Slow to Pinpoint the Issue with Spouse

[InnerCrone]

My spouse and I met when I was 11. "You think you know a guy... ." is an understatement.

If he has BPD, it is totally not diagnosed. And I don't think anybody would know unless they lived with him. But the abandonment, the arguments out of nowhere, the distrust for no reason, distorted thinking about social norms- that's all showing up.

I don't know if I can say that there is black and white thinking. But I can say that there are extreme generalities. Like if I get a cold shoulder all day, then false accusations are made about my character, my intentions as a mother, my intentions about being faithful, and then I finally object, then he will say "We BOTH attacked eachother."

His home life as a kid was just gawd-awful. It is perfectly understandable for him to have abandonment issues. He has a lot of impulse control issues. On some subjects insists that I make all of the decisions, then on other issues he turns into a control freak. He over-spends, he has emotional immaturity issues, and he sulks and gets very passive aggressive when he feels entitled to something.

He also goes all martyr when he decides that I'm not allowed to have an opinion that is different from him: Example: He brings out a movie. I make a face.

"Really?" He says "I'll put it back." using THE VOICE. Crap. I try a save "No, hon. Sorry- play the movie." I try to convince him- asking him over and over to play it.

Nope. He puts it back. Later he will accuse me of "not letting him" watch a movie and cast me as Witchzilla. <----- I just now made that up and maybe I should have used it for my user-name?

There is also a lot of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde stuff going on too- and it gets even more complicated... .

My husband has MS. He's been diagnosed with depression. He smoked for years. Every few months he falls off the wagon and has a cigarette or a pack of cigarettes. He is very susceptible to medication side effects.

When he is taking MS disease modifiers that are agreeable, PLUS the correct amount of anti-depressants, PLUS he is not experiencing niccotine withdrawals- then I have a hell of a guy. I absolutely fall in love with this man all over again. He's gentle. He's cute with our 3 year old daughter. He's sensitive. He makes me things. He's engaged and loving and thoughtful and easy to talk to. And WOW- funny. Pee your pants funny.

But when the stars arent's aligned... .Then I get this psycho. And oh! The best part? He accuses me of everything that he is actually doing. AND? He tells our friends. Like totally misrepresents me to neighbors, friends, community people and makes me out to be Witchzilla.

(I'm thinking now that maybe I would not mind this so much if I got to have, you know- a cape, and purple smoke around my feet and really cool theme music by Danny Elfman.)

Okay. Finally- things aren't as bad now as they have been in the past. But they are not great. And I do notice one thing that wears me down badly.

He ruins special occasions. R.U.I.N.S.

We had Mr. Sulk for 4th of July. The same guy for Mother's day and my birthday.

Suck. Seriously, just effing suck.

He was awful the day that my daughter was born two months early as I sat in the hospital bed scared out of my mind and taking his bull. He is awful when I am dealing with scary or very sad things, like when I got very sick with a life threatening illness. Or like when my mother had cancer, or like when a friend dies. It is now to the point where I do not grieve in front of him because I cannot handle an argument on top of my worry or sadness.

The times when I need reassurance, or compassion or someone fun to celebrate something, then I get Angry-Blamey-Sulk-Guy.

The times when I don't have any emotional needs at all that he can see- when I'm just all smiles- then he is bright and peaceful and ready to grant any wish that I barely mention. 

Aaaaaaaand then there's me. I'm no picnic either. I have ADD. I have a crappy childhood history as well. I have one family member that I can trust. So when he is triggered and on the offensive, it hits my malajustments like a "contempt assault." 

I am also an introvert. I know that my husband gets jealous of my friends, but I also like doing my own thing away from the crowd. (in fact, I REALLY do not like crowds.) I don't think this is the greatest situation. I think we need to build relationships and have more friends in our lives, but his jealousy and my homebody loner stuff will be a double challenge to that. But I want to give my daughter a chance to be around people.

So I wonder if I'm not in a position of having the psychological fortitude to actually handle his mood issues. But I won't consider any alternative that involves a separation. We have a daughter. She will have both of us and no step-whatevers.

And finally, I've been dealing with all of this on my own for a long time now. I haven't had anybody to talk to about any of it. Like- at all.

So that's me and hello everybody. I will see you around the boards. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums! This is a great place to find support and not feel so alone.

There are a lot of things about your story that I can relate to as my husband can be the biggest sweetest teady bear ever. Or, he can be a big giant douche bag. But his douche baggery is more like that of a grown man child rather than the overt abusive stuff.

I love the image you gave of witchzilla with the shoes and cape and smoke!

One of the things that are pointed out to those that are new here is the Lessons. You can find them down the right side of this forum. It sounds like you are already pretty self aware so that is a good thing. The lessons on understanding your partner's behavior is pretty good and so is the one on understanding your role in the relationship. I always knew that I wasn't a walk in the park but I couldn't see how some of my idiosyncracies/crapulence was contributing to my husband's douche baggery.

[InnerCrone]

Yeah... .the overt abusive stuff has me questioning a lot. But the first thing I have to question is myself. My mom married 3 narcissists- one of them was extremely abusive. He spent a decade in jail and is on parole and in court ordered rehab for abusing other kids.

She was with him from when I was 5-12.

