Building bridges

[DreamLover]

After 50-plus years of coping with a 'super-sensitive' , overtly loving and kind sister, recent conflict and developments which have led to a cessation of communication between us have led me to discuss her behaviours with friends who recommended this site. Finally, after all this time I feel I am beginning to understand what is happening in my sister's head.  From what I have read, I think I am dealing with a Bpd 'personality style' - the description of controlling behaviour style: 'sufferer' describes my sister to a T.  I am relieved to understand that she is on the mild end of the spectrum, she is highly emotional, given to extreme bouts of prolonged crying (3 days sometimes) when she perceives that I have hurt her, and she expects me to read her mind and know what I have done. She has a tendency to put negative spin on interactions with people, and changes the emphasis with subtle references or tone of voice to portray comments or actions as much more negative - or even downright nasty. I love her very much, and I am just so, so sad and mortified that in this latest confrontation with her (on the telephone) I did all the wrong things - tried to defend myself, told her she was imagining things, even accused her of downright delusional behaviour. "Are you saying I am mentally ill?" She asked me. I denied it, I was just thinking she might just be a bit of a negative thinker and could get help for that. She is also desperately insecure and I think suffers fear of abandonment. Our Dad was bi-polar,(then referred to as a manic-depressive) and had the first of many nervous breakdowns when he was just 17 years old. Our mother cracked under the strain in her late forties and suffered several breakdowns also. My Dad committed suicide in his late fifties. We were/are a close family, and we lost a sibling in our late teens which probably kept us close. Our Mum passed away a few years ago and my sibling who had maintained a very close relationship with her was devastated for two/three years. Without judging here, I think there may be an element of 'wallowing' in the grief - perhaps enjoying (too strong a word but can't think how else to say it) the drama/sadness/crying. Anyway, at the end of our recent confrontational conversation, we mutually decided that the 12-month spate of ongoing misunderstandings in our  relationship is hurting us both, and we decided to cease having a relationship. No time limit was discussed, I have a fear that left like this, it may be forever. Question: how to re-establish communication without feeding into the drama or is it even a good idea to try? It has been two weeks with no contact so far. Thank you!

[Pilate]

I am glad you found this community, DL. Welcome!

There are many resources, tools, and support for you here. Your post shows compassion and love for your sister even when she is doing and saying painful things.

No time limit was discussed, I have a fear that left like this, it may be forever. Question: how to re-establish communication without feeding into the drama or is it even a good idea to try? It has been two weeks with no contact so far.

Would writing a brief email that keeps the relationship door open be a possibility? There is a book that the parents of children with BPD use quite a bit by Valerie Porr. I think the title is Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. In the book are sample letters to write in order to reestablish communication. Many members on the parenting board have found great success with this written communication method along with patience, radical acceptance, and time.

Writing a brief email where you own your mistakes and that you are working on doing better and ending with a sincere restatement of love for your sister and desire for connection when she is ready is something that works for some members. Building such bridges does take quite a bit of time and emotional energy, and it can be two step stones forward, one step stone back process, as I'm sure you're well aware. We also have to be prepared that such messages are often met with angry and hurtful responses or silence from the other person. (I have had this happen to me a few times with my husband's sister. I continue repeating that it is not about me; it is about her.) You would let your sister know that you care and when she is in a less dysregulated place, she will remember that you reached out/wanted to keep the door open.

Does this sound like a possibility? I'm sure others will be along soon to welcome you to this group, too, and offer additional suggestions.

[Kwamina]

Hi DreamLover

I'd like to join Pilate in welcoming you here  She has given you some solid advice

You have been through a lot of difficult things in your family including some difficult losses. I am very sorry you've had these experiences.

BPD is a difficult disorder and (unfortunately) we aren't born with the knowledge and skills required to deal with it. This is something we have to learn as we go a long, often through a process of trial and error.

If you were to decide to re-establish contact with your sister, I suggest you take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this website such as validation. We also have information here about things you can do yourself to end the cycle of conflict:

Communication Skills - Validation

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

There is also a technique called S.E.T. that I believe might be helpful for any future interactions with your sister. The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. helps minimize the chance of further conflict or drama while maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. S.E.T. can also help you stay calmer yourself by focusing on a structured way of communicating and keeping your end goal in mind. If you want to read more about S.E.T., we have a workshop about this technique: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

I hope these resources can be of some help to you.

Take care