Elderly BPD hermit-waif mom in crisis (was Thansgiving Alone)

[Turkish]

Frozen pizza. It's D'Giorgno!

Volunteering in the community tomorrow. Then maybe going to work. No kids since they are with my uBPDx per the custody stipulation. I told S5 he could call me if he wanted. He said he wouldn't. Ok. I get them Friday for the day, then their mom gets them the rest of the weekend. Last year, the day after Thanksgiving, I took us to the Indian Casino buffet, which was the bomb...

Saturday, I'm driving 2.5 hours to do an intervention with my mom. She got some snow tonight. She has no heat (26F tonight where she lives). I don't want her living with me, but I know it's the right thing to do, offer, or try. Despite living 120 miles away, I could easily have her declared incompentent. A call to the county health department would result in getting kicked out of her home. It would be the worst case of that show Hoarders, plus no heat. Indescribable filth. I have a high tolerance, but I'm thinking of taking my construction respirator

My brother from another mother said, "she must have an awesome immune system to deal with the mold, animal waste, and cigarrete smoke." Maybe that's why she beat breast and ovarian cancers which took her mom and her sister over 20 years younger than she is now. My mom had a mastectomy and her ovaries removed within the past 5 years.

My initial insticts are to take control. State the obvious, that she's dying, and incapable of taking care of herself now. I've been here for over two years. I know the validation tools. That my mom admits that she has BPD should help, but it makes me more angry. I really don't want her living with us,.but I know that it's the right thing to offer. I'll.update once I hopefully see her Saturday. "the kids and I will be up Christmas week. Get your affairs in order to come back with us."

I need to work on my message.

[Take2]

Happy Turkey Day Turkish!

Ugh to what you are facing this weekend.  If your mom is anything like my mom was, when faced with straight forward common sense and you taking control, she will flip out and rage at you... .  of course I didn't know about or use any validation tools back when my mom was alive.  I didn't even know about BPD back then... .  so hopefully you will have a much more favorable outcome... . 

Good luck... .!

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish

How was your pizza?

The situation with your mother is complicated. I hope you'll be able to find a solution that gets her out of her current unhealthy environment while still allowing you and your children your space.

Are you thinking about having your mother move in with you or having her move into a place nearer to you?

How is your message coming along?

[busybee1116]

How did it go? I don't think confronting her with obvious will work with someone who has BPD, at least my experience. If she is unsafe, report her to APS or county health and let the system do its magic. Avoid the drama triangle. Stating obv--you persecute. Cleaning up her mess, you rescue. Complaining that she is source of your anger--you are victim. How can you move to the middle? Be compassionate without being entangled?

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  Happy belated Thanksgiving.  I had pizza too and enjoyed it while sitting on my couch watching Dr. Who episodes.   

How did the intervention with your mom go?

[Turkish]

The Chinese- Vietnamese place near my home was open. It was beef chow-fun night!  

I spent 5 hours on the road today, there and back again.

Small mountain community, so i stopped at the local general store to get some food and don another layer of clothes. I asked the ladies at the counter if they knew my mom. They did, and I introduced myself. One of the ladies recognized me. They were worried about her, and her driving. They gave me the number of my mom's friend. As I was about to walk out, my mom walked in (the girls said that she spends sometimes hours there). One of the girls said, "did she see you?" since my mom looked our way. I said no, so I walked over and said, "hi mom." She started crying and hugged me, telling me it was so good to see me and that she thought I had abandoned her. I said that I had come up to check on her since her phone wasn't working. My brother from another mother had seen her last week,.and was worried. We went outside for a smoke while her food was being heated.

I dispensed with a long introduction and said that t might be time for her to move to the city with me. She said that she loved the mountains. I said that I did too, but that we have a home with heat, and AC for the summer (she commented that that would be nice). I said her grandkids would be there half the time. I said that she could take car of the yard (I'd do the mowing and heavy things, of course). Then she said, "what about my animals?" I said it was just the chickens and the dogs. She could bring one dog, thinking, the devil chihuaha will kick the bucket soon, and we can get a nice dog. She talked about a lab. Nice dogs, good companions. Then she started in on the chickens, her other favorite subject in addition to The Apocalypse.

I said that we weren't going to put in a chicken coop. She told me to be a trailblazer, and how much store eggs were inferior. I said I eat eggs, but not many, and my picky kids won't touch them. I let it go. She also thinks she's a Doomsday prepper. She started asking me if my garage had ceilng storage space (she's a hoarder). I said, "not really." I told her that she could bring whatever could fit in my small car. A bag of clothes. Her china. I sad that we had Goodwill and Salvation Army (second hand stores). I'm not cheap. My mom loves thrift stores.

