Writing a No Contact letter

[oceaneyes]

Hi Everyone,

My T has suggested that I write a letter to my uBPDmom detailing how her behavior has affected me and why I am no longer in contact with her. It stemmed from an exercise where I was supposed to write down my boundaries and I basically wanted so little contact from my mother that it wasn't really a relationship at all. I feel like this is a good suggestion, and that it might give both of us some closure. I really hope that it will be a wake up call for her and that she might seek some help, though I will obviously not bring that up in the letter. I will only be discussing my feelings and struggles.

I'm comfortable writing this letter but I'm concerned with her reaction—will she lash out at me, will she trash me to my friends and family on social media, etc. I never know which reaction I'll get from her, angry or sad, and I'd like to prepare myself a bit for both. As it stands, neither of us have contacted each other in about three months, and before that it was very limited contact. I never initiated calls or texts and only visited her once or twice a year, usually for holidays.

I was wondering, have any of you written a no contact letter? What reaction did you receive? If you didn't write a letter in what way did you communicate going no contact?

Thanks for sharing!

[Leaving]

Hi Oceaneyes,

I've written many NC letters and letters in general that express my feelings.  It's a wonderful exercise to do every so often whether you send the letter or not.  Don't write the letter with the thought of your mother reading it because that will affect how open, direct and honest you are.  Write the first draft completely uninhibited by thoughts of her reading it. Sit on it for a few days, go back and read it again. Notice if there any changes you would make before sending. 

Journaling and letter writing has been one of the most effective exercises in validation and healing.  The process grounds me , keeps me sane and helps me  be more objective about myself and my circumstances.   

As far as sending the letter... .well, don't expect your mother to call you and feel sorry for anything.  If she's like my mother, she will get defensive, angry and discard and disown and chalk it all up to me being such an ungrateful b&*ch.   Actually, that is actually where I stand with her as of a month ago.  If your mother lashes out, what do you think she would do? If she's so juvenile as to play tit for tat and use social media to discredit you, then you should prepare yourself for that.  I don't do social media so, I don't worry about those types of things and can't advise. If she is willing to destroy your property, that's a police matter and you will have to be willing to file charges.   My  mother did discredit me once to my in laws the first time I made NC.  It bothered me very much at first but then I realized that anyone would think that it was very abnormal, juvenile and disrespectful that a mother would turn so viciously on her own child in such a way.  I was right- that's what everyone thought.  My G-d mother even said that she thought it was so strange how a mother could discard and disown her child without even trying to make amends. 

Be sure to keep a copy of the letter if you do decide to send it.  I think it's always good to go back and read what I've written throughout the years. 

[oceaneyes]

Wow, thanks Leaving, this is all really great feedback!

I've written many NC letters and letters in general that express my feelings.  It's a wonderful exercise to do every so often whether you send the letter or not.  Don't write the letter with the thought of your mother reading it because that will affect how open, direct and honest you are.  Write the first draft completely uninhibited by thoughts of her reading it. Sit on it for a few days, go back and read it again. Notice if there any changes you would make before sending.

Love all of this advice, definitely going to keep it in mind when writing. I'm pretty confident the first draft is not going to be appropriate to send, there's a lot of hurt there. I've started with just a bulleted list for now of the negative impacts her behavior has had on me.

As far as sending the letter... .well, don't expect your mother to call you and feel sorry for anything.  If she's like my mother, she will get defensive, angry and discard and disown and chalk it all up to me being such an ungrateful b&*ch.   Actually, that is actually where I stand with her as of a month ago. 

I absolutely think she could respond in this way. When she's angry and raging she had called me exactly that. Last time I heard her voice she called me a little b*tch. Her favorite line is to say "well YOU didn't come with an instruction manual!" which completely puts the blame on me. She's incapable of empathy.

If your mother lashes out, what do you think she would do? If she's so juvenile as to play tit for tat and use social media to discredit you, then you should prepare yourself for that.  I don't do social media so, I don't worry about those types of things and can't advise. If she is willing to destroy your property, that's a police matter and you will have to be willing to file charges.

I know she will post about it on social media, she loves the pity she gets from other people by playing the victim. This past mother's day I sent her a card and on facebook she spent the entire day complaining about how I did nothing for her. All her friends came out of the woodwork to wish her happy mother's day and tell her how wonderful she is. I have no doubt that she will play the pity card on social media, but behind the scenes I think it's likely she will be fuming and probably lash out at me or my husband via text/call/letter. I'm not sure how I should respond to any response I get from this letter, I'm sure my T will have advice on that. I would assume reinstating my NC boundary would be the best approach.

I live far enough away from her that I'm not too worried about her physically contacting me. In my experience she's all bark and no bite, but I am prepared to protect myself and my family if necessary. It has crossed my mind. It's really tragic and sad that we all have to consider these scenarios.

