Heinous b/u and now we are friends.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here is the skinny on the b/u 11 mos ago:



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He broke up with me a week ago because " I haven't shown I love him enough. "

This after giving up my friends , family plans and jumping through flaming hoops , walking on eggshells, enduring tantrums over nothing out of nowhere, mind games... .The whole gamut that is BPD.

All the books I've read over the last year and the tools I've used have been marginally effective.

We met up 5 days ago so he could return some things , and he said " I don't love you, I don't respect you, you deserve to be spit on, but I can't bring myself to hurt you that much. "

( I have a HUGE aversion to spitting)

This rage was because he wanted me to "fight for him" and I went to a concert a few days ago with my brother that I've had tickets to for 4 months.

He also said " Why don't you go f*** your brother since he's obviously more important then me. "

Now he's spent the last 5 days telling me I should have known he was just lashing out and wanted me to feel his pain, and if I " prove myself and show him something big" then we can still work it out. That it was just words and I'm being too sensitive.

I told him yesterday that I need balance in my life and that he , my family and my friends are part of that balance and I hope he can accept that this is what I consider a healthy relationship and I am not willing to have less ( I am 52 and life is short, dammit!)

This enraged him to the point where he said he's deleting all my contact info, that I am to go away and leave him alone, that I've never done anything for him and that he will have no fond memories of me. Then he threatened to call the police if I ever contact him again. 

This story is similar to many  others on this board, which has saved my life and allowed me to realize that I am no longer willing to fight a battle that has no chance of even ending in a truce.

It hurts so much that he will not remember anything good.

I will remember enough good to know that love is still possible in my future, and enough bad to know that I have to fight for myself.

Thank you for listening. "

-----------------------------------------


After several month of N/C, he reached out and was nice , admitted that he just dragged me down and I'm better off "living" my life.

We have met for a few casual dinners and chit -chatted like old friends, nothing serious. We've done favors for each other, like we would do for friends .

Lately he's been telling me how sexually frustrated he is, that he's looking for a fwb, trolling various dating sites, none of which has panned out.

He has not asked me fior anything sexual or even flirted, but knowing how BPDs work, I can't help but wonder if it's a matter of time, and what he could possible be wanting out of this friendship.

I've also asked myself what my motive is , and I can admit that it is selfish in that I'm still looking for validation that I'm not the horrible evil person he said I was.

Wish I knew why I need this validation from him .

Better late than never perhaps?

Any feedback, particularly from anyone who has been able to salvage a friendship from the ashes, would be appreciated.

Thank you all!

[forget-me-not]

Here is the skinny on the b/u 11 mos ago:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He broke up with me a week ago because " I haven't shown I love him enough. "

This after giving up my friends , family plans and jumping through flaming hoops , walking on eggshells, enduring tantrums over nothing out of nowhere, mind games... .The whole gamut that is BPD.

All the books I've read over the last year and the tools I've used have been marginally effective.

We met up 5 days ago so he could return some things , and he said " I don't love you, I don't respect you, you deserve to be spit on, but I can't bring myself to hurt you that much. "

( I have a HUGE aversion to spitting)

This rage was because he wanted me to "fight for him" and I went to a concert a few days ago with my brother that I've had tickets to for 4 months.

He also said " Why don't you go f*** your brother since he's obviously more important then me. "

Now he's spent the last 5 days telling me I should have known he was just lashing out and wanted me to feel his pain, and if I " prove myself and show him something big" then we can still work it out. That it was just words and I'm being too sensitive.

I told him yesterday that I need balance in my life and that he , my family and my friends are part of that balance and I hope he can accept that this is what I consider a healthy relationship and I am not willing to have less ( I am 52 and life is short, dammit!)

This enraged him to the point where he said he's deleting all my contact info, that I am to go away and leave him alone, that I've never done anything for him and that he will have no fond memories of me. Then he threatened to call the police if I ever contact him again. 

This story is similar to many  others on this board, which has saved my life and allowed me to realize that I am no longer willing to fight a battle that has no chance of even ending in a truce.

It hurts so much that he will not remember anything good.

I will remember enough good to know that love is still possible in my future, and enough bad to know that I have to fight for myself.

Thank you for listening. "

-----------------------------------------


After several month of N/C, he reached out and was nice , admitted that he just dragged me down and I'm better off "living" my life.