I said that I would get pay tv. She asked about her books. I said I would get her a tablet. The kids could teach her. She laughed. I said that we could take care of the legal stuff with her properties, and the back taxes, from afar. I said that I had the money, but that there needed to be a goal, and end in sight, not to throw $$ down a black hole. She considered this.

Then she asked me if I remembered a lady who used to live in the community. She said that her friend "heard on the internet" some demeaning things the lady said about my mom. My mom said that she was so devastated that she was suicidal. She didnt say this to get attention, but matter-of-factually. My mom can go SI, but never plans anything. It makes me wonder how many times she was like this as a child. When I was a teen and she lost her property after losing her job, I am sure she was. Those were horrible times i'd like to forget.  I still couldn't understand what she "listened to" on the internet. We ate, then I offered to go meet her friend. My mom locked up her truck and we were off.

Her friend, another widow, was quite the character. Loud, foul-mouthed (my mom warned me), but was nice. We exchanged contact info. She showed me what the lady had said on the internet. She said to my mom, "I know this upsets you, I won't read it out loud, he can read it.  What her friend did was send out a message on facebook asking if anyone knew my mom. The lady answered back by IM, a private message. Other than one inaccurate statement, there was nothing malicious in the content. It was something like, "i was at the house once. Her ceilings are caving in, and her son has tried to get her to move in with him, but she won't." i highlighted those lines with the mouse, turned to her friend and said, "those things are true." The other lady was at my mom's house about 8 years ago. If only she could see it now.

I'm not sure how much to share with her friend, like that in addition to depression, my mom suffers from s shame-based disroder. As early as I can remember (4? 5?), I recall my mom telling me how homely she was. Her friend, though a likable character, indicated she had issues, too, with a few jokes about therapy. At least she can joke about it. She's a good foil for my mom. Maybe... .

After maybe convincing my mom to move down before winter's end, the lady and my mom had talked while I went outside to cool off due to the wood stove being too hot (and they were both chain smokng; I wasn't) I came back inside   and heard, "so you're thinking Spring, eh?"  

As my mom and I were walkng to the car to leave, my mom asked again where the kids were, as if they were in the car, or I had left them somewhere nearby... I reminded her that they were with their mom this weekend.

We got back to the store and she had locked her keys in her truck. My poor old 4x4, which other than two minor dents when I gave it to her, was in top condition. The first year she blew the clutch; the next, she blew the engine. The tailgate was held on by a cable, dented up badly, because she had backed into a tree. I tried not to show my frustration, as the sun was setting, and I had a 130 mile drive home. I said, "so are you going to call the tow service?" She said that she had over used them, and they wouldn't come. I was going to use mine, getting more pissed that I'd be stuck there an extra hour. My mom seemed non-chalant. A crisis is par for the course. A girl from the store brought out a coat hanger to break in. I pried the weather stripping apart with my pocket knife and started committing what would be a felony on anyone else's vehicle.

A guy who was driving out of the gas station stopped and sad out his window, "not to insult you guys but is the back sliding window unlocked?" He caught me mid-stroke as I was stabbing the coat hanger into the door, attempting to find the latch. I reached over to tug the window and it was indeed unlocked. I gave him a thumbs-up, and climbed into the bed over the trash she had in the back. I'm a big guy, and I was barely able to squeeze myself far enough in to undo a door lck. Relieved!

My mom wanted me to stay for a smoke, but I said I had to get back. About 20 miles down the road, I came upon an accident. An SUV had gone over a steep enbankmemt, at least a 40ft drop, and it was pretty cruched up. EMS was on the scene. I saw the skid marks across both lanes. Who knows? Maybe I avoided the accident due to being delayed by the key incident. Maybe BPD, depression, and dementia saved my life!

[unicorn2014]

Frozen pizza. It's D'Giorgno!

My daughter and I spent Thanksgiving alone too. We were supposed to go to my brother's house in another city but then my daughter felt nauseous, and then she told me she lost her phone the day before, so that blew everything. She complained about being lonely because she didn't have a sibling and asked me to make her an apple pie, which I did.

[Kwamina]

Maybe that's why she beat breast and ovarian cancers which took her mom and her sister over 20 years younger than she is now. My mom had a mastectomy and her ovaries removed within the past 5 years.

Your mother has been through a lot Turkish.

