Need Ideas on How to Stop Beating Myself Up

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Sorry to monopolize this board but I don't know where else to go.

The biggest hurdle for me is to see my own worth again.  It is causing most of my depression and pain.

When I had a regular T she was uber-logical and would tell me I was getting something out of the r/s and when it wasn't worth the cost then I would get out.  I was never able to address how to see my own worth again. It was through the VA and she had to drop me from the program (the next day the exgf called... .out of the blue after 9 mos no contact).

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person.  

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

[nowwhatz]

Sorry to monopolize this board but I don't know where else to go.

The biggest hurdle for me is to see my own worth again.  It is causing most of my depression and pain.

When I had a regular T she was uber-logical and would tell me I was getting something out of the r/s and when it wasn't worth the cost then I would get out.  I was never able to address how to see my own worth again. It was through the VA and she had to drop me from the program (the next day the exgf called... .out of the blue after 9 mos no contact).

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person.  

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nowwhatz, Perhaps you could start by treating yourself well, with kindness and respect.  Your r/s with yourself, in my view, comes first and foremost.  LuckyJim

[nowwhatz]

Hey nowwhatz, Perhaps you could start by treating yourself well, with kindness and respect.  Your r/s with yourself, in my view, comes first and foremost.  LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

How do I treat myself with kindness and respect if I don't feel deserving of such?  I guess I am having a hard time understanding the concept. Thank you.

[Alberto]

Sorry to monopolize this board but I don't know where else to go.

The biggest hurdle for me is to see my own worth again.  It is causing most of my depression and pain.

When I had a regular T she was uber-logical and would tell me I was getting something out of the r/s and when it wasn't worth the cost then I would get out.  I was never able to address how to see my own worth again. It was through the VA and she had to drop me from the program (the next day the exgf called... .out of the blue after 9 mos no contact).

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person.  

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

If you don't already, go to the gym and bulk. I can't stress enough how big the impact is, not only you're more confident when your body looks better, but lifting weights has a very positive impact on mood.

After that, just keep trying, even if it doesn't feel natural, ask girls out, you can't get out from where you are without a little risk.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nowwhatz, I suggest that you start from the premise that you are worthy, and always have been.  LJ

[rlhmm]

hey, if you can find threads by "anxiety5" , i would read those! he's very insightful and introspective post "fog". he posts in L3 section (Leaving). i've read through his experiences and that has really helped because his situation was so similar to mine... .SCARY similar... in fact. or just look through the threads for stories similar to yours and interact with that person. whatever works for you.  i feel for ya man... .i have low days too. 6 months post b/u. it is getting better the more i read and interact.  hopefully will for you too!    

[newlifeBPDfree]

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person.  

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

I totally know how you feel. I was the same way- happy, positive and optimistic. But BPD is like a vampire draining all your positive energy and leaving you with scraps. It will take time, it will hurt but you will heal. Respect yourself, trust your decisions, don't let yourself dwell on things. I know it's hard to say and I'm in the same boat as you.

[nowwhatz]

hey, if you can find threads by "anxiety5" , i would read those! he's very insightful and introspective post "fog". he posts in L3 section (Leaving). i've read through his experiences and that has really helped because his situation was so similar to mine... .SCARY similar... in fact. or just look through the threads for stories similar to yours and interact with that person. whatever works for you.  i feel for ya man... .i have low days too. 6 months post b/u. it is getting better the more i read and interact.  hopefully will for you too!    

Thanks! I did read some of the threads by "anxiety5" and they are awesome and highly informative and yes his experience is very similar to mine. To be honest because I already have been aware of much of what is covered and have continued in the r/s for so long it is exceedingly difficult not to feel like a total fool. 

Being informed and continuing to stay in the r/s is one of the main reasons for beating myself up.

[rlhmm]

no you cant beat yourself up for loving someone and wanting to go the distance with them. i dont know at what point you realized what you were dealing with in the r/s. as for me it was about a year before our break up when she was diagnosed with BPD from an alcohol counselor and she came home and told me. i listened to that and thought: not surprising she has a mental issue that i've handled up to this point... .and life went on. (stupid me, i didnt research it) not that this would have made a damned bit of difference anyway because what i've learned from here is that the r/s was doomed from the start and the clock was running out. so when it ran out last july i was fine until i suffered my first major trigger in aug. thats when i finally started research into BPD.  OOHH MY GOD! thats when the flood gates opened and i've been a sponge and have absorbed everything i could on this terrible malady!  had i started the research sooner i could have most likely made a smoother transition out of the r/s! then i wouldnt have suffered so greatly and drive my fam and friends up the wall with the madness i/that we all suffer after a break up with pwBPD. no i was foolish!

