Verbal/Emotion/Physical abuse in one day...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I will try to make this post as clear as possible and as much in chronological order as I can to follow.

First, just some general info. My uBPDw is 37 weeks pregnant. She is miserable. Swollen hands and feet for a few weeks now and nothing seems to help. Our baby is measuring 40 weeks and has measured as such for a few weeks. He is big, point blank. He is the biggest child she has carried out of the other 4 children we have. It has been increasingly tough on her emotionally and physically for the last couple months but even more so the last couple weeks. Last week she was really at a low point after a 2nd time rushing to the hospital with labor pains she was having. She really wants our son out of her body. She can't take it anymore. Unfortunately, the doctors here have said they will do nothing to help the labor until she goes past the due date which is July 12th. The won't stop the labor if it happens now that she is past 37 weeks, but they won't help induce it either. Every doctor apt she has and both times we have been to the hospital in the last month, she has been told these things by the staff. It only further brings her down.

I have been doing all I can at home when I'm off work to help with everything household related. Trying to take full control of the kids and household tasks. So during her low point last week, she mentioned that she really wishes her Mom and Dad or just one of them would come down. They live about 3 hours away from us and are in their mid 60s. They are amazing people and many times, I have wished they were my own parents. Over all the years, they have never said one negative thing about me to my face or behind my back that I even know of. Even during all the problems my uBPDw and I have faced over our 9 years (Separations/Adultery accusations), they have been very supportive. They have always known their daughter has anger/rage/depression issues. So after she tells me she wishes at least one of her parents would come down, I told her she should let her parents know. She wrote and email to her Mom and later that evening, her Mother said she would be down the following day and her Dad would remain at home. So this was a good thing, her Mom would come down and help out with the kids and for some emotional support for uBPDw while I am at work during the day. Well, during all of this, we had been keeping my 10 yo stepson home from school because he developed pink eye. Last week was his final week of school. Pink eye, with 3 other kids in the house is a dangerous combination. We tried to do all that we could to minimize the damage. My MIL arrived and things were looking up. I felt a little better going to work that day knowing my MIL would be there offering help and support.

Well, my kids are 11S, 10StepS, 5D, 2D. My oldest suffers from high functioning autism. They thought it to be Asperger's Disease. If you haven't heard of it, a good way to describe it, is the beginnings of BPD IMO. My 11S has always had emotional issues. He screams and stomps, slams and cries when things don't go his way. He is easily frustrated over simple things. He demands strict adherence to rules when playing sports or games. When you don't follow them, he rages out. We had to pull him from school because he was suspended twice in 2 months, even with an IEP (Specialized program in place for him at school to help cope with the autism). So he has been home schooled since October of last year. The kid is smart, knows many things about animals.

So things had been going ok this week. uBPDw has been really trying to induce this labor herself. I bought her a stability ball the other day that she can use to sit and bounce on to try to get the baby to drop. It started to bring on contractions Wednesday night but to no avail. So yesterday, I messaged her a couple times in the morning as I usually do to check in and this is how it went:

Me: How ya feeling babe?

Her: Oh its super fun around here

Me: Is it really? Or is that sarcasm?

Her: S11 needs to move out

Her: I have lost my mind on him. Scared my mom. She went up (stairs) and I have no idea what to do from here. Im done.

Her: I am abt (about) ready to grab the lizard (S11s beared dragon) from the cage and smash a window and throw him out of it.

Her: I really dont want this life and I dont want to be here anymore.

Me: Ok, I'm headed home.

Her: If u see my mom u can give her the ok to go home. If you see S11 just keep him away from me. Im in bed trying to get D5 to nap.

Me: Ok. I feared he would cause an issue soon. His attitude has been ramping up as of late.

About 30 min later I get home. When I walk in the door, my MIL and both sons are downstairs getting lunch. I asked my MIL, what happened. This is where I really felt floored.

She said my S11 and SS10 were arguing as usual while my uBPDw was putting my D2 down for a nap upstairs. At some point, my S11 called my SS10 retarded and my uBPDw yelled at him to come upstairs. She cursed at him for saying that to my SS10 and he responded by stomping off to his room while she was trying to get our D2 down still. uBPDw went downstairs and could hear my S11 stomping his foot on the floor and so she ran upstairs and S11 was lying on the floor with a blanket over his head kicking his foot on the floor repeatedly. At this point, I was told uBPDw screamed at him that "he needs to move out" "she doesn't want him there anymore." My MIL also stated that it sounded like uBPDw said she wanted S11 dead. MIL also said uBPDw kicked S11 in the back to shut him up.

It was all very breathtaking for me. I felt punched in the stomach. How was I going to handle this. Another thing I hadn't mentioned is that earlier in the week, when I had a private moment talking to MIL, I told her about my discovery of BPD with her daughter. For many years, I have had some talks with her parents about her issues. MIL said my wifes sister had actually come across that term a while back and wondered if my wife had it. So yesterday after all this, I looked at my MIL and said "Now you have actually gotten to see the real nightmare of it." She was upset, I could tell. We discussed some options. Basically MIL was going to leave today and take S11 and SS10 with her back home and then return after about a day with my FIL as well for added support. The sad part is, they were supposed to go on a camping trip next week for a week starting Monday. The campsite is in a remote area and cell reception is pretty non existent. That was another reason uBPDw was stressing and wanting the baby to be born now. Well, when I mentioned the camping trip to MIL, she had already stated it's been cancelled. It was cancelled, due to my wifes behavior.

