How to detach without triggering abandonment fears?

[Hmcbart]

How do you detach from some of the emotional instability without triggering abandonment fears? Not just in a person with BPD but also within yourself?

This is obviously something that I'm not good at. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check and stay loving to my wife but I find myself being more withdrawn. How have you stayed loving and supportive while removing yourself emotionally?

I almost feel like I'm checking out mentally. Like I'm not trying or don't care about what she says or does. Is it normal to feel this way?

I have also read the lessons about extinction bursts and wonder if some of her actions fall under this cattagory.

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[Oooohm]

I had an epiphany when I read a child rearing book back in 2006.

When your child screams at you "I HATE YOU !".  Do you love them any less?

Do you tell them you hate them? Do you get depressed, upset, angry?

Do you honestly believe your child actually "hates you"?

Or do you Validate... .  give them some space... .  show them their behavior doesn't affect you AND is not appreciated... .  show them you love them anyway... .

It's tough when its your ADULT partner your dealing with rather than your child !

But the mind set is very similar.

Any way... .  it helped me shift my reactions and soothed my emotional feelings thinking of it that way.

[downintx]

When your child screams at you "I HATE YOU !".  Do you love them any less?

Do you tell them you hate them? Do you get depressed, upset, angry?

Do you honestly believe your child actually "hates you"?

Or do you Validate... .  give them some space... .  show them their behavior doesn't affect you AND is not appreciated... .  show them you love them anyway... .

Wow, never thought of it that way. What a great way of thinking about it. I will certainly use that way of thinking about it, and implement it where I can... .thanks!

[vortex of confusion]

How do you detach from some of the emotional instability without triggering abandonment fears? Not just in a person with BPD but also within yourself?

This is obviously something that I'm not good at. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check and stay loving to my wife but I find myself being more withdrawn. How have you stayed loving and supportive while removing yourself emotionally?

I almost feel like I'm checking out mentally. Like I'm not trying or don't care about what she says or does. Is it normal to feel this way?

I have also read the lessons about extinction bursts and wonder if some of her actions fall under this cattagory.

You are not alone. I have had some of these same questions many, many times over the years.

This post reminded me of an article that I read a long time ago. I periodically re-read it. The title is "Want to love more? Care less" www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/06/22/family.love.o/

Lots of good stuff that I completely forget about when dealing with my spouse.

Here is an interesting tidbit:

You may think that in such situations not getting upset would be unloving. But consider: If you were physically injured, bleeding out, would you rather be with someone who screamed and swooned, or someone who stayed calm enough to improvise a tourniquet?

Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping -- and able to emotionally detach.

I need to do a better job of remember that!

[maxsterling]

The stark reality here is, there WILL be abandonment fears triggered, and the pwBPD WILL react.  Your role is to see it for what it is, and not react yourself. 

[Jessica84]

I had an epiphany when I read a child rearing book back in 2006.

When your child screams at you "I HATE YOU !".  Do you love them any less?

Do you tell them you hate them? Do you get depressed, upset, angry?

Do you honestly believe your child actually "hates you"?

Or do you Validate... .  give them some space... .  show them their behavior doesn't affect you AND is not appreciated... .  show them you love them anyway... .

It's tough when its your ADULT partner your dealing with rather than your child !

But the mind set is very similar.

Any way... .  it helped me shift my reactions and soothed my emotional feelings thinking of it that way.

This is exactly what I started doing - seeing my BPDbf as a child. Not all the time, but during his fits and outbursts. It's almost "cute" to me now. Almost. 

[Oooohm]

VOC,


Great Article !  Thx !


(Someday I'll figure out how to use the "quote" feature)

[Hmcbart]

When I start detaching I hide my emotions. It's mostly a protective stance when the hate lasts more than a few weeks (currently since April 6). I pull my head into my shell to try and weather the storm. I get very cold towards her and don't really offer much in the way of conversation.

She knows this and turns it around to say that she's acting this way towards me because I'm acting that way. Basically it's tit for tat. I don't want to be cold towards her but at the risk of getting hurt, I'm not going to drop my guard until I know it's safe.

It's this detaching that I'm struggling with. Guarding myself while still be loving. I don't know how to do it anymore. I am not sure if I just don't care or if I'm just too afraid to drop my guard anymore. When I do my emotions come out and then abandonment fears jump.

[Oooohm]

I understand what you are going thru.

For years I couldn't separate my wife from my wife's symptoms and actions.

What helped me was to "Compartmentalize" who my wife is as a person from "How she deals with the world"... .

Even when I managed to do that it took me some time to ... .I hate to say this... . Re-fall in love with her... .?

It helps that she is high functioning and deep in her core a truly caring person.

1. Focus on your wife's positives

2. "Fake it till you make it"  Meaning: you will get "positive" feedback from a simple smile, caring touch, chuckle at her joke... .even tho you may not feel it, the improvement that results in your R/S will remind you why you fell in love with her in the first place.  Let her show you the good side of who she is by not sending her negative signals. Trust me... .it works. (You will find over time you are no longer "faking" it)

3. Stop letting the disorder bother you (I mean disorder=chaos not disorder=mental illness) Control yourself, all the rest is her junk and you should not "let it in".

4. Reflect on, and try to let go of, your own "Holding on to RESENTMENT". Resentment, "feelings of being duped", anger, and feelings of hopelessness will make it impossible to operate within your R/S. (She WILL sense it) It's not easy but it is possible.  Focus on the positives... .ignore the negatives.

Hope that helps.

[Oooohm]

Hmcbart

Just read your posts to VOC. "How hard to Push... ."

Sounds like you have a very clear picture of what your up against.  Good Luck.   

[Hmcbart]

Clear picture is one thing, handling it is all together a different beast. I find myself wavering back and forth on things almost daily. It's difficult to think clearly when you've been painted black for 2 months with no end in sight.