[christin5433]

Trust me your not alone on the beating yourself up. Thank god it only comes in waves over the weekends I seem to be lonely over this b/u. I use to do all things w her and kids. I have a gym membership to go to and AA meetings so that keeps me busy. Have u tried a more spiritual approach like reading inspirational books and praying. I feel when one is down its good to go to a source doesn't have to be religious but finding that peace within. Trusting that it will get better if u just do the next right thing?

I don't know how long u have been out of r/s but one of my hardest struggles was w the withdrawl I just looked at it as if it was a addiction.

The fact is you have to feel the grief and I gravitated on others stories that are ahead that have made big strives and see that self worth comes back.

These types of b/u are devistating and can test your limits. Just keep waking up and doing what's in front of you. I hope that helps

[nowwhatz]

Trust me your not alone on the beating yourself up. Thank god it only comes in waves over the weekends I seem to be lonely over this b/u. I use to do all things w her and kids. I have a gym membership to go to and AA meetings so that keeps me busy. Have u tried a more spiritual approach like reading inspirational books and praying. I feel when one is down its good to go to a source doesn't have to be religious but finding that peace within. Trusting that it will get better if u just do the next right thing?

I don't know how long u have been out of r/s but one of my hardest struggles was w the withdrawl I just looked at it as if it was a addiction.

The fact is you have to feel the grief and I gravitated on others stories that are ahead that have made big strives and see that self worth comes back.

These types of b/u are devistating and can test your limits. Just keep waking up and doing what's in front of you. I hope that helps

Thank you and it is good to know I am not alone.   I am trying to get closer to God and was hoping to take some time to apply a more spiritual approach to all of this.  I don't want to sound self-righteous or like I was doing a good deed in the r/s... .I wasn't ... .I was enabling and got my own validation out of being the protector as well as possible ego boost of having this incredibly beautiful woman seemingly wanting me so much.   And I used her a lot for sex and played the game to help keep her in my orbit much to my detriment.

But I think about forgiveness and sometimes when I think about how my love and caring was trampled on by this sick person it helps me remember what God has done for me and others with his unconditional love and forgiveness.

[nowwhatz]

Sorry to monopolize this board but I don't know where else to go.

The biggest hurdle for me is to see my own worth again.  It is causing most of my depression and pain.

When I had a regular T she was uber-logical and would tell me I was getting something out of the r/s and when it wasn't worth the cost then I would get out.  I was never able to address how to see my own worth again. It was through the VA and she had to drop me from the program (the next day the exgf called... .out of the blue after 9 mos no contact).

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person.  

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

If you don't already, go to the gym and bulk. I can't stress enough how big the impact is, not only you're more confident when your body looks better, but lifting weights has a very positive impact on mood.

After that, just keep trying, even if it doesn't feel natural, ask girls out, you can't get out from where you are without a little risk.

Alberto I was encouraged by your story of meeting a non that you are in love with.  In the past I have never had any problems meeting women... .even my first date with the exBPDgf I had the gall to invite her and another woman to see my band play... .sort of like 2 dates at the same time.   I picked the wrong girl.

As I reflect on that night I remember taking her for some food afterward and listening to her talk and telling myself... .this woman is completely crazy.  I never thought I would see her again but somehow managed to make a coffee date when I was bored and much to my surprise I got hooked like never before to this person, who I knew was completely crazy.

At this time I have been talking with a couple of attrative normal women online.  This week will not work but next week if I am able to I am open to meeting women for coffee or a beverage just to socialize.   

As for working out I used to be in great shape... .weight training several days a week, playing basketball even at my advanced age and more.  Needless to say 4 years of BPD r/s hell has affected my health and general condition.  I have all the equipment I need in my home (treadmill, free weights, kettleball etc) and there is no shortage of outdoor activities where I live.  I plan on hitting the weights and maybe some hiking by the end of the weekend.

Also found a guy who will play table tennis with me last week and a place to play so I plan to add that to my excercise routine.

