She is also convinced it is an inevitability.  Deep down she has tremendous self hatred and shame.  She feels broken and she is convinced that no one could ever truly love her.  So, she waits in agonizing worry for the moment when you will abandon her, even if you never would.  She also has a profound fear of engulfment which is a result of the developmental failure at the root of the disorder.  Since she lacks a sense of an autonomous self (through no fault of hers), she seeks to fuse with others to become whole with their self.  One of the problems with this is that she can feel like she is becoming swallowed up by the attachment and this triggers terrifying annihilation fears.  This is the fear of engulfment.  The end result of these conflicting fears is the classic pattern of push/pull in a BPD relationship.  The need to be close and the need to push away.  It is a tragic disorder.  Sometimes this emotional roller coaster becomes too much to bare, and the pwBPD flees the relationship.  I believe this is what you are experiencing with your wife.

The most important thing to take from this is that this is not your fault.  You did not cause this.  This is BPD.  This is just what BPD does.  It's not your wife's fault and it's not your fault.  Please know that there is nothing that you did or didn't do that caused this.  It isn't because you weren't good enough.  In fact, the more loving and emotionally supportive and caring you were, the more your wife became triggered.  This is because it is emotional intimacy that triggers pwBPD.  It is because you were loved and cared about that she ran.  It's not because she never cared about you.  If she didn't care, she never would have been triggered.  So, please remember always that this is not your fault.  That's so important.

One thing that you might want to do is to take a look at the Lessons on the Staying board.  I know you are undecided about the direction of your relationship with your wife, and much of it clearly rests with her.  Still, it would help to have some experience with these tools if you do have continued contact with your wife.  These are the tools that will allow you to create the best possible environment.  They will help you to better relate to her and to soothe her when she is triggered.  Some of the senior members on the Staying board could also help you with these.

Hang in there, SpringHopes.  I know this is an awful time, but you are not alone.  All of us here have been through similar and we are here for you.   

[SpringHopes]

These are the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.  The fear of abandonment is what causes her to so desperately want to be with you even to the point of clinging.  But she is convinced that it won't last.  This is an overwhelming fear for her and she is hypervigilent to any sign of abandonment, and is quite capable of seeing it where it doesn't actually exist.  She is also convinced it is an inevitability.

Thank you very much for such a nice, deep answer, I feel really thankful and happy that you replied to me. To be honest I was told by some girls in the past I am not shoving enough affection sometimes. And I was told by them later, when we broke up, like years later that they understood so much later that I cared, like for example going to meet a girl to the metro station with umbrella because it rains outside etc. I done this with my wife. Small things which show you care.  I don't believe in words so much as in actions. From other side 4 months before our marriage we got a conflict in which she pushed me so much that I wanted to do extreme - I told her - ok, I am buying ticket to my homecountry, I opened flights website and ok, I would not do that, but I just wanted to push her pressure on me back to her. She was shocked in that time and told me she is leaving. I asked her for a chance and a few hours later we said we are back together. She told me - she will forgive all the things, but never forget. We got really tough time in the new country and she thought I am not doing enough to make things better. She got nice life in her home country. In the past months I was joking sometimes like "You know I have nice looking co-worker". We spoke about our co-workers - who are not nice people, who are nice etc. Maybe she also saw that what I would take like nothing serious, she thought - If he is seeing other girls nice, then he could leave me. She once told me - if I will ever go away from you, stop me. I told her - But if you, grown adult, want to leave, how I can stop you? She was a bit sad to hear that and told me - if you will not stop, you will just show you don't love me enough. You need to stop me whatever it takes. She was even saying me that she has kidnapping fantasies about it.

[jo19854]

Spring hopes, i can so relate to your pain, i hope you can find support in bpdfamily.

I went through a similar situation, and the pain is still huge. My profile describes the situation in case your interested.

Cosmonauts words are so true, and also great support for me now... .Thanks Cosmo.

It's difficult and completely not understandable how a  human beeing can do these kind of things, but they suffer in there own way.

