I Feel Guilty Posting Here

[DrA]

Does anyone else feel like they are betraying their spouse by posting on here.  Gosh, I feel like when I talk about some of my wife's negative behaviors it is like talking about her behind her back.  I knownit is anonymous so no one will ever know who she is and thus can't think negatively of her.  But it does somehow still feel wrong. 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

I have had those feelings at times.

How is posting here different than talking to a therapist?

I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather vent, blow off steam, and look for advice here so that when I try to communicate with my spouse, I can be better at it. Part of what got me into the place that I am in is the fact that I refused to tell people that things weren't great between us. How is sharing your feelings about things betrayal?

I have wrestled with that question. If I can't talk about stuff on an anonymous forum or with a therapist, then who can I talk to about this stuff? I would much rather post here than talk to our friends in real life. I have talked to some of our friends and that doesn't feel right because it makes me feel like I am putting them in a bad position.

[Ceruleanblue]

I've felt that way at times, but this is so anonymous, and such a great place for ME, that I decided to just allow myself to not feel that way. I mean, I've done therapy, and am all for it, but I actually find more help here. I get advice from people in the trenches, so to speak.

My BPDh is highly narcissistic too, and much of our lives revolves around him, so I refuse to feel guilty or bad about a place I come to cope, and make our relationship, and me healthier. He can only work on himself, and I can only work on me, and this is where I get the bulk of my advice, so I'm long past feeling bad about that now. My BPDh actually knows I go on this blog, and I'm sure he probably doesn't like it, same way he didn't like a similar site I'd blog on dealing with all our step family issues(also totally anonymous), but too bad. I wouldn't be here if there weren't such issues. He should be thankful I'm on the "staying" board, the same way I'm thankful that we worked things out, and are in a better place.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I've felt that way at times, but this is so anonymous, and such a great place for ME, that I decided to just allow myself to not feel that way. I mean, I've done therapy, and am all for it, but I actually find more help here. I get advice from people in the trenches, so to speak.

It not guilt for me, and certainly not anonymous (that being if someone said read this guy's posts she'd figure out it was me... .)  It's more anxiousness what I'd have to go through if she ever found this site... .

[Tomzxz]

Frankly, I wish our SO's would read what we write here.  Perhaps they might see how much they mean to us and how much we are or were willing to accept about them just to be a part of their lives.   

[Stalwart]

Good question Dr.

I knew I’d remain using the site once I found it so I was open about it as being a learning tool. She knows my passwords into everything so there wouldn’t be a difficulty getting on my computer and entering the site.

I am almost always honest and open and weigh my decision by that before I make them. For her to find out later and wasn’t aware would draw more suspicion and only worsen an improving dynamic between us. So I remain pretty much open and honest with the things I do. I hope for the same in her actions as a result. When she asks me about telling her things I just say it’s out of respect so she doesn’t have to worry, nothing to hide in my life means there’s nothing to hold secret and worry about. Slowly she’s followed  suit over the past couple of years and now proclaims the need for openness to others. Go figure eh? I try not to smile when I hear it, but it’s great to see and here.

There are times I talk about past problems that aren’t pleasant but absolutely the truth that existed at the time. Apart from that I do try to post with as much respect as I can about my wife, understanding her actions and reactions to things are the result of an alternate reality of thinking from my own. I’m a real believer in trying to relate to things not as being “rights or wrongs”, but only differences to manage solutions for; that work for both of are realities and ways of thinking. More often than not, I compliment her accomplishments. Not in case she reads it but hey, it’s nice to recognize the good when there can be so much challenging to just focus on.

I don’t know if she has ever gone into check out my posts because she’s never mentioned it. I really don’t believe she’d be overly upset at my personal posts or responses but I do know if she dug into some others it might upset her.

The only time I run in questioning because we both watch TV and do our computer work in the same living room on the same couch is she’ll ask me if in the BPD site again. Problem is I spend more time in sites of people with BPD posting than I do here looking for answers and perceptions of others. When she asks I generally call it an early night for one clear reason.

She doesn’t want to have to live every moment of her life immersed with her illness as the key issue to her life. She does therapy and I’m certain questions the turmoil of ever thing in her daily life reasoning as to whether it’s normal or it’s a result of BPD. I can appreciate that and so I respect it and her ability to deal with that. Sometimes she asks me those questions when she’s considering a situation she’s in and most times I can honestly validate not only her emotions towards and issue but that she’s seeing it very clearly from the view that anyone would, given the situation.

No – I don’t feel guilty but I do consider how it applies to my relationship, my morality and guidelines and try to use it wisely.

On the other hand it’s a great place to get things off your chest or just rant in the times you need to do that to.