We have met for a few casual dinners and chit -chatted like old friends, nothing serious. We've done favors for each other, like we would do for friends .

Lately he's been telling me how sexually frustrated he is, that he's looking for a fwb, trolling various dating sites, none of which has panned out.

He has not asked me fior anything sexual or even flirted, but knowing how BPDs work, I can't help but wonder if it's a matter of time, and what he could possible be wanting out of this friendship.

I've also asked myself what my motive is , and I can admit that it is selfish in that I'm still looking for validation that I'm not the horrible evil person he said I was.

Wish I knew why I need this validation from him .

Better late than never perhaps?

Any feedback, particularly from anyone who has been able to salvage a friendship from the ashes, would be appreciated.

Thank you all!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey forget-me-not,  thanks for your past.   I think your question abt why you want validation from him is a good one.

Additionally,  I have no crystal ball with which to advise you on your life and your ability to execute a friendship with him,  but... .I can at least share what came up for me as I read your post.   I became viscerally aware that I can NEVER try to be friends with my ex.   He was so relentless when we were together that opening the door to friendship will open the door to who-knows-what.   Part of me has fantasized abt some kind of friendship, but his life is filled with chaos,  neediness and rage.   Inviting him to be my friend invites all of that back into my life.   

I wish you luck.   Thank you for giving ME a strong knowing that friendship is also completely off the table for me.   I hope you will be very careful.   I fear you are seeking validation from someone who is like a poisonous snake.   At some point, it  is likely to strike.

[Perdita]

This after giving up my friends , family plans and jumping through flaming hoops , walking on eggshells, enduring tantrums over nothing out of nowhere, mind games... .The whole gamut that is BPD.

I can totally relate as can everyone here, I'm sure.  Especially the tantrums.  You need to be aware that these negative traits most likely haven't left him.  Has he even mentioned going for intense therapy since the breakup? 

After several month of N/C, he reached out and was nice , admitted that he just dragged me down and I'm better off "living" my life.

Mine use to tell me all the time that I can do better and deserve better.  I look back and I see this as him pretending to be noble while actually continuing to be an as$.

We have met for a few casual dinners and chit -chatted like old friends, nothing serious. We've done favors for each other, like we would do for friends.

there is nothing wrong with doing favours for a friend, but one has to be careful with a returning BP ex.  I feel these favours are more a test than anything else on his part to see how open you still are to doing things for him.  Even though he has done favours for you as well, this can all be his way of luring you back in.  I'd be cautious. 

Lately he's been telling me how sexually frustrated he is, that he's looking for a fwb, trolling various dating sites, none of which has panned out.

Bingo!  Here we go.        Why is he telling you about his sexual frustrations?  You are no longer his gf.  Why isn't he complaining about his frustrations to the guys instead?  Why you?  Be very careful.  He might be trolling for a booty call girl and hoping you will be that girl.  Or a 'friend with benefits'.

He has not asked me fior anything sexual or even flirted, but knowing how BPDs work, I can't help but wonder if it's a matter of time, and what he could possible be wanting out of this friendship.

Time will tell.  If I were you I would not go back to his place with him or invite him to yours.  Get clarity on what it is he wants out of this "friendship" with you.  My ex always use to talk about our "friendship" even though we were 100% in a relationship!  One thing I've learned from these boards is that this is not at all uncommon for the BP male.  Make sure you know what his definition of "friendship" is.

I've also asked myself what my motive is , and I can admit that it is selfish in that I'm still looking for validation that I'm not the horrible evil person he said I was.

I think it is normal to want that validation, but not healthy.  What concerns me more is that you feel selfish for wanting it.  Don't allow yourself to go back to that place where you feel bad for wanting to put your own needs ahead of his, because that is where this could be leading to over time. 

Wish I knew why I need this validation from him . Better late than never perhaps?

You want the validation for the same reason everyone wants it and not just from BPD people.  When someone has caused us a lot of pain we naturally hope that one day they will realize how much hurt they've caused us.

[Trog]

Not to make short of your problems but if anyone is offering bets on this, £100 on the attempted recycle with a £50 accumulator on anger from the BPD at a rejection?

In the end, what he is up to isn't really interested, BPD do what BPD do, the question is, what will you do? For sure if he's lonely and telling you he is frustrated he is testing the waters for a recycle.

