If I said it (Pets and BPD)

[Repetition]

I have been on and off with my (ex)BPDgf for 11 years now, we are both 26 and stable in life. I found this site about a month ago and have been reading it almost daily since. My stories are close to almost every post in a way, but I find little about pets on this site. Over the course of us getting back together this time(end of 2012) till our recent NC, her Silent treatment, we acquired 2 aquatic turtles, 2 snakes, 2 leopard geckos, 2 huskys. This question mainly focuses on the last, the dogs.

I proposed to her in 2013, Christmas to be exact, as we were both happy and in a good place. For Christmas of 2014 we got a 10 week old husky puppy, Sora. I noticed how attached she became to him from the start. When she went back to work she would always want pictures of him... .Always ask how he was feeling(is he mad, is he sad, is he anxious), different for sure. Since she is not home during the day(she is a school teacher) I told her I would stay home during the day and work nights. Doing everything she asked(commanded at times) was VERY tiring, but I wanted to cause her as little stress as I could. She started to show signs of impulsive behavior... .then it happened, like clockwork. Password phone, late nights, no calls anymore, distance, silence, not coming home, lies, lies, lies. She told me about a month ago she was being depressed and needed some time to stay at her moms(20 minutes away(making her job a 65 minute drive)), and of course I said ok.

Last week I was cleaning our room and I found a folder that was labeled "puppy pappers", I picked it up and put it in our to be filed bin, thinking nothing of it (because we have Sora). Later that day, I was looking for a recpit from last week and I saw the folder again, picked it up and opened it and looked at the top, the stapled receipt was for $600. I thought, funny, Sora was $1334 because I paid for him with my debit card. Flipped over the receipt and there was the Dogs name, Roxas. So I looked at the header and verified it was the same place we got Sora from. Pulled out my phone, about 4:10pm and called the pet store up. The owner picked up(he has a uniquie voice) and I asked him this question, "Hey, my name is ----, my Fiance and I were in there during Christmas and we got a husky", he said he remembered us, then I said " I was wondering if I can come pick up roxas, to surprise my Fiance of course, but question, the difference is $1122, right? I cannot remember". He asks me to hang on and come back to say, its $1443 and I can come whenever to grab him. Just as I hangup I grab my keys and I turn to the door. ":)amn", I say as the front door opens and it is my Fiance. I am holding the "puppy pappers" so I quickly look at the date she went(when she was at her moms, I noticed) and quickly told her we need to talk. She asked where I Was about to leave too and I tell her about the papers I found and asked for an explanation. After some talk, we go to grab Roxas, and I notice he looks just like Sora only a little smaller, then to PetsMart. There we get a ton of new stuff for Roxas, the 9 week old husky puppy, and everyone of course stops her to say how cute he is. We then bring him home to meed Sora. Sora instantly took up the big brother roll and played with him till we were forced to separate them as we needed to go to sleep.

Next day, I check Instagram and notice a tagged picture on hers that was odd. I click it, click the tagged name and bam... .I see 2 pictures of Sora, and 1 of Roxas(the day she paid for him, the deposit of $600). I see it is a guy she has been texting(I looked at her phone a little over a week ago) and just stare at the picture of Sora and him. When she got home, I confronted her about it. She said they were just friends, blah blah. Next day she takes the puppy to school, Comes home late. Repeats this again, the next day but left her ipad on the floor. I see it and pick it up to see a new message in a program I have never even heard of. Unlock the ipad and see a wall of "I love you", "I love you more", "Let me hold roxas like I do you"(He sent that to her). Just normal BPDgf cheating honey moon stuff. I instantly connect the thought... .Did she go and look at this puppy to replace Sora. I should mention too, my Dad left when I was 12(I am the oldest of 5 kids) and I had issues(now resolved, for the most part) with feeling unwanted/replaceable, that with my childhood husky, Frankie(thats why we got a husky) passing away from being left in a car, by my mother who was too ill(depression) to remember him, when I was 15. So, she knew I would form a bond with Sora that was very strong/different, so she prob thought I would not be able to let go. The thing is tho, my BPDgf was with me when Frankie died. She helped me thru it all, back when BPD symptoms were no where to be found. Speed up to today, she has the little puppy, Roxas. We havent spoken in 3 days. Last she saw Sora was that morning for about an hour when she came over to grab more clothes and let the two play. I of course cleaned up all the poop and pee and let them out and what not. I say that because I feed and care for ALL the other animals and she doesnt even look at them anymore. She only interacts with Roxas. While I know she loves sora(the majority of texts are about him) she has essentially abandoned him, and in turn me. She saw I was packing everything and I stated that I am moving most everything out. She seemed just non existant.

