nt sure if I will ever understand some things.

[Hmcbart]

Sorry for the long post, just needed to try and get things out of my head.

Had a rough weekend. It started Friday in a disagreement about wife taking the kids to Texas for the month of July.

I planned to take the boys to see the new Jurassic world movie Saturday. I asked her if she wanted to come with us. For the first time in years she actually agree to come to the movies with us.

There were some adjustments that needed to be made on my part and the boys. She didn't like the way we ordered popcorn and wanted to share a large between us. I've never done this and never mind paying more fit my oldest to have his own, it's a treat. She didn't like it so we went with her idea. I had to explain to my son that it would be fine and its ok. I told him that mom doesn't know what we do when we are at the movies. He was fine after that.

After the movie, we got home and she retreated upstairs like she normally does. We stay down stairs and play games or watch tv. She usually doesn't associate with us much when we are all home.

Sunday I asked her why she takes her phone with her when she is in the shower or bathtub. I know it was probably an invasion of her privacy. I asked what she does on it all the time. She is almost never without her phone. She said she just reads things in Facebook. Later she went to the bathroom and let me know afterwards that she didn't take her phone with her. I knew then I shouldn't have asked about it.

I made tacos again Sunday evening and she was once again able to find something wrong with how I cooked them. I didn't say anything and just enjoyed dinner with my boys.

Later while doing dishes she asked if I was mad about something and I said no, and I wasn't. She asked if I had to keep banging the pans when I do the dishes, I was a smart azz and told her yes. This is all done from her yelling down stairs to me not actually walking down to talk to me. The pans tend to bang in the marble counters when I do dishes, I'm not a pro dish washer but I get the job done.

These little comments and remarks are usually what drive me nuts. I will usually get upset at her for them but I'm learning to ignore them. I just don't think I will ever understand why she dies this. I know it's a disorder and I need to stop trying to fix it. It's just difficult to deal with sometimes. She can act mad a me and be mean to me in private and then act like everything is great around anyone else. I can't get my brain to do this. If I'm upset or something is bothering me it shows in everything I say or do.

How do you pretend nothing is wrong when everything seems to be exploding in your r/s and in your head?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

Unfortunately, you can't pretend.  I had this problem for a long time.  I couldn't separate myself from her behavior because I couldn't get it through my head that it wasn't about me.  At times, it's still a struggle, like this morning.  However, now I have learned to deal with it much better and "choose" to let it go.  I realized I had a choice to pick it up or to not.  When I do pick it up, the anxiety and stuff creeps in and those feelings suck.  I realize what I'm feeling is what she is feeling and she tries to put it on me to relieve some of the pressure on herself. 

[Hmcbart]

How long before you stop feeling like everything is your fault? Even when I choose not to pick it up, I feel horrible later. There is so much I want to say but know that it will only make things worse.

Right now I feel like I'm the one with a PD and I'm projecting my faults and emotions on to her.

Is possible to be aware of something and know all about it and believe it's them and not you when in reality it is you? That's how I feel at this moment. Confused, sad, hurt.

[MaroonLiquid]

How long before you stop feeling like everything is your fault?

I can't answer that.  It depends on how enmeshed you are.

Even when I choose not to pick it up, I feel horrible later. There is so much I want to say but know that it will only make things worse.

It's because you are still deeply enmeshed and still looking to the pwBPD  to validate you.

Right now I feel like I'm the one with a PD and I'm projecting my faults and emotions on to her.

Is possible to be aware of something and know all about it and believe it's them and not you when in reality it is you? That's how I feel at this moment. Confused, sad, hurt.

When someone has a PD, they are amazing at making you feel like you are the problem.  You may have your own issues you need to deal with (and thats where you start to heal), but they do it so they don't have to look at themselves.

[vortex of confusion]

This is all done from her yelling down stairs to me not actually walking down to talk to me.

This might call for a boundary. I have stopped having conversations from across the room. If she is yelling from upstairs, ignore it. If she comes down, tell her that you couldn't hear her. Or, if you want, you can respond with, "I can't understand you clearly. If you want to talk to me, come down here and talk or wait for me to finish what I am doing and I will come to you." I will not have a conversation that requires raised voices.

If I'm upset or something is bothering me it shows in everything I say or do.

That's the way I am. I suck at hiding stuff. If we go out while mad at each other, I have a problem keeping it to myself. He will act like everything is great and I end up looking like a lunatic because he is being all nice and sweet and I am all mad and stuff. That hasn't happened in ages because we have stopped going out together without the kids.

How do you pretend nothing is wrong when everything seems to be exploding in your r/s and in your head?

There are a couple layers of this in my mind.

One is that I don't have to pretend that everything is okay. I can be mad and upset and confused or whatever it is that I am feeling.

Two, I don't have to share those feelings with my spouse. It is okay to say "I don't want to talk about it." My husband tends to be like you describe your wife. He can feel whatever it is that he is feeling and I don't badger him about it. When I am not acting "right", he will continually ask me if everything is okay. It is frustrating because I am NOT okay but I also don't want to talk to him about it. I have started telling him, "I am tired." or "I have a lot on my mind but I don't want to talk about it." Yesterday, I was in a quiet and contemplative mood. He spent most of his day on the computer playing games with a group of people. It wasn't a surprise. I was trying to sit with my feelings and NOT talk to him about it. I know that he isn't going to change. This is his pattern. Nothing good would have come from sharing those feelings with him. When he would occasionally come over to my side of the room, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Are you okay? What's wrong? You seem quiet." And so it went for most of the day. I felt like it alternated between him ignoring me and him badgering me about "What's wrong".

