POLL: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for giving me much to think of. 

Ok, I fully intended to get back to this to see what I come up with…

Also based on other things in your post, this sounds like a possible coping mechanism you developed as a child, quite possibly to numb yourself to allow you to survive. Would you say this is an accurate assessment?

Yes, this is true.

Something that helps me feel 'alive' and connected to the present moment and reality, is intense physical exercise such as running. If you aren't doing this already, perhaps physical exercise can help you too. I find that it can also be used in combination with mindfulness when you try to focus your mind on the physical activity and truly try to become one with what you're doing.

This is excellent advice!  Yes, I need to be reminded, physical activity certainly helps loads!

The general message that she conveyed, that I repeat to myself is: I'm worthless.  My worth is only tied into what I can give of myself to another.  It’s never enough!

Do you feel that some part of you still believes there is some validity in this message conveyed to you by your mother? Or is it more that it's become somewhat of a habit of repeating this to yourself and that when you notice it you are easily able to dismiss this negative thought?

It feels more like an ingrained default way of interacting with the world most times.  More like a role I’ve assumed and have to be aware to not fall into.

Yes.  I have been conditioned to expect/anticipate a certain amount of suffering and guilt to be the norm.

How do you feel having these negative expectations has affected your behavior? Do you feel like you make different choices because of the suffering you fear will occur?

It causes me to procrastinate often.  I wait for the intense feeling of fear before acting on certain things.  I busy myself and am often “behind” as a way to work and feel motivated to do so, or else, I take on more than I can manage.  This sets me up to never feel like I’m “on top” of things and comfy.  I deny myself free/recreation time as there is always something else I must do.  Any free time I do take, I “steal” from myself by myself finally reaching a mental/physical limit and feel ill…and I get a “sick” day to stay in bed after working 4weeks 7days a week.

Depending on who was in front of me, I could contribute by giving of myself in different ways. (ie: conversation, favors, etc.) _{(It was different than a parent expecting emotional soothing…not that at all)}

I find this very interesting! In a way it seems that the 'you' shown to the world then always depended on who was in front of you. Do you feel like you've also been able to find and show the real you? If so, in what circumstances were you able to do so?

I actually do feel that I show the real me.  I am being me, just being me and cleaning something or offering to be useful in some way.

It's clear from what you say here that you were taught to believe your self-worth was solely determined by what you could do for others. When you consider other people, do you feel like they also only have worth to the extent that they do things for others? Or do you feel like this 'earning of your worth' only applies to you?

I really appreciate you posing this question to me.  I would never ever want anyone to feel they have to earn their worth around me.  Actually, I am pretty adamant when others appear to act this way, I set them straight and I am quick to do so.  I will think on this more, why it is “ok” for me, but not others?

Thanks Parrots love interacting with talking sunflowers you know

  Thanks!

[Turkish]

SF, I'm also a procrastinator. I don't know if I fail fear, per se, but sometime fear of failure? Some of it has to do with social anxiety, or anxiety in general. I've pretty much kicked booty in my career for two decades, but there is a really big project I've let slide the past two years. Part of it is fear that I can't deliver (the whole BPD thing the past two years hasn't helped!).

At home... .its fear I can't do simple things. I'm7 a freaking engineer. I fix stuff at work. Trouble shoot. Yet for sometimes simple home repairs, I'm impotent or neglectful.

I think crises drives me to get stuff done. I used to replace components on my Ex's car. When the washer hose blew, I turned it over, got tubing from the local box store. When it didn't work, I sought out a small shop so I could order the OEM hose, the only one which would fit, and replaced it, easy peasy. But we couldn't do laundry, so it was a crisis. However, when I bought the house, I had trouble doing something as simple as drillng holes properly to hang new curtain rods. This sounds pathetic, but my Ex and I even argued, and thought about hiring the guys who remodled the bathroom to come do it. She loved me for not being what was in her view the typical man from her culture (a cheater and beater), yet shamed me for not being capable of home remodeling like those guys tend to be. I froze.

I hung the stupid curtain rods (afterwards finding out that you need anchors to hold screws in sheetrock if you weren't drilling into studs... .my uBPDx lacked mercy and patience). So maybe I passively play The Waif? This is simple stuff. Youtube, home depot. There are people who can tell you this stuff.

The celing fan, only a few years old, shorted the other night. The light portion, not the fan portion. Part of me wants to call someone to fix it. Yet it is only 4 screws to pull ff the housing. I know how to use a volt meter (I even taught my 5 yo how to use it to check the voltage in the batteries for his toys). If its a shorted wire, I can deal with that. I do this at work, wiring, soldering. I can run million dollar electron and ion microscopes to find nanometer sized defects. Yet here?

My stupid inner voice tells me:

I'm not a man.

My inner Waif tells me:

I'm not a man because I never had a father thanks to my addict birth parents, and my BPD mom who used to tell me "I'm your Father and your Mother," Thus, I have an excuse to play Waif.

The reality:

Having been abandoned (again), I'm a single father slightly more than half the time. I'm responsible for both what works in my life and what doesn't.

The conundrum:

So what's the block?

