Losing faith

[Anxia]

Hi everyone 

I have found this site from lots of googling over the past couple days after I have found myself at my wits end with my b/f of 8 or so years.

I am pretty convinced he is a BPD sufferer, at least has a fair few BPD traits - particularly illogical mood swings, threatening suicide/self harm, low self esteem, splitting (seeing me and others as all good/ all bad), clinging and distancing, sensitivity to criticism, needing me to survive and constant need for affection/reassurance. But there are certain elements he doesn't have which is why I am unsure. He has gone through a particularly bad period at the moment due to other stresses in his life (heart problems, chronic pain) so I initially thought this bad patch was down to that - he is clearly suffering from depression and anxiety. But reading up about BPD I discovered a lot of his behaviours have been a constant in our relationship - particularly the self loathing, mood swings, clinging and splitting.

My main issue is the arguments. And because we live apart, work full time and both have children from previous relationships, we have mostly a digital relationship over text and online. Unfortunately this means he takes so much of what I say the wrong way, no matter how much I argue it was not meant that way, he argues that because I have upset him (how ever unintentionally) I must make it better. But nothing I do works. Apologising isn't enough. And when I ask him what he wants from me he says I should know. That he is worthless, that noone cares or has ever cared and that I've never truly loved him (even though I have sacrificed large elements of my life for him, moving hundreds of miles from my family and friends to be closer to him) and nothing I say will make amends. My self esteem is battered. I have also developed severe anxiety from this relationship, as I am a people pleaser and if I am unable to do this I freak out. When he is having an episode nothing I can do will make amends.

The difference however to a lot of what I have read is that he never wants to split up. He wants to be with me. But I have left him many times. He always seems to know how to manipulate his way back into my life. I do love him a lot but I cannot take this kind of abuse and more than once I have drawn the line and wanted to get away. He always complains he has to make everything better again when I've upset him, but he never seems to grasp the affect his behaviour has on me. I gave up long ago telling him how it makes me feel, as all he says is I am making it about me when he is the one that is upset.

I do think he possesses some narcissistic traits too. He says no-one else is like him, everyone else are idiots, and I will never find anyone else like him, or anyone else that loves me as much. When he is in a good mood he says I am his perfect woman, I am perfect and he is nothing, then all of a sudden he switches and makes me feel like the worst person alive because of all the misery I cause him. He says our relationship, our love is special, and like nothing he's had before, or will have again etc.

I have been reading about trying to change my behaviour to try and resolve the conflict this week. I have tried to be validating. But all I have got now is threats of self harm last night and ignoring me all day yesterday and today. He doesn't usually give the silent treatment. He is usually there firing more anger and hate at me. So this is a bit new and I am not sure if it is because of my new reactions (I normally get really angry by his insults and threats which just made the conflict spiral out of control - my defensiveness angered him further) or just him reacting differenctly. I don't know. I said that I wanted boundaries as I can't cope with his behaviour (in a nice way) and I think this might have been triggering for him. I'm not sure.

Thanks for listening. I don't really have anyone else to talk to as all my family and friends said I should leave him. But it's not that easy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Anxia,

don't worry. It takes a while to get a grip on validation in practice while both sides will make adjustments for the better. Ask for help on the board if you don't understand certain reactions or struggle to find a validating angle to an odd situation/behavior.

I said that I wanted boundaries as I can't cope with his behaviour (in a nice way) and I think this might have been triggering for him.

Boundaries are mostly rules for you and don't need his cooperation, likely won't get initial cooperation in any case. Best is to focus on a few specific ones and maybe start discussing how to put the first one in place on the board. It often takes a bit to wrap your head around the boundary concept on the level you need to in such a relationship.

My main issue is the arguments. And because we live apart, work full time and both have children from previous relationships, we have mostly a digital relationship over text and online. Unfortunately this means he takes so much of what I say the wrong way, no matter how much I argue it was not meant that way, he argues that because I have upset him (how ever unintentionally) I must make it better. But nothing I do works. Apologising isn't enough. And when I ask him what he wants from me he says I should know. That he is worthless, that noone cares or has ever cared and that I've never truly loved him (even though I have sacrificed large elements of my life for him, moving hundreds of miles from my family and friends to be closer to him) and nothing I say will make amends. My self esteem is battered. I have also developed severe anxiety from this relationship, as I am a people pleaser and if I am unable to do this I freak out. When he is having an episode nothing I can do will make amends.

