Telling Family and Friends

[confusedinny]

I guess I'm sort of curious with how people have dealt with this one during and after the relationship. I've only told this board and a therapist the full truth about the relationship. It made for a bit of a strange few years, like I had a horrible secret... .she was always very charming to everyone we'd spend time with socially but close friends and family knew I was struggling in the relationship but had no idea the extent of how dangerous it was. I guess I felt a bit of shame to be in something so toxic, I didn't want to concern them all, and i also didnt share with them because I didnt want them treating her different and possibly complicating my deal even further if she sensed I had said something.

Now that its over, I realize I'm still keeping it all to myself (other than this board). A part of me is still embarrassed for having been in what I deem to be an abusive relationship... Is this typical? I know its going to take me a moment to heal from being in something so twisted, trying to gauge whats the healthiest way to cope and move on.

[PlanetsBendBetweenUs]

It is difficult to discuss the abuse with family and friends because it is often hidden and subtle. If there where bruises and scars they would immediately understand and the real culprit would be obvious. However with emotional and psychological abuse the wounds are inside and thus less visible to others. If you try to discuss the ways these people mess with our minds most people just do not understand or believe that people sick people like this exist. I personally feel some shame for having gotten myself into and then remaining in a relationship with a seriously mentally disturbed individual such as my expwBPD. I do not want to appear to be stupid, weak or dim witted in anyone's eyes. I suppose it is comforting to have finally found a name for the insanity I have been living for almost 4 years and at last my quest for answers has ended. I have been in an abusive relationship with someone with a cluster "B" personality disorder. Period. There is no more doubt now. I have found my truth. In retrospect I was right about this person from the very beginning so I feel vindicated in this respect. I will never ignore that little voice inside that told me something was seriously wrong here. Never. Strict NC is the only way to break free of this trap and it takes strength and courage to do this.

I am beginning to heal. Slowly but I can see it over the past few weeks. Now I know what has happened. Now I choose not to live in denial. Today I will not interact with those individuals who do not have my best interests at heart. Hang in there and things will improve with time.

[Invictus01]

I have tried to explain many many friends why all the sudden I just disintegrated into a steamy pile of horse manure when she left me out of nowhere and why it is taking me so long to get over it. 99% of them either think I am nuts or just don't wanna believe it. "Get over it" or "move on" is the most given suggestion. In the very beginning it felt like I was overrun by a train and while I was laying on the tracks covered in blood and broken bones sticking out of my body, my friends would come up to me, take a look and go "Meh, not too bad. Get over it! Move on!" If what I felt inside could manifest itself in the form of bruises, the very same people who told me to move on would be putting me on the first available ambulance to the nearest hospital.

[Pacify]

I am at the crossroads of letting go... .

I know in my heart this relationship will not work and she is damaged beyond my understanding.

No one knows of her condition and I want to help.  I want to tell her mom so she understands why her daughter has so much anger and maybe they can communicate better.

I want to warn her room mate who she is stringing along for free rent and up teen favors.

I want terribly for her to know so she can get the proper help.  Maybe she will be able to hold a job and not think everyone is out to get her.

I want everyone she meets to know she is not who she portrays herself as.

But I wont.   Maybe for now I will find a therapist to share with. 

[jhkbuzz]

I guess I'm sort of curious with how people have dealt with this one during and after the relationship. I've only told this board and a therapist the full truth about the relationship. It made for a bit of a strange few years, like I had a horrible secret... .she was always very charming to everyone we'd spend time with socially but close friends and family knew I was struggling in the relationship but had no idea the extent of how dangerous it was. I guess I felt a bit of shame to be in something so toxic, I didn't want to concern them all, and i also didnt share with them because I didnt want them treating her different and possibly complicating my deal even further if she sensed I had said something.

Now that its over, I realize I'm still keeping it all to myself (other than this board). A part of me is still embarrassed for having been in what I deem to be an abusive relationship... Is this typical? I know its going to take me a moment to heal from being in something so twisted, trying to gauge whats the healthiest way to cope and move on.

I struggled with this very thing. Our experiences are very similar. Even after the r/s ended I wasn't sure what to tell people because I hadn't figured it all out yet, and because I didn't want to "badmouth" her.

In the end, I told several close friends... .and of course my therapist. No one else needs to know. I'm comfortable with that decision.

If you share the entirety, choose whom you tell very, very wisely.