I'm about a week off 90 days of N/C and well over 120 days since I last saw my BPDx. I can honestly say I am no longer in that deep, dark thrashing of pain and sorrow I was those first few weeks where at times I didnt think I was going to survive another hour let alone another day yet here it is 3 months later and I am really becoming sane again. Yes there are still moments of ruminating but I am training myself that whenever she invades my mind I disinvite her by remembering the effects she has on me both physically and mentally.
For those brief moments where I feel that tug to reach out and make contact I stop and ask my self two important questions.
A. Why I am I reaching out?
B. What will the outcome be?
A. Why am I wanting contact and reaching out?
If I really think about this my main reason for making contact is because there is still some sort of tie to her.
While I am no longer obsessed, I know that I still have a form of addiction to her and the relationship.
This opens up another question.
Addicted to what?
During the "idealization phase" it was about two components.
1. The wonderful
WORDS that included Love Bombing via calls, texts and emails. At the end of the day that's all it really was. Words. Empty, manipulating words. Perhaps for brief monents when she was in a certain state those Words had meaning but those Words were never followed up with concrete ACTIONS. She didnt walk the talk. The Words vs. Actions were contradictions. These Words also cut both ways. When she went into her rages or painted me black this was the Only time that her Words equaled the Actions. She would say mean, demeaning things to me as well as cut me from contact. Ask me to leave and punish me in anyway she could. Why was it that when she said "nice things" she couldn't follow up with Actions yet when she was pissed she could in fact follow through?
Because I usually blamed myself, I always felt the need to apologize whenever she was mean or cruel. Could this be another reason that I maybe want to make contact? To apologize for something? Am I that pathetic that I need to apologize to person that constantly devalues and emasculates me?
2. Intimacy,
Sex. A big part of our relationship was intensly physical. Mostly sexual. Do I miss this? Sure I do. Sexuality fufils many needs in a person but when you are dysfunctional as she is as well as myself as CoD and Caretaker sex becomes more of an addiction. A way to fill that void and emptiness within. For her it seemed as though it was all about some performance and I also know it was a way to Control me. A way to keep her hooks in me so that I would return again and again. Was this true lovemaking? Perhaps at some moments it was, but the sheer truth it was about the addicting qualities of getting off. Empty, porn like sex.
B. What will the outcome be?
If I do contact her or make an effort to see her I think I know her well enough to know
she will respond 1 of 3 ways.
1. Ignore me. If I call or text/email her she will see it's my number/address and will simply not respond or let call go to voice mail. This will give her a sense of Validation that I still care and have feeling for her while she makes sure I once again feel Rejected.
2. Rail and rage against me. Perhaps she will pick up the call or respond to a text/email. In turn she will make sure I know how I hurt her, how it's all my fault or worse yet tell me what a loser I am and how she never loved me.
3. Tell me what I want to hear with empty Words and promises. If after all this time I am no longer painted black she will dive into her bag of nice adjectives and tell me what a great guy I was, how she loves me and misses me. While this may be true at "the moment" I know that eventually her feelings and emotions will swing the other way for me. This could also open me up to yet another Recycle. I now know that being around her has toxic consequences on my health.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277406.0I have come too far and know too much to place myself back into darkness, feelings of emptiness and chaos. Thanks to these boards and anti-depressants I no longer want to die or feel worthless and empty. It took these almost 90 days of N/C to realize many things and now very carefully Think about what I do when it comes to my BPDx. One of them is to continue staying in No Contact and eventually full Detachment.
Hope this helps someone.