A couple hours later, I received a text. uBPDw said "Im awake up here just not coming out". I went upstairs and had a talk with her. I asked what happened, she reiterated what MIL told me but she claimed she never said anything about wanting S11 dead or wishing he was dead. She didn't mention the kick, so I brought it up. She looked at me and said "I did do that." But she said she didn't know she got him in the back as he was wearing the blanket over his body kicking the floor in protest. She said she was trying to kick him in the butt to get his attention. I told her that we can't do that. It's abuse and we can't get sucked into S11s emotions. The funny thing is, the whole time I was trying to talk to her about how to handle S11, I felt as if I was telling her how I deal with her. When I was saying all this, she at one point said "Well, this isn't my fault and I'm not going to be treated this way." Such a frigging BPD statement if I ever heard one. She was still embarrassed at her actions. She was embarrassed that her Mom saw/heard all of this. She wasn't coming downstairs.

So I took the kids out back and let them play with a sprinkler uBPDw bought them a couple days ago. They were having a good time and I hoped uBPDw would come downstairs and talk to her Mom inside while we played outside. When I went in, it was just MIL sitting on the couch. By now, I'm starting to get pissed off. Trying to stay calm, but very hard considering her actions all day. I went upstairs to put on shoes so I could go get dinner. She said she went downstairs and sat down and her Mom didn't speak to her. She didn't say anything to her Mom though so basically, she went downstairs and sat down waiting for her Mom to make the first move... .So at that, she went back upstairs to sulk. She told me we had some things in the freezer to make so I just said fine and started that. She came downstairs and grabbed some chicken tenders from the freezer and set them on the counter as I walked in from the garage. I looked at her and said "is that going to be enough?", there were only 5 tenders in there. She said "I guess." So by this point, I'm pretty ticked. I grabbed the bag and said "I guess we'll have enough for the kids at least." At this point, she grabs her phone and back upstairs she goes. I go upstairs to find out what happened (shouldn't have, I know but I've been doing the right things for hours now and I'm just exhausted and want it to be done.) She said I seemed disinterested in her coming downstairs and so she was just going back up to be alone. I told her I just wanted to include her in everything downstairs and not to let S11 win with how he reacted earlier in the day. She said "Well, I was trying to make little progress here and there by coming downstairs, I know you don't get that I had a tough day". I arched my eyebrow and started to shake. I said ":)id you just say I don't get that you had a tough day?" She replied "Yup" and I just nodded and walked out of the room. I make dinner and get the kids fed. uBPDw comes back downstairs after they finish eating and she interacts with her Mom and kids. Has a calm, sweet voice and I think "hopefully she is finally over everything." She comes in the kitchen while I'm cleaning up but the look on her face tells me, she isn't calm, her anger has just all shifted to me. So I just keep cleaning up and she grabs a fly swatter off the counter and just drops it onto the floor. I pick it up and put it where it belongs, as I'm doing this, she asks where the Lysol wipes are. I look around for a second in the kitchen as we usually have them out on the kitchen counter and before I answer she storms off coming back with them in her hand and says "Oh, so much fun being down here" in a sarcastic tone. I'm not going to lie, at this point, I was ready to smash her across the face with the Lysol wipes. I have had enough, but that is not me. We all just have those moments where we want to do something ridiculous in protest. So I said "what is fun?" She moved her hand in a ridiculous circle in my direction, indicating me. That was enough for me. I went upstairs and layed in the bed for peace.

She texted me about 30min later and said:

"So I hadn't eaten all day, which im sure contributed to my moodiness. Sorry for causing u grief."

I replied "thank you" and went downstairs. The rest of the night seemed to go ok, but I can tell she has a hurricane going on in her mind. When she was upstairs getting our daughters down for bed, my MIL looked at me last night and asked if she thought uBPDw would be ok with her taking S11 and SS10 with her home for a day or two. I told her that during my conversation with my wife earlier, she wasn't going to let the boys leave the house, that they "don't deserve to go anywhere". I told MIL that it would be best if she asked my wife if she had any ideas to help with the stress. If she doesn't have any ideas than MIL can suggest her idea of taking the boys with her for a couple days back home. I also at this time, told my MIL about this website and to look it over when she got home. As I went into the kitchen, my MIL was getting ready to go to sleep and I heard some of the conversation. I caught her saying "let me take the boys with me and we'll come back in a day or 2 with your father as well for more help" I heard my wife say "no, that isn't happening you have your camping trip anyway" At this point, I went out to the garage to use my electronic cigarette to give them a min. When I came back inside after a few min, it was just my wife sitting in the living room on her phone. I asked what they talked about, she just shook her head. I asked her how she was feeling, she said "fine". I asked if she wanted to talk about anything, she said "no". I asked if her Mom was leaving in the morning and she said "I hope so." So at that point, I kissed her on the cheek, said I love you and went to sleep.