I'm not sure how much to share with her friend, like that in addition to depression, my mom suffers from s shame-based disroder. As early as I can remember (4? 5?), I recall my mom telling me how homely she was.

Shame is such a powerful and destructive emotion. Does your mother still make these kinds of disparaging comments about herself? Do you think this is related to the horrible way she was treated by her father? I can see how what he did to her could have this affect on her.

I came back inside   and heard, "so you're thinking Spring, eh?"

I hope you'll succeed in getting her out of there before the cold arrives.

Maybe BPD, depression, and dementia saved my life!

Now that would be something!  That after all these years we children of BPD parents could actually say that BPD saved our lives

[Turkish]

My mom called tonight. I was driving the short distance home from the store with the kids and had the phone in my pocket. The number was "unavailable."

After getting home,.putting things away and sticking the kids in front of nerflix,.I called the number on the business card that my mom's friend had given to me. I was right,.she was there.

Her mood was vastly improved, by seeing me on Saturday, I guess. She said that the phone company hooked her up with a new phone. Some guy had volunteered (poor bastid) to go into her house (my old room) and locate the phone jacks in the hoarded mess. I hope he brings a respirator. It's that bad, and I'm not a wimp, but it is.

I asked her if she'd be ready in 3 weeks to come live in the city. She said it would be a big change, and that all her friends (enablers) were there in the mountains. At this point, I let it go. My brother from another mt her and I used to tarp her leaking roof every year. It's not a standard roof. It was kind of dangerous, and took us about 4 hours. I'm not offering this year. Let it leak.

So she's made her decision. I know that at some point I'll have to step in when it's reached a crisis point. She gets frostbite from having no heat, she falls (there is a history of that) or she gets into a car accident, because she really shouldn't be driving. Living from crisis to crisis has been her MO.

Over 20 years ago, a friend's mom, who also suffered from depression, tried to explain to me the rationale of living in "survival" mode. I didn't accept it then, and still don't. What I do accept is that she is who she is. Well, it is what it is. This could be a hard winter with snows not seen in years. She can't properly drive the then in good condition 4wd truck I gave her 7 years ago.

When I said goodbye after I let her talk to the kids,.she told me that she loved me. I usually say, "love you too, mom." I'm stuck in resentmemt, for the past I thought I'd moved past, the present,.and the future. Her friends/enablers won't have to inherit the mess. That lands on me as the only child.

[unicorn2014]

Turkish, I appreciate your honesty about the resentment. My parents don't say I love you. They're not demonstrative at all.

[Kwamina]

I asked her if she'd be ready in 3 weeks to come live in the city. She said it would be a big change, and that all her friends (enablers) were there in the mountains. At this point, I let it go.

Isn't her chihuahua one of her best friends? Maybe if you take the chihuahua your mother will follow too

So she's made her decision. I know that at some point I'll have to step in when it's reached a crisis point.

She gets frostbite from having no heat, she falls (there is a history of that) or she gets into a car accident, because she really shouldn't be driving. Living from crisis to crisis has been her MO.

It's sad knowing the difficult situation your mother is in and realizing that she is the main cause of her problems and seems unwilling or unable to do something about them. Perhaps she might still change her mind.

What I do accept is that she is who she is. Well, it is what it is.

Even when we accept something, it can still hurt and be difficult to deal with. Accepting that everything has a cause is part of radical acceptance. Your mother didn't choose to have BPD, but given the existence of this disorder, it unfortunately does make sense that things can be the way they are. It is what it is, I say that a lot too, it still hurts though.

When I said goodbye after I let her talk to the kids,.she told me that she loved me. I usually say, "love you too, mom." I'm stuck in resentmemt, for the past I thought I'd moved past, the present,.and the future. Her friends/enablers won't have to inherit the mess. That lands on me as the only child.

Perhaps we can find ways to help you deal with your resentment. Perhaps something from Ziggiddy's thread about exercises for self-insight can help you:

Exercises for self insight

Pete Walker has said something about dealing with thoughts about the past and future that you might also find helpful in your current situation:

"I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” - The Serenity Prayer"

Take care Turkish

[Confused#2]

Dear Turkish

I have spent so many Thanksgivings and Christmas alone I pretty much prefer it now but I do not have children so it must be hard to not enjoy the day with them. I hope you found some joy in the day.

Also reading about your situation with your mother breaks my heart. You are so strong to keep involved with her and I admire you greatly. I ran from my mother at 18yrs old and she died before I got strong enough to deal with her issues. Good wishes being sent your way. Take care of yourself.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Turkish,

I've been following your story as you write about your mom and your struggle with the situation. I don't want to offer advice that I really don't know how to give, but I wanted to share what I 'hear' as you write from who you are.

