struggling

[honeysuckle]

Hello all!

I am struggling with something I don't know how to fix and I was hoping to get some help from people who may understand what is wrong with me.

I have been out of my relationship for a year. I am in a good healthy relationship now. It is not the same intense feeling i had with my exBPD but i have decided this is a good thing. I now appreciate what i used to take for granted. I chose to live in the moment and try not to let it get me down. the "it is what it is" line of thinking. originally for months I had horrible anxiety and physical reactions to the break up. throwing up and high blood pressure. I was depressed and made major changes to free myself. I quit my job. stopped talking to anyone we had in common ect. I made a new life for myself and was doing fine. Happy even!

I have been NC for 6 months and very little contact before that. Only to kindly set my boundaries when he would attempt to charm me or just reach out to me. I'm not sure what his intentions were only that I reminded him I was not going to change my mind. This was difficult but successful. I blocked my phone and shut down e-mail.

So my problem now... .I received a birthday card in the mail. It had a gift card inside. This was more effort then he put forth when we were together. This has caused some sort reaction from me I don't know how to deal with. I best describe it as PTSD. I have thought of him everyday since we have broken up. Sometimes I would get mad. Sometimes I would be sad, but I had accepted that this was not something I could fix and needed to be okay with it. To be honest I was just tired of the whole thing. Since this card I am having all that pain and sadness again and I am becoming afraid to run in to him. I do not wish to reestablish a relationship but It made me miss "my best friend." Now when I get sad I am crying and when I am mad I feel very angry and I feel almost irrational like I want to call him up and scream at him for lying and cheating and giving someone else all the things he promised to me. I have done the meditating and calming stuff but I feel like I am getting worse instead of better. My friend says even if his name is mentioned I get very "animated and reactive when I respond." My dreams are more vivid and are of him. I don't like how this feels and I fear I am making it worse because I am worried about it. if that makes any sense at all. I was doing so well. 

Does anyone know what I am talking about? Ever had this happen? Know why this is happening?

Ideas how to not move backwards?

[Allmessedup]

Now I am probably jaded as hell but my response would be to return it all unanswered.  I am 6 days out of a recycle and despite my efforts nothing at all changed.

However, when I was here before people told me I wasn't done until I was done.  So I went back... .and it failed... .massively

That being said, I know well how hard it us when they reach out again.  That idealization is such a hugely powerful drug.  Especially since he is being more giving than before.

 honeysuckle!

My only idea on how to not move backwards is to look again at the ten beliefs that keep us stuck.  See what might be prompting your emotional reaction here. 

I am a list maker, so writing pros and cons helps me.  You have a new relationship now and you say you are happy.  Were you happy in your relationship with your ex?  We're your needs getting met?

The one thing that strikes me is that you said your new relationship Is not as intense.  You might want to do some reading on betrayal bonds. There is a good book by Patrick cairns I read called the betrayal bond.   It goes into depth about why we stay/ are attracted to unhealthy relationships.