Sorry for the lost post, I wanted to put as much into this as possible so you all can almost feel as if you were a fly on the wall. I don't know what to do honestly. I know I messed up somethings on several points. But I was just done with that whole day. I don't know if her Mom is indeed leaving today. I don't know if she is going to convince uBPDw to allow the boys to go with her. I don't know if she is going to leave solo and come back in a couple days with FIL. I think after witnessing the events of yesterday and the fact she cancelled her camping trip, she understands where my wife is at mentally right now. So I'm just sitting at work wondering what this whole weekend is going to entail... .to be honest, I'm scared.

[CastleofGlass]

So, I will try to make this post as clear as possible and as much in chronological order as I can to follow.

First, just some general info. My uBPDw is 37 weeks pregnant. She is miserable. Swollen hands and feet for a few weeks now and nothing seems to help. Our baby is measuring 40 weeks and has measured as such for a few weeks. He is big, point blank. He is the biggest child she has carried out of the other 4 children we have. It has been increasingly tough on her emotionally and physically for the last couple months but even more so the last couple weeks. Last week she was really at a low point after a 2nd time rushing to the hospital with labor pains she was having. She really wants our son out of her body. She can't take it anymore. Unfortunately, the doctors here have said they will do nothing to help the labor until she goes past the due date which is July 12th. The won't stop the labor if it happens now that she is past 37 weeks, but they won't help induce it either. Every doctor apt she has and both times we have been to the hospital in the last month, she has been told these things by the staff. It only further brings her down.

I have been doing all I can at home when I'm off work to help with everything household related. Trying to take full control of the kids and household tasks. So during her low point last week, she mentioned that she really wishes her Mom and Dad or just one of them would come down. They live about 3 hours away from us and are in their mid 60s. They are amazing people and many times, I have wished they were my own parents. Over all the years, they have never said one negative thing about me to my face or behind my back that I even know of. Even during all the problems my uBPDw and I have faced over our 9 years (Separations/Adultery accusations), they have been very supportive. They have always known their daughter has anger/rage/depression issues. So after she tells me she wishes at least one of her parents would come down, I told her she should let her parents know. She wrote and email to her Mom and later that evening, her Mother said she would be down the following day and her Dad would remain at home. So this was a good thing, her Mom would come down and help out with the kids and for some emotional support for uBPDw while I am at work during the day. Well, during all of this, we had been keeping my 10 yo stepson home from school because he developed pink eye. Last week was his final week of school. Pink eye, with 3 other kids in the house is a dangerous combination. We tried to do all that we could to minimize the damage. My MIL arrived and things were looking up. I felt a little better going to work that day knowing my MIL would be there offering help and support.

Well, my kids are 11S, 10StepS, 5D, 2D. My oldest suffers from high functioning autism. They thought it to be Asperger's Disease. If you haven't heard of it, a good way to describe it, is the beginnings of BPD IMO. My 11S has always had emotional issues. He screams and stomps, slams and cries when things don't go his way. He is easily frustrated over simple things. He demands strict adherence to rules when playing sports or games. When you don't follow them, he rages out. We had to pull him from school because he was suspended twice in 2 months, even with an IEP (Specialized program in place for him at school to help cope with the autism). So he has been home schooled since October of last year. The kid is smart, knows many things about animals.

So things had been going ok this week. uBPDw has been really trying to induce this labor herself. I bought her a stability ball the other day that she can use to sit and bounce on to try to get the baby to drop. It started to bring on contractions Wednesday night but to no avail. So yesterday, I messaged her a couple times in the morning as I usually do to check in and this is how it went:

Me: How ya feeling babe?

Her: Oh its super fun around here

Me: Is it really? Or is that sarcasm?

Her: S11 needs to move out

Her: I have lost my mind on him. Scared my mom. She went up (stairs) and I have no idea what to do from here. Im done.

Her: I am abt (about) ready to grab the lizard (S11s beared dragon) from the cage and smash a window and throw him out of it.

Her: I really dont want this life and I dont want to be here anymore.

Me: Ok, I'm headed home.

Her: If u see my mom u can give her the ok to go home. If you see S11 just keep him away from me. Im in bed trying to get D5 to nap.

Me: Ok. I feared he would cause an issue soon. His attitude has been ramping up as of late.

About 30 min later I get home. When I walk in the door, my MIL and both sons are downstairs getting lunch. I asked my MIL, what happened. This is where I really felt floored.

She said my S11 and SS10 were arguing as usual while my uBPDw was putting my D2 down for a nap upstairs. At some point, my S11 called my SS10 retarded and my uBPDw yelled at him to come upstairs. She cursed at him for saying that to my SS10 and he responded by stomping off to his room while she was trying to get our D2 down still. uBPDw went downstairs and could hear my S11 stomping his foot on the floor and so she ran upstairs and S11 was lying on the floor with a blanket over his head kicking his foot on the floor repeatedly. At this point, I was told uBPDw screamed at him that "he needs to move out" "she doesn't want him there anymore." My MIL also stated that it sounded like uBPDw said she wanted S11 dead. MIL also said uBPDw kicked S11 in the back to shut him up.

