BPD and Alcohol Abuse

[Ambinsi]

I feel like Dorothy from Kansas trying to get back to my old life. I found out too late that my ex live in BF has BPD. Only from reading articles on these websites have I come to realize his condition and my unknowing role in this mess. To cut to the chase, he was arrested for domestic violence last week. He physically assaulted me when I tried to leave my house and has to be tasered by the cops when they tried to arrest him. I now have an order of protection - he can't contact me by any means. He was released ROR. That feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach for the last year is starting to subside and I'm now cleaning up the mess, physical and emotional, that he left behind. From articles that I've read, and blog postings, I've not seen much written about alcohol abuse and BPD.  Although drinking/other addictive behaviors is one of the criteria used in diagnosing BPD, I found little written about the link between the two.  Just wanted to hear from anyone if their experiences were similar to mine.

Basically, the first 6 months were great. He used to drink on weekends, sometimes a little too much, but was not cruel or vicious. Then, after he moved in, it all began. He would drink, and then he would go off on these rants about me not spending enough time with him, accuse me of cheating, telling me I was a heartless person who would grow old alone, calling me the devil. He left a few times, only to call wanting to come back. Like a fool, I let him back, only to have the cycle repeat itself with greater frequency. When he was sober, he was a different person, but now I see that signs were there even then. Always wanting to be around me, not giving me some space, getting upset when I didn't immediately respond to texts, complaining of ailments he wanted me to take care of, always seeing a doctor for a myriad of conditions, constantly wanting sex (not making love, for sure), not listening to my opinion on anything. He was very controlling. If he cooked dinner, he would fill up his plate and give me just a little. I used to say "are you rationing me?"  During his sober rants, I told him I wasn't going to engage him. During his alcohol fueled rages, I tried to avoid him by leaving my house.

So, he is gone now, and I have to go to the DA's office this week for an interview. The DA is going to ask me about the outcome I want. My ex needs professional help, but keeping him out of my life is my priority. My ex already broke the protection order by texting me that he hopes I don't appear in court for his next appearance.  I didn't respond. I guess he doesn't understand the term No Contact.

Thanks for listening. 

[once removed]

hey ambinsi, and

im terribly sorry to hear you were assaulted. what a nightmare. very glad you have an order of protection now and are safe  .

to answer your question, youre right that substance abuse is a diagnostic criteria. in essence, its a maladaptive coping tool. people with BPD have great difficulty regulating their emotions, and for that matter, thoughts and feelings. alcohol, and regulating emotions and behaviors, do not go well together, to put it mildly. that part is not unique to BPD. some people turn into "mean drunks" and might behave violently when they wouldnt otherwise. throw in mental illness and the situation gets pretty risky. impossible for me to say whether this person would or wouldnt have been violent otherwise, and it doesnt much matter, hes out of control, and when a person shows theyre willing to get violent in a domestic situation, thats incredibly difficult to curb.

i hope the interview with the DA goes well enough, it must be anxiety inducing  . do keep us posted. we also have a legal board you may find of use going forward.

[JQ]

Ambinsi 

I see this is your first post to the group ... .Welcome!     Here you'll find people just like you that have a current or exBPD that is or was in their life. We're here to listen to you vent, give you ideas from our experiences and to give you a virtual hug when needed    come back as often as you need to ... .someone is alway where for you.

It's NEVER ok to be physically abused. It's NEVER ok to be emotionally abused. It's NEVER ok to be mentally abused. I'm sorry you had to get a restraining order for someone you loved ... .but it's not uncommon in this world.

You've certainly experienced first hand the extreme behavior of someone who has BPD & I'm sorry to hear of the issues that you're currently going through.  First realize that NONE of this is YOUR fault!  NOTHING you said, NOTHING YOU did caused this. His BPD started long before you met him. The 3 C's of PBD ... .YOU didn't CAUSE it! YOU can't CONTROL it!  YOU can't CURE it!  What you can do is dive into this world of BPD with references at the top and to the right of this page. There are books such as "I hate you I love you, don't leave me." "Stop Walking on Eggshells" & "The Human Magnet Syndrome" all you can find at your local library in addition to so many other references.

In reference to question on alcohol ... .Once removed is correct is part of the diagnostic criteria & it's a coping tool. They do have extreme difficulty regulating emotions, behavior, thoughts & feelings. My exBPDgf is very smart, 2 masters degrees, 6 figure job, & knew NOT to drink when she was at business meetings or out with coworkers. BUT when she was with me in an enclosed environment she would drink to excess. It helped her she said cope with the childhood abuse she dealt with. It would lower her inhibitions and things would be said & things would happen that would not normally be in her character. She wouldn't become violent, but would become EXTREMELY sexual & demanding & self harming. It was interesting thing to learn ... .to learn to limit her alcohol consumption, to learn her triggers, to learn her behaviors that would lead to her wanting to drink more and more.

As you have learned that people with BPD need to have a since of being in control. My exBPDgf told me she needed to be in control from grocery shopping, filling the gas tank, to choosing something to dinner otherwise she would get frustrated, that would lead to anxiety, that would lead to raging, and nothing after that was good. So I've had to learn to give up control on a few things, but learn to talk to her, validate her concerns about me doing something in order for her to become more comfortable with whatever the issue is. It can be a very tiresome, draining, mentally exhausting that leads to other health issues.

You're ex broke the protection rule ... .my first exBPDgf was so out of control, well lets just say she was VERY out of control and I really needed to protect myself. I had to change my phone number 4 times and threaten legal action.  I wish you peace & strength going forward and that everything goes as you want with the DA this week. As Once removed says, keep us posted ... .take a deep breath ... .know that things will get better for you. Have patience

JQ

[Ambinsi]

JQ and Once Removed - thank you for the kind welcome and your advice.  I did purchase Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me e-books and am reading them now.  I honestly never heard of this disorder until a few months ago.  I was online looking up alcohol abuse and came across a very well-written article about BPD and I felt like the author was writing about my relationship.

As an fyi, I found out that in my state, when someone is arrested for DV, a temporary order of protection is automatic.  It is up to the victim and prosecutor and judge to determine if this gets changed to a permanent order.  I'll let you know how it goes with the DA.  For future posts, I will be moving over to the L3 Board as we are no longer together.

Thank you, again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ambinsi, Welcome!  Sure, alcohol and substance abuse go hand in hand with BPD.  Due to their emotional turmoil, pwBPD engage in self-medication.  My BPDxW used to drink a 12-pack every night.  That's right, a 12-PACK!  A case of beer every other day.  The recycling bin was piled high with beer cans.  I joined Al-Anon.  Then she had an operation on her back for which she received pain medications, which only made things worse because then she abused drugs AND alcohol.

LuckyJim