Focusing on the BPD seems to really hurt the relationship

[Processing]

I seem to go through these cycles.  I would say 90% of the time I am 80% happy about my relationship. Meaning, most of the time, I am not blind and know there is room for improvement, but generally I am thinking about other things and so don't have time to get caught up in what is good or bad about our relationship (I worry this is dangerously close to the avoidant marriage). 

However, I do find that 100% of the time when I begin to really focus on the cons of my wife (her BPD symptoms, her tendency to isolate, her lack of affection) and our relationship, I get pretty depressed, anxious, and resentful. I know when I am focusing on the diagnosis and really getting into the experience of a spouse trying to live with a BPD partner, every negative trait tends to get blamed on my wife's BPD, and I begin to think how unfair that is to me to have to have such a one sided relationship.  However, once I get out of the funk, and begin trying to not think about our negatives, I go back to being fairly ok with life. 

So is it better to just ignore the bad (as long as it is not causing emotional or physical abuse) and think about other things?  I don't know that it is really possible to discuss issues in a relationship with someone who really has BPD.  Thus, focusing on the good things in life seems to be the better coarse.  Ideally, as a couple we would simply talk about issues and try to find ways to resolve them.  But I have found that these discussions either end in heartache and blow -ups, or relationship commitments are made, only to be forgotten in the not too distant future because people go back to being their selves.  Again, I am left wondering if with a BPD if just focusing on the positive is a better course of action?     

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[vortex of confusion]

Again, I am left wondering if with a BPD if just focusing on the positive is a better course of action?     

I think it is a mix.

I think the best place to start is with identifying YOUR values. Doing that will help set better boundaries to protect yourself. I keep my eyes open for negatives that my violate my boundaries so that I can protect myself from abusive behaviors. I try to identify which negative behaviors are annoying and immature so I can ignore them or not take them personally. And I try to identify which behaviors are deal breakers or need me to implement some kind of boundary.

While doing all of that, I try to stay focused on the positive because the positive is what I can used to gain strength when I am in those down periods and am feeling resentful or hurt. Keeping the positive in the forefront is very helpful. If there are no positives, then what is the point of staying in the relationship?

[Cat Familiar]

This is a really interesting question that you've posed. I became aware that my second husband fit the criteria for BPD just a few months ago. The first was without a doubt BPD and co-morbid with other personality disorders.

But #2 is functional for the most part, other than very self-absorbed with a tremendous sense of persecution by others and the world in general.

After being in this relationship a number of years I was beginning to get very resentful and withdrawn. We had done some relationship counseling for over a year (on my initiative) and it hadn't accomplished much, other than improving communication slightly.

I know exactly how frustrating it is about trying to bring up issues and resolve them. So I quit trying and became more resentful with time.

Last fall, I decided to do individual counseling with the psychologist who did our marriage counseling. Really what my motivation was for starting therapy was to get some strategies for dealing with my husband. Thankfully my therapist understood completely and told me that he had a personality disorder and has been giving me great advice along with this site, which has been invaluable.

At this point, I'm past most of my anger and resentment, but I still have a lingering disappointment that my relationship is not what I had hoped it would be: I can't truly be myself and express desire for change in how he and I interact--it's interpreted as criticism or an attack.

So I fortunately have close friends with whom I can share some of this, but it's not the same as being able to share it with a partner.

I don't know if this answers your question, but sometimes I have to look at him through the lens of BPD rather than seeing him as my husband and that certainly creates a distance that I wish didn't need to be there. If I didn't, I'd risk a blowup or him emotionally withdrawing from me with anger. So either option is not a good choice.

[an0ught]

Hi and welcome Processing,

you got a point. Most people on this board I hope would agree that there are positive sides to their partners.

It is normal that there is a big relief with some sort of formal or best guess by member diagnosis. Your life over the past years has become increasingly bizarre an having a name to put on it and knowing you are not alone is helpful. You find much on that in LESSON 1. But it won't change much and focusing on diagnosis and labels won't change a thing for the better.

The following LESSONS for that reason focus on changing our behavior as that has immediate impact. It starts in LESSON 2 among other things with radical acceptance. Which is in some sense what you are saying - wife likely had BPD, that fact I acknowledge - let's "think about other things?". It then continues with skills.

Now when it comes to "think positive" we got to be very, very careful. There is a lot of negative in our relationship and more often than not the worlds grey is perceived as pitch black by our partner with BPD. Think positive - if it works for you - is fine. Think positive messages in moments where our partner is thinking black are invalidating and are increasing emotional regulation problems in the shore and long run. BPD is a condition very strongly related to invalidation and we have to be super careful that our positive thinking and intentions are not doing damage. Learning to not send positive vibes in the wrong moments is one of the easiest things to learn that has a real impact - we stop making it worse. Validating negative thinking and negative emotions is then helping our partner to calm and us to understand them better.

We are also receiving a lot of negative messages at times. Think positive is not enough - we are stonewalling the sender and more mud gets hurled into our direction. When the mud rains it is hard to ignore and our brain is torn apart with attention spent on ignoring the negative (and do what with it?) and maintaining positive thinking. What works is validating the negative and thus reflecting it away from us - yeah it is black but it is also not us. Think positive but spell out the negative that comes our way.

[waverider]

Over obsessing about the disorder and looking in every corner for traits is a common problem. It occurs shortly after that light bulb moment. The Disorder then seems to take over your life and that enlightenment then becomes an even more fearful jail. There than can be an over tendency to block and run from this to attempt to gain a slice of normality back.

The more you work through this the more you reach a better level of acceptance where you become more accepting of your part and abilty to influence things around you. This allows you to be mindful of it, but not overwhelmed. Staying centered and sense f balance in your mind starts to replace fight or flight reaction.

Hang in there in takes time, it is an evolution rather than a switch point