It was all very breathtaking for me. I felt punched in the stomach. How was I going to handle this. Another thing I hadn't mentioned is that earlier in the week, when I had a private moment talking to MIL, I told her about my discovery of BPD with her daughter. For many years, I have had some talks with her parents about her issues. MIL said my wifes sister had actually come across that term a while back and wondered if my wife had it. So yesterday after all this, I looked at my MIL and said "Now you have actually gotten to see the real nightmare of it." She was upset, I could tell. We discussed some options. Basically MIL was going to leave today and take S11 and SS10 with her back home and then return after about a day with my FIL as well for added support. The sad part is, they were supposed to go on a camping trip next week for a week starting Monday. The campsite is in a remote area and cell reception is pretty non existent. That was another reason uBPDw was stressing and wanting the baby to be born now. Well, when I mentioned the camping trip to MIL, she had already stated it's been cancelled. It was cancelled, due to my wifes behavior.

A couple hours later, I received a text. uBPDw said "Im awake up here just not coming out". I went upstairs and had a talk with her. I asked what happened, she reiterated what MIL told me but she claimed she never said anything about wanting S11 dead or wishing he was dead. She didn't mention the kick, so I brought it up. She looked at me and said "I did do that." But she said she didn't know she got him in the back as he was wearing the blanket over his body kicking the floor in protest. She said she was trying to kick him in the butt to get his attention. I told her that we can't do that. It's abuse and we can't get sucked into S11s emotions. The funny thing is, the whole time I was trying to talk to her about how to handle S11, I felt as if I was telling her how I deal with her. When I was saying all this, she at one point said "Well, this isn't my fault and I'm not going to be treated this way." Such a frigging BPD statement if I ever heard one. She was still embarrassed at her actions. She was embarrassed that her Mom saw/heard all of this. She wasn't coming downstairs.

So I took the kids out back and let them play with a sprinkler uBPDw bought them a couple days ago. They were having a good time and I hoped uBPDw would come downstairs and talk to her Mom inside while we played outside. When I went in, it was just MIL sitting on the couch. By now, I'm starting to get pissed off. Trying to stay calm, but very hard considering her actions all day. I went upstairs to put on shoes so I could go get dinner. She said she went downstairs and sat down and her Mom didn't speak to her. She didn't say anything to her Mom though so basically, she went downstairs and sat down waiting for her Mom to make the first move... .So at that, she went back upstairs to sulk. She told me we had some things in the freezer to make so I just said fine and started that. She came downstairs and grabbed some chicken tenders from the freezer and set them on the counter as I walked in from the garage. I looked at her and said "is that going to be enough?", there were only 5 tenders in there. She said "I guess." So by this point, I'm pretty ticked. I grabbed the bag and said "I guess we'll have enough for the kids at least." At this point, she grabs her phone and back upstairs she goes. I go upstairs to find out what happened (shouldn't have, I know but I've been doing the right things for hours now and I'm just exhausted and want it to be done.) She said I seemed disinterested in her coming downstairs and so she was just going back up to be alone. I told her I just wanted to include her in everything downstairs and not to let S11 win with how he reacted earlier in the day. She said "Well, I was trying to make little progress here and there by coming downstairs, I know you don't get that I had a tough day". I arched my eyebrow and started to shake. I said ":)id you just say I don't get that you had a tough day?" She replied "Yup" and I just nodded and walked out of the room. I make dinner and get the kids fed. uBPDw comes back downstairs after they finish eating and she interacts with her Mom and kids. Has a calm, sweet voice and I think "hopefully she is finally over everything." She comes in the kitchen while I'm cleaning up but the look on her face tells me, she isn't calm, her anger has just all shifted to me. So I just keep cleaning up and she grabs a fly swatter off the counter and just drops it onto the floor. I pick it up and put it where it belongs, as I'm doing this, she asks where the Lysol wipes are. I look around for a second in the kitchen as we usually have them out on the kitchen counter and before I answer she storms off coming back with them in her hand and says "Oh, so much fun being down here" in a sarcastic tone. I'm not going to lie, at this point, I was ready to smash her across the face with the Lysol wipes. I have had enough, but that is not me. We all just have those moments where we want to do something ridiculous in protest. So I said "what is fun?" She moved her hand in a ridiculous circle in my direction, indicating me. That was enough for me. I went upstairs and layed in the bed for peace.

She texted me about 30min later and said:

"So I hadn't eaten all day, which im sure contributed to my moodiness. Sorry for causing u grief."

I replied "thank you" and went downstairs. The rest of the night seemed to go ok, but I can tell she has a hurricane going on in her mind. When she was upstairs getting our daughters down for bed, my MIL looked at me last night and asked if she thought uBPDw would be ok with her taking S11 and SS10 with her home for a day or two. I told her that during my conversation with my wife earlier, she wasn't going to let the boys leave the house, that they "don't deserve to go anywhere". I told MIL that it would be best if she asked my wife if she had any ideas to help with the stress. If she doesn't have any ideas than MIL can suggest her idea of taking the boys with her for a couple days back home. I also at this time, told my MIL about this website and to look it over when she got home. As I went into the kitchen, my MIL was getting ready to go to sleep and I heard some of the conversation. I caught her saying "let me take the boys with me and we'll come back in a day or 2 with your father as well for more help" I heard my wife say "no, that isn't happening you have your camping trip anyway" At this point, I went out to the garage to use my electronic cigarette to give them a min. When I came back inside after a few min, it was just my wife sitting in the living room on her phone. I asked what they talked about, she just shook her head. I asked her how she was feeling, she said "fine". I asked if she wanted to talk about anything, she said "no". I asked if her Mom was leaving in the morning and she said "I hope so." So at that point, I kissed her on the cheek, said I love you and went to sleep.