Here validation should help a lot. A big step will be done once you let go of focusing on the facts and focus more on his emotions. That relieves some of the pressure to get to factual common conclusions. If facts are just tools for him to express emotions so why fall for the "we pretend this a rationale discussion game".

And when I ask him what he wants from me he says I should know.

Like the overwhelming majority of our members you are not a mind reader. Validation helps a bit to get a better read on the overall state of mind and helps building a deeper connection. Still it is his responsibility to state what he wants. If he is not doing that then it is his problem. Not your fault. There are a number of underlying problems driving this behavior - mostly anxiety on his side, fear of rejection and the general testing attitude. And as a result we are dealing with some passive aggression. Sucks, general BPD type behavior. For the time being you can:

- not take blame, not JADE

- being consistent

- avoid invalidating him. Validate/appreciate him expressing whatever.

- validate anxiety when you are sensing it

- if he is not providing input have your own plan ready (and consistently stick to it - boundaries, avoid getting into game playing)

,

a0

[Anxia]

And when I ask him what he wants from me he says I should know.

Like the overwhelming majority of our members you are not a mind reader. Validation helps a bit to get a better read on the overall state of mind and helps building a deeper connection. Still it is his responsibility to state what he wants. If he is not doing that then it is his problem. Not your fault. There are a number of underlying problems driving this behavior - mostly anxiety on his side, fear of rejection and the general testing attitude. And as a result we are dealing with some passive aggression. Sucks, general BPD type behavior. For the time being you can:

- not take blame, not JADE

- being consistent

- avoid invalidating him. Validate/appreciate him expressing whatever.

- validate anxiety when you are sensing it

- if he is not providing input have your own plan ready (and consistently stick to it - boundaries, avoid getting into game playing)

,

a0

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate everything you said.

I have often said to him how does he expect me to know things if he won't discuss them, I'm not a mind reader and that's always set him off. He would rage that I can't possibly love him then. I'm glad it is not just me, it always sends me round the bend and makes me so frustrated. I want to solve things,  i want to fix it and he obstructs that. The testing attitude is something else he does all the time - I have a horrendously poor memory and he plays on that a lot, asking if I remember things we did together, and if I don't he will go into a mood with me and tell me I can't possibly value our relationship. I can't remember what I did yesterday most days... .

I have managed to get him to reply to me this evening. I have tried all the validation and the SET technique and it seems to be diffusing the situation well. He's still being miserable but at least it's not rage directed at me.

I wish I'd discovered this years ago!

[takingandsending]

Hi Anxia.

Welcome to the family. I completely understand about the arguments and fights. 

Pretty sure that's how most of us find this site, at the point of despair over the endless and seemingly senseless arguments.

An0ught gave you a good response. One of the hardest things for me to learn was to stop JADEing. When you are being confronted by your bf with a statement, accusation, hurt, etc., do not justify, argue, defend or explain your position. It invalidates the pwBPD worse than anything else that you can do. In the feelings=facts world of BPD, if you counter their feeling with a position of your own, you are invalidating their experience of the world. If you can avoid JADE during these crises, the highs and lows of the roller coaster will level out a little bit. Then the other tools like SET and validation can work.

And it's important to begin to understand your own values and needs to develop healthy boundaries, because there are just going to be those times when the dysregulation will be unavoidable. Keep posting and know that you are not alone. Post questions or successes or try out would-be dialog with the group. There is support for you.

[Anxia]

Looking back all I ever seemed to do was JADE and that's what sent him into the rages. It all makes sense now. To a logical person that usually solves a disagreement but to a BPD it's fuel to the fire.

How do you deal with misplaced jealousy and that leading onto hatred of things that the non enjoys? I have one particular outdoor hobby that has pretty much started to consume me as it really helps my anxiety and taking my mind off all this. But recently he's decided he hates it and it's therefore triggering and causes him to break down. It's horrendous for me as it's my only outlet that seems to now be taken away from me as if I go it's going to cause a meltdown. I feel angry because he knows how much this hobby means to me and how much I love it and it's like he's trying to ruin that for me too. Feels so cruel.

