I have noticed a kind of "dissociation" in myself, although it doesn't really fit the descriptions of PTSD, sometimes when I have been criticized in a way that the person seems to intend as shaming, I hear the words coming out of my mouth (and can usually stand by my response afterwards) but it feels like the words are not coming from me. Lose focus, trying to read something simple like a menu and can't concentrate. So I think I kind of get it.
Do you think your anxiety and dissociation happens because merely contemplating being in the presence of your mother brings up this intense fear/memory/snapshot of how she used to treat you? (i.e. "here it goes all over again, the reason why I am estranged from her in the first place, because of this hurt), as well as your other relatives who will not acknowledge that your mother was emotionally abusive? The invalidation of her emotional abuse, as well as invalidation on top of invalidation from your relatives who are all running around telling each other that the sky is green, as it were.
Does your therapist believe what you say about your mother? If so, are you able to really take that validation in, does it sink in on an emotional level?
(I ask because my therapist says all the time that certain things weren't my fault but there is a part of me that was just so hurt that it's hard to open past a certain degree of emotional intimacy. My trauma was not that severe but repeated, and I am like a "sponge", sensitive, and the curse of an excellent memory)
Just wondering what the possibilities are regarding you being heard and validated by people who are capable of doing so, which might act as a "buffer" when you have to go someplace and be around people who cannot.
First paragraph--that does sound like mild dissociation--but more voluntary? than involuntary. I used to use dissociation as my primary defense mechanism, because I had no where to run to and I wasn't allowed to fight my mom on anything. School for the time it got bad was not a safe haven, since I was bullied pretty much K-5th grade. So it's more like an ingrained habit I have when things get tough. I managed to break most of it over time and by myself because most of my therapists were idiots who couldn't recognize things like race/ethnicism and so on.
Dissociation kinda feels like a fog--like the soft lens focus or that fog you feel when you first wake up in the morning. People do opt to dissociate normally and that's not bad, but when it's a permanent fixture as a way to check out of everything--that's when it becomes detrimental.
Because I dissociate when I'm awake, when I'm asleep it feels a lot more vivid--because I can *feel* things, and that's about the time it gets a little dangerous.
On the relatives... .it's really discouraging when they won't listen to anything I say around the subject--and it gets tricky. I'd agree it's more like reliving the trauma in my head and then my own brain trying to block me remembering the trauma (dissociation). My relatives rather not talk about it, rather not hear anything about it and shut down. And I've been blamed a few times for cutting off contact by other relatives too (because apparently if you're adopted, you're supposed to be grateful for life. *eyeroll*) They rather blame it on adoption issues, that I simply don't understand well enough, that I didn't try hard enough, that I simply did not try hard enough to understand my mother's childhood abuse. (Apparently that's an excuse for more abuse?) In another words it *has* to be something else besides she's emotionally abusive.
I have a good therapist that listens to me and validates me, but might be in over their head since I probably have c-PTSD, which is resisting the usual avenues of treatment. Maybe because I used meditation, mindfullness, etc to manage while I was getting the abuse... .maybe... .not sure. I thought about medication, but the family doctor didn't think it was it's severe enough to warrant medication since I only have mild to moderate depression and anxiety and I have reservations about it. I haven't read anything about treating my level of dissociation with medication. (It's a defense mechanism, anyway).
By nature, though before the abuse, I was rather extroverted, but shy and I liked talking about a lot of things including my feelings. Because of my race and so on, no one found it abnormal when I became quiet. So I find it frustrating not being able or allowed to share that.
As I see it, I have a few choices... .I can find a way not to go and apologize to everyone about it, or I can put up with the worsening mental health until I do go and try to minimize the damage along the way.
I could also choose to not physically go to the wedding and show support by just showing up in the city that my cousin is in.
I'm not that versed in how to go about any of those options though.