[nowwhatz]

no you cant beat yourself up for loving someone and wanting to go the distance with them. i dont know at what point you realized what you were dealing with in the r/s. as for me it was about a year before our break up when she was diagnosed with BPD from an alcohol counselor and she came home and told me. i listened to that and thought: not surprising she has a mental issue that i've handled up to this point... .and life went on. (stupid me, i didnt research it) not that this would have made a damned bit of difference anyway because what i've learned from here is that the r/s was doomed from the start and the clock was running out. so when it ran out last july i was fine until i suffered my first major trigger in aug. thats when i finally started research into BPD.  OOHH MY GOD! thats when the flood gates opened and i've been a sponge and have absorbed everything i could on this terrible malady!  had i started the research sooner i could have most likely made a smoother transition out of the r/s! then i wouldnt have suffered so greatly and drive my fam and friends up the wall with the madness i/that we all suffer after a break up with pwBPD. no i was foolish!

I will hang on to your words about loving someone and wanting to go the distance. I guess that is an admirable trait. So many guys and girls just use people for sex only... .I am not one of those guys... .not that I haven't tried and felt extremely guilty and shameful afterward.

Like you I tried to absorb all the info I could find here and elsewhere on BPD once I found out about it. She was undiagnosed at the time but she was textbook BPD and later diagnosed (after she got arrested for theft and had a court ordered mental health diagnoses... .oh yeah she showed me the paperwork from the evaluation with the diagnosis and still denies she has BPD).

After absorbing all the information I didn't think I would ever get back involved with her but I could not stop recycling.  There will be another attempt by her in the future to recycle. So far I am batting zero... .I feel especially foolish because I have known for over 2 years and continued to play with fire... .thinking I could somehow manage it.

now i have to relearn how to manage my own needs.

[Alberto]

Sorry to monopolize this board but I don't know where else to go.

The biggest hurdle for me is to see my own worth again.  It is causing most of my depression and pain.

When I had a regular T she was uber-logical and would tell me I was getting something out of the r/s and when it wasn't worth the cost then I would get out.  I was never able to address how to see my own worth again. It was through the VA and she had to drop me from the program (the next day the exgf called... .out of the blue after 9 mos no contact).

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person.  

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

If you don't already, go to the gym and bulk. I can't stress enough how big the impact is, not only you're more confident when your body looks better, but lifting weights has a very positive impact on mood.

After that, just keep trying, even if it doesn't feel natural, ask girls out, you can't get out from where you are without a little risk.

Alberto I was encouraged by your story of meeting a non that you are in love with.  In the past I have never had any problems meeting women... .even my first date with the exBPDgf I had the gall to invite her and another woman to see my band play... .sort of like 2 dates at the same time.   I picked the wrong girl.

As I reflect on that night I remember taking her for some food afterward and listening to her talk and telling myself... .this woman is completely crazy.  I never thought I would see her again but somehow managed to make a coffee date when I was bored and much to my surprise I got hooked like never before to this person, who I knew was completely crazy.

At this time I have been talking with a couple of attrative normal women online.  This week will not work but next week if I am able to I am open to meeting women for coffee or a beverage just to socialize.   

As for working out I used to be in great shape... .weight training several days a week, playing basketball even at my advanced age and more.  Needless to say 4 years of BPD r/s hell has affected my health and general condition.  I have all the equipment I need in my home (treadmill, free weights, kettleball etc) and there is no shortage of outdoor activities where I live.  I plan on hitting the weights and maybe some hiking by the end of the weekend.

Also found a guy who will play table tennis with me last week and a place to play so I plan to add that to my excercise routine.

That's great, you are on the right path. Look at it as if you're climbing the Everest, no one can do it in one day, you need a base camp and set other advanced camps as you climb, it's only with patience and effort that you climb a mountain.

In your case, the Everest is recovering the best version of yourself, it's still there, it simply needs time and work to eject the poison that is a relationship with a BPD.

[eeks]

Hey nowwhatz, Perhaps you could start by treating yourself well, with kindness and respect.  Your r/s with yourself, in my view, comes first and foremost.  LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

How do I treat myself with kindness and respect if I don't feel deserving of such?  I guess I am having a hard time understanding the concept. Thank you.

I totally relate to this not feeling deserving, nowwhatz.  It can seem a bit trite when you are really asking how to love yourself, what are the steps, the nuts and bolts of what this feels like in the moment, and someone comes along and tells you to "love yourself" as though the diagnosis were the treatment.  