The aftermath was badly mismanaged and I wasn't offered any recovery options in my teen years. I was pretty messed up. My friends encouraged me to graduate. I moved away, saw as little as possible of my family of origin and got my butt into therapy.

So all of the language and resources that I have regarding mental health is regarding abuse. So am I characterizing my husband right in my descriptions? Or does his dbaggery just feel like it is worse? Maybe the tools I have from abuse therapy are doing me a disservice today- like: If all I have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

Or- did I wind up puting myself in a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship after trying to avoid exactly that for decades?

Sigh.

I do need some tools to define what is what and make sense of all of this. Thank you for pointing out the lessons here. Looks like I have some reading to do.

Thanks for saying howdy, VOC. 

[vortex of confusion]

Do you feel physically threatened by him? Has he ever hit you? Are you afraid of him at all?

I am putting those questions out there to think about. I know that I have had a very difficult time explaining my situation to others. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I am the only one out of my siblings and parents that has never been to jail or a  mental institution. I have read so much stuff about abuse and abusive relationships that I tend to see a whole lot of stuff through that lens. It makes it very difficult to make heads or tails out of things.

What makes it even more confusing for me is that I know my husband has done some things that could be considered abusive but I don't consider him to be an abusive person. I look at him more as a petulant child. I think that I recently came to the conclusion that there is a lot of stuff that my husband does that I am overly sensitive about. That over sensitivity comes from how things were in my FOO. I am overly sensitive to any kind of mad yelling. I recently had CPS called on me because I vented too much to a life coach. I used phrases like, "He yells too much." In my sensitive mind, any yelling is too much. I don't ever like feeling like I am in trouble or that I am displeasing somebody. I want my life to be peaceful. I have such a difficult time describing my life and my situation to others because, yes, my husband can be a super jerk at times, but that is not the sum total of who he is as a person.

If I focus on the frustrating parts, I feel like it gets taken out of context. When I try not to focus on the frustrating parts, then I sound friggin' crazy because he seems like such a great guy.   

How long have the two of you been married? I know that you met when you were 11. When I married my husband, that is when things started to gradually change.

[Elizabeth22]

Hello, InnerCrone. I am so sorry for the pain and abuse you are experiencing. This is a good place, people are kind and I am glad you are here.

You asked the question: "So I wonder if I'm not in a position of having the psychological fortitude to actually handle his mood issues."

I think you do, because I cannot stop laughing at how you own "Witchzilla" Like.A.Boss. I know having a sense of humor about things can just mean covering the pain, but your posts sound so strong to me, you seem very strong... .and very funny. That is not me in any way endorsing the abuse you are suffering, I am just saying I am impressed with your strength and wit (which I am personally sucking at right now... .). In the end, only you can decide what you want to do.

Welcome  

[goodintentions]

Hello, InnerCrone. These boards are a great place to learn and get encouragement, in my experience. I find myself often revisiting the lessons, and they really help if you work on them.

He ruins special occasions. R.U.I.N.S.

This is very common feeling for those of us affected. I joke about my triple-threat holiday (uBPDw's birthday, Valentine's day, and anniversary all within 2 weeks) which has historically been disastrous. But learning the triggers can help, and you can take back the power over your life by becoming more prepared for these moments and re-training your mind to respond differently and break the dysfunctional cycle. It's hard but rewarding work.

I am also an introvert. I know that my husband gets jealous of my friends, but I also like doing my own thing away from the crowd. (in fact, I REALLY do not like crowds.) I don't think this is the greatest situation. I think we need to build relationships and have more friends in our lives, but his jealousy and my homebody loner stuff will be a double challenge to that. But I want to give my daughter a chance to be around people.

Finding balance in your personal life - including your personal time and hobbies, and cultivating healthy and supportive friendships - is crucial. Your capacity to love and support him will only grow, when you are taking care of yourself. The lessons talk about how to approach this, as you are already well-aware of the potential or drama when you bring up your own needs.

Hope you find the lessons and tools valuable, and thank you for sharing your story here!

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, Innercrone! Welcome to BPDland, where everything is your fault and you are doing it on purpose to maim and destroy the one you love the most! *end sarcasm* 

Heehee welcome, dear. We have alllllll been there. Your H sounds quite similar to mine, as does your relationship. I am also an introvert, and recently my H is trying to go full recluse and crawl permanently up my behind. The problem is it's really tempting for me to just go ahead and bar myself indoors and play video games the rest of my life, but I know that's unhealthy.

The lessons on this board have helped reduce the dysregulations dramatically for us. He was wigging out every week or so before I found this place, now it's every few months or so.

On a bad day if you my husband, I am trying to ruin his life. I didn't check his order to make sure they put cheese on it because I don't love him enough. If someone is in the kitchen when he wants to go in there, he will starve because by god... people should know when he wants to eat and get out of there. If they don't, it's because their food intake is much more important. If I don't like something he does... .he will lecture on said thing's merits for hours. Heck... .even if I agree with him he might still try to sell me on it. 

On the good days, which thanks to this site has been more and more, he's intelligent, funny, sweet, caring and a hoot to be around. He knows something about everything.

Work those lessons, friend. You are not alone... .and you are not the crazy one.