Sorry for the lost post, I wanted to put as much into this as possible so you all can almost feel as if you were a fly on the wall. I don't know what to do honestly. I know I messed up somethings on several points. But I was just done with that whole day. I don't know if her Mom is indeed leaving today. I don't know if she is going to convince uBPDw to allow the boys to go with her. I don't know if she is going to leave solo and come back in a couple days with FIL. I think after witnessing the events of yesterday and the fact she cancelled her camping trip, she understands where my wife is at mentally right now. So I'm just sitting at work wondering what this whole weekend is going to entail... .to be honest, I'm scared.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hmcbart]

I feel for you and understand a little of what your going through. When my wife was pregnant with s8, that's the closest to actually leaving I've ever come. I didn't know about BPD at the time and the only way I knew to deal with it was to accept the blame for everything. That seemed to be the only way to keep from being raged at.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job.

[CastleofGlass]

I feel for you and understand a little of what your going through. When my wife was pregnant with s8, that's the closest to actually leaving I've ever come. I didn't know about BPD at the time and the only way I knew to deal with it was to accept the blame for everything. That seemed to be the only way to keep from being raged at.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job.

Hmcbart-This is exactly how I was during our first two pregnancies. I married into my first 2 kids with her so I have only been through the last 3 out of 5. Our first pregnancy was horrible, there is info about that one in my intro post link to the left. Needless to say, cops were called and uBPDw was charged with Domestic Assault against me at 8 months pregnant. We stayed separated for almost 3 months and TBH, I didn't think I'd take her back at the time. I actually told her at one point during the 3 month break that I didn't think I was in love with her anymore. Ultimately, the birth of my daughter and not wanting to fail the kids would trigger my acceptance for a 2nd chance.

During our 2nd pregnancy, it had gotten pretty bad for me and I made a lot of poor choices during that period of time. I was trying to make this one really special because she hasn't really had a pregnancy without some kind of emotional drama. It hasn't gone very well at all.

[CastleofGlass]

*UPDATE*

So I just received a text that makes me feel a little better at the moment.

Her: My mom wants to take the boys home for two days. And come back with my dad on sunday. I don't think the girls will love that idea. What do I do

Me: I think honestly, it's a great idea. If she is offering, than we should take it.

Her: What abt (about) the girls. Esp D5?

Me: Very stressful times right now and the boys are bored. I know it will suck for the girls, but maybe you tell them we can do something special today or tomorrow

Her: D5 keeps begging for chuck e cheese

Me: D2 will be fine but tell D5 this gives us a chance to do something together. I can take them tonight or tomorrow (to Chuck E' Cheese)

Me: We need this help. It will do us some good.

So it sounds like this might be going in the right direction. Her Mom definitely has seen the situation as needing more family support.

[GaGrl]

Just a thought... .nothing to do with BPD per second but could be an aggravating factor... .has anyone thing been said to your wife about gestational diabetes? Just wondering with the size of the baby and her reaction to not eating.

[CastleofGlass]

Just a thought... .nothing to do with BPD per second but could be an aggravating factor... .has anyone thing been said to your wife about gestational diabetes? Just wondering with the size of the baby and her reaction to not eating.

Yes, every pregnancy that I have been involved with with her she has had a few blood tests done periodically. Our last child, they actually said her blood sugar was low and she was given a meter to use a couple years ago. This time around, her blood sugar was fine both occasions.

[Hmcbart]

It's great to have the support of family during this. I've never had that option. Both of our family's live 16 hours away. I know she calls her mom a lot and I'm am always the bad guy in the conversation. So having MIL involved may be more of an enabler for my wife. I don't speak with my mom or family about any of this because she already feels my family thinks bad things about her (they don't that I know of). She has also said that if we lived near our family that she would have already left (I think because of the enabler thing).

I am learning that a lot of my fears of her visiting family for a month this July are personal codependent fears and abandonment fears on my part.

In your situation having MIL's support is great. I would use that life line as often as you can. Good luck with everything, it sounds like you are doing a great job of handling everything so far.

[takingandsending]

Dear CastleofGlass,

First, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for the incredibly difficult situation you had.

   

Apart from having caring and helpful in laws and more children in your family, it sounds as if our two households are very similar. The behaviors you described in your wife mirror almost exactly those of my wife. The sarcasm, the nursed hurts, the hiding upstairs, the retreat into her cell phone or Facebook page, the ongoing contest of wills with my oldest S9, the verbal abuse, the control and direction over food preparation, etc... I don't know that my wife has ever hit or kicked my son, as I only have her word on it. I know she has threatened him on many occasions.

My heart really goes out to you. Sometimes, you do what you have to do to simply keep the kids fed and relatively secure and happy. I want to give you some hope, though. Things can get better, but you are going to have to make changes. It's tough with the pregnancy, so I would, as much as possible, really lean on your in laws, church, neighbors, friends that you can to help give you the support that you need to be there for your children and your wife. From reading this post, it sounds as if the things that are hurting you the most are:

1) abusive behavior toward your S11.

2) sarcasm and minimization of the incredible efforts you are making to be a decent human being and supportive husband.