Maybe, for some, that's all the reassurance they need, but I suspect there's something else going on here with some people, and I haven't quite put my finger on what it is with respect to myself, but I have some ideas.

I am thinking there might be a theme of feeling responsible for others' emotions, or experience.  It took me a long time to consider this theme for myself, because I am not a classic "care-taker" or co-dependent, I don't see those behaviours as being a pattern in my life, but there is that theme if I look specifically at others' emotions. The way I was trained as a child to respond to angry adults arguably left me to do all of the compensating, to "protect myself", but without being able to assert my needs and feelings or expect the other to meet me halfway.

You say you want to stop beating yourself up for staying in the relationship even after you "were informed".  My opinion is that there is really no such thing as a "self-destructive" behaviour.  People are always doing what they do in order to survive, receive love, or meet some other need.  

Maybe some of the ways in which we try to get our needs met are less constructive than others, and upon investigation turn out to be a way of avoiding an inner or outer conflict that needs to be unearthed and worked with (e.g. "I can't both have needs and be loved, so I'll give up my needs in order to be loved" but of course the needs don't just go away so it's going to show up in your life again in some unhealthy form)

[Conundrum]

Following up on what eeks references--we often do not acknowledge our innermost needs and keep them secret--but with our pwBPD we invested so deeply--that those hidden needs were liberated from captivity. For a time we felt understood and free.

Yet now, after doomsday and all the concomitant relational hurt--after what many consider an illusory debacle for themselves--we pile onto the damage with additional unhealthy coping tools--shaming ourselves, blaming ourselves. And for what? The acknowledgement that we are imperfect, fallible and often desperate human beings. To be ashamed of one's needs and then smash one's self-esteem until one considers themselves a lesser being--'worthless.' Perhaps an all too familiar word that many of us at one time became acquainted to hearing when our pwBPD self-flagellated.

But see, there is truth--and in this one life that we share, one truth is that we are all imperfect beings.

So, if you have played with fire beyond its manageable state and were burned,

If you fault yourself for not knowing sooner,

When you wish that you did not invest in a transitory relationship at all,

Grant yourself the gift of grace--for all of us here, along with everyone else who has ever lived on this spinning blue orb is imperfect. It is the oldest of human sagas.

Personal growth is subjective. It is entwined with free-will. This life is in constant motion. We keep ourselves rigid, unavailable and dogmatic when imprisoned within personal cages of shame. Compassion for oneself is not self-pity. It is self-love. it is being self-aware. The sun rises each day--does it not. Rise with it, greeting the day with curiosity and beneficence. For all things change... .

     

[Maternus]

Hey nowwhatz, Perhaps you could start by treating yourself well, with kindness and respect.  Your r/s with yourself, in my view, comes first and foremost.  LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

How do I treat myself with kindness and respect if I don't feel deserving of such?  I guess I am having a hard time understanding the concept. Thank you.

I learned much about treating myself with patience and kindness from the daughter of my uBPDex. She is 13 years old and has all the problems and vulnerabilities I had at this age and I still have to some extend. I'm a son of a highly dysfunctional family and I never learned to take care of myself, to respect myself, I use to hate myself for my own shortcomings, but I can empathize with a child, when I see my own flaws mirrored. But since I see myself as a grown up person, I have a hard time to listen to my inner child.

I'm 45 years old and I'm not supposed to feel like a child or a teenager. But sometimes I think "Why not?" As long as I'm aware of my immaturity and try to accept it and cope with it, I'm not trapped in an immature cycle. The magic word is "empathy". When you can be empathetic to others, you can learn to be empathetic to yourself.

And there's one thing you have to consider: You were in love with a pwBPD and the main reason you were in love with that person was, that you were mirrored. You fell in love with the best part of yourself in the beginning of the relationship.   

[nowwhatz]

Hey nowwhatz, Perhaps you could start by treating yourself well, with kindness and respect.  Your r/s with yourself, in my view, comes first and foremost.  LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

How do I treat myself with kindness and respect if I don't feel deserving of such?  I guess I am having a hard time understanding the concept. Thank you.

I learned much about treating myself with patience and kindness from the daughter of my uBPDex. She is 13 years old and has all the problems and vulnerabilities I had at this age and I still have to some extend. I'm a son of a highly dysfunctional family and I never learned to take care of myself, to respect myself, I use to hate myself for my own shortcomings, but I can empathize with a child, when I see my own flaws mirrored. But since I see myself as a grown up person, I have a hard time to listen to my inner child.

