more dilemma

[Cat Familiar]

You don't have to make an effort to choose your path. It will become obvious to you what you want to do at some point.

What has changed is that you no longer can naively hope that somehow your wife will somehow change to be the person that you've envisioned her to be. That hope is gone and undoubtedly that loss of hope is something to grieve.

She may change in the ways that you hope and seeking and finding a job is evidence that she is not as helpless as you have assumed, but you know now that you can't hold your breath waiting for her to be the woman you believed she could be.

It's a very sad and lonely place to confront seeing our BPD partners as they really are, not as what they could potentially be. Ultimately seeing the truth, as painful as it can be, is freeing and once seen, we can never go back to the unsupported optimism that we previously clung to. But that gives us choices and strategies for moving through the present and planning the future with our eyes wide open. Nonetheless, it's hard.     

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

You don't have to make an effort to choose your path. It will become obvious to you what you want to do at some point.

What has changed is that you no longer can naively hope that somehow your wife will somehow change to be the person that you've envisioned her to be. That hope is gone and undoubtedly that loss of hope is something to grieve.

She may change in the ways that you hope and seeking and finding a job is evidence that she is not as helpless as you have assumed, but you know now that you can't hold your breath waiting for her to be the woman you believed she could be.

It's a very sad and lonely place to confront seeing our BPD partners as they really are, not as what they could potentially be. Ultimately seeing the truth, as painful as it can be, is freeing and once seen, we can never go back to the unsupported optimism that we previously clung to. But that gives us choices and strategies for moving through the present and planning the future with our eyes wide open. Nonetheless, it's hard.     

Great post!  Couldn't have said it better myself.

[maxsterling]

You don't have to make an effort to choose your path. It will become obvious to you what you want to do at some point.

What has changed is that you no longer can naively hope that somehow your wife will somehow change to be the person that you've envisioned her to be. That hope is gone and undoubtedly that loss of hope is something to grieve.

She may change in the ways that you hope and seeking and finding a job is evidence that she is not as helpless as you have assumed, but you know now that you can't hold your breath waiting for her to be the woman you believed she could be.

It's a very sad and lonely place to confront seeing our BPD partners as they really are, not as what they could potentially be. Ultimately seeing the truth, as painful as it can be, is freeing and once seen, we can never go back to the unsupported optimism that we previously clung to. But that gives us choices and strategies for moving through the present and planning the future with our eyes wide open. Nonetheless, it's hard.     

Great post!  Couldn't have said it better myself.

Yes, very helpful.  This describes how I feel right now.  I've seen all the work my wife is doing/has done on herself.  I know now what I can do to help myself.   I know the reality of what is - at least in my brain (maybe hasn't sunk in emotionally yet).   It's a sad reality.  I've never had expectations of her being completely  "cured", and I have always known this r/s would be a challenge.  But something about the suicide attempt and the recent violence, and my brain and emotions flipped the other way. 

[Notwendy]

Max, keep feeling your feelings. Carve some time to be with yourself, to listen to the voice inside of you. Keep your support systems, your groups, other people to talk to. This is your grip on reality. Otherwise it is too easy to sink into the FOG.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, since I came back after our separation, I fight hard to not let his will and the FOG consume me. Frankly, giving in is somewhat easier, but that just perpetuates that that is all you'll ever get. By setting boundaries, it shows him that I realize I'm worth it, and that he can't just expect me to cave if he guilt trips me, or hounds me about something.

I agree that the less they can isolate us, the easier it is to resist, and keep our heads on straight.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Max... .your mind is ready, your heart is not.  You are mourning the death of a dream.  So, be kind to yourself.

Definitely no flowers.  Just, "Congratulations.  I am happy for you."  No more, no less.

God bless.