Advice? Thoughts? Validation?

[beefree]

A little background: Have been extremely LC with uBPD mom... .written contact only at this point. The content of the written content that I have received has been unacceptable. Statements were made vacillating between I am spoiled/selfish/bad and deserved the verbal and emotional abuse that I faced, to it never happened. uBPD Mom ignored and voilated the boundaries I set more times than I can count, destroying any possible trust.  Placed a 2 page letter in the center of my birthday card last year detailing how I was a horrible person/christian.  Has continued to demand increased contact with no change in her behavior.

She is a waif type who goes witch/queen, really skilled at utilizing FOG.  Dad is a huntsman, denies any abuse happened, and has not returned any attempts to reach out over the past two years. Very little contact from anyone else in the family.

uBPD mom now has been diagnosed with multiple brain tumors, one of which is inoperable.  Got a facebook message from my uncle requesting a phone call, which then disappeared hours later, and then a call from my brother... .was able to have a good conversation with my brother, talk about BPD & mom's BPD characteristics for the first time.  He actually also validated my experience of abuse growing up.  But also shared that I have apparently been painted black, and characterized as the unforgiving daughter.

In a weird spot emotionally... .grateful for the validation and renewed contact with brother, despite the circumstances.  Not feeling much in regards to Mom's diagnosis/status.  Anxiousness/fear/frustration about the painting black, and future family reactions and interactions after the stories that are being told - and family pressure/expectation/judgement about how I am to behave now. I don't wish Mom ill, but I can't go jump on a plane and pretend to play the part of the doting daughter. I don't trust her not to lash out and perpetrate more abuse, and with stress and emotions running high, I just picture ugly scenarios.

Anyone else been through something like this? Advice? Thoughts? Validation?

Thanks!

[Halo]

If you go, she will be like a hungry lion and have you cornered in the hospital. She'll manipulate and humiliate you and deny it all. It will be a bad situation that will stick to you for a while after you return. I didn't go to a family funeral. I'm tired of caring what family thinks. Some of them are well brainwashed to think negatively of me although I'm a very nice person who was victimized by a BPD parent for many years. If push comes to shove, just tell anyone who questions you that you feel in danger when you are around her. Isn't it true? Stop trying to protect her when someone corners you and calls you a bad child.

[Kwamina]

Hi beefree

Not feeling much in regards to Mom's diagnosis/status.  Anxiousness/fear/frustration about the painting black, and future family reactions and interactions after the stories that are being told - and family pressure/expectation/judgement about how I am to behave now. I don't wish Mom ill, but I can't go jump on a plane and pretend to play the part of the doting daughter. I don't trust her not to lash out and perpetrate more abuse, and with stress and emotions running high, I just picture ugly scenarios.

I think the most important question is do you want to see your mother now that she's seriously ill? It's your decision to make and no matter what you decide to do, I think it will help to re-visit the materials on this website about setting and enforcing boundaries and the communication techniques for dealing with disordered people. Based on what you've experienced to this point, it indeed wouldn't make sense to pretend nothing is wrong. Whatever you decide to do, it helps to be prepared and the tools and lessons on this site can help you with that. Protecting your own well-being is very important and that's where setting and enforcing boundaries plays a crucial role:

When we speak of “boundaries” we are really speaking about our personal values.  This point is often overlooked.  Personal boundaries are simply one way we define our values to others.  Let’s start there.

... .

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.