So, my question is really this... .We have never once spoken about BPD or any mental illnesses, so she has no idea I know of this site(we did talk about some issues when we were 17 and she mentioned her mom and Grandmother both have depression/social disorders). I also believe she relates the dog to be, therefore she is trying to push Sora into a black zone, while she loves this other dog Roxas, and exists in her fantasy(which is starting to crumble.

• What if I were to talk to her about abandoning the Dog(Sora).



• How do BPD respond to the idea that they left/ dont care for pets.



• Is it crucial to use non trigger words like left, as opposed to abandoned.

Sora sits by the front door gate everyday for hours waiting for anyone to walk in... .it was only really ever her that would come home from school and he would always be there to love her, but now it is just nothing and he waits. I feel bad for Sora because I know exactly what that feels like. She took his sudden happiness and it is a horrid feeling.

Sorry for mistakes and misspelling... .Also, first time posting here. I know it wont be my last, as BPD people are in my life and always stir up the pots.

[Meadowslark]

Hey Rep, it sounds rough having all those pets and responsibilities that your ex doesn't seem to help out with. I think a lot of us can empathize there.

I might be able to help, or at least, I hope this information is helpful:

My BPDsis25 had a cat named Mama. Our mom brought Mama in from the woods and cared for her, but Mama got very attached to BPDsis. Sis did the push/pull, idealize/devalue BPD thing with the cat. One minute, Mama is her world, the next, Mama is nothing but a furry inconvenience. She would physically throw the cat out of her room when she was mad at Mama. The stress BPDsis caused this poor cat was (no pun intended) catastrophic. Mama was so anxious and stressed out from the instability that she would hide from everyone, shed from stress and wouldn't allow anyone to pick her up or hold her. She was afraid of everyone and everything and that's no way for an animal to live.

Does your ex do that (the BPD dance) with Sora or the other pets? Or does she love-bomb one and then get bored and move on to "new" ones?

I'm sure you already know what kind of stress this lack of love/affection is putting on Sora. He can't understand why your ex would abandon him like this, and you can't explain it to him.

Honestly, I think the very best bet for both you and Sora (but Sora specifically) is to take him with you. It sounds like you left your fiancee? No explanation needed. Sora's needs are more important than your ex's wants or needs. Sora deserves stability and affection from a solid source. Most BPD people can't handle confrontation anyway, and in the end she'd blame YOU for whatever happened with Sora, even though that makes absolutely no sense. My BPDsis did the same to me, and even accused me of kidnapping her cats! She abandoned them and I have the documentation (texts) to prove it. Just goes to show that they don't operate in any semblance of reality

I can tell you that when BPDsis abandoned Mama (and one other cat), I took her in. This was in December. In a few short months in a stable, loving home, Mama is a whole new cat. She greets people, she's very affectionate and loving, she doesn't shed from stress or chew things out of anxiety anymore. She now sleeps comfortably, even on my friends she's never met! She chatters away like nothing ever happened. That's the beauty of animals - they live in the moment.

So, for what it's worth, I think Sora will be much better off with you and you alone. You can appreciate him for who and what he is, and you won't abandon him. You sound like a fantastic pet parent, the kind Sora would ask for if he could!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Repetition, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how difficult it is to cope with feeling abandoned and unwanted/replaceable.

My person with BPD (pwBPD) abandoned his pets a few times in his life. He left his dog here with me when he left. This was not the first time that he abandoned the dog either. I loved the dog very much and took care of her when he left. Every time I sent pictures of the dog and talked about her, he tried to change the subject or avoid it. The reason that he did that was because he felt so much shame and guilt for leaving her here. It is a type of maladaptive coping mechanism, suppression/avoidance.