I can blame the inner critic on others, maybe like "beware the monsters of the Id," and there is a little truth to that. However, as an adult, I know that I'm fully responsible for myself. No me is responsible for my feelings but me.

[Kwamina]

"To fight aloud is very brave,

But gallanter, I know,

Who charge within the bosom,

The cavalry of woe."

--

Emily Dickinson


Some words of inspiration to help fend off the inner critic

[polly87]

Hi again!
Kwamina, thanks for reminding me of this thread. It's interesting to revisit this. I've been having trouble to stop negative thoughts lately. They really like it up in my brain late at night.

1.   When you look at your own situation would you say that you sometimes find yourself struggling with a overly negative or self-critical inner voice?

Yeah, especially when I'm tired. It says things to me like: "Hey Polly, what are you going to do when this nice new bf leaves you? How are you going to deal with that? I know he said today that he wants the r/s to last, but what about your shortcomings? What do you think he's going to do when you cry or get stressed out too often? And what about money? I'm sure you don't think you'll ever be able to buy a new car when this one breaks down? And where are you going to live when your landlord sells your anti-squatting house that you like so much? Speaking of bad luck, when do you think your dad's going to die? And you still haven't said to him you'd want him to quit the chain-smoking. Oh and speaking of death, fat chance you're going to die alone if you continue like this... ." The list goes on... .you get the idea.

2.   If you do, where do you think this inner voice/critic comes from? Is it really yourself talking or could it perhaps be that you've internalized the negative or critical voice of your parents, siblings, in-laws etc.?

My mother used to say about my r/s with my ex that it wouldn't last three years. And it lasted two years and seven months. Just saying.
She used to torture me emotionally when I had strong feelings. As a kid I was punished phyisically when I was angry and later on she'd give me hell emotionally, exhausting me through the night when I had to get up early just to punish me for feeling something. She'd give out the message that she was better than me because she had control of her feelings. This stuff made me believe that I will be hated when I have strong (negative) emotions. It still affects me a lot.

3.   Can you identify any of the listed forms of distorted or warped thinking in your own thinking patterns?

All or none thinking: Thoughts like "I'll never be able to hold down a r/s"
Mental filter and disqualifying the positive: the fact that my bf said he wants to stay with me is overshadowed by the fear that he'll leave me because I can't deal with emotions.
Mind reading: I believe my bf thinks negatively about me showing emotions.
The fortune teller error: Thoughts like: "He'll break up with me... .I'll end up alone with a dozen cats"
Emotional reasoning: I feel upset and I think that makes bad things happen. It's a circle.
Should statements: I feel like I should not get upset about things.

4.   How do you deal with your negative inner voice? Have you found ways to effectively talk back to your inner critic?

I have learned that things seem better in the morning. I remind myself that I'll look at the issue again in the morning and almost always it seems clearer and not so bad. I also remind myself that my mother doesn't even live in Europe anymore, so there's no need for her to live in my mind either.
Besides that, I pray and I let God talk back to my inner critic, and He always says: "I forgive everything" which is one of the best replies to one who is upset.

[Kwamina]

And thank you for coming back here polly

I've been having trouble to stop negative thoughts lately. They really like it up in my brain late at night.
... .
I have learned that things seem better in the morning. I remind myself that I'll look at the issue again in the morning and almost always it seems clearer and not so bad.

Yes that has been my experience too, late at night when you are all alone and have time to think definitely seems to be a time when the inner critic loves to go on the attack. Fortunately we can try to explore techniques such as CBT to start pouncing back It is difficult though but you make a very good point about how things might seem better in the morning. I sometimes say if it's a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow. Something similar can be said here, if it doesn't seem as bad in the morning as it did last night, it probably never was that bad at all.

Yeah, especially when I'm tired.

I also find it very important what you mention here about particularly struggling with an overly negative or critical inner voice when you are tired. This reminds me of something that is said in mindfulness practice about Wise Mind:
"Emotion(al) Mind can be aggravated by: Illness, Lack Of Sleep, Tiredness, Drugs, Alcohol, Hungry, Bloating, Overeating, Poor nutrition and/or lack of exercise, Environmental stress and threats".

Tiredness and the other things mentioned are all factors that can make us particularly vulnerable to the inner critic. It can greatly help us then not only to identify the specific automatic negative thoughts, but also to identify the potential factors such as tiredness that can make us more susceptible to these thoughts and try to take pro-active steps to fortify our inner defenses.

I also remind myself that my mother doesn't even live in Europe anymore, so there's no need for her to live in my mind either.

This is very significant indeed that she does not live in Europe anymore. How did it make you feel when she left?

Besides that, I pray and I let God talk back to my inner critic, and He always says: "I forgive everything" which is one of the best replies to one who is upset.

I am glad your faith has helped and comforted you

[mssalty]

Yes.  All of it sounds familiar, and honestly, it's probably why I am where I am today.   

[Kwamina]

Hi mssalty

A slightly belated response to your post.

Dr. Burns' ten forms of distorted thinking sounded very familiar to you and at the time you said it was probably why you were at where you were.

How are things now?

Looking back at where you were two years ago, do you see any positive changes in your way of thinking an handling things?

The Board Parrot