Why is this so hard?

[WhatJustHappened?]

2 weeks plus post NC and this is much harder than I thought. It shouldn't be. Long distance relationship, dated for 3 months, saw each other in person for about 8 days. She lied to me, used me and manipulated me (with my permission of course).

But I guess being that we dated when we were young, old feelings and unresolved issues are bound to resurface.

She was always my weakness, my drug and she knew it. Before I realized she has BPD this time around, I told her again how much of a weakness she was to me. Boy, that was a mistake. Our physical relationship was intense. We fell in love again in record time, talked about a future together and how it was all meant to be. Still lies.

While I'm angry (at her and myself), I'm also hurt, disappointed and sad. Even at the end when I began to dread our phone calls because of "eggshell walking", I would still get agitated if we didn't have contact. That's not healthy.

And even now I feel unsettled and still think about her a lot. How can that be? It was all one big lie. I deserve better.

It shouldn't be this way and I don't understand it.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Oh, one more thing, is it bad that I miss her stalking me? (a little sarcasm with some truth)

[ReclaimingMyLife]

WJH,  I can so relate.   I am much further out than you are and the whole r/s is still so damn confounding.   How did I get in it?   How did I stay?   How did this happen to me... .an assertive,  confident,  non-people pleasing person?   How did I get  SO attached?  There was so much I didn't like abt him and yet,  like you,  I still wanted to talk to him so much.

He stalked too intensely for far too long.   F*cked up my whole family.   And as much as I wanted him to stop and as much as I felt so tormented and played with, PART of me  also didn't want him to stop. 

I so very much relate.   But the operative word in the above paragraph is PART.   Part of us wants to hang on,  keep on hoping,  believing the sick media lie that love looks like Stalking. It may be the LOUDEST part of us kicking and screaming it's way thru the b/u.   But we must remember loudest ≠ largest.   Or healthiest.   I just keep on giving that healthy part of me time to take root.   And it does.   I am WAY better  than I once was.   You will be too.   YOU CAN DO THIS.

[once removed]

hey whatjusthappened,

just wanted to comment specifically on "Oh, one more thing, is it bad that I miss her stalking me? (a little sarcasm with some truth)"

its not "bad". i think its natural. i was replaced. i was in the throes and wondering things like "is she even thinking about me?" i discovered her invading the email address attached to my facebook. i let it go for some time for a few reasons, first monitoring the behavior, then not wanting to screw up trying to get some of my stuff back. when i finally changed the password, i felt incredible, and new pain. on some level, even though i felt it was wrong, allowing her to access this email and seeing she was doing it kept me in a cycle of drama and carrying on the relationship. it also felt validating at the time. so i like to think i understand this feeling.

"2 weeks plus post NC and this is much harder than I thought."

on some level i expected those feelings that came after i changed my password. i could no longer confirm she was checking up on me. i still wasnt really prepared and i most certainly went backward a few steps or more. this is a process.

"dated for 3 months,"

dont let the number of months minimize your valid pain. theres no timeline of whats acceptable in terms of feeling real and valid pain. you were in a romantic relationship and became a trigger, experienced pain and confusion as a result, and what you went through is very real and traumatic.

"It shouldn't be this way and I don't understand it."

i dont think its going to help you to tell yourself it shouldnt be this way. it is this way and theres a valid reason for that. i told myself the same thing. even during the relationship i had some really negative opinions of my ex and her treatment of me; i didnt think i deserved it either, but that thought didnt help me at all, in fact i started to feel shame over it. accept your pain, realize its real and valid. thats a step in the process, and will help facilitate the rest of it