Question about my daughter

[Eco]

My ex has 2 kids from 2 different dads and then my daughter so 3 kids, her oldest is 10 and she desperately seeks her moms approval and rarely gets it from her because my ex is so rigid and if it isn't done her way it isn't right. Its so sad to watch because my ex barks and intimidates her kids and rules through fear.

The 10 year old is subservient and will do anything to please her mom even though my ex treats her like garbage ( Stockholm syndrome?) I don't think her dad is to involved with her, he gets her every other weekend but it seems more like duty then love. One thing that troubles me is the 10 yr old has trouble speaking to adults, when I first met my ex she would whisper in my exs ear when I asked her questions. she eventually started to trust me and opened up to me and she was able to relax around me when my ex was away because I gave her freedom to act like a kid and not feel like she needed permission to walk 5 ft.  When my ex would rage at me her kids would come to my defense and yell " stop yelling at him" When things were at the end with me and my ex she was yelling at me and the 10 yr old walked up and put her finger on my exs lips and said shhh. unfortunately my ex chased her in the room and started spanking her in a rage that I had to break up because to me it was a beating and abusive.

I really have a soft spot for this little girl and my heart breaks for her, both her kids really liked me a lot but my ex forbids her kids to even wave at me when I get my daughter.

My question is this, Can and how do I keep my daughter from falling to the same fate as her other kids? there may be nothing I can do but I hate to think my daughter would be so desperate for my exs approval and acceptance like the other kids only to not get it. Is it possible for me fill my daughters need for acceptance and approval from her mom or is that something only her mom can do? 

My daughter has such a sweet personality but I see her getting a hard shell already at 2 years old,just to survive I think. Im trying to get more time with my daughter in court and I think the more time I can get my daughter away from her mom the better for my daughter.  Its such a sad situation because a mother is just as important as a father and my daughter needs a mother, I hate wanting to take time away from her and her mom.   

[enlighten me]

More time in my opinion is a good thing. I saw a similar dynamic with my exs kids and it does worry that our son will become enmeshed with her. She can be a wonderful mum but has explosive rages at the kids. She never hits them though.

I have two older boys with my uBPD ex wife and they love their mum but have seen through her behaviour. They want to spend as much time with me as they can.

My only advice is spend as much time with your daughter as you can and show her what a drama free family life is like.

[Swiggle]

My question is this, Can and how do I keep my daughter from falling to the same fate as her other kids?

You'll keep her rom falling to the same fate by being the loving, involved, caring dad that you have been and continue to be. One thing it took me a while to accept, is that we can't shelter our kids from everything bad about our ex or from the world. What we can do that will help them now and when they are older is to guide them, teach them healthy ways to cope with the hard, crappy, uncomfortable stuff of BPD and unhealthy behavior.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have these relationships with your step kids be severed because of your ex. Know that as you help your daughter with all the drama of her mom, she may become a healthy example for the other kids. When those kids are older they may seek you out, once mom is no longer ruling things.

I always pose the question to my T about how I was able to turn out like I did given my FOO stuff. She talks about temperament, personality and she also says that some kids (even those who grew up in the same family) may often have healthy role models outside the family that help them learn more healthy behavior or ways to cope. I would bet that you may have been that person for your step kids and they will probably never forget that, even if they can't express it now.  

[Eco]

You'll keep her rom falling to the same fate by being the loving, involved, caring dad that you have been and continue to be. One thing it took me a while to accept, is that we can't shelter our kids from everything bad about our ex or from the world. What we can do that will help them now and when they are older is to guide them, teach them healthy ways to cope with the hard, crappy, uncomfortable stuff of BPD and unhealthy behavior

Thanks, im trying to accept that fact. its a hard one with my daughter, My ex is just like my dad (NPD) so I know first hand the damage that is done, the pain and anguish from the soul crushing treatment by these people. The positive thing I try to think of is that I can validate my daughter and help her cope and hopefully come out of this without to much damage done to her. I will know exactly how she feels because I experienced it so I think that will go along way.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have these relationships with your step kids be severed because of your ex. Know that as you help your daughter with all the drama of her mom, she may become a healthy example for the other kids. When those kids are older they may seek you out, once mom is no longer ruling things.

 

That's my hope, I would feel a lot better if the real dads were more involved and that they had someone in their corner.

My only advice is spend as much time with your daughter as you can and show her what a drama free family life is like.

Thanks, that's my goal