For the former, my T has told me in no uncertain terms that I have to be my children's advocate and protection in situations where my wife is dysregulated. She is no longer functioning with any level of reasoning, and as such, if I have to physically come between my wife and son, I will do it. I will not allow her to verbally or physically abuse them. Despite the incredible, uncontrolled rages my actions produced when I interceded, I did it because it had to become the new ground rules that abusive language or action toward the kids was not acceptable, invalidating or not.

For the latter, I totally get this. The heat, the desire to strike your wife, the anger boiling inside of you - I have been there and I still go there sometimes. The one thing that I have learned is to pay attention to myself. If I feel I am getting emotionally escalated due to my wife's words or actions, I leave. At first, I left in pure fury, blurting out that I would no longer accept aggressive or attacking language. Over time, as this boundary continued to be enforced, I now state things like, "Hey, I can see you are upset and hurt, and I can understand how bad that feels. I need to take some time to cool off. What you have to say is important, and I care, but I need to work on my own emotions right now. I will be back in 20 minutes." If she starts having a go at the kids, I take them with me. I know you have a lot of kids, but libraries, parks, pools, toy stores, hikes, drives  are your friends.

Your lack of boundaries and self-care right now are putting you into a really precarious situation, and one where your resentment and anger at your wife will only escalate. I am not suggesting any of this is easy or simple. You have a lot of moving parts in your family to work with. That's why it is really good that your in laws are available and willing to help. Lean on them. Lean on whoever you can. You need to begin the process of taking care of yourself first so that you can help out your family that desperately need you.

 

[CastleofGlass]

*UPDATE*

Wife texted and told me MIL and both boys left an hour and a half ago... .whew.


I appreciate the support and advice so far, thank you all so much. My MIL getting the OK to take my 2 oldest for a couple days almost feels like a Father's Day gift in itself. It's a couple days at least with less stress in the home. Our girls aren't as stressful so it will make things a little easier.

For the former, my T has told me in no uncertain terms that I have to be my children's advocate and protection in situations where my wife is dysregulated. She is no longer functioning with any level of reasoning, and as such, if I have to physically come between my wife and son, I will do it. I will not allow her to verbally or physically abuse them.

I have definitely already taken this statement on my own accord many years ago. That was why my wife was charged with domestic violence on me back in 2009. She had dysregulated to one of the worst states in our marriage and at the time, we were much younger in our marriage and BPD was not even something in either of our vocabularies. I just thought she was flipped out of her mind and a spoiled b*tch. So I made a couple comebacks to her insults on me and she couldn't take them. She dragged our boys who were 6 and 4 at the time out of bed and to her car and tried to buckle them in as she was going to go to her parents house 45 min away. The boys were screaming and crying not knowing what was going on. I went out to the car and unbuckled them as she was trying to put them in. She grabbed me from behind and clawed/punched/kicked at me and I told her I was not allowing her to take the kids while she was in that emotional state. I told her she could leave by herself if she wanted but the kids were not leaving. A neighbor drove by and slowed down and I yelled to them to call 911. The police arrived and I explained the situation. They could see how dysregulated she was and after other statements made she was charged but not arrested because she was pregnant with our D5 at the time. Her parents arrived and offered to take her and the kids to their house and she was given a 72 hour NC order. The sad part is, when her parents took her back to their house, she went to the hospital after and had the nurses take pictures of her bruises on her arms from me removing her from the vehicle when I was trying to get the kids out. She kept them so she could countercharge me. To this day, she keeps the images stored on the computer as she has been building a case on me for years. She does it with everyone in her life.

[CastleofGlass]

So, sounds like it is going to be a good thing so far. Just had a quick text session:

Me: When did they leave?

Her: 1130

Me: How are you feeling about it?

Her: Ok

Me: So any thoughts on dinner? If you wanted to go out or anything like that?

Her: Outback?

Me: Sounds good to me. I think we should capitalize on this short time with less kids

Her: There and CEC (Chuck E' Cheese)

Me: Sounds like a great evening!

Hopefully this all goes well. Another thing I need to work on is the anxiety I have developed as a result of dealing with a pwBPD. I always get anxious when going out in public as a family now because if one wrong thing happens, she dysregulates in public and it makes it more strenuous on me.

[takingandsending]

CofG,

I am so glad that the pressure valve has released for now.

Please keep thinking about the airplane oxygen mask example. You have to put the mask on yourself before you can help either your kids or your wife. I really struggle with this when it comes to my kids, but honestly, they are pretty resilient. If I don't get my own head straight, everything will be much worse.

What plans can you make for when your sons come back home? I would suggest SET when things are relatively calm with your wife re. the physical abuse. You need to give yourself enough space to really see it from her side and generate as much empathy as you can muster. "Yes! It is intensely frustrating when S11 dysregulates and throws tantrums. He is getting bigger and stronger, and it can be scary. I completely agree with you and can see how that puts you in an impossible spot. I think it works best when you call me in those moments of not knowing what to do [or "when you are getting upset"] so that I can be there to support you through it." Or "I think the most important thing either of us can do in that situation is to make sure the other kids are all safe and then give ourselves space away from the tantrum so that we can stay calm and not react."

Is this something that you think you can try (only if she is calm and receptive ... .do not try it if she is still emotionally escalated!)?