I do worry that if she doesn't rage she will instead fall into a deep depression and possibly harm herself, but that is out of my control. She has threatened before after raging at me that if anyone else "hurts" her she will end up in the psych ward. She has never self-harmed in the past that I'm aware of, but my maternal grandfather did commit suicide, so I do worry that she could do the same.

My  mother did discredit me once to my in laws the first time I made NC.  It bothered me very much at first but then I realized that anyone would think that it was very abnormal, juvenile and disrespectful that a mother would turn so viciously on her own child in such a way.  I was right- that's what everyone thought.  My G-d mother even said that she thought it was so strange how a mother could discard and disown her child without even trying to make amends.

My in-laws are very aware of my situation with her, so I'm not worried about them. My SIL, however, I suspect is also uBPD, and my therapist agrees with that assumption. My SIL and mother are friends on facebook and my mother has what I would consider an unhealthy obsession with her and my niece. I do worry that my SIL will take sides with my mother or believe the lies that she is likely to spew about me. I just don't want to be painted black and have access to my niece restricted, but I also can't control what anyone posts on social media or what they choose to believe. I can only hope that people who know me, know me well enough to see that these are falsehoods coming from a very disturbed individual.

Be sure to keep a copy of the letter if you do decide to send it.  I think it's always good to go back and read what I've written throughout the years. 

I like this idea too. In the past when I've unconsciously gone NC for periods of time I found myself "softening" to her. Feeling sorry for her and thinking anytime she was acting normal that maybe things had changed. I think going back and re-reading this letter will help remind me why I went NC in the first place.

Thanks so much for sharing, this is all extremely valuable advice.

[happykiwi]

Hi Oceaneyes

I too have gone NC with my uBPDmum.  I wrote a letter from my heart to her with no intention of ever sending it.  You see she wouldn't get any of the emotional pain she has put me through as a child and adult. I go back to it now and again just to reinforce why I needed to do this. This year I didn't send a Mother's Day card and it felt so wonderful not to force myself into the card shop and read messages that made me feel ill and confused at the same time. 

I had bit of a bad day on Wednesday as it was my son's 9th birthday and a parcel arrived from her (she lives 5 hours away by plane) and my anxiety levels shot up.  My husband had to open the gift as I couldn't physically touch it.  I was so afraid of what would be inside.  Irrationally afraid.  Then I got very angry that this woman, my Mother has made her own daughter do this.  So I took the parcel put everything back into it and posted it back to her with my son's gift, card and DD present too.  That felt so wonderful.

Now when she receives that, I am expecting the you know what to start flying as she will then understand fully what I am doing.

I have blocked her from my phone and that is so wonderful not living in fear of seeing her caller ID.  My husband knows to ignore her phone calls and to delete any messages without listening to them. 

I read a sentence the other day that resonated with me regarding her and it was 'don't shout at the broken'.  Although I am very angry, sad and grieving for something I never had she is broken inside, mentally broken.  She had a nasty upbringing and I'm not making excuses for her I just know now why she is so toxic and immature.  And I'm so blessed and grateful that I came out of my childhood as a kind and caring human

[sparrowfarfrom home]

I Debated writing a NC letter to my agressive UBPDsis, wrote first, 2nd, third drafts, etc to say everything in just the right way, expressing my feelings in a complete yet non hating way. That week of writing and re writing was agonizing to me causing much depression knowing the kind of fallout that would come afterward ( which I would ignore,) but cascade to other family members, (which of course I would also fight to ignore).

Dramadramadrama... .sometimes you can't totally escape it depending on the family situation you find yourself in... .some here on the board made a clean break but some situations are more complicated... .

I did not send it. I am relieved - like I survived a firing squad.

I saved the email. I can always use it if I want to, ànd it can be amended as needed. It was a very helpful exercise in that I was able to categorize my thoughts and feelings.

The final consideration for me:

UBPD mom is 87 and close to going into a nursing home where after her house will be sold.

I am not going to foul any relationships at this point (and boy would they be fouled) so that I can get my share of the house and inheritance. I choose to fade into the background without a whimper or brave defense so as to have my own share of what is mine.

Cold? Calculating? Of course. But that is how I have been taught is the best way to deal with these two people in my life.

[Leaving]

I Debated writing a NC letter to my agressive UBPDsis, wrote first, 2nd, third drafts, etc to say everything in just the right way, expressing my feelings in a complete yet non hating way. That week of writing and re writing was agonizing to me causing much depression knowing the kind of fallout that would come afterward ( which I would ignore,) but cascade to other family members, (which of course I would also fight to ignore).