[Anxia]

And what do you do when the BPD clocks on to your attempts at validation and tells you to "stop f**king talking like that I hate it"... .?

Plus after trying to explain to him earlier that I wanted to change my behaviours to try and resolve our conflicts he said I sounding like an American psychologist then said point blank he didn't want to change. That was so disheartening to hear.  :'(

[takingandsending]

So, good questions. My wife used to nosedive every time that I would go hiking or backpacking. My joy at doing something I loved was quickly replaced with dread at coming home to her completely dysregulated. Since fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, it sometimes help to set very clear limits of when you will be back, and this is important, you have to be back when you state. Have you tried this? All I can write for now. I will try to respond more later

[Anxia]

So, good questions. My wife used to nosedive every time that I would go hiking or backpacking. My joy at doing something I loved was quickly replaced with dread at coming home to her completely dysregulated. Since fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, it sometimes help to set very clear limits of when you will be back, and this is important, you have to be back when you state. Have you tried this? All I can write for now. I will try to respond more later

As we do not live together I'm not sure if this would really make much of a difference. He's never had a real problem with it until recently when he's just decided that he hates it and everyone associated with it. So all my friends. I had an ex before who hated all my friends for no reason and I can't believe I'm going through all that again.  :'(

[an0ught]

As we do not live together I'm not sure if this would really make much of a difference. He's never had a real problem with it until recently when he's just decided that he hates it and everyone associated with it. So all my friends. I had an ex before who hated all my friends for no reason and I can't believe I'm going through all that again.  :'(

You simply became more important to him over time and he is jealous of the attention you are getting and time spend on others. Now jealousy in general is something normal and to a degree also healthy. It can act as a signal drawing our attention to the boundaries of the relationship in question and help us monitoring violations. But when it grows unchecked one got a problem.

Not that unchecked growing emotions are new to us - that is at the core of BPD. The way to deal with them from our side is validation - making him aware that he is jealous. Now dealing with his emotions that is his problem.

[Anxia]

Validation is failing. He says my replies are soulless and treating him like he's stupid. Is this what high functioning is? How can you validate less obviously? I'm still learning.

I've taken my son away for the weekend and it's caused massive dysregulation. He says I didn't invite him. But I did. He said he wasn't good company and he would probably be prevented from coming (he wasn't sure if he was going to have his kids). Now all of a sudden he's free and raging at me for not considering him at all and I've casted him aside. He's threatening to jump off the cliffs near his home. I've come away with my son to have some time together and try quell this anxiety and I've so far just spent the whole time trying to placate him. What can I do? I'm not nearby to stop him hurting himself. He has attempted suicide before with pills. I'm thoroughly fed up.

[an0ught]

Tuning validation takes time.

For some verbalization of emotions works for others it may at the beginning sound artificial. In some cases this artificialness may undermine the validation in some other cases the validation still works even if he protests that you are doing child talk. If you would be well trained therapist focused on validation and someone validates you and you fully understand what is going on then it still would have an impact. The key point with validation is that the other person receives emotional feedback. Words are just one means. Other means are:

- volume of voice. When he is getting upset and getting louder it can e.g. help to fully turn towards him and also raising your voice temporarily somewhat.

- tone of voice. Putting a conscious effort into curious, upset or dismissing tone into your responses.

- maintain eye contact to signal interest, attention

- asking questions that reflect understanding

- if you are feeling the same emotion then instead talking about how you feel.

- normalizing relating what he is feeling/telling to outside frame of reference ("When one hears fire everyone panics".

Validation is working when he ramps emotionally a notch down. What he tells you is less relevant beyond the associated emotional expressions. How tense he continues to behave matters a lot more.


When it comes to validation I believe our own attitude matters a lot. First our attitude is often shining through. Second our motivation determines whether we will adopt validation on a continuing basis. Validation is some work. Over time we get better and it is less work but it is still some work. Now if we do it to constantly sooth our partner then it is draining us. If we do it to genuinely get a deeper and more accurate understanding of our partner then it helps us. Also the other way round

- if your partner suspects that you manipulate emotions it results in upset. Your partner is possibly then blocking a certain type of approach.