How do you think you can start to learn where your boundaries need to be to protect yourself and your children? If I am being a bit relentless, here, you can tell me to ease off. Our situations are so similar that it presses a lot of my buttons. But I really want things to improve for all of you. 

[CastleofGlass]

takingandsending-Thanks again for the support and kind words.   

I did utilize SET yesterday during a conversation uBPDw and I had when she originally had woken up. At the time, she was calm and receptive to my comments. She hadn't yet moved her projections on to me which is usually the end cycle of her dysregulations. So during that time, I did tell her how I can fully understand how S11 can get us to a breaking point. I even had told her at times I was known to grab him by the shirt to gain his attention and snap his focus to me. I also spoke of how we can't let his emotions rule our day (sound familiar?). I said her and I needed to work on what we can do during those situations to not let his emotions become ours because at the end of the day, we still have 3 other children with a 4th coming that also need our attention. I also spoke of the abuse and how it is wrong. We cannot allow any of our children to get us to that point. So, a work in progress T&S but I wanted to reiterate that I did touch on those subjects yesterday and not let them go untouched.

[CastleofGlass]

Time to log off and head on out. Hopefully it's a good evening with all the plans we have before us tonight. I will be trying to keep my anxiety in check and just enjoy the evening with my wife and 2 beautiful daughters. The boys and in-laws will return on Fathers Day so even if it things do go wrong between now and then at least both of my wifes parents will be back soon. I don't look for them to "save" me, but I do look for them to help in guarding the kids as I do, especially when I am not around.

[takingandsending]

I know you are doing lion hearted work, there.  

It is just so tough to have to deal with a true child and an adult child going at it, hammer and tongs. My wife belittles my S9 for having abandonment issues.  

I live with her telling me about his inability to express what he is feeling, being unable to take care of his emotional needs and for acting out his feelings on the rest of us, and, yes, I think to myself how can you not see that this is exactly your behavior?

Oddly enough, when my wife was away for 8 days, my son really thrived and stayed very regulated. It is heart wrenching, but I am determined to get him and be the support and help that he needs to arrest the BPD path before it cripples him.

[vortex of confusion]

Just a thought... .nothing to do with BPD per second but could be an aggravating factor... .has anyone thing been said to your wife about gestational diabetes? Just wondering with the size of the baby and her reaction to not eating.

Yes, every pregnancy that I have been involved with with her she has had a few blood tests done periodically. Our last child, they actually said her blood sugar was low and she was given a meter to use a couple years ago. This time around, her blood sugar was fine both occasions.

I was thinking more along the lines toxemia. If she is this late in the pregnancy, she is probably going in once a week and it is pretty routine to make sure that there is no protein in her urine. I developed pre-eclampsia with my first daughter and there was a lot of swelling and stuff. That was my first thought.

Subsequent pregnancies can often lead to big babies. Carrying a big baby can be very, very stressful, especially this late in the game. Eating is difficult because there just isn't any friggin' room in there because all of your organs are crammed around to accommodate the baby. (My biggest was 9 lbs 14 oz.) I can't imagine trying to put up with a very pregnant wife with BPD in the mix.

 

[Mel1968]

CastleofGlass

Our stories are in no way similar,( and in fact, I'm usually on the Leaving board but have just come on here to have a look because my uBPDexgf is wanting me back and I'm considering the reality of it)

but I just wanted to send you the biggest hug and to wish you a gentle weekend... .I can hear that you feel that you haven't done everything as well as you could, and I'm sure there's always something that could be better/more helpful etc, but you sound like you're doing amazingly in such very difficult circumstances... .be proud of yourself... .it sounds to me that your wife and kids are lucky to have you - and your MIL!

Happy Fathers Day when it comes

Mel  

[CastleofGlass]

I can't imagine trying to put up with a very pregnant wife with BPD in the mix.

Yes, it puts an interesting spin on things VoC. Sometimes it is difficult to differentiate between BPD and just plain hormones. What makes this more difficult, is my s11 being autistic (high spectrum). Smart kid, can be very helpful. He almost speaks like a young adult at times. But, when he is told no for something, or his brother who knows how to push his buttons decides to do just that, it becomes a nightmare of its own. So couple my s11 having an outburst and then my pregnant dysregulated wife and many times I am ready to just give up on everything.

[CastleofGlass]

So, I am happy to report, this was an amazing weekend and much needed. When I had gotten home Friday afternoon, I didn't know what to expect. My s11 and ss10 were gone as was my MIL. Wife was in ok spirits. I could tell she had the events of the prior day in her mind. We decided to capitalize on only having 2 kids and went out at least once everyday. Friday we went to Outback steakhouse and it was so relaxing. Our girls 5 and 2 were pretty calm and it was just a great dinner. Afterwards, we took them both to Chuck E' Cheese and even that was great! Had a blast with the girls doing games and the little rides they had.

