Still coming to terms with BPD

[BrokenBen]

I'm new here and just starting to learn about BPD. I've been married to my uBPDw for 12 years and we have 2 kids, ages 3 years and 9 months. I discovered "Stop Walking on Eggshells" last week at the bookstore and have been trying to come to grips with what BPD means for our relationship.

Even though it was obvious from the moment i picked up the book, i think I'm still in denial. If her mom and i could just convince her to go back into therapy, she'd go back to the way she used to be. I tell myself it can't be something as difficult to beat as BPD, something i hadn't heard of until a week ago. And me, all the pain and self sacrifice I've suffered through over the years has only been making things worse? Who would have thought she was right all along, i do need therapy!

We've never really had a good marriage, even in the good times she was very clingy and had self esteem issues. Only now am i realizing i completely lost myself somewhere along the way. Fast forwarding our first child was hospitalized for 2 months after birth, which was very hard on both of us. uBPDw started staying home to handle the frequent doctor visits and physical therapy sessions once we got to go home. There were some tough patches, but we held up ok. Now that were have a second child, the stress of keeping up with 2 kids has gotten the best of her. Once something triggers her, she completely loses her patience. I now get angry calls and texts from her while I'm at work almost every day now. I started therapy a couple month back when i could see she was falling apart and i had no idea what to do.

I'm starting to worry a lot about our older daughter. uBPDw spend most of her day keeping the younger son fed and happy, it seems she's starting to neglect our daughter. Over the last few months our daughter has begun focusing on me so much when I'm home, she nearly ignores her mother. Maybe it's normal behavior, but it further distances them. uBPDw interprets this as daughter not loving her, furthering the cycle of lots of negative reinforcement and little positive reinforcement. I'm terrified the lack of validation from her mother is putting her on the path to be just like her.

I'm not sure I'm ready to face divorce yet, but my therapist mentioned that staying in a bad relationship may be more harmful to the kids than good. Up until now we've been focusing on me, but now that I've gotten my head back above water I'm spending my time worrying about our kids. It's especially hard when I'm at work and she calls during a meltdown. I've learned enough to protect myself, but i don't know how to protect the kids. Or if it's even possible.

I wanted to keep this brief, but now I'm taking. I could probably write a book about our time before kids and her issues with my family. I'll be clicking through other posts over the next few days, hethe perspective I've gotten from reading a few threads so far has been priceless. Right now my quest is to answer the question, should i stay our should i go and how will that decision impact our kids?

Thanks for having me,

Ben

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ben, Your story is quite familiar to me, as I suspect it will be to many on this Board.  Like you, I was reluctant to ascribe BPD to my W when my T first loaned me the book, SWOE.  I had never heard of BPD so I felt like it came out of left field, which may be similar to what you are experiencing.  Yet I couldn't deny that the BPD shoe fit, so-to-speak.  Anyway, I wanted to assure you that others have been down this path before you and can help along the way.

LuckyJim