Today's her birthday, not as triggered as I thought I would be

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I wanted to thank you all.

During the raw days following the b/u (about a month ago) I would ruminate on all the good aspects of the relationship as well as missed future memories. Today was going to be the surprise bday I had been planning with her best friend -- we had the cake ready as well as friends from the area who would surprise her after work. I checked the forecast tonight and it's going to be a beautiful summer day. While it was sad to think about it this morning, it was just a fleeting thought. Last night I was reconnecting with some friends and realized that my ex has friends in the area. I am sure she will be able to recover in good company and ultimately it is not my concern.

I've been really taking care of me these days and am currently reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and it's been extremely helpful. Realizing that if I wanted the relationship to work, I would need to stay in the relationship fully knowing that it's my choice to be a caretaker role for the pwBPD. With the emotions detaching I even started to forgive myself for going n/c. I know it was selfish, but then again it also works for me. Maybe when I'm fully healed I could revive the friendship (I was friends with my ex for 10 years before we had dated for about 6 months). I realize that the values we did share would work on a friendship basis, but would not work in a romantic setting. <--- that felt really great to write out and share with you all. I read some journals from a month ago and man I was in a world of pain and anger!

That's where I am today, a little sad I can't attend my best friend's birthday, but empowered by all the insights I've learned the past month with you all.

have a beautiful weekend y'all

[rotiroti]

I wanted to thank you all.

During the raw days following the b/u (about a month ago) I would ruminate on all the good aspects of the relationship as well as missed future memories. Today was going to be the surprise bday I had been planning with her best friend -- we had the cake ready as well as friends from the area who would surprise her after work. I checked the forecast tonight and it's going to be a beautiful summer day. While it was sad to think about it this morning, it was just a fleeting thought. Last night I was reconnecting with some friends and realized that my ex has friends in the area. I am sure she will be able to recover in good company and ultimately it is not my concern.

I've been really taking care of me these days and am currently reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and it's been extremely helpful. Realizing that if I wanted the relationship to work, I would need to stay in the relationship fully knowing that it's my choice to be a caretaker role for the pwBPD. With the emotions detaching I even started to forgive myself for going n/c. I know it was selfish, but then again it also works for me. Maybe when I'm fully healed I could revive the friendship (I was friends with my ex for 10 years before we had dated for about 6 months). I realize that the values we did share would work on a friendship basis, but would not work in a romantic setting. <--- that felt really great to write out and share with you all. I read some journals from a month ago and man I was in a world of pain and anger!

That's where I am today, a little sad I can't attend my best friend's birthday, but empowered by all the insights I've learned the past month with you all.

have a beautiful weekend y'all

[Visitor]

I wanted to thank you all.

Maybe when I'm fully healed I could revive the friendship (I was friends with my ex for 10 years before we had dated for about 6 months). I realize that the values we did share would work on a friendship basis, but would not work in a romantic setting.

I'm yet to hear of one... ONE... single story of a BPD relationship that has been recycled/re-packaged as a friendship and has worked out.

After my BPD relationship I was left my a young woman (causing narcissistic injury) which threw me back into a relationship “as friends” with my BPD. It didn’t last long until everything was completely back to normal and we were back in the drama phase. I was split black (thank god) and never heard from the disorder again.

I often hear a lot of people advising others not to go back and try to reconcile things but I disagree. I think they need to go back and try this just to realise how over it really is. This in most cases kills the fantasy and denial they are in, and squashes any embers left of the disordered relationship.

When this happened to me I started to question why I found it so hard to cut off a relationship. Why I was afraid to be alone. People often tell a long term partner they want to be friends but what is the real motive?... is it some kind of narcissistic supply?... are you afraid of being alone?.

I believe that as long as the disorder is in your life the more the core healing process will be delayed. My inability to cut off a relationship DEAD definitely came from how I was treated as a child.

Try to make friends with her/the disorder, realise this makes things worse then cut her out and start to heal.

[rotiroti]

Hey Visitor  , Thank for the reply! You brought up many good points I've been mauling over few days since I made this post. I'll reply in-line:

When this happened to me I started to question why I found it so hard to cut off a relationship. Why I was afraid to be alone. People often tell a long term partner they want to be friends but what is the real motive?... is it some kind of narcissistic supply?... are you afraid of being alone?.

Ever since the b/u and n/c I was fully determined to detach and cut everything out. My BPDex was a friend of mine for 8 years and romantic partner for about 8 months. Thanks to SWoE and this forum I was able to recognize the signs early on and leave/initiate n/c. I had been hurting since but have been really looking into myself to make the changes to heal. Afterall, we only have control over our own thoughts and behaviors.

I think on her birthday I was feeling a bit vulnerable, and you questioning the real motive of 'staying friends' brings up a really good point. What is the real motive? I think back to my ex and realize she was still friends and in contact with her FIRST boyfriend from 10 years ago, and the same with most of her partners since then. I remember at the beginning of the breakup that I didn't want to join their ranks. Sure my ex is fun and staying friendly with an ex is the mature thing to do these days, but those rules do not apply here.

I think if I'm afraid of anything, it's also that I lost a friend of many years, but i know to continue with my core healing i must be firm... .on a side note, there was a time a few years she tried to seduce me despite my requests not to as I was in another relationship. I had cut her out of my life for the following year and I remember the relief i felt at the time. So why shouldn't I continue that right?

I believe that as long as the disorder is in your life the more the core healing process will be delayed. My inability to cut off a relationship DEAD definitely came from how I was treated as a child.

Oh man. Me too, it's difficult for me to let go completely. I've done it in the past and I think they were all the right choices when I reflect on them. Have you improved on this since? Any advice or insight you can share about this?

Try to make friends with her/the disorder, realise this makes things worse then cut her out and start to heal.

Definitely. I think on her birthday was about a month after the breakup and n/c I initiated. I was hoping I was further along the healing path but now I have more to think about. Thanks visitor!