Really biting my tongue

[sadeyes]

Really biting my tongue after last nights blow up.

Learned of him sharing something highly personal mostly related to me (but a teeny bit him) with a friend last night. I won't go into the topic, but it is not really something I want shared with his friend if I am going to spend time with this person socially.

I didn't handle it well at all, and he came verbally swinging. Basically putting me down in any way that I am already the least bit self conscious about both physically and personality wise. Anything I have ever let him in on that bothered me at all, he assured me that those things are all wrong with me.

My self esteem is in the total toilet. I have been put down  sexually, physically, emotionally. How have I let him have so many weapons. How have I let him have so much power. I have been unable to sleep for about 36 hours now, and I NEVER have trouble sleeping.

We have tickets to a very expensive outside our budget event tonight, and I don't even want to go. He really wanted these tix, and we agreed a while back to get them. I have been avoiding him by doing other stuff today, but when we have been in the same room, he has continued with the horrible venom. He has switched to even more hateful behaviors & trying to be extremely controlling, which I am doing my best to avoid.

I am very up in the air about going. First, I hate to waste the ticket, but I am also totally nervous about going. I will not go and be emotionally battered all night.

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[Oooohm]

Can you act natural but Detach from him emotionally for the evening... .to enjoy the show?

Kinda... .put him in a closed box in your mind for a while. If he acts up... .  think of him as a chimp in a zoo... .

" Oh isn't that cute... .he's playing in, and eating his own fesses. "

Post tomorrow how it went.

[Fian]

Normally, I am on the other side of the coin (I share things that my wife wishes that I didn't).  He is aggressively trying to convince you that what he did was correct, which is only making things worse.

My recommendation is to deescalate the issue for now.  Tell him that you are too upset to talk about it right now, and would prefer to talk about it after the event and you have had time to sleep.  As for going, unless you think he would accept bringing someone else in your place, it is probably better if you go.  If you don't go, you will be giving up the moral high ground in this argument, and he will blame you for not going, and will be unwilling to talk about his offense to you.  But if you do go, then you have a chance to talk about his behavior.

When you are ready to talk (and lack of sleep isn't ready), pick a time where you can be calm.  If you aren't calm, BPD won't be calm either.  To control the conversation you first need to be able to control yourself.  If the BPD still can't remain calm, then I think what is normally recommended is to end the conversation (walk out of the room/house if you have to, saying you can discuss later when they have calmed down).  Try again when the BPD has calmed down.

[vortex of confusion]

Learned of him sharing something highly personal mostly related to me (but a teeny bit him) with a friend last night. I won't go into the topic, but it is not really something I want shared with his friend if I am going to spend time with this person socially.

Why didn't you want it shared? Why would you feel awkward around this person in the future?

Did you specifically tell your husband that you didn't want this information shared? Or, did you assume that any normal person would understand NOT to share that kind of information? It took me a long time to figure out that my husband is captain clueless about some things. I assume that any normal person would understand this kind of thing. Well, he isn't a normal person when it comes to understanding some of this stuff.

I completely understand you being mad. My husband does stuff quite a bit and his defense is usually, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

I didn't handle it well at all, and he came verbally swinging. Basically putting me down in any way that I am already the least bit self conscious about both physically and personality wise. Anything I have ever let him in on that bothered me at all, he assured me that those things are all wrong with me.

That is abusive. Period. Have you tried to walk away and institute some kind of boundary when he does this?

I am very up in the air about going. First, I hate to waste the ticket, but I am also totally nervous about going. I will not go and be emotionally battered all night.

If there is a chance that your safety will be compromised by going, then don't go. Don't subject yourself to abuse. Don't worry about how he perceives you going or not. Worry about YOUR safety.

[sadeyes]

Well the night went really well & was a lot of fun. Everything is "back to normal" now & will continue to be as long as I don't bring anything back up.

As far as the topic, I really wouldn't have an issue with him sharing in an anonymous since but I think anyone would find the conversation he had with his friend not something to share with a friend that you interact socially with.

My boundries are weak & my skills are lacking in that department. Really not only with him, but in general. I tend to be of the keep the peace kind of mentality, and its not good for me. He is unable or unwilling to accept any sort of responsibility for things in general. Not just with me, but he is lacking in the ability to determine what is appropriate and what is not. He has lost multiple friendships over it.

There will really probably never be a productive conversation regarding this (and really a few other topics). I think ultimately I may have to end up deciding I can deal or I can't.

I also have to figure out how to handle the issue with his friend. Part of me wants to say that I just don't want to interact with this guy socially any more,  and whatever plans/relationship they have is outside of me.  Then I feel like what he shares or doesn't is much less my business. That will not easily be done.

[sadeyes]

Also, in terms of safety, I am not concerned.  I made a habit a long time ago to never put myself in a position to not be able to literally walk away. Get out of the car, get a taxi, call someone to pick me up whatever. I don't go anywhere without enough cash to get a taxi, public transport, close budget hotel whatever.

Have not needed it, but won't allow myself to mot have that option should I need to exercise it. (Both with him & a member of my FOO that is bipolar)