sycamore12
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1
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« on: June 12, 2015, 01:26:38 PM » |
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I've been trying to figure out what was happening with my sister, and I finally came to realize she has BPD about a month ago. A friend dealing with an abusive pwBPD had mentioned a few times that my sister matches a lot of the symptoms, but I didn't want to hear it.
I'm currently 9 months into NC with my UBPD sister. I've been reading the forums and what confuses me is that my sister seems to be a lot more charming than other BPD people.
We immigrated to the US from a really stressful, violent area when we were young. My mother, who I do not think is BPD (?), had enmeshed relationships with my siblings and I, and often placed herself in the role of victim. The situation was exacerbated by the logistics of immigration, since my siblings and I adjusted to the new country way faster than my parents, and often had to explain things to them and help them with things that other children didn't have to worry about. There was emotional incest, and stresses of money were placed on us at very young ages. I often mediated fights between my mom and my dad, and my mom leveraged support from my siblings and I in order to manipulate my father.
In this context, my older sister was my closest ally, and it's because of this that NC is killing me. My sister had to figure out a lot of things by herself, and when she did she would tell me about them and help me. As a consequence, I imitated her in just about everything. We shared all the same favorite books, movies, colors, even tastes in boys. My sister raised me in many respects, even though she's only 5 years older than me. And when I was little, we had the most beautiful relationship since I did everything she said and she idealized me as the cutest, nicest little sister. Granted, she was very difficult, and had tumultuous fights with everyone in my family and controlled the family through in many ways, but I was always her special little sister, and she never fought with me.
That all began to change when I entered college. From my perspective, our relationship began deteriorating when she left for college when I was beginning high school. I noticed then that she never asked about me, she just assumed that we would talk about her and that nothing was happening in my life. I brushed it off as self-centeredness, but grew apart from her emotionally. Then when I went to college and became busy, sometimes missing her calls etc, she began to change toward me. Over the next few years, she would begin to punish me, she would interpret interactions in the craziest ways, she would tell me I don't love her, etc. I would cave, always accommodating her even though I felt she was in the wrong, for the sake of our relationship. She tried to interfere with my friendships, and to end my long and healthy relationship with my fiancee. She insisted he was abusive, and that only she could see it, and that I should trust her and leave him. He received the brunt of her anger and craziness, and bore it with a decent amount of grace, but she was beginning to strain the relationship in a way that made it hard for me to be around her. I would think everything was good because she'd be charming as hell when we were alone, but the moment I voiced a different opinion from her or talked about my life or especially my partner she would turn cold, often sending nasty emails revisiting minor details from an interaction weeks after it happened. I began getting migraines every time I saw an email, a text, or a call from her. At this point, she had tried her best to ruin my relationship and undermine my independence, and I began to understand that she could not or would not love me the way I deserved, because she needed me to be her perfect, obedient little sister with no life of my own for her to be happy with me.
In August this past year, I got engaged. She said some truly nasty things about it, made the entire thing about her and insisted I was using my engagement to hurt her, and subsequently refused to come to my wedding.
At this point, she is happily married to a husband who has replaced me in many ways-- he gives her constant, embarrassing validation (publicly and in ways not socially acceptable)-- and does everything she tells him to, including changing his opinions about things he likes, and cutting off contact with his own family and all his friends. But other than that, her life is a mess. She has periods of deep depression and manic behavior. She doesn't have a job, and even though she's super intelligent and charming, she has a lot of self doubts that are keeping her from achieving anything she set out to do.
I decided after my engagement to go NC. I realized that five or six years of taking her punishment and indulging her crazy interpretations -- everything from accusing my boyfriend of spitting in her cup when he asked whether a glass of water was his or hers to claiming that I wanted her relationship to fail-- had worn our relationship bare. I couldn't recognize her anymore, and I no longer felt she had any interest in my happiness. She tried to undermine me during finals times in graduate school, or when I had critical deadlines. I could no longer talk to her about anything that mattered or she would find a way to throw it in my face or inappropriately reveal it to my parents.
But that being said, I am grieving for the loss of what was the most loving, foundational childhood relationship I had. She was my mother in many ways. She was my best friend. She showered me with such praise that I built good self-esteem, and gave me so much direction as a child that I'm now wildly successful in my career. It feels like a massive betrayal not to talk to her, but I feel sick and sore when I do, and no longer feel we have a viable relationship. I'm cycling through the stages of grief, and my wedding planning is haunted by her absence.
If BPD is something she's not in control of, it feels like I'm abandoning her in her how of need.
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