Three, I feel like there are a lot of things wrong with my r/s with my husband. Talking about a lot of it is futile. I don't want to talk about a lot of this stuff any more. I am not in denial and I am not trying to hide from things. When I talk to him too much about some of this stuff, I get confused. One minute, I will be mad at him and see things that seem pretty obvious. Then, I will bring it up with him and he will start in on how much better he is doing, blah, blah, blah and then I find myself wondering if I am imagining things. And then, it becomes more difficult to set boundaries because I start second guessing myself.

Four, it really helps me to keep a grip on things when I limit discussions about our relationship. I want my actions to do the talking. There is no need to tell him what I am doing. For example, I didn't discuss the fact that I don't want to have conversations with raised voices. I just started NOT doing it. Even if I were to tell him exactly what I want, there is a good chance that he is going to forget it anyway. What better way to get what I want than to deal with it in the moment as it comes up. This is still a work in progress and I have a long way to go. It is getting better.

[Hmcbart]

I feel like a heroin addict I'm so enmeshed. It's hard to remember what it felt like to be different.  The more I try to dig my self out, the worse I feel about it. I'm so screwed up right now it's not funny.

V- I actually do some of the same things your husband does. When she's giving me the silent treatment but I haven't caught on to the fact that I did something wrong, I Wollaston her multiple times what's wrong. I have gotten better about it. She told me once that she wasn't upset until I kept asking what was wrong.

As far as yelling up and down the stairs. She has had a sore hip for a while now and that's the excuse I would have gotten for her not coming down to talk to me. That's a guess of course. She usually doesn't get off the couch upstairs to come down. Rarely even for dinner but she has done it more lately. I think the boys like it better when she doesn't. There is no laughter at the dinner table when she's there. Everyone trying not to say anything wrong, chew too loudly, or God forbid we have chips, the crunching drives her nuts. I always invite her to come down but I secretly hope she has a headache (happens a lot) and declines.


Just got a call asking when I planned to tell her I was going to be out of town last night. I should have made up a lie but I told her the truth. I told her that the way she was acting towards me last night I was afraid to tell her. I told her that I was afraid she would say something mean or try to hurt my feelings and I didn't want to have to deal with it.

I go out of town usually 2-3 days each week for work.

[vortex of confusion]

V- I actually do some of the same things your husband does. When she's giving me the silent treatment but I haven't caught on to the fact that I did something wrong, I Wollaston her multiple times what's wrong. I have gotten better about it. She told me once that she wasn't upset until I kept asking what was wrong.

Have you thought about the possibility that you didn't do anything wrong? I know that there have been times when my husband has badgered me about "What is wrong" so much that I friggin' invented something. I know that sounds horrible but that was the only way to get him to shut up and leave me alone. My being quiet isn't me giving him the silent treatment and it isn't because there is anything wrong. Sometimes, I like quiet.

As far as yelling up and down the stairs. She has had a sore hip for a while now and that's the excuse I would have gotten for her not coming down to talk to me. That's a guess of course.

You could have gone up to see her. What I am getting at is that there are little things that you can do to change the way that you communicate. It takes time and effort. I know that when I started along this path, there were things that I didn't want to try or do because I was certain that I already knew the response that I would get. I defeated myself before I ever tried. I was so convinced that nothing would ever change that I kept the cycle going. Every now and then, I have to catch myself and try not to go back to that. 

Just got a call asking when I planned to tell her I was going to be out of town last night. I should have made up a lie but I told her the truth. I told her that the way she was acting towards me last night I was afraid to tell her. I told her that I was afraid she would say something mean or try to hurt my feelings and I didn't want to have to deal with it.

When trying to get a grip on some of these communication tools, less is more. Baby steps! Yes, you told her the truth. You could have told her the truth without so much detail. It is likely that the way you told her the truth was very invalidating and will likely continue the conflict. My husband and I have both been very careless with the truth. That is when it is really good to use S.E.T. You still tell the truth but you soften it a bit.

[Hmcbart]

I usually only ask when the silent treatment is happening. I guess as a way to get her to open up and get it out so we can discuss it and move on. And yes I know what the definition of insanity is... .I believe my picture is next to it in Websters dictionary.

By yelling I didn't mean it in an overly negative way, just speaking louder to be heard from upstairs. As far as me going upstairs to talk to her, ya I think that's how I've managed to not gain as much weight over the years. I'm always making that climb. It wouldn't have mattered if she wasn't feeling good or just up there watching tv, she rarely gets up and comes to me to talk. If I don't come up there she will text me. If I don't have my phone close by she will get mad later for not coming up and not responding to the text. I guess it's part of that dance.

As far as telling too much truth I am guilty of that one. I think the biggest trigger to her anger and emotions isn't and action or words so much as it's just me. I read somewhere in another post that at some point the non after exhausting all of their emotional and sometimes physical strength is finally the ultimate trigger. Like my very existence is a trigger to her.

I can't remember the last conversation we had that wasn't about transactional things. The bills, kids grades, cub scouts, it's all very unemotional. No intimate conversations at all. Never a how was your day from her but that's because I won't tell her, because she gets triggered if I had a bad day. I ask about hers and she just says fine. There doesn't seem to be any feelings left between us, or at least from her.

Last year I begged for a sex life and realized that wasn't going to happen. After I got over that I begged for some sort of affection, not involving sex. Turns out even if I give her examples she can't do it. We are in MC again but I'm not overly optimistic about that.

Add to it the whole idea of her going to Texas for a month or longer and then I realize what object consistency means. I dealt with it last year. She will call and talk to me for a day or two but then I'm forgotten.