Adolescence with an unBPD mother - she said/I said

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted this over on the OOTF board and thought I'd post it over here as well, as I'm sure many of you can relate.

So, I finally called my parents after a lengthy break. We had traded a few emails, and I sent a book to my mother for mother's day that I knew she'd like. I got out of having to call her as my folks were traveling on that day. Good thing, as I was not ready. Our last phone conversation was in December, and it wasn't too pleasant, hence my reluctance to re-establish phone contact. I knew, however, from my mother's emails that she was feeling better due to a new medication regimen, so it sounded like it might be safe to call again. Also, she had surgery a couple of weeks ago, so I felt compelled to check in with her about that. And Father's Day is coming up, and I wanted to break the ice before that day arrives.

It was a positive convo. over all. UnBPDm sounded infinitely better than she did the last time we spoke. Neither of us made any reference to the previous conversation. I doubt she remembers much of what she said. No matter - I didn't expect or want to go there. I just wanted to see if we could move forward from that low point, and it seems we can, for what that's worth. I have made it clear to myself that any contact we have is solely for my own peace of mind. I'm no longer focusing on trying to figure out what would make them happy. Well, I'm working on that. These things take time.

Anyway, my mother, as always, had much to say, and I found her comments regarding a previous family vacation very interesting and enlightening, particularly now that I'm coming out of the fog (I hope!). For whatever reason, she felt the need to recount her version of a vacation that the family took to Florida when I and my brother were in our mid-late teens. As she described it, it was a "disaster" as my brother and I didn't want to go and "weren't pleasant." The only specific thing she referred to behavior-wise was that one day I told them I'd been stung by a jellyfish and after that wouldn't get back in the water. She also described the nightmarish drive back home at the end of the vacation and how everyone but her was hell-bent on getting home, so we made the two-day drive in one.

Ok. Here's how I remember it. I remember being excited to go as we'd never been to a really nice beach before, one with white sands and clear blue-green water. As far as I was concerned, I was in Paradise. Yeah, I'd rather have been with friends than with my parents, but I was ok with it. If anything, I felt lonely, but I was used to that and very good at entertaining myself. Yes, I did get stung by a jellyfish, on my foot. It wasn't, as my mother made it sound, a stunt on my part to be difficult or petulant or act out my not wanting to be there. I remember she reacted to my injury with anger. It was my Dad who took me back to our condo. to treat it. I had visible red swollen slash marks on my foot, and it was very painful. My mother didn't see them because she was too busy being irritated, and I don't think she even believed I had been stung. This was not the only jellyfish incident, however. What really scared me out of the water, the deep water anyway, was seeing one of those man-of-war types of jellyfish with the long dangling tentacles just a few feet away from me when I was swimming. It was at that point that I decided I'd stay in the surf and lay out on the sand, look for shells, etc. I was a veteran beach-bum even at that age. I didn't have to go deep into the water to enjoy myself. I don't recall making any sort of federal case out of it or trying to keep anyone else from getting in the water. And as for the trip home, the way I remember it it was my mother who wanted to get home all in one go. She had a panic attack when we got stuck in traffic on a bridge over a swampy area, and it all went downhill from there. At one point, she and I went into a public restroom where she was ranting to me about my father and brother and how she just wanted to go home. When we returned to the car, my mother informed them that she and I had talked and that I agreed with her that we should just drive all the way home. Not true, I hadn't said a word. At that point, I just put my headphones on (Walkman - old school - yay!) and tried to imagine I was somewhere else 'til we got back.

So why did she even bring all this up? I don't really know. But her capper to this story was that it was this trip that clued her in that my brother and I didn't NEED her any more. She said that she'd seen it happen with other people's children, but she never thought it would happen with us. I tried to interject and explain to her that we did need her then, just in a very different way, but she wasn't really hearing what I was saying. Well, when has she ever? She also told the story of how my father came home one day devestated because I'd told him that I didn't want him to talk to me and my friends during carpool. (I was much bolder, and at times meaner, with my Dad than I ever would have dared to be with my mom). My mother said my dad thought I didn't love him any more, which she thought was hilarious, that he was so clueless (cuz she's not? whatever). Course, that's her version, but I do recall that my Dad, in his own way, found my adolescence very upsetting. It seemed like he got his feelings hurt a lot, at least according to my mother.

In the past this sort of monologue would have sent me into orbit. I would be pinging back and forth between self-defensive anger and guilt. Now I just feel sad. I'm really grateful for the work I've been doing with adolescents (aged 11-14) for the past 8 years. The individuation process is really difficult and how many of us get the support we need to succesfully navigate that transition? I certainly didn't. Anyway, I just needed to write out my side of the story. Interactions with my parents always revolve around processing their experiences and feelings. I'm starting to see more and more that it's always been that way.

-ITN-

[Is This Normal]

I posted this over on the OOTF board and thought I'd post it over here as well, as I'm sure many of you can relate.

So, I finally called my parents after a lengthy break. We had traded a few emails, and I sent a book to my mother for mother's day that I knew she'd like. I got out of having to call her as my folks were traveling on that day. Good thing, as I was not ready. Our last phone conversation was in December, and it wasn't too pleasant, hence my reluctance to re-establish phone contact. I knew, however, from my mother's emails that she was feeling better due to a new medication regimen, so it sounded like it might be safe to call again. Also, she had surgery a couple of weeks ago, so I felt compelled to check in with her about that. And Father's Day is coming up, and I wanted to break the ice before that day arrives.