- if your partner senses that you want to truly understand him then he may complain about your stupid line of questions. Still both sides get a deeper understanding of what is going on.

Again, it takes a while to recognize detailed emotions on the other side and find the right words that work for your partner (social background, established relationship language etc.). While trying to apply validation you build up a new vocabulary and start to be able to faster recognize behavior/emotional patterns. In that process you then also become more comfortable to trust your situational understanding and are able to better discount his words while paying more attention to what exactly he does.

It is really learning like learning a new language in a foreign country without a detailed guidebook. It takes time and experimentation. You are experimenting   and that is a sign you are on the right path.

[takingandsending]

Anxia, if he is threatening suicide, call 911. There is a tab on this age that walks through when a partner is in suicidal ideation. I can understand why you are frustrated. I think for you right now, probably establishing what your boundaries: values are is most important to get your ship righted. Validation and SET work best when your partner and you are not in heightened emotional states. Please post to let us know if you are still on the midst of this or things have settled down

[Anxia]

- volume of voice. When he is getting upset and getting louder it can e.g. help to fully turn towards him and also raising your voice temporarily somewhat.

- tone of voice. Putting a conscious effort into curious, upset or dismissing tone into your responses.

- maintain eye contact to signal interest, attention

- asking questions that reflect understanding

- if you are feeling the same emotion then instead talking about how you feel.

- normalizing relating what he is feeling/telling to outside frame of reference ("When one hears fire everyone panics".

Thanks again for your reply. This is all interesting. When he gets very emotional around me it sends me into my shell. I shut down. I'm so afraid of making it worse that I just say nothing. Get upset at all the insults. I have always thought raising my voice would make it worse. I look away as if I look at him the anger on his face just makes me cry. I fear asking questions as that usually results in him telling me I should know or that he's already told me and I don't listen. Talking about how I feel is a no no. Even today. "Can't this ever just be about my feelings? You always make it about you." He can't seem to comprehend it when I am trying to empathise.

Sometimes i feel like he expects me to stand there and let him abuse me without being bothered by it. I can't do that.

Again, it takes a while to recognize detailed emotions on the other side and find the right words that work for your partner (social background, established relationship language etc.). While trying to apply validation you build up a new vocabulary and start to be able to faster recognize behavior/emotional patterns. In that process you then also become more comfortable to trust your situational understanding and are able to better discount his words while paying more attention to what exactly he does.

It is really learning like learning a new language in a foreign country without a detailed guidebook. It takes time and experimentation. You are experimenting   and that is a sign you are on the right path.

I think that's it. My language is too wooden and unlike me. I need to hone it a bit better. But all this has made me see him in a very different light. I used to get really angry and resent his attacks on me. They're still upsetting but I feel like I have a bit more of a plan now. It's frustrating but I hope I can be able to diffuse things a bit more.

[Anxia]

Anxia, if he is threatening suicide, call 911. There is a tab on this age that walks through when a partner is in suicidal ideation. I can understand why you are frustrated. I think for you right now, probably establishing what your boundaries: values are is most important to get your ship righted. Validation and SET work best when your partner and you are not in heightened emotional states. Please post to let us know if you are still on the midst of this or things have settled down

Can you link that to me? I can't seem to find it.

I have threatened before with the police. It makes him angry as he says it's humiliation. The same excuse he gives for not seeking help. The shame element of BPD really shines out here. When he took the pills I only found out the next day and he'd not messaged me since.  So I sent an ambulance. He turned it away. He was too humiliated to ask for help. Luckily he'd thrown most of them up.

Things have settled. He's gone out for dinner with his daughter. I'm glad she called him to go out. Pressure is off me for an hour or two.

[Anxia]

I fell asleep waiting for him to come back. Mentally and physically exhausted. I wake up to a pile of texts. An apology. Then because I don't reply I must be "busy with someone else". Argggh!

[an0ught]

It can be exhausting  . He is jealous of Mr. Sandman?