I'm 45 years old and I'm not supposed to feel like a child or a teenager. But sometimes I think "Why not?" As long as I'm aware of my immaturity and try to accept it and cope with it, I'm not trapped in an immature cycle. The magic word is "empathy". When you can be empathetic to others, you can learn to be empathetic to yourself.

And there's one thing you have to consider: You were in love with a pwBPD and the main reason you were in love with that person was, that you were mirrored. You fell in love with the best part of yourself in the beginning of the relationship.   

Thank you for your input Maternus!    That is very kind what you said.

I am starting to feel a little less excited about beating myself up. Hope tomorrow gets better.

[nowwhatz]

Following up on what eeks references--we often do not acknowledge our innermost needs and keep them secret--but with our pwBPD we invested so deeply--that those hidden needs were liberated from captivity. For a time we felt understood and free.

Yet now, after doomsday and all the concomitant relational hurt--after what many consider an illusory debacle for themselves--we pile onto the damage with additional unhealthy coping tools--shaming ourselves, blaming ourselves. And for what? The acknowledgement that we are imperfect, fallible and often desperate human beings. To be ashamed of one's needs and then smash one's self-esteem until one considers themselves a lesser being--'worthless.' Perhaps an all too familiar word that many of us at one time became acquainted to hearing when our pwBPD self-flagellated.

But see, there is truth--and in this one life that we share, one truth is that we are all imperfect beings.

So, if you have played with fire beyond its manageable state and were burned,

If you fault yourself for not knowing sooner,

When you wish that you did not invest in a transitory relationship at all,

Grant yourself the gift of grace--for all of us here, along with everyone else who has ever lived on this spinning blue orb is imperfect. It is the oldest of human sagas.

Personal growth is subjective. It is entwined with free-will. This life is in constant motion. We keep ourselves rigid, unavailable and dogmatic when imprisoned within personal cages of shame. Compassion for oneself is not self-pity. It is self-love. it is being self-aware. The sun rises each day--does it not. Rise with it, greeting the day with curiosity and beneficence. For all things change... .

     

That is really beautifully written with sound advice.  Today/tomorrow I will try to be mindful of giving myself some grace for my part in this debacle. Thank you!

[jhkbuzz]

Trust me your not alone on the beating yourself up. Thank god it only comes in waves over the weekends I seem to be lonely over this b/u. I use to do all things w her and kids. I have a gym membership to go to and AA meetings so that keeps me busy. Have u tried a more spiritual approach like reading inspirational books and praying. I feel when one is down its good to go to a source doesn't have to be religious but finding that peace within. Trusting that it will get better if u just do the next right thing?

I don't know how long u have been out of r/s but one of my hardest struggles was w the withdrawl I just looked at it as if it was a addiction.

The fact is you have to feel the grief and I gravitated on others stories that are ahead that have made big strives and see that self worth comes back.

These types of b/u are devistating and can test your limits. Just keep waking up and doing what's in front of you. I hope that helps

Thank you and it is good to know I am not alone.   I am trying to get closer to God and was hoping to take some time to apply a more spiritual approach to all of this.  I don't want to sound self-righteous or like I was doing a good deed in the r/s... .I wasn't ... .I was enabling and got my own validation out of being the protector as well as possible ego boost of having this incredibly beautiful woman seemingly wanting me so much.   And I used her a lot for sex and played the game to help keep her in my orbit much to my detriment.



But I think about forgiveness and sometimes when I think about how my love and caring was trampled on by this sick person it helps me remember what God has done for me and others with his unconditional love and forgiveness.

Love this ^^^  

[Infared]

no you cant beat yourself up for loving someone and wanting to go the distance with them. i dont know at what point you realized what you were dealing with in the r/s. as for me it was about a year before our break up when she was diagnosed with BPD from an alcohol counselor and she came home and told me. i listened to that and thought: not surprising she has a mental issue that i've handled up to this point... .and life went on. (stupid me, i didnt research it) not that this would have made a damned bit of difference anyway because what i've learned from here is that the r/s was doomed from the start and the clock was running out. so when it ran out last july i was fine until i suffered my first major trigger in aug. thats when i finally started research into BPD.  OOHH MY GOD! thats when the flood gates opened and i've been a sponge and have absorbed everything i could on this terrible malady!  had i started the research sooner i could have most likely made a smoother transition out of the r/s! then i wouldnt have suffered so greatly and drive my fam and friends up the wall with the madness i/that we all suffer after a break up with pwBPD. no i was foolish!