I don't envy you. Every day my ex doesn't contact me I am thankful I am not tested. It's so hard not to look for that validation  - seems you're still a little invested?

[grayarea]

I totally understand how you feel - that you'd like to give friendship a shot and also that you are seeking validation from him, but these are very slippery slopes so I'd say be really careful and take some to think about why you would even want to be friends with someone who treated you so terribly.  My experience is that friendship doesn't work with them either.  It's still a one-sided, very manipulative relationship where they basically still continue to fulfill their needs only.  Friendship is a two-way street just like any other relationship. I urge you to think long and hard about this.  As far as validation, that will likely never come from him.  I've been there many times and I finally had to ask myself why do I need the validation of a mentally ill person... .and what I realized is that I don't.  What I needed to do was work on my self-esteem so that I didn't need the validation of anyone - mentally ill or not.  And that is still a work in progress for me!

[eeks]

I've also asked myself what my motive is , and I can admit that it is selfish in that I'm still looking for validation that I'm not the horrible evil person he said I was.

Wish I knew why I need this validation from him .

Better late than never perhaps?

Any feedback, particularly from anyone who has been able to salvage a friendship from the ashes, would be appreciated.

I think I was looking for this validation too.  Plus I was at a pretty low point in my life, lonely, that's why I wanted to stay friends.  There was one recycle too, which happened before I found this website.

Neither worked out, and probably led to more hurt in the end.  I underestimated how even text msg contact with him distorted my perceptions of self and life, and did not realize that had happened until I went n/c, and one day I was pouring myself a glass of water and went "Hey!  My usual self is back!"  (note I didn't say "normal", I have some issues, anxiety disorder mainly, but uBPD ex's perceptions of himself, his life, me, my actions... .had caused me to question some of my own identity and motivations and think I was evil.  I'm not.)

My experience is that friendship doesn't work with them either.  It's still a one-sided, very manipulative relationship where they basically still continue to fulfill their needs only.  Friendship is a two-way street just like any other relationship.

You got it.  A "friend" doesn't freak out on you when your response to "what's new?" is that your ex is going to be in town (not with the intent of making him jealous, but to honestly answer the question), and then refuse to answer the question "are you interested in me?" or "are you jealous?"  (it was total double standard btw, I know he had had sex with someone else in the interim, but I was just telling him about something that not only hadn't happened yet, but I also didn't know what was going to happen.)

I don't think you're going to get the validation from him, unfortunately.  There's something about the idealization phase, then that rug being pulled out from under you during devaluation, that seems to have this effect on those of us who get into relationships with pwBPD.  A therapist, good friends, support groups, mentors... .the validation that you need is going to come from anywhere but your ex, in my opinion.

[forget-me-not]

Reclamining- 

thank you for sharing why you and your ex can never be friends. I was at this point once as well. In the end, I've decided that the rages were masking a horrible pain that I cannot heal, and as such I cannot take it personally nor hold a grudge.

Perdita-

regarding his going to therapy- not a chance. He thinks all psychiatrists are useless and don't know what the hell they're doing. ( his words)

That said , he's had occasional moments of clarity in which he admits there is something very wrong with him, and that he has dark thoughts that won't leave his head. Unfortunately this is not pervasive enough for him to want to seek help.

I'm aware of the red flag regarding TMI about his sexual frustrations. The reason he's not telling the guys is because he has NO friends.

I am working on myself to figure out why I still feel selfish about my needs. " it's not about you" is a phrase I heard frequently, when in fact , it was all about him.

Being free from this relationship and being around nons has given me plenty of validation , what normal exchanges between people should be.

Trog-

an attempted recycle has crossed my mind. There is no way I will allow it. The emotional investment just isn't there for me. It's like I'm on the outside looking in this time. We joke around and act like buddies. I am on guard , however, but still invested in the sense that I would like good things to happen for him.

Grey-

thank you for saying you're still a work in progress. I can totally relate! We'll see if and when this turns one - sided.

Eeks-

There have been no freakouts (yet) but there were so many in the past it will be impossible to not recognize even the slightest hint of one. I'm prepared to go NC if this friendship thing takes a turn in that direction.

Thank you all for the warnings, they have not gone unheeded!