[Anxia]

Clearly he thinks because he thinks I didn't invite him I'm with another man. Because that's the way he is thinking at the moment. The current issue is now I am home I am offering to come see him and he won't say yes or no. He's testing me I think. He says do what I want. That he is going to bed soon. But I'm too anxious to do anything without confirmation. Because in the last he's said things like I pressure him to come over. That all I come for is sex. Like he has no choice in it. But when I ask I am asking what he wants. And I do that. Somehow he twists it in his mind. I'm a mess. :'(

[Anxia]

Ok it was definitely a test. He's just massively dysregulated.  Apparently he spelled it out for me. Which he clearly did not! :'(

[CastleofGlass]

Ok it was definitely a test. He's just massively dysregulated.  Apparently he spelled it out for me. Which he clearly did not! :'(

I'm still new to this site and the knowledge that BPD is what my wife has. We have been married for 8 years and it has been a roller coaster of "What in the Nine Hells do I with a do whatever you want statement?" I really love my wife, but ever since my therapist suggested that my wife has BPD to me and me confirming through more research than I've ever done in my life, this is a nightmare. At first I had some peace. I finally knew what I am dealing with. But now, I think "F**k, this is what I'm dealing with." My worse quality is that I try to rationalize everything. I'll pause for the laughs as I am a rational man married to a BPD woman.

I'm trying to be calm, but considering what I dealt with yesterday and it rolling into today... .BPD can just go F**k itself. This is stressful and sometimes, even with the information on this website and the books out there, the non BPD person just needs to have a "No BPD wife, f**k you, not me. Shut up and get over yourself" kind of moment

[takingandsending]

Anxia,

Here is the link for protocol on suicidal ideation https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm.

I completely understand your frustration on the communication of wants/wishes/needs. My wife told me this weekend how angry she was that I couldn't read her mind and get her allergy medicine (which she has never had to take before) from the pharmacy, and she had to get it herself when she was exhausted.  

It's part of the feelings=facts world that pwBPD live in. Your bf's facts of what he communicated are based on feelings that he was having, so clearly you are supposed to be more telepathic. For a long time, my wife accused me of forgetting one thing after another that she had told me, told me how sick she was of living with the absent minded professor, demeaned me for my poor memory. And I believed it. I really thought I must not have heard her properly, or I fought back and got into he said/she said arguments that went nuclear. After reading the posts here, I began to understand that it wasn't my memory. Rather, it was my wife feeling something so strongly that it becomes her facts. I no longer engage in the he said/she said. I no longer validate her assertions that my memory is at fault or that I am insensitive for not reading her mind. It's freed up a lot of the suffering that I felt. Now, I can say things like, It is frustrating when you really needed that allergy medicine and felt like I wasn't there for you. I do want to help you get your needs met. I think we work better when we you text me stuff that you want help with.

Hang in there. Keep reading the Lessons on the right. Keep posting.

CastleofGlass - I think we have all been there. Welcome to BPD family. Keep reading the Lessons on the right. Those moments still come, but if we take care of ourselves first, things can go better for us.

[Anxia]

Ok it was definitely a test. He's just massively dysregulated.  Apparently he spelled it out for me. Which he clearly did not! :'(

I'm still new to this site and the knowledge that BPD is what my wife has. We have been married for 8 years and it has been a roller coaster of "What in the Nine Hells do I with a do whatever you want statement?" I really love my wife, but ever since my therapist suggested that my wife has BPD to me and me confirming through more research than I've ever done in my life, this is a nightmare. At first I had some peace. I finally knew what I am dealing with. But now, I think "F**k, this is what I'm dealing with." My worse quality is that I try to rationalize everything. I'll pause for the laughs as I am a rational man married to a BPD woman.

I'm trying to be calm, but considering what I dealt with yesterday and it rolling into today... .BPD can just go F**k itself. This is stressful and sometimes, even with the information on this website and the books out there, the non BPD person just needs to have a "No BPD wife, f**k you, not me. Shut up and get over yourself" kind of moment

I can completely empathise with you here Castle. I've been feeling exactly the same. First a sense of relief. Now I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. I understand him a bit more but because it's still so irrational I am struggling to get my head around it all.