I will hang on to your words about loving someone and wanting to go the distance. I guess that is an admirable trait. So many guys and girls just use people for sex only... .I am not one of those guys... .not that I haven't tried and felt extremely guilty and shameful afterward.

Like you I tried to absorb all the info I could find here and elsewhere on BPD once I found out about it. She was undiagnosed at the time but she was textbook BPD and later diagnosed (after she got arrested for theft and had a court ordered mental health diagnoses... .oh yeah she showed me the paperwork from the evaluation with the diagnosis and still denies she has BPD).

After absorbing all the information I didn't think I would ever get back involved with her but I could not stop recycling.  There will be another attempt by her in the future to recycle. So far I am batting zero... .I feel especially foolish because I have known for over 2 years and continued to play with fire... .thinking I could somehow manage it.

now i have to relearn how to manage my own needs.

NW... .I think you are doing a LOT better than you give yourself credit for. You are making good decisions and acting on them. You are here, being open and honest and looking for answers and change.  You were open to and engaged in Therapy. You have a balanced God in your life. You are mtg. new people and doing positive things. That's all good! Healthy recovery from these situations is a long haul... and you are taking soo many healthy steps. I read most of the thread and I am not sure where you are with contact with you ex?... .but NC is best for the path you are on.

Self esteem is destroyed with these interaction, especially any recycling ... .it is just devastating to SE... .but you are doing a lot of things to rebuild that.  Helping others, even in small ways gets us out ourselves and builds SE.  Also, you said that you knew that your ex was "crazy" from day one and you went "all-in" anyway. I did the same, I was very careful as I had seen her cheat, lie and abuse (she expressed what I thought was genuine remorse... but not)... but in the end I was treated the same way and worse. What I needed to do was acknowledged that, wholeheartedly and work at forgiving myself for making such an unhealthy choice. ... .afterall... .if I was honest... hey... .I put myself here. That self forgiveness was key to me feeling better. ... .

It gets better... .just focus on you right now and healing from within... .you are making a lot of good choices every day, so take the baby steps and just know tHat you are getting better! It takes time to heal from these entanglements. They are brutal on us... .

[Blimblam]

What I have found was the beating myself up had really just brought up a deep inner shame to the surface that I had constructed an entire frame of reality around sort of avoiding often in the form of rescuing type behavior. Or doing things to prove to myself something. 

All of which stemmed from foo issues.  By actively seeking out ways to fully feel that pain and just sitting with it and accepting it have I been able to work through it and it is something that will probably take me years.

Struggle > surrender > accept

What it ultimately becomes is learning to forgive.

[blue917]

Hi, I have endured this feeling for 4 months now and it is agonizing.

I cannot overcome the rejection and the way I was broken up with ... .it is like i have a lost my organs and i am bleeding all over the place. I was also always happy, positive and caring and now i am depressed, and constantly wondering what he is doing adn I cant even listen to music because it pulls me back in -- music used to heal me. I have started crossfitting. it helps for a day or two but i keep wanting to call and share what I have been up to with him... i feel permantly awful. people keep telling me how i need to move on and date and just force myself to go out and i find it awful. i cant even really eat or do anything ... .i am not in contact with him at all and it is probably for good but i also feel like this horrible feeling is not fading like everyone keeps saying it will. Anyway, I have since then, set some goals and tried to move on my filling my schedule with things... .

[rlhmm]

Hi, I have endured this feeling for 4 months now and it is agonizing.