The dog became very sick about a month and a half ago.  I spoke with him about the dog being so sick and in pain. He said that he cannot handle the emotions attached to the dog. 

Unfortunately, I had to put down the dog about a month ago. He came back here to help me with the process and say goodbye. After we came back from the vet, he finally broke down and cried. He said that he hurt me the dog by abandoning both of us. 

If you love Sora, keep her. You mentioned that you have a history with Huskies and already have a bond with her 

How are you doing with the moving process?

[Repetition]

Thank you EaglesJuju and Meadowslark for the great responses.

Science I have posted this response... .My BPDgf randomly came home yesterday around noon. Needless to say, I was not ready for this and had to quickly disengage from all her random questions and statements. It did make me happy that Sora has Roxas to play with now.

What I find most odd is just the way anyone with BPD can just pretend nothing ever happen, or how they cannot see a problem in there behavior. She cheated on me and this caused us to call of the engagement. I was packing all the stuff in the house, I was mad/upset. When she came home yesterday, she asked me to rebuild the dresser and some other random items in the room. After I did, she states "Next time you get mad, can you just not touch these things"... .followed by "I dont hate you, you know". all I could think was "WHAT"... .I was mad because of what you did(still do), she never said she hated me. So confusing. Then when night came around... .I got the  "you only make me this way", "I did nothing wrong", "you hate me" normal BPD statements that came from no where.

Lastly, I thought 2 therapy sessions and a lot of reading would help me with this process. However I feel she knew I was getting help and not responding, so by her randomly coming home and saying these crazy things, it is her form of control. You really cannot beat a BPD person at their own game... .In the end, you will only hurt.

Sora and Roxas are right here in the living room with me... .and she went with her friends to the Beach. We plan to do something tomorrow(Disney maybe) but right now it is just day to day.

[EaglesJuju]

What I find most odd is just the way anyone with BPD can just pretend nothing ever happen, or how they cannot see a problem in there behavior.

It is hard for someone with BPD to accept responsibility for their behaviors. A lot of that has to do with inherent feelings of shame, low self-efficacy, and self-loathing. PwBPD tend to have very low self-esteem. Also, pwBPD's feelings/emotions are so overwhelming and strong, they have problems with controlling them (emotional dysregulation). A consequence of emotional dysregulation are maladaptive coping strategies as dissociation, impulsivity, projection, withdrawal, suppression, and avoidance. This way of coping becomes pathological over time, reinforced, and becomes their normative behavior when they are emotionally heightened.

Lastly, I thought 2 therapy sessions and a lot of reading would help me with this process. However I feel she knew I was getting help and not responding, so by her randomly coming home and saying these crazy things, it is her form of control. You really cannot beat a BPD person at their own game... .In the end, you will only hurt.

Sometimes it is about control, other times the behavior is about their own self-survival.  I agree it can be absolutely confusing at times. You are right, you can not beat a pwBPD at their own game, but you can understand where the behavior stems from. I know it is hard to understand, but the erratic and dramatic behavior has nothing to do with you.

Taking it day to day sounds like a good plan. What are your expectations of her?

[Repetition]

Thanks again EaglesJuju for an awesome response.

Today I read more on invalidation and look up some more ideas on positive association. Last night I noticed alot of splitting happen right before my eyes, however the invalidation I was adding did not help. I packed the house up mostly, then unpacked it when she came back(to help ease her mind with the clutter problem she has mentioned many times).

All I really hope is this, that she doesn't paint me fully black causing me to leave for a while, till she tries again. I have tried NC with her for a year and I still recycled and it was much better that last time. I didnt know she had BPD till I went to my 1st therapy meeting, to which I was told she might have it. Knowing she did in fact talk to a therapist before(4 different ones) I asked her some questions and she brought up BPD before I could even mention it. I have journal after journal and recorded videos to myself(I like to see facial expression) about why we didnt work x time or y time... .As soon as I mentioned like 3 things to my T, he almost knew exactly what I Was talking about. It all made sense at that point what she has been existing on, feelings(that are facts to her).

