However, my feelings for them are very muted and with every interaction I am on guard. I feel very little warmth towards them... .even when they do something "nice." Because I am always waiting for something to happen and do not trust them at all. I hate feeling this way. In a way, I miss how I felt when I so wanted to fix and change things, because at least I felt something more, but it was really unhealthy for me and I was so distraught. Now, I feel empty, apathetic, numb and guilty for not having more warm feelings towards them. I fear wasting this time feeling this way, and one day they will no longer be alive and what kind of guilt am I going to feel then. At the end of the day, I do love them because they are my family. But my feelings are so muted and it is hard to feel positive, genuine affection for people that think so low of me and have no problem telling me what an awful person I am at the drop of a hat. I know some people on this board have had some very traumatic and terrible things happen in their childhood and I understand their reasons for going no contact or feeling nothing for a parent. I did not have a traumatic childhood... .and so I feel less entitled to feeling the way I feel. Does that make sense? Anyone else struggle with their own feelings towards a BPD family member?
I completely understand what you are saying; I could have wrote exactly the same thing about how I feel towards my uBPDm. I do not believe you should feel like you are not "entitled" to feel the way you do. Feelings just "are." I also do not believe I had a traumatic childhood, but there were a lot of things that weren't right or fair in how my mom treated my dad, my sisters, and me. Sometimes everything she does rubs me the wrong way and I cannot stand her, wishing she wasn't part of my life. When I have those thoughts and feelings, I feel like the worst person in the world and that it is unforgivable.
I honestly am struggling as you are to figure out how to resolve (not sure that is the right word) how I feel towards her. I live with her due to things that are out of my control, and there are days that I wish it were just me and my dad as my life would be so much more peaceful and stable.
Have you brought this up in therapy (not sure if you are still seeing a therapist, so I don't want to assume)?
I wish I had more advice for you. I think the way you are feeling shows that you are not guilty of doing anything wrong and that you do care, but sometimes caring doesn't automatically mean being affectionate or warm, if that makes sense.