I cannot overcome the rejection and the way I was broken up with ... .it is like i have a lost my organs and i am bleeding all over the place. I was also always happy, positive and caring and now i am depressed, and constantly wondering what he is doing adn I cant even listen to music because it pulls me back in -- music used to heal me. I have started crossfitting. it helps for a day or two but i keep wanting to call and share what I have been up to with him... i feel permantly awful. people keep telling me how i need to move on and date and just force myself to go out and i find it awful. i cant even really eat or do anything ... .i am not in contact with him at all and it is probably for good but i also feel like this horrible feeling is not fading like everyone keeps saying it will. Anyway, I have since then, set some goals and tried to move on my filling my schedule with things... .

hi Blue. sorry about what you're feeling/ going through.    you are not alone i assure you.  i for one have felt these exact same feelings, they do fade some with time. it is hard for family and friends to relate when they havent experienced what we have endured. they mean well but their words carry little solace for us. thank god for websites like this where we can interact with real people who have 'been there done that".   the music thing, i can directly relate to, i still have a problem with that as i feel like my exBPDgf hijacked what i enjoyed listening to. it sounds to me like you are on the right track!  maintain nc! this is a must. do not feed his bloated ego. stay silent. do not concern yourself with his whereabouts... .it doesnt matter to you anymore. not your problem. keep working on you and setting goals for yourself. stay as busy as you can so as not to ruminate. by all means use this site to help you gain facts and assist with your healing. learn all you can. its amazing how similar the stories are here. ive discovered several that have really resonated with me and are helping me to heal!  i think you will too! stay strong and my best to you!     

[nowwhatz]

no you cant beat yourself up for loving someone and wanting to go the distance with them. i dont know at what point you realized what you were dealing with in the r/s. as for me it was about a year before our break up when she was diagnosed with BPD from an alcohol counselor and she came home and told me. i listened to that and thought: not surprising she has a mental issue that i've handled up to this point... .and life went on. (stupid me, i didnt research it) not that this would have made a damned bit of difference anyway because what i've learned from here is that the r/s was doomed from the start and the clock was running out. so when it ran out last july i was fine until i suffered my first major trigger in aug. thats when i finally started research into BPD.  OOHH MY GOD! thats when the flood gates opened and i've been a sponge and have absorbed everything i could on this terrible malady!  had i started the research sooner i could have most likely made a smoother transition out of the r/s! then i wouldnt have suffered so greatly and drive my fam and friends up the wall with the madness i/that we all suffer after a break up with pwBPD. no i was foolish!

I will hang on to your words about loving someone and wanting to go the distance. I guess that is an admirable trait. So many guys and girls just use people for sex only... .I am not one of those guys... .not that I haven't tried and felt extremely guilty and shameful afterward.

Like you I tried to absorb all the info I could find here and elsewhere on BPD once I found out about it. She was undiagnosed at the time but she was textbook BPD and later diagnosed (after she got arrested for theft and had a court ordered mental health diagnoses... .oh yeah she showed me the paperwork from the evaluation with the diagnosis and still denies she has BPD).

After absorbing all the information I didn't think I would ever get back involved with her but I could not stop recycling.  There will be another attempt by her in the future to recycle. So far I am batting zero... .I feel especially foolish because I have known for over 2 years and continued to play with fire... .thinking I could somehow manage it.

now i have to relearn how to manage my own needs.

NW... .I think you are doing a LOT better than you give yourself credit for. You are making good decisions and acting on them. You are here, being open and honest and looking for answers and change.  You were open to and engaged in Therapy. You have a balanced God in your life. You are mtg. new people and doing positive things. That's all good! Healthy recovery from these situations is a long haul... and you are taking soo many healthy steps. I read most of the thread and I am not sure where you are with contact with you ex?... .but NC is best for the path you are on.

Self esteem is destroyed with these interaction, especially any recycling ... .it is just devastating to SE... .but you are doing a lot of things to rebuild that.  Helping others, even in small ways gets us out ourselves and builds SE.  Also, you said that you knew that your ex was "crazy" from day one and you went "all-in" anyway. I did the same, I was very careful as I had seen her cheat, lie and abuse (she expressed what I thought was genuine remorse... but not)... but in the end I was treated the same way and worse. What I needed to do was acknowledged that, wholeheartedly and work at forgiving myself for making such an unhealthy choice. ... .afterall... .if I was honest... hey... .I put myself here. That self forgiveness was key to me feeling better. ... .

It gets better... .just focus on you right now and healing from within... .you are making a lot of good choices every day, so take the baby steps and just know tHat you are getting better! It takes time to heal from these entanglements. They are brutal on us... .

Infared,

Thanks I am still at NC. I don't feel like I am doing a LOT better... .but I supposed going back and reading what/who I have been involved with I should give myself some credit just for still being alive.

I woke up again with a knot in my stomach. I am sickened by what she had done to me but I don't want to feel like a victim.   I will try to remember to focus on me... .it is tough... .because even to focus on myself exposes  my own guilt and shame for my part. Just faulting myself for letting it go on so long... .and all the recycles.

