My niece has undiagnosed BPD

[Dobry]

I have a niece with whom I am very close who has been exhibiting many, many characteristics of BPD. I don't live near her but she is now threatening to kill herself if I don't move near her. She has thus far refused treatment, does not acknowledge psychological issues, thinks she has a serious illness--brain tumor, multiple  sclerosis--which she was tested for 5 years ago and showed no signs. She is having more tests this week--I am going out to be with her for them. She has a very volatile relationship with her mother and now is threatening to kill herself if I don't move somewhere near her. I am terrified, sad, recently out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and have strong co-dependent issues of my own. I believe only treatment will help her but I feel guilty, stressed, wiped out. She is convinced all of her problems stem from her mother, whom she says emotionally and verbally abused her (her mother was a good mother with some passive/aggressive stuff going on--just like our mother was). She also now blames all of her emotional issues on her physical issues. These have been ongoing since high school. She is now 25 and has graduated college, worked as a nanny and saved money but feels that she can't go on with her job--or any job. She has unstable friendships but does have friendships--but has lived in at least a dozen living situations over the last couple of years. I want to help her but I don't believe moving to live with her and care for her because I am being emotionally blackmailed will help either of us. I feel helpless and guilty, and need any advice/support anyone can give. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Dobry,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.  I'm sorry that you are having to deal with your nieces suicidal threats and are being pressured by the threats.  You are right, it is emotional blackmail.  Giving into the threats is not an option as it reinforces these kinds of behaviors, next it will be something else she uses these threats to get her way about.  Having clarity on what you are responsible for, who you are responsible for, and what you have the power to change is important so that you can make wise choices for yourself and the relationship you have with your niece.

I hope that this information will help you in making these wise choices:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog


It is also important to set boundaries for self protection as well as being able to stay in relationship with someone with BPD.  Here is some info to help you make decisions on how to handle the suicidal threats:

Dealing with threats of suicide

We are here to help you work through these difficult situations and support you.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Dobry,

It's tough to have a loved one with BPD, and having codependent traits can be a perfect storm for a lot of dysfunction that doesn't lead to anyone feeling better. I was married to someone with BPD, with strong narcissistic traits, and it takes time to recover. Hearing that your niece will commit suicide if you don't do something can be very traumatizing if you have already experienced what some refer to as emotional blackmail (fear, obligation, guilt).

Have you used validation skills with your niece? She is likely ratcheting up her physical conditions because she feels no one acknowledges her pain. I admit that with my ex, I felt there was nothing I could say or do to convince him I cared deeply about his suffering. My son adopted this communication style, and it took a lot of help from my therapist to learn how to respond to him when he accused me of not loving him or caring (when I didn't respond properly to his claims he got hurt).

I'm glad you reached out and hope you'll post more when you feel comfortable doing so. People here really do understand and peer support makes a difference.



LnL