It was a positive convo. over all. UnBPDm sounded infinitely better than she did the last time we spoke. Neither of us made any reference to the previous conversation. I doubt she remembers much of what she said. No matter - I didn't expect or want to go there. I just wanted to see if we could move forward from that low point, and it seems we can, for what that's worth. I have made it clear to myself that any contact we have is solely for my own peace of mind. I'm no longer focusing on trying to figure out what would make them happy. Well, I'm working on that. These things take time.

Anyway, my mother, as always, had much to say, and I found her comments regarding a previous family vacation very interesting and enlightening, particularly now that I'm coming out of the fog (I hope!). For whatever reason, she felt the need to recount her version of a vacation that the family took to Florida when I and my brother were in our mid-late teens. As she described it, it was a "disaster" as my brother and I didn't want to go and "weren't pleasant." The only specific thing she referred to behavior-wise was that one day I told them I'd been stung by a jellyfish and after that wouldn't get back in the water. She also described the nightmarish drive back home at the end of the vacation and how everyone but her was hell-bent on getting home, so we made the two-day drive in one.

Ok. Here's how I remember it. I remember being excited to go as we'd never been to a really nice beach before, one with white sands and clear blue-green water. As far as I was concerned, I was in Paradise. Yeah, I'd rather have been with friends than with my parents, but I was ok with it. If anything, I felt lonely, but I was used to that and very good at entertaining myself. Yes, I did get stung by a jellyfish, on my foot. It wasn't, as my mother made it sound, a stunt on my part to be difficult or petulant or act out my not wanting to be there. I remember she reacted to my injury with anger. It was my Dad who took me back to our condo. to treat it. I had visible red swollen slash marks on my foot, and it was very painful. My mother didn't see them because she was too busy being irritated, and I don't think she even believed I had been stung. This was not the only jellyfish incident, however. What really scared me out of the water, the deep water anyway, was seeing one of those man-of-war types of jellyfish with the long dangling tentacles just a few feet away from me when I was swimming. It was at that point that I decided I'd stay in the surf and lay out on the sand, look for shells, etc. I was a veteran beach-bum even at that age. I didn't have to go deep into the water to enjoy myself. I don't recall making any sort of federal case out of it or trying to keep anyone else from getting in the water. And as for the trip home, the way I remember it it was my mother who wanted to get home all in one go. She had a panic attack when we got stuck in traffic on a bridge over a swampy area, and it all went downhill from there. At one point, she and I went into a public restroom where she was ranting to me about my father and brother and how she just wanted to go home. When we returned to the car, my mother informed them that she and I had talked and that I agreed with her that we should just drive all the way home. Not true, I hadn't said a word. At that point, I just put my headphones on (Walkman - old school - yay!) and tried to imagine I was somewhere else 'til we got back.

So why did she even bring all this up? I don't really know. But her capper to this story was that it was this trip that clued her in that my brother and I didn't NEED her any more. She said that she'd seen it happen with other people's children, but she never thought it would happen with us. I tried to interject and explain to her that we did need her then, just in a very different way, but she wasn't really hearing what I was saying. Well, when has she ever? She also told the story of how my father came home one day devestated because I'd told him that I didn't want him to talk to me and my friends during carpool. (I was much bolder, and at times meaner, with my Dad than I ever would have dared to be with my mom). My mother said my dad thought I didn't love him any more, which she thought was hilarious, that he was so clueless (cuz she's not? whatever). Course, that's her version, but I do recall that my Dad, in his own way, found my adolescence very upsetting. It seemed like he got his feelings hurt a lot, at least according to my mother.

In the past this sort of monologue would have sent me into orbit. I would be pinging back and forth between self-defensive anger and guilt. Now I just feel sad. I'm really grateful for the work I've been doing with adolescents (aged 11-14) for the past 8 years. The individuation process is really difficult and how many of us get the support we need to succesfully navigate that transition? I certainly didn't. Anyway, I just needed to write out my side of the story. Interactions with my parents always revolve around processing their experiences and feelings. I'm starting to see more and more that it's always been that way.

-ITN-

[K1313]

Course, that's her version, but I do recall that my Dad, in his own way, found my adolescence very upsetting. It seemed like he got his feelings hurt a lot, at least according to my mother.

... .

Interactions with my parents always revolve around processing their experiences and feelings. I'm starting to see more and more that it's always been that way.

This is a huge issue for me right now as I work through my feelings about my BPDmother. According to my BPDmother people are upset/upset with me all the time. For so many years I just took her at her word but I started to question her narrative in recent months. When I've reached out to the people she claims are upset, I find that - 9 times out of 10 - she completely made it up or blew it way out of proportion. I don't believe this is done maliciously. I think that she views it as a big deal the way everything is a big deal to a person with BPD and she truly can't fathom that it's not the same for everyone else.

As for interactions involving processing their experiences and feelings. Oh man... .yes. A thousand times yes. I could write a War and Peace length manifesto of all the examples but you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. It's really tough as a child to have all your experiences sidelined in deference to processing how they feel about your experience.

You sound like you have a pretty good handle on the situation.

[zubizou87]

Yes distortion is tricky especially regarding memories. I remember recalling a memory of my dad plaiting (braiding) my hair for school. My BPD mum got so angry and jealous I didn't remember her plaiting my hair.

The 'people are upset with me' thing is usually an envy issue trying to sabotage a relationship with that person. I have a relative I visit regularly because I just like them alot enjoy their company and always have a nice time when I visit. My mum made some snarky comments about how this relative was tired of me 'inviting' myself over all the time. I was really hurt because I thought I had a good relationship and honestly see them once maybe twice a year.

I still don't know whether the relative said that, she exagerrated a comment or completely made it up.