What is wrong with me... I txtd him a dumb reason.?

[Sunfl0wer]

Eh!

A moment of weakness?

I'm feeling physically I'll from food poisoning today?

I just txtd him to confront him regarding the fact that I'm so damn pissed he alienated me from my SD 15!

I feel so hurt!

Idk why this doesn't typically bug me... .but it does now. 

I'm so angry at him for this!

I have no idea my point in this all!

He does not understand my perspective!  ... .he cannot validate me!

He will likely just be enraged that I even have any feelings of my own... .and express further punishment to me for feeling anything at all.

I feel so broken to go here... .  To this place of wanting to express to him... .  And be heard... In some way!

To a place of admitting he is important enough for me to even have txtd!

:'(

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Seems to me that,  despite any misgivings after the fact, you didn't so much acknowledge his importance as you acknowledged HER importance.   However,  he may interpret it,  I think your intention/communication was really about her.   And whether she will ever be aware of it or not,  I imagine it would mean a lot to her to know how much you care.   I hope you might find a way to acknowledge yourself for this deeply heartfelt and important sentiment.   No worries if it is lost on him.   You conveyed your heart.   

I am sorry for the loss of her in your life,  Sunflower.   

XOXO

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you reclaiming,

I think with the end of school... .and summer here it has reminded me of being a part of some important life markers, ... .this is when we would have spent wrapping up the school year... .making plans for the next one, picking classes... .preparing for some vacation time.

When I say "we" I mean her and I.  Dad only wanted to do the parts of parenting that were fun.  He'd be mad at me for doing things like help tutor her in science (even if she was failing)... .because I was "not being fun" therefore I was being mean.  He'd interrupt and put TV on and lure her away.

At least now I sort of understand why.

Thanks for listening

[Kwamina]

Hi Sunflower

There is nothing wrong with you! You are hurting because you have lost the relationship with your SD. Given what you mention about now not being a part of certain significant events in her life, I understand why you would get triggered. Considering the circumstances I'd say it's quite normal to feel the way you do. You are in a transitional period now and that isn't easy.

Take care

[jhkbuzz]

  

I feel your pain, Sunfl0wer. We're here for you.

One of the things am considering is some sort of mentoring... .Big Brother/Big Sister, for example. Not the same, I know, but a way to fill that need in yourself while helping a young adult who probably desperately needs some good, adult guidance.

Just a thought!

[Pretty Woman]

I can't speak for everyone but I am pretty sure we've all been there... .


Don't beat yourself up over this. You will never be able to rationalize with the irrational.

Don't try. It is crazymaking.

I second the Big Brother/Big Sister program idea. Your SD won't forget you. Sadly she is a pawn in this. Send her positive thoughts and love. That is all you can do at this point... .

Most importantly, time to really start loving you again. 

PW

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I can only begin to imagine how much she lost in losing you.  Someone who loved her and was willing to do the "hard" stuff with her, i.e., tutoring her for science.  Those moments are where the rubber meets the road in parenting.  Who wouldn't rather have fun all the time?  But how do we show up when our kids are struggling says a lot.  I am sorry for both of you that you lost each other.  XOXO

[Sunfl0wer]

 :'( 

Thank you guys oh so much!

I am literally brought to tears.

I posted in complete embarrassment and frustration with myself... .

Frustrated at wanting... .

At feeling like I needed something.

I fully expected to come back, read this thread and be reminded about how we cannot go to "them" to get our needs met.  I expected to be challenged about why I was still seeking anything from him!  And I expected to offer myself up to explore this.

I realize that was judgmental of me.

Your compassion and kindness surprised me and made a greater mark on me than any "face RA" comment... .that I anticipated.

I suffered such loss... .

... .over losing a SD in physical presence... .in the daily acts of life.

... .then HIS alienation... .during a potential for a long distance r/s

... .then SD herself revealing to have turned on us with vengeance.

... .then loss of many hopes and dreams I had for her as an individual... .as I saw her step down a scary path

I was with him during all of this.

My suffering was always done in silence.

Silence to protect him... .  -from my pain as he had his own to deal with.

Silence to protect me -after alienating ME, he only would have raged in the face of my pain.

Silence to protect us both -as coping with this all began to tear us apart and we could not handle one more stress added.

I see that these are huge pains that I am suppressing mostly.  I cover them up with anger, with intellectualizing, blaming him, blaming me for caring... etc.

Thank you so much for your caring and generousness.  I am truly grateful for having this moment of grief... .to be gentle... .to be kind to myself... .and focus on my pain.  This is pain that I partially have felt the need to suppress... .for feeling a bit unworthy to even have. 

Compared to him... .who am I to have this pain?

Compared to her (biomom) who am I to have this pain?

Compared to her, SD, who am I to have such loss and pain?

Well... .

I do!

I will honor the pain that is mine to have tonight!