Trying to stay NC. I know she is actively looking for a replacement and even though it is not as easy as before she will find one soon and that will go the way of the others and she will try to recycle.

I have enough of my own things to worry about but am considering asking her for some money she owes me (another thread).

I will try to keep in mind what you said about me doing better than I realize.  Thank you!

[blue917]

I used to be super positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, very funny with way more interests prior to the r/s... .but also despite all that I had been through prior I was one of these super-confident, high self esteem, type A personality etc. etc.

Now... .not so much... .and it has been a steady slow transformation into a miserable person. 

Just like there could be a list of all the negative moments and behaviors of the exBPDgf I could make my own list of the same about me (would be much shorter) and someone reading it would likely not want to be associated with the person I have become.

The detachment puts the focus on my bad choices, the consequences and having to deal with it all.

I want to stop beating myself up for letting this all happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?

Somebody on the board said having the ability to show great compassion and care is a good thing.  That thought helps me feel better.

I totally know how you feel. I was the same way- happy, positive and optimistic. But BPD is like a vampire draining all your positive energy and leaving you with scraps. It will take time, it will hurt but you will heal. Respect yourself, trust your decisions, don't let yourself dwell on things. I know it's hard to say and I'm in the same boat as you.

It is like a vampire. These people knew what they were doing and they project their insecure feelings on you. They will never be happy and they put us down before abandonment so we constantly feel the pain due to zero closure. I'm still dealing with it... .it's getting better but there are days that I just dwell and I can not get it off my mind... .or him out of my head. Ugh. He really did damage to my happy, optimistic self

[Infared]

Hey Nowwatz... .I think a lot of us, who decide to get into these relationships suffer from low self esteem and codependency... .I know that I do and I swear some of it is genetic and some is baggage from our FOO. we pick these partners for a reason... .Our BPD's build us up in the beginning and we love to have them help us to feel good about ourselves... and when they get ugly on us later on... .it is especially devastating to us because of who we are.

I had a great experience post breakup . I do not have any children, but I had the opportunity to have a relationship with this wonderful little boy. We really connected and he was such my "little buddy".  He had the greatest little disposition and of course, all I wanted to do when I was around him was positively affirm his efforts and to be supportive and caring. It was something that I had not experienced in my life before.

My little buddy taught me a very important lesson in life!... .one day I saw how well we got along and how much I loved to love him and be there for him... .and I recognized that I was really proud of the way I just wanted to treat him... .and then it struck me that ... .if I can feel and act this way for my buddy... .I discovered that I had the ability... so... .I said to myself... this is the way I need to treat me... .with that little voice in my head!

I try to catch myself when I am down or having a day when I am struggling with something... .I just talk to myself with the same exact positive, affirming supportive voice I used when I was with my little friend... affirmations... .it has really turned my relationship with myself around to something much more pleasant. What a great gift that little kid gave me.  I just did not know how to do that before in life.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

To be honest because I already have been aware of much of what is covered and have continued in the r/s for so long it is exceedingly difficult not to feel like a total fool. 

Being informed and continuing to stay in the r/s is one of the main reasons for beating myself up.

nowwhatz, I can SO relate to this sentiment.  It is so tempting to wallow in it.  I was foolish.  The r/s was foolish.  I stayed longer than I should have.  I am embarrassed and ashamed.  My kids' lives have been enormously damaged as a result.  I freaking hate that and can be so filled with regret.

A n d   y e t,  as true as the above statements are, if I continue to be miserable and suffer post-b/u, then I am just EXTENDING my foolishness.  I already gave him the time we were together.  Am I (are we/are you) going to give him even more time now that is over?  What we do with ourselves everyday post-b/u is our choice.  So at any given moment we can decide if we want to extend the length of time we acted like a fool or move forward.

Our feelings follow our actions.  So we can (and must) get up, get out, DO something BEFORE we feel like doing so.  The action comes first.  Just like NC.  We b/u and go NC even though it feels dreadful.  But we stick with it and eventually feel better.   We don't wait to feel better to act (as in take action) better.  We act better and then later we feel better. 

So take some action... .go to the gym, call a friend, do some work, etc.  DO those things you used to DO when you were "positive, optimistic, roll with the punches, super confident, high esteem, type A person." 

I have to remind myself of this all the time too!