Polite but direct

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. Had anyone found any benefits to this approach. I am asking about only being direct at the right time, if you find the person is seemingly receptive at the time and in a calm mood.

I guess one in awhile me and my mom calmly talk about things. It doesn't happen too often. The last time we did I explained to her that I actually don't do things out of spite. I basically have to break things that should be common sense to her peice by peice.

For example the big her sister bought me coffee fight when I was in the hospital. My mom thought anyone trying to help me was trying to take her place and anyone not there was horrible. I had to explain to her i didnt realize how much it meant to her that she is the one who wanted to buy me coffee. When I said yes i didnt do it because I was trying to hurt her and I don't think aunty was trying to hurt you either. Aunty knew you had been out of work the weeks i was in the hospital and don't have alot of money . (she had so much debt before from impulse spending that she told me onCe bills were paid she had like $10 left for groceries... .partly because she was making big payments to try and get rid of her debt quickly. This was before taking a couple weeks off) she didn't do it to hurt you she was trying to support you.

My mom would reply aunty is still a b**** and whatever we are still horrible.

And this is my point

Mom is still calm... .regardless of her language, but as calm as she can be, i at least feel heard by her... which is a rare occasion so at this opportunity i say,

"I don't know if you realize this, but we all care about you. Did you ever think that when you scream at people and call them names it affects them?"

She replies, "well I don't think I should have to walk on eggshells to make people happy".

Apparently that is her reasoning so I add, "my point is when you do talk to people like that and than they say something back you get very hurt and upset. So you don't seem to feel like your words should effect them, but their words effect you "

I really don't remember what happened to the conversation after that, i think she started talking more about how she thinks people hurt her.

Is this level of reasoning possible with someone with BPD. It's it possible that she understood the simple way I broke it down? Could apbd person be receptive at all? I realize that this won't change the way she treats people, but I am just trying to understand my mom and how her mind works so I am not completely wasting my time.

I talked to her about this because I'm really tired of her saying how I treated her so horrible when I was in the hospital when this is only one of the many things she did. She was horrible to everyone and when the nurse said I was so close to dying that even stress could cause me to bleed out and if it happened internally, i could die and even externally I could die. So what does my mom do? Screams at me. I immediately get a nose bleed, kick her out, when she comes back and I am still bleeding, she screams at me again. I felt hurt that she put my life in jeopardy but I don't hold it against her. Once again only one thing she did to me when I was in that hospital. The whole time I was sticking up for her to everyone. "Cut her some slack. She is angry and horrible to deal with on a regular day, and she is faced with potentially losing me, so if course she is acting horrible."

I have always had my own way of dealing with my mom, but I joined this group so I can improve my skills in handling it. So a big part is learning about what leval as to how much she can process.

[Corpal74]

Hello. Had anyone found any benefits to this approach. I am asking about only being direct at the right time, if you find the person is seemingly receptive at the time and in a calm mood.

I guess one in awhile me and my mom calmly talk about things. It doesn't happen too often. The last time we did I explained to her that I actually don't do things out of spite. I basically have to break things that should be common sense to her peice by peice.

For example the big her sister bought me coffee fight when I was in the hospital. My mom thought anyone trying to help me was trying to take her place and anyone not there was horrible. I had to explain to her i didnt realize how much it meant to her that she is the one who wanted to buy me coffee. When I said yes i didnt do it because I was trying to hurt her and I don't think aunty was trying to hurt you either. Aunty knew you had been out of work the weeks i was in the hospital and don't have alot of money . (she had so much debt before from impulse spending that she told me onCe bills were paid she had like $10 left for groceries... .partly because she was making big payments to try and get rid of her debt quickly. This was before taking a couple weeks off) she didn't do it to hurt you she was trying to support you.

My mom would reply aunty is still a b**** and whatever we are still horrible.

And this is my point

Mom is still calm... .regardless of her language, but as calm as she can be, i at least feel heard by her... which is a rare occasion so at this opportunity i say,

"I don't know if you realize this, but we all care about you. Did you ever think that when you scream at people and call them names it affects them?"

She replies, "well I don't think I should have to walk on eggshells to make people happy".

Apparently that is her reasoning so I add, "my point is when you do talk to people like that and than they say something back you get very hurt and upset. So you don't seem to feel like your words should effect them, but their words effect you "

I really don't remember what happened to the conversation after that, i think she started talking more about how she thinks people hurt her.

Is this level of reasoning possible with someone with BPD. It's it possible that she understood the simple way I broke it down? Could apbd person be receptive at all? I realize that this won't change the way she treats people, but I am just trying to understand my mom and how her mind works so I am not completely wasting my time.

I talked to her about this because I'm really tired of her saying how I treated her so horrible when I was in the hospital when this is only one of the many things she did. She was horrible to everyone and when the nurse said I was so close to dying that even stress could cause me to bleed out and if it happened internally, i could die and even externally I could die. So what does my mom do? Screams at me. I immediately get a nose bleed, kick her out, when she comes back and I am still bleeding, she screams at me again. I felt hurt that she put my life in jeopardy but I don't hold it against her. Once again only one thing she did to me when I was in that hospital. The whole time I was sticking up for her to everyone. "Cut her some slack. She is angry and horrible to deal with on a regular day, and she is faced with potentially losing me, so if course she is acting horrible."

I have always had my own way of dealing with my mom, but I joined this group so I can improve my skills in handling it. So a big part is learning about what leval as to how much she can process.

[Turkish]

I once asked my Ex, "what is going through your mind when you are raging, angry and lashing out at people?" She replied, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

That sounds similar to what your mom said, in that "people hurt her" and when triggered, a pwBPD will lash out and direct that pain outwardly. If a person suffering from BPD often can't control their emotional responses, then how can we learn communicate better? I think many of us know that appeasing or withdrawing doesn't work (though it might seem wise in order to avoid being targets). That's invalidating (or abandonment).

While it may be fruitful to have conversations like this when a pwBPD is lucid, as it may plant seeds, we're dealing with people who when triggered are driven mostly be emotion.

[Corpal74]

Thank you. So do you feel like they might know better but are in so much pain that they are no longer capable to be reasonable?

[Corpal74]

I get the sense sometimes that she lies about the past abuse because she is too ashamed to say it or admit it to herself.

It is hard to tell though she seems so sure about her lies i dont know if she believes anything she is saying.

Also what alot of the family notices is she says stuff about us that she really is. So I know she projects. I'm just wondering if she is aware she is doing it.

[Turkish]

For an emotionally immature person (see here for more), "being reasonable" could be a rare occurrence. You may get something out of talking to her, and you may not. As my T said, "personalities typically don't change."

My mother once said that she "may have crossed the line into abuse" the time she was berating me so badly that I fell to the ground in a seizure (luckily, my head didn't hit a rock, and it was on a dirt road). My teen years were horrible.

Have you seen this discussion on splitting? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.