Dramadramadrama... .sometimes you can't totally escape it depending on the family situation you find yourself in... .some here on the board made a clean break but some situations are more complicated... .

I did not send it. I am relieved - like I survived a firing squad.

I saved the email. I can always use it if I want to, ànd it can be amended as needed. It was a very helpful exercise in that I was able to categorize my thoughts and feelings.

The final consideration for me:

UBPD mom is 87 and close to going into a nursing home where after her house will be sold.

I am not going to foul any relationships at this point (and boy would they be fouled) so that I can get my share of the house and inheritance. I choose to fade into the background without a whimper or brave defense so as to have my own share of what is mine.

Cold? Calculating? Of course. But that is how I have been taught is the best way to deal with these two people in my life.

Sparrow,

I don't think you're being cold and calculating in an ugly way.  I think you're smart.  I wasn't as smart and I'm still learning to balance smart vs feeling selfish when it comes to these type of matters.  I thought i was doing the right thing by bowing out, not wanting any inheritance, etc...   and although there is a part of me that truly felt it was bad karma to inherit money or stuff from my family, I also realize now that my mother conditioned me to believe that way so that SHE could get everything without having to fight for it.  In other words, she would say things like, ' You're too good for this stuff, you aren't a greedy superficial person, you're a deep thinking person and not shallow" 

She was always able to put a brilliant spin on good character values and personal integrity so that it benefited her in the long run.

You're smart!

[Leaving]

GULP... .

Ok Ocean, I just had my first taste of being trashed on social media by my NPD/BPD husband.  What's so truly bizarre and ironic about this is that I rarely ever ( maybe twice a year) look at my husband's FB page. I know that sounds odd given how everyone else seems to use it but truthfully, I have no interest in FB unless it's business related or I need to find someone.  But, today while using his FB account to look up my neighbor, I just happened to open his page. 

My initial reaction was wow, how truly low and vindictive he is.  Then thoughts of him being immature, spineless and perhaps desperate.  Obviously, he can't communicate like an intelligent mature adult and must resort to such passive aggressive tactics.

I thought about how I've never resorted to humiliating my husband in public even though I had plenty of reason to MANY times.

I thought about Demi moore and her husband and their public altercation on FB or Twitter and how truly bizarre that is that not just one of them but both of them behaved that way. I wondered if they are both BPD!

I thought about you and what you're afraid of and for a moment could identify with the hurt and fear of being black listed but, that fear didn't last long.

I was able to step back and view his post objectively as a third party and I thought about how all his FB friends would think that wasn't very nice and rather tacky.  Those who do find it entertaining, I have absolutely no respect for.

I guess I just wanted to write you and sharer my 'new' personal experience and hopefully, it will help you gain a more realistic perspective of ' sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me"  Keep in mind that bullies, including your mother, on social media are cowards.  It's all too easy to spew slurs at people and make oneself look tough or victimized but they are spineless cowards that are intimidated by you and so, must hide behind the curtain.  Remember the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz?

[SadBPDdaughter]

I wrote to my Mum asking her to stop writing to me (after a string of negative and hurtful letters) until she could talk to me with the respect I deserved. I had ignored the previous 3 but addressed all of her accusations and comments, from them all, then added my own feelings and points of view. I told her that I loved her but could not allow her to keep hurting me and my children ... .And that until she acknowledged this and stopped behaving in such a selfish manner, I would not be able to maintain a relationship with her.

If I'm honest, I did have a tiny bit of hope that this would shock her into feeling some sort of remorse and try to make some sort of attempt at salvaging our relationship. Even if it was just so that she would get to see her grandchildren. But that was 9 months ago and I have heard nothing. Am I surprised? no ... .Because she has never been able to apologise or even recognise that she is in the wrong. So, yes it hurts to realise that she can let us walk away without a fight. But it's such a relief to not have the constant battles and tears. I'm glad I did it.

[Leaving]

I wrote to my Mum asking her to stop writing to me (after a string of negative and hurtful letters) until she could talk to me with the respect I deserved. I had ignored the previous 3 but addressed all of her accusations and comments, from them all, then added my own feelings and points of view. I told her that I loved her but could not allow her to keep hurting me and my children ... .And that until she acknowledged this and stopped behaving in such a selfish manner, I would not be able to maintain a relationship with her.

If I'm honest, I did have a tiny bit of hope that this would shock her into feeling some sort of remorse and try to make some sort of attempt at salvaging our relationship. Even if it was just so that she would get to see her grandchildren. But that was 9 months ago and I have heard nothing. Am I surprised? no ... .Because she has never been able to apologise or even recognise that she is in the wrong. So, yes it hurts to realise that she can let us walk away without a fight. But it's such a relief to not have the constant battles and tears. I'm glad I did it.

