Moving on from BPD who went NC

[coldmist]

I got involved with an uBPD which only lasted about 3 months. We didn't actually get into a relationship as it all went to hell when it got to that point. We never had sex either thankfully. She was my only co-worker each night as we worked for an office cleaning company. Our boss was her mother (who is also a full blown NPD).

She did the vulnerable needing rescued thing in the beginning and I got roped into it. I was taken in by her charisma. Everything was so fast and intense. She even manipulated me to move into the same apartment complex as her. Looking back now, there were so many red flags but I was blinded by the idealization. I also realize now I was the replacement for her ex of 2 years she was going to marry. She ended it with him and kicked him out after her and I had became friends because things had been going bad (her family was on her ass to not marry him). She was still hanging out with him though because she "wanted to stay friends".

I have generalized anxiety disorder and a fear of rejection which caused me to be very insecure. I got pissed and withdrew for a week after seeing her get kissed by her ex after they had spent all night and all of the next day together. I got over it but then she got pissed at me for how negative and "childish" I was to her. Despite forgiving me, her behavior got extremely erratic which culminated in a rage filled silent treatment at work for two nights after I had told her how much I cared about her and she meant to me. She calmed down after her mother talked to her and we stopped working together. She hugged me and said she still wanted to be friends making me think everything was going to be okay but soon after she hit me with NC by ignoring me.

Another co-worker who's a friend worked with her for a day so I got him to get info. She told him a bunch of crap of how negative and childish I was (I'm still the bad guy despite her forgiving me), that I need to socialize more (hypocritical as she has very few real friends), and that it was weird that I moved by her (she manipulated me to do it). She also kept bringing up our good times in their conversation though. That I don't understand why.

When she first went NC, if she was on her apartment balcony and I was outside she would run inside. After a couple weeks, instead she started coming out on her balcony and would peek around the corner watching me. I caught her stalking me like that quite a few times. On a couple occasions like when her sister was there, she leaned over the balcony edge and was full on staring at me but she never tried to initiate any real contact though. I just went about my business and didn't acknowledge it despite how painful it was because I didn't know how she would react if I tried to initiate contact again. She finally moved out of her apartment a few weeks ago without saying a word. I've seen her car in the area a couple times so she didn't move far but that's it.

Another oddity is right after she went NC, her Facebook page suddenly became a lot more active with her adding a lot of people and posting. She mainly posts happy pictures of herself with her siblings and mother. Giving the illusion that she's living this great exciting life but I know better. It says single and there's no sign of her ex or anything with another guy. We were never friends on there as she didn't really use it before this. I'm sure she stalks my page which is all public but I haven't posted anything in about a month.

My anxiety from the pain and uncertainty escalated enough that I started to see a therapist. Her mother fired me (over text message and refused to speak me on the phone, it's all about that control) over an hours dispute that involved her daughter so I have no connection to her family now. I'm still seeing my therapist and I'm treating my GAD and unhealthy behaviors. I know now how toxic that relationship was. It been 3 months since I last spoke to her but I still feel hurt by it all and I often find myself thinking about it even though I'm trying to move on.

[cosmonaut]

Hi coldmist,



I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup.  These are very intense relationships, no matter how long they lasted.  The bond formed is very loaded, and I think all of use know what that's like.  It is extremely painful to have that bond broken and it can be tremendously confusing too.  My breakup with my ex was a surreal experience and agonizingly painful.  So, I can understand.  It's very hard, and it will take some time to heal.  We're all here to support you, though.  Hang in there.  This will get easier as you go along in healing.

I can imagine that your GAD makes it very hard to deal with the withdrawing by your ex.  The withdrawing is, unfortunately, a common feature of the disorder.  It is a response to the trigger that is emotional intimacy.  Please know that this is not your fault.  It's not because you aren't good enough and it's not because of something you did.  It's just part of the disorder.  Fears of abandonment are also a core feature of the disorder and it is likely why your ex was so upset about not speaking to her.  I think most of us have done similar in frustration at some point.  So, please don't be hard on yourself about it.  These are very difficult relationships.

I think it's great that you are working with a therapist.  My own therapist (T) was hugely helpful to me in my own healing.  Very smart move!   

It's common that our ex will also split us as a way for them to deal with the overwhelming emotion that they are feeling when triggered.  This is likely what you are experiencing with your ex suddenly thinking that you are such an awful person and saying such hurtful and untrue, distorted things.  We often refer to this as being "painted black".  It is very hard to deal with and it truly hurts to have someone we care about turn on us like this.  Please remember that this is the disorder.  It is not you.  That's so important.

Hang in there, coldmist.  Things will get easier in time.  Posting here is a great way to get support from people who can understand what you are going through.  Keep working hard in therapy too.  Healing will come in time.  For now, be sure to take good care of you.  That's so important when we are this hurt.  Be gentle with you.  You deserve it!