I hear you say many things that help you to put reality into words, assisting you with the processing.

I don't want her living with me, but I know it's the right thing to do, offer, or try. Despite living 120 miles away, I could easily have her declared incompentent.

My initial insticts are to take control. State the obvious, that she's dying, and incapable of taking care of herself now. I've been here for over two years. I know the validation tools. That my mom admits that she has BPD should help, but it makes me more angry. I really don't want her living with us,.but I know that it's the right thing to offer.

It is so hard to be in the place where you find yourself wanting to do what is right and what seems to be the best, yet it is declined.  You care for her, and that is very clearly heard in the words you shared.

I hear you sharing and exemplifying healthy boundaries as you carefully maneuvered through the maze of BPD mom when you saw her. I think that's worth some extra toppings on your D'Giorgno. 

So she's made her decision. I know that at some point I'll have to step in when it's reached a crisis point.

I'm stuck in resentmemt, for the past I thought I'd moved past, the present,.and the future. Her friends/enablers won't have to inherit the mess. That lands on me as the only child.

Something else I hear is that you are not living in denial, and you are in touch with your feelings, no matter what they are. Knowing how tough these steps are for a child of a parent with BPD, what an amazing journey you must have been on to get this far! 

Lastly I'd say I hear your grief for your mom. I'm sorry you have to go through all this and the things you expect to come later on because of her choices. I recall clearly the day I finally came to grips with my own uBPD mom and my feeling that she'd never be at peace until she died and came to her place of peace in heaven. I still have trouble imagining her at peace because it was never a site I saw.

May you be at peace as much as you can with this tough situation, and take time to see the positive in you.

Wools

[Turkish]

Thanks, Wools. I'm on a taco kick this week: marinated beef, pork (Al Pastor), and Chipotle chicken to grill and dice; fresh cilantro, diced onions, tomatoes, guacamole, various salsas on steamed corn tortillas (microwaving them in a sandwich bad keeps them moist as opposed to a quick grill on the stove). Too bad the kids don't like any of that except for the tortillas foolish children. It's hot dogs and spaghetti for them this weekend!

I was thinking today that my mom moving to the city after 32 years in the woods might be the equivalent of putting her into a nursing home to die a slow, wasting, and empty death. I'll intervene when it becomes time. My concern is that it will be some accident. She has a chance to leave with some modicum of control. When I have to intervene, no one will like it, but que sera sera.

I hear you about heaven. It would be grand to see her healed of all that has plaugued her for her entire life. It ain't gonna happen in this life; I accepted that long ago. What did my T say? "Sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." Sometimes however, there's only so much you can do.

Parrot: "I will not repetitively examine details over and over."

But that's how my mind works. 

[Woolspinner2000]

You might try wrapping the hot dogs in tortillas for your kids  . Who knows, you might start a new trend!

I was concerned for years about how I'd deal with my mom when she got sick and had to go to a nursing home. Man, would she be a pill to handle! God was gracious to us though. Her diagnosis of cancer and death 16 days later was merciful to us all. Somehow all those things I repeatedly thought about didn't happen. May God be gracious to you as well.


Wools

[Turkish]

Despite he she lives, and smoking since she was 16 (or earlier), my mom's outlived her mother, who dropped dead of a heart attack in a cannery at 49 (in the late '50s, I think)... .but that my mom found out from her brother a few years ago had less than a year to lve due to varian cancer), and her older sister from ovarian cancer in '82. My mom had a mastectomy due to breast cancer 5 years ago, and a hysterectomy due to polyps 3 years ago. As my mom would say, "she's a tough old broad." Her sister died in her early 50s. My mom turns 74 at the end of winter. Her sister never smoked, and lived a happily married middle-class lifestyle.

My brother from another mother, whom I've known for 30 years, posits that living harshly and in filth may have stregnthened her immune system. Who knows?

[Turkish]

I was picking up the kids today, and as I had finished loading them into the car, I got a call from the same area code my mom lives in, so I answered.

My mom had checked herself into the county hospital because her memory lapses concerned her, so they are doing full, lab work-ups. The nurse put me on with her. She sounded ok. However, the guy that was supposed to fix her phone got drafted to do fire clean-up, along with "3/4ths of the males in the county." My mom s always attached to flakey people (in retrospect, I first observed this when I was less than 10), but this is probably true. They had a horrible wild fire a couple of months ago, one of the worst in memory.