I had a massive breakdown last night as he had a huge go at me via text. Told him we should break up. That I couldn't handle it. He tells me I won't make him happy but he doesn't want to break up. I feel trapped. I love him but my mental health is really suffering. He won't let me have space. How can he speak to me that way then still want to be around me?

[Stalwart]

Hey Anxia:

Welcome. Man I have to tell you I’m anxious just after reading all this thread.

It can be so darn overwhelming after the first aha moment of knowing a person’s illness and an explanation for all the chaos that has gotten us to that point. The tools on this site are really excellent but it takes time to absorb it all and put it in to a ‘natural’ practice.

Validation really takes time to learn and to be honestly and sincerely fit into the context of conversation without sounding as though it’s mechanical or to someone else sounding condescending which is what it sounded like when your friend came at you about trying to use it. There is so much to learn and absorb and it really does take time and practice to wrap your head around it all. Being in such a tumultuous state that you’re in reacting to his dysregualtion is really a challenged place to try and learn from because of the fear and anxiety you must feel.

When I put myself into your posts it just so feels as though I’m being pulled against every bit of strength and will I have into the center of a tornado.

It’s got to be about you Anxia. It has to be about you finding your footing and standing more firmly in what’s good for you, as a secondary issue, it really has to be about what really good for your son as well.  The coercion and the threats are something beyond your ability or your responsibility to be accountable for. It is not your fault he is threatening harm to himself. If those types of dysregulated threats he is knowingly doing is something you would respond to; you really have to take a step back out of the storm for a minute and ask yourself “Are they worth me responding to?”

Honestly sweetheart I’m going to use your words her “I’m a mess.” It might be time to step back a bit until he finds some control because you’re getting really bashed and I’m so hoping it’s not affecting your kids as well but fear it must be.

You cannot stop his threats nor what he does as a result of them. You are not responsible for them any more than you can control the outcome of them. Catering or falling into them is not good for either of you and especially not good for you.

Why do you feel trapped? Talk to us about that because that is probably a place we’ve all felt, been alone in that place and felt that desperation and can certainly help you with it.

Honestly sweetie, you need to step back and get a bit of distance for a couple of days, take a deep breath and maybe just focus on your own mental and physical welfare and your kids too. Give yourself space to think Anxia.

[CastleofGlass]

I had a massive breakdown last night as he had a huge go at me via text. Told him we should break up. That I couldn't handle it. He tells me I won't make him happy but he doesn't want to break up. I feel trapped. I love him but my mental health is really suffering. He won't let me have space. How can he speak to me that way then still want to be around me?

This is the exact way I feel everytime my wife lashes out at me and what makes it hard for us dealing with a pwBPD. It must be nice to say whatever crosses your mind and feel so damn right about it. I absolutely hate this part of it. So many times she will lash out and I feel like I could just shut her down verbally to the point of wanting to end her life with all that I have bottled up over these 8 years. I mean, she has done so many ridiculous things in her life and made so many choices that were more immature than I have ever made yet she will call me on them. I don't throw any of that in her face like she does to me. I get angry just thinking about it. I have found lately that my blood will boil and I will start to shake when she goes off on me. It's been many years and now I know what I'm dealing with but at the same time, my patience is walking a fine line. I will never physically strike my wife, I'm not that way, but long before I met my wife, I once had the power to go toe to toe verbally as I was quick witted. People that rubbed me the wrong way, I had no problem spewing out venom about themselves to make them shut down. But mine wasn't in a BPD manner, these were people that were nasty and said whatever they wanted to make themselves feel good. I had since left that part of me since it was not a good trait to carry. But man... .so many times over the years... .I have thought about waking that guy up. It will benefit no one though. My children will be the losers of that situation.