Take care of your own needs as much as you can, don't rush into anything. Make wise decisions. Surround yourself with real friends who are willing to listen to your story without judging.  People who were never on this kind of a rollercoaster can not comprehend the impact of such an ending. So in case they do have simple answers, understand them too.

What's meant to be will happen, but focus on staying busy as much as you can.

About my wife, she took the keys of the house and a picture of her, me and her dog with her. She left her dog behind with me.  but i didn't hear since she left (soon 16 months now)

Take care, Jo

[ThanksForPlaying]

Sorry you have to go through this... .How did you learn about BPD? Through your own experience with bipolar? I know sometimes being around BPD long enough can certainly make you feel like it's your own problem. And it's always good to work on yourself. But hopefully in time you'll feel lucky to have gotten away from the craziness... .Hang in there

[SpringHopes]

Spring hopes, i can so relate to your pain, i hope you can find support in bpdfamily.

I went through a similar situation, and the pain is still huge.

I feel you, I am so sad that you have a huge pain, I would not wish this even to my enemies. I never had heart problems, I always ate good, I was doing sports actively, I have great endurance, but now I am wrecked, I got some heart problems recently, I am not able to eat. Plus as we both came to this country and our life always revolved around each other we made here just a few friends which are not very close friends. So I don't even have  people to discuss this. Please stay strong! I was trying to keep anger towards her or some kind of thought that she is not worth me and it helped for some seconds of the minutes, but to be honest I am overthinking a lot and I am sentimental person with huge old romantic side and that makes things worse. Stay strong, she left you just because you have something MUCH better in your future, maybe even in a few days or weeks! Just be patient. Go out, walk, go to some party or gig or concert etc.

[SpringHopes]

Sorry you have to go through this... .How did you learn about BPD? Through your own experience with bipolar?

She told me about BPD kinda soon we met. I know sometimes when we have a sick person next to us and we live with that person we start to have phantom problems, we think that we have similar problems, because we want to empathize with them, we want to search for similarities with them, identifying their problems as ours. But in my case I have bipolar, but I am quite good maintaining it, one thing is hard for me is concentrating on one thing and doing things till the end.

[SpringHopes]

I forgot to mention. Our break up started in the moment when I told her about my ex, which I had for some years. She also had some mental issues. My wife always blamed me I am not helping her enough with her mental issues, she said that my previous ex got much more help from me, probably I gave her everything and now I don't have anything left. That was totally false. I remember how my breakup with my previous ex started and I told my BPD wife that I can already see some starting, burning point in our relationship which reminds me my previous relationship start of the end. That was so stupid from my side to tell that to BPD, I was expecting to discuss what I see wrong and just to tell that we need to address these things and deal with them, because I care so much to not do these mistakes again, but it was really stupid to tell that to BPD as they always feel you want to leave so they will leave first.

I forgot to mention my BPD wife was the initiator in so many things - it was her idea to marry, her idea to move together to her country, she was the first who told - I love you. I told that later. I felt she was pushing our relationship to success, that I already believe I am the problem, that even healthy women would leave me like she did. So yes, after being with BPD you start to believe that you are also some BPD or have some other mental issue.

[SpringHopes]

I forgot to mention.

Plus another thing. Also I think she turned her mind upside down when I reacted not smart in one moment. I am hopeless romantic. She told me near the end of our relationship that I am the person she can tolerate the most. She never tolerated anybody for so long time and in one room a lot of times. Then I told (not smart) - I don't want to be tolerated, I want to have a love, if you don't love me I don't see the point. I think this pressure from me to give the love made her change the mind, she felt threatened and cornered. She felt that in this moment she has nothing to give (I just needed to wait and take care as BPD needs) and if she will not give I will leave. So she decided to move before. I think this triggered her.

[SpringHopes]

I wrote her a letter, I draw her a painting for her Birthday and took picture of it to send it with my e-mail. I was not contacting her before. And she sent me back an e-mail saying she is in hospital because she tried to make a suicide. I don't know how I need to act? Should I stop contacting or try to make her feel better? What I should tell and what I should not tell?