There were a few times where my wife was questioning her mothers reasoning for going home to "retrieve" her father for reinforcements. I mostly listened and didn't offer up much to the conversation. In truth, I know why and so does my wife. But, she still wanted to see what I would say to it. What I did say though, was that "we can't really try to guess as to why your Mom wanted to go back and get your Dad to bring here. We can make assumptions but honestly, we should just take the help whenever offered." I know she is also upset because her parents had a camping trip planned this week. Had been planned for months. Very disappointing that my wifes dysregularity had caused her mother to not feel comfortable going away for a week and remain with us. Through the weekend, my wife would call her parents to check  on our sons. She would get off the phone and just mention that her parents seem irritated. She would blame herself. Fact of the matter is, she knows deep down why her parents are both coming. She knows why her parents canceled the camping trip. But I didn't want to agree to those statements when made from her. I did validate. I told her how I can understand why she would feel that way.

The rest of the weekend had gone just as great as Friday. Both my girls were cheerful and calm for the most part Sat and Sun. We went out to the mall on Saturday to get my FIL a Fathers Day gift and then yesterday we went out just to grab dinner and bring it back. I had forgotten how easy only having 2 kids is. So much easier and less stress.

[Surg_Bear]

Friday we went to Outback steakhouse and it was so relaxing. Our girls 5 and 2 were pretty calm and it was just a great dinner. Afterwards, we took them both to Chuck E' Cheese and even that was great! Had a blast with the girls doing games and the little rides they had.

Suburban Americana.

Bliss.

Except, in our family the Outback has been re-named the "Outbreak" because of how terrible we feel from over-eating there.  There is one back home in Ohio where we go to be with family on major holidays (Easter and Christmas).  Luckily, there is no Outback where we live now.

Getting a pwBPD out in public CAN often settle down a dysregulation episode- at least I find this to be true with my wife.  Going out to eat is like a "time-out" (except that I don't have to leave for safety) and if we have a really fun time as a family- laugh and carry on with the kids being silly, then when we get back home, the dysregulation may not return in such full-on heated force.

Have a great day, everyone.

Surg_Bear

[Sunfl0wer]

I am aware of what Asperger's syndrome is... .

How is S11 processing all of this?  Has someone told him that they are sorry for what happened?  That it is not ok to be kicked?  Did the other kids witness this? 

Being a literal kid, he can internalize and come to the conclusion that in this house, when we are frustrated... .we threaten to kill pets and kick those we are mad at. (Depending on what he heard, has seen)  In this house... .the person who dysregulates the greatest wins... .gets more attention... .etc.

If this is the emotion that is around him, it is no wonder he is finding it challenging.  He is neurologically wired to have difficulties with emotional regulation... .and it does not sound like step mom is a model for this skill to him.  It is something he has the potential to mature and manage... .but that would be a greater challenge if someone in his environment is hating him... .or wishing I'll will to him in some way.

He could be getting the message that when step mom is angry at him... .he must leave.

Are you able to find a way to express to him that he is a priority... .important... .should never accept abuse from anyone?  He may even need to be taught to call 911... .esp if he is to be left alone with her.

[CastleofGlass]

Sorry for the late reply Sunfl0wer. I apologize for the lack of clarity in my story. My uBPDw is the biological mother for all of our children. My wife had 2 different sons from 2 different men prior to meeting me. My S11s biological father was a druggie and ended up having no interest in his sons life at all. I adopted him about 4 years after marrying my wife. My SS10s father is still around and even took us to court a couple years ago to have his son take his last name and won. He is a real piece of work but that is a story for another time.

My wife does take all of her actions hard the day after and for a while. She broke down into tears over the weekend before the boys came back and told me she doesn't think S11 should come back. She is afraid he will hate her. I explained to her how they seem to share an emotional connection. I even made some statements on how to cope with him using some of the methodology from this website. Even though it's not BPD he has... .yet.

[mindwise]

CastleofGlass,

Just a quick note to let you know I think you're doing very well.

Stay strong and keep posting here.

Best wishes

[CastleofGlass]

mindwise-Thank you for the kind words. 

I'm really having a tough time trying to remain calm and understanding lately. It is always a toss up when I wake up as to what kind of day it will be. I know everyone feels that way here. I just try to remain calm and keep moving forward. Last night, my wife told me she wanted to take a drive up the road and I asked if she wanted me to accompany her. She said "if you want" and so I took the opportunity to have a brief few minutes alone with her. I asked how she was feeling and she responded "I am mad at you." I asked her why and she told me she is worried this baby we are having is going to destroy her body and that I will find someone else to sleep with. Unfortunately, I made some poor choices in the last few years that has further pushed this emotion on to her. I didn't sleep with anyone, but I did reach out to two females in the past to talk to when times were tough. She found out about both and it has been rough ever since.

I listened to her thoughts and did apologize for bringing those issues into our marriage. I told her that her and the kids are my world and I wouldn't give that up for anything. I kept a lot of my thoughts to a minimum, basically making bullet statements rather than in depth discussion. The only in depth statements I made were those of the changes I had been making myself over the years and how good I feel about it. It went ok for the most part, she never lashed out, seemed receptive of my comments even though she never actually responded to any of them (I have learned not to expect feedback at all in these situations unless it is negativity coming from her).

[mindwise]

I'm really having a tough time trying to remain calm and understanding lately. It is always a toss up when I wake up as to what kind of day it will be. I know everyone feels that way here. I just try to remain calm and keep moving forward.

I feel this way every single day. If you can find some time to exercise or practice yoga/meditation, talk to friends, that's a great way to return to baseline. Also, reading posts from other members helps a lot. Keep moving forward and stay centered.