Back to your statement though. The thing to remember is, you aren't married to one another, and you don't have children together. I will say this time and time again. You have children and you need to make decisions based on them and them alone when concerning taking on a partner. You aren't as deep in this as many who are married to a pwBPD and have children together. I already stated to another on this forum, if my marriage fails before my kids are all out of the house, I will never be in a relationship with another mentally ill person again... .EVER. Anyone dating someone with BPD and is unhappy needs to get the hell out and don't look back. You have a person that you aren't married to and you know what condition they have, what you will be dealing with and already have experience as to what your life will be like forever. This is not like dating someone with cancer and knowing what you are getting into and being ok with taking on that responsibility. I love my children above anything in this world and many times, they are what keep me in this marriage. But still, sometimes, I think if I knew what I was taking on... .I would have dropped this woman on the side of the road and said no thanks.

[an0ught]

I had a massive breakdown last night as he had a huge go at me via text. Told him we should break up. That I couldn't handle it. He tells me I won't make him happy but he doesn't want to break up. I feel trapped. I love him but my mental health is really suffering. He won't let me have space. How can he speak to me that way then still want to be around me?

 This back-and-forth can turn one crazy.   

One of the most painful aspects of being the partner of a pwBPD is that with weak boundaries we get unfiltered mental toxic waste dumped on us. Even more frustrating is it to see that the same person can actually behave with others when there is need. Our world is different.

It is not so much that there is a grand master plan to aim the sludge in our direction. The person is under pressure and the weakest wall is on our side and thats where it gets dumped. What we see was not specifically cooked up for us - it is just waste that is overwhelming the person who is under much of the same stuff.

Boundaries are tools for respect. Getting the first ones in place is hard and scary. Once they are either less waste has to be produced or another outlet needs to be found. But not in our back-yard! When someone sends hurtful messages and does not stop after a warning - don't read them - straight to the bin. Phones can be switched off for some time. If there are patterns when such messages arrive (certain time of day, when drinking etc.) then refuse to communicate during those periods. It is polite to tell the other person that you are now doing a time-out but in the end what matters is setting up rules for yourself and sticking to them.

Setting up some rules for yourself and sticking to them will help you becoming less reactive to the drama he conjures. It may also help you with your self esteem waking again a few straight steps under your control.

Hang in there 

[takingandsending]

Anxia - an0ught and Stalwart are on the right track. This is boundary work for you, and as Stalwart suggests, starting where you feel stuck is the place that is ripe for work. It is painful taking a look within to see where you are not taking care of yourself. I personally felt a lot of self-betrayal, anger at my wife, and recrimination for myself. BUT ... .it really has helped. If you can get those boundaries in place and working for you, the crappy dynamics you are experiencing can improve. At the least, you know you have your own back.

Castle - your post could have been written by me at many points of my life over the past 9 months. There are stages that people go through living with someone with a mental illness. .

STAGES OF EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

I.   DEALING WITH CATASTROPHIC EVENTS

Crisis/Chaos/Shock Denial; “normalizing” Hoping Against Hope

NEEDS:   *Support   *Comfort   *Empathy   for   confusion *Help finding resources *Crisis intervention *Prognosis *Empathy for pain *NAMI

II.   LEARNING TO COPE Anger/Guilt/Resentment Recognition

Grief

NEEDS: *Vent feelings *Keep hope *Education

*Self-care *Networking *Skill training *Letting go *Co-op from System *NAMI

III. MOVING INTO ADVOCACY

Understanding Acceptance Advocacy/Action

We move through these stages and we cycle back and forth from time to time. At some point, if you are going to stay because of your kids, you may find that your wife isn't enjoying her seemingly cruel and callous words any more than you do. I know, with my wife, that I now see the illness more than a personal attack. I don't like it much better, but it gives me just enough space to allow for the possibility of seeing those things that are good in her. They haven't gone away - my appreciation has gone away because of the abuse that I have suffered. It sure sounds like you are going through that as well. But for your kids' sakes, the more that you can learn, adapt and create space, the better your life will be and your family's. I really feel for the space you are in right now. It hurts. Feels like the walls of your life are caving in on you, and you did nothing to deserve it. If you haven't done so, I suggest reading the Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook and doing the exercises in there. It was a starting point for allowing the betrayal, anger and eventually grief, to start working through me.

For both of you, if you can, seeing a T for your own health and well being is really helpful. Do either of you have support from friends, family or counseling? I will also recommend that NAMI hosts family support group meetings. Just having people to talk to about the crazy stuff you go through is really necessary.