Hey joe-
How about “I know I love her and that she loves me but she has a personality disorder that makes an ongoing relationship unsustainable, I'm sometimes subjected to behavior that is unacceptable, and I can still love her but not be with her, let her go with love." Could something like that be something you could live with?
HeeltoHeal: Given my oft frantic state of mind once i have read 2 or more posts out here, I had neglected to think about your screen name. I LOVE IT! Cheers!
Yes, this is a very thoughtful message that accurately captures how I would like to internally hold what has happened. Thank you!
Additionally, I haven't seen the following posted out here but, I think we all need "elevator speeches" for when we are asked about what has happened or is happening in our marriages or relationships.
For those who have never heard the term "elevator speech" it is intended to be a metaphor for what would you tell someone if you were trying to get a job and only had enough time to ride the elevator with them to make an impression.
I mention this because I see friends who ask how I am doing and have found myself rambling and muttering about BPD. I realize part way through my response that I am giving too much detail that I can't explain clearly and am confusing my friend. I walk away feeling overwhelmed, confused and embarrassed. How did I just mess up a simple question like "how are you?".
I am going to guess that after listening to my disjointed explanations about BPD (which they aren't going to understand) my friend probably thinks that
I am the one who needs help!
So, in addition to my own internal elevator speech that I can repeat like a mantra when my mind wants to get carried away with "how did I get to this place"; i also have an exBPD elevator speech that can be used without overwhelming the caring friend and also leaves them with an opportunity to ask more or say nothing more and allows me to feel comfortable with what I have said.
This pre-prepared speech also helps me keep my responses honest and genuine which is important for me to be sure that I don't perpetuate my own denial by telling a half-truth so that things don't seem so bad. Of course, each elevator speech would be appropriately adjusted to match the level of closeness you had with the friend. In general, I am open in a way that gives someone an opportunity to ask more or not.
For instance; friend who knows I am in process of divorce asks; How is it going at home and how are you handling it?
My response: I am learning that there were issues that emanated from outside our marriage that were interfering with our marriage. It seems that we were unable to work this through even though I would have liked to. I am still working on accepting all this.
If they want to know more:
My Response: There were levels of trust that we came up against that created a lot of conflict and misunderstanding. Getting close to one another was difficult and there was a lot of friction that I tried to accept all the responsibility for. I finally got to a place where I really wanted to address this so we could be closer but was unable to.
Don't know if this helps anyone or if they had the same thoughts.
Just sharing what is helping me.