I'm so sorry that your mother feels no need to restore her relationship with her daughter.  My mother is the same way as your mother.  I contacted my mother last fall after several years of NC and she has already disposed of me and washed her hands of me once again.  This time, I'm through with her games.  I don't feel an ounce of empathy for her.  I did nothing wrong and I'm not going to be treated like I have.  I don't want to wrap my mind around the motivations of a mother who can behave in such a way. I'm exhausted from trying to for 54 years. I've given her thousands of chances to show up as a mother and she simply can't or won't.  I wouldn't like anyone who behaves that way toward their children.  I hope you will find peace, love and joy in the relationships that you do have and will gracefully grieve your loss.  I doubt your mother ever will.

[SadBPDdaughter]

I'm so sorry that your mother feels no need to restore her relationship with her daughter.  My mother is the same way as your mother.  I contacted my mother last fall after several years of NC and she has already disposed of me and washed her hands of me once again.  This time, I'm through with her games.  I don't feel an ounce of empathy for her.  I did nothing wrong and I'm not going to be treated like I have.  I don't want to wrap my mind around the motivations of a mother who can behave in such a way. I'm exhausted from trying to for 54 years. I've given her thousands of chances to show up as a mother and she simply can't or won't.  I wouldn't like anyone who behaves that way toward their children.  I hope you will find peace, love and joy in the relationships that you do have and will gracefully grieve your loss.  I doubt your mother ever will.

Thankyou ... .I  no longer feel the mental exhaustion that comes with having to constantly justify my words or actions, or trying to make my Mum see things logically or with reason. I spent many years thinking my Mum just didn't understand me or even KNOW me at all. But now I realise it's part of a condition and not about me and her particularly.

She finds it easier to love my brother so whole heartedly because he needs her and allows her to treat him like a child. He allows her to open his bank statements and tell him where he needs to be and when. I have lived away from home for nearly 30 years, and am a mother of 2 grown up children myself, and am quite strong and independent. She can't cope with that.

I will often say things to her, when she judges people so quickly, like " Mum, I know you don't do things that way, or I know that makes you mad, but try and see it from their point of view... ." and challenge her to some degree. Something else she can't cope with.

When I have got upset over the years, with the unfair treatment I have had compared to my brother, (for example, they would often visit him at his home, but I was always expected to go to them, or they would go and dog-sit for him so he could socialise, but I was made to feel like a bad mother if I wanted to rarely go out overnight after seperating from my husband) my Dad has said : "Well he needs us to be like that, you're much stronger". Or : "I sometimes wish you were more like him, it would make life much easier! " or : "it's the petrol cost, we can't afford it," when I live 10 minutes further down the road.

My answer to that is : yes I'm much stronger, ( because I HAD to be when you did things like leave me at home alone at the age of 11 while you had a weeks vacation) and don't need you to treat me like a child, however that doesn't mean I don't need your time and love. I'm still your child.

So it's a battle I will never win because I can't suddenly become needy or not voice my opinions if I feel her treatment of people is unjust. I refuse to be a victim like her ... .that may sound harsh but I'm just so tired of making allowances and trying to defend myself against her wrong assumptions of me. I have found it easier to break away from the negativity involved in trying to keep my Mum in my life. I was slowly going insane myself! 

[oceaneyes]

RE: Leaving

I finally just blocked my uBPDmom on social media. We weren't friends on facebook, which she constantly complained about, so blocking her there was no problem. We were, however, friends on instagram. I thought that allowing her access there would maybe appease her and it did for a time. Unfortunately, every time she likes one of my posts I feel my blood pressure skyrocket. I eventually just quit posting, which bothered me a lot because I felt like I was letting her indirectly control my own behavior. I finally blocked her on instagram, and well, I guess she noticed. I got a string of text messages, which actually weren't the worst ones I've gotten. They irritated me all the same. She started off by calling me "foolish" and then an hour later she's texting me about how I'm her "entire world." It's exhausting.

I'm through. I honestly can't wait to finalize this letter and cut all ties. This back and forth, good and evil, just isn't worth it to me anymore. I'd rather invest my time and energy into supportive, loving, and positive people.

[Leaving]

Sounds like you have a good plan and philosophy to live by for now!  I think the NC will benefit you greatly even if it's not forever.  I know for me it took 3 or 4 rounds of NC plus or minus a few years each time for me to finally gain emotional independence from my mother and confidence in my self.   Today, I don't feel any attachment to her.  I am fairly certain that I could be around here and not fall back into her web but I just don't like being around her.  Why spend time with people that bring us down and hold us back?  Surround yourself with people that make you a better person.

To quote C.S. Lewis:  " There are far,far better things ahead than any we leave behind"

Take Care and BE HAPPY