I thanked her for calling, and said to call from her friend's house one she got out of the hospital.

She said that she wouldn't be doing that.  She asked if I had talked to her friend, the one I visited last weekend with her. I said no, other than for a few seconds when I called a few days ago. My mom said that her friend said that she talked to me for 2.5 hours. I assured her that I had not. My mom said, "good, she's dangerous." So is this my mom splitting a good friend yet again (something I've seen my whole life), or real? My mom told me to not say anything to anyone in the county because things get around. My gut tells me that there might be a sliver of truth to this. The lady was eccentric and gruff enough that I didn't entirely trust her. Maybe my mom was a "project" who knows?

So now I have no one to contact about her vitality. Maybe the good thing is that this will drive my mom to realize that she needs to move to the city with us and get out of a situation where she isn't safe (the scumbag attacking her in June), nor able to make safe friends. I like to think that in middle age I can handle her splitting me if we get into arguments about putting a chicken coop in my suburban backyard, or a million gallon water tank in anticipation of The Apocalypse, but I won't handle splitting of my kids, nor interference in my raising of them. The wolf hackles are already rising.

However, one thing at a time  

[Kwamina]

She asked if I had talked to her friend, the one I visited last weekend with her. I said no, other than for a few seconds when I called a few days ago. My mom said that her friend said that she talked to me for 2.5 hours. I assured her that I had not. My mom said, "good, she's dangerous." So is this my mom splitting a good friend yet again (something I've seen my whole life), or real? My mom told me to not say anything to anyone in the county because things get around. My gut tells me that there might be a sliver of truth to this. The lady was eccentric and gruff enough that I didn't entirely trust her. Maybe my mom was a "project" who knows?

Indeed, who knows what's really going here? Time will tell I guess.

I do find it a positive sign that your mom was self aware enough to go to the hospital and didn't ignore these problems. Seems like a good thing that she's getting a full check up.

I like to think that in middle age I can handle her splitting me if we get into arguments about putting a chicken coop in my suburban backyard, or a million gallon water tank in anticipation of The Apocalypse, but I won't handle splitting of my kids, nor interference in my raising of them. The wolf hackles are already rising.

However, one thing at a time  

One thing at a time is a good strategy I don't know if I would trust a pack of wolfs with a chicken coop anyway  

[Woolspinner2000]

One thing at a time is a good strategy I don't know if I would trust a pack of wolfs with a chicken coop anyway  

Oh! How the small print has me laughing! Good point Kwamina! 

Wools

[Turkish]

After watching my son for a few hours while his sister did some girl things with my uBPD ex, I left her parents' house quickly after being triggered by my Ex. Going into work was relaxing, actually.

As I was about to leave, I got a call from my mom's "dangerous" friend. Through the conversation, the friend told me that she was bi-polar herself, and more stuff about her years of therapy and familiarity with psych medications. This was in the context of things she told me about my mom.

Apparently, the hypothyroidism may have been a mis-diagnosis. They are now diagnosing her with PTSD. The friend, (whom I'll call "W" said that my mom got some heavy tranquilizers, and they were arguing about what it was for. Here I shared that my mom has been suicidal. My mom is a former registered nurse, hence the arguments. She said that she got into two accidents the previous week before I had gone up there two weeks ago. My mom told me something, but not the details. W said that she had taken two short drives with my mom and that W had to grab the wheel several times to get my mom out of the oncoming lane. It's a two-lane state highway which winds through the mountains.

W also said that in addition to the memory problems, that my mom had been hallucinating a lot. W said that she received a letter from the DMV for an appointment to come in to reevaluate her driving. There is no way she will pass. She needs her license pulled. Period. Living back on a dirt road, a mile from the nearest store (and there are no sidewalks, or pedestrian access), this will mean that she can no longer stay there.

[unicorn2014]

Turkish I don't know where you wrote about not trusting compliments so I'm sorry if this is the wrong thread but I'm totally with you on that one, especially when it comes to the pwBPD. I may start a separate thread on that.

[Turkish]

Turkish I don't know where you wrote about not trusting compliments so I'm sorry if this is the wrong thread but I'm totally with you on that one, especially when it comes to the pwBPD. I may start a separate thread on that.

You can resurrect this thread we did on PI in 2014... .or start your own. Accepting Compliments

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  Have you thought about how you are going to approach your mother re: no longer driving and having to move?

What about care for her if she does move in with you?

This is going to be a big change for both of you, though I have no doubt that you will mange quite well with adjusting to a new routine and new "normal".

Take good care.