Because the ante was so High this time(engaged and living together, with the 2 dogs) I find it hard to walk away and not talk to her ever again, to which I know I cannot do... .So I am trying to figure out if I can in fact exist here with her, but not get painted(if not already) black. We have been doing this dance for 11 years and it goes on about every 2 years, till may-june. Thus my user name, Repetition.

[EaglesJuju]

Today I read more on invalidation and look up some more ideas on positive association. Last night I noticed alot of splitting happen right before my eyes, however the invalidation I was adding did not help. I packed the house up mostly, then unpacked it when she came back(to help ease her mind with the clutter problem she has mentioned many times).

Validation is an important communication technique. PwBPD can be very hypersensitive  to feelings or things they perceive as criticism. Mainly because  pwBPD  interprets feelings as facts. Feelings/emotions are so intense and overwhelming for pwBPD and there is a tendency for pwBPD to solely rely on feelings instead of rationality or logic.

I was invalidating my bf quite often. I would often tell him that he should feel happy instead of sad or downplaying his feelings. I thought I was being helpful, but it was incredibly invalidating.  I started learning and practicing communication techniques. On the other hand, I had issues with discussing concerns or my own feelings with him. I would get anxiety when I felt that I was being invalidated and wanted to address an issue. After learning how to effectively communication, I stopped getting anxiety and worry about communicating with him. Now I can discuss pretty much anything with him. It has really helped me with not only my bf, but other people in my life.  Take a look at this link.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Because the ante was so High this time(engaged and living together, with the 2 dogs) I find it hard to walk away and not talk to her ever again, to which I know I cannot do... .So I am trying to figure out if I can in fact exist here with her, but not get painted(if not already) black. We have been doing this dance for 11 years and it goes on about every 2 years, till may-june. Thus my user name, Repetition.

You have quite a history with your pwBPD.  I  understand your concerns about being worried by being devalued through splitting (painted black). I have been there and gone through periods where I was painted blacker than night. It is really tough to cope with.  

That is interesting that there is a pattern to her devaluation. Many times periods of dysregulation is followed by coping mechanisms, such as dissociative splitting. Usually certain times of the year or holidays, can trigger dysregulation. Recognizing cycles or patterns of behavior helps.  What has happened in the past when you are painted black?

[Thread]

Eaglesjuju,

I've notice the issues around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, what is that about?

[EaglesJuju]

Eaglesjuju,

I've notice the issues around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, what is that about?

Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries can be highly stressful for pwBPD. When a situation or environment is very stressful it can overwhelm someone who has a proclivity for  emotional vulnerability, high baseline of negative affectivity, intense response to emotional stimuli, and high sensitivity to emotional stimuli.

Also, certain times of the year can trigger emotions/feelings, especially if they associate the certain periods with negative emotions/feelings. PwBPD will remember the feeling/emotion associated with a certain event and it triggers emotion linked responses. 

[Repetition]

Just wanted to update this post, as I find little to no information on BPD and pets.

My BPDgf has been to therapy for some weeks now. She started to leave Roxas and Sora at home, with me while she went away to deal with herself on the weekends. It was not untill she was really in the gutter that she claimed little fault and went to see a new T. Fast forward a little, she is currently with Sora, one of our huskys, in a different state staying with family. She decided to leave here and travel for 2 weeks, so she could avoid the people and places that were adding her false self and causing huge distress and self-harm(i.e. binge drinking, cheating, spending). I told her that I still care about her and if she wanted, she could take Sora, instead of Roxas(the other husky) if she wanted... and she did.

She was triggered(back in march) by the death of her first snake. I failed to see the trigger, as I was dealing with personal stuff as well, but she finally talked with me about it 2 weeks ago. She is also aware of her abandonment with the dogs and has apologized a handful of times this week. She is finally accepting her part in their life and I am going to continue to push validation. Moreover, I will continue to have us both stay in separate Therapy, as it has proven the most helpful thing to our r/s and self image.

I would also like to add,

pwBPD struggle with time frames, its all based on the now, even their interpretations of the now are often incorrectly interpreted.

This line from a member on here, has helped me look past a lot of negative, and push past invalidation of self. I needed to do that so that I could be there for not only all the animals, but myself aswell. Boundaries and Validation are all great tools I have learned from bpdfamily.