Leaving because of silent treatment?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all, I have read about silent treatment in BPD relationships in one of the threads here and have been subjected to it quite extensively. He is doing it right now and since we don't live together, that basically means, that we are not in contact with each other.

There are many good suggestions about how to cope, how to not take it personally and how to behave in a way that doesn't reinforce this behaviour, but what I couldn't find is the following question that I have: what to do, when he is just avoiding me altogether?

We are not in a relationship, we had/have some kind of friends-with-benefits thing going on but were working on a friendship without extras and then he just stopped contacting me.

He's done it for the third time now and I'm really sick of it!

The first time happened after I took a time out because I needed to deal with the information he gave me about his childhood trauma (made me so sad and angry, that I needed time for myself). I told him, when I would contact him again and did as promised. But he ignored any attempt of mine and next thing was him having a girlfriend out of a sudden. Four months later, he contacted me out of the blue and apologized.

The second time he stopped contacting me, was, when he wanted to give his (new) ex a "second chance". We had already decided that we just wanted to be friends before that - no matter if we had partners or not. He called me about her, messaged me some days after and then started to make empty promises about calling me, etc. and then stopped contact alltogether. I just wanted to have closure of any kind, but that wasn't possible.

I called him about three months later and we talked to each other almost every day for four months... .until he started to withdraw again. He wanted to make up for that in promising me a big proof of his affection, but that failed (he wanted to come to a concert of mine but couldn't out of fear and immense pressure) and now he is ashamed. Which means: there is nothing coming from him, no reaction to my messages, no answering of my phone calls. We have talked about that in the past and he knows, that this behaviour hurts me more than anything. We have also worked on strategies to avoid it and were succesful - until now. I asked him via text message, when he will stop ignoring me and that I still consider us to be friends - even though his behaviour has hurt me and hurts me still. No reaction. Just nothing, nothing, nothing. I get the feeling that I have no other choice than leave him be and move on. What a ___ty way to end a friendship that supported us both!

I still can't accept that it is over and that's why I'm on the undecided board. I can't believe, that our friendship would end this way, but I can't do anything if he's not reacting or contacting me. He told me so many times, that he wanted to hold on to us and that he hoped this friendship would last despite his difficulties with any relationships - but HOW?

His silence really torments me. I need to end this but I still don't get it emotionally.

[Jan83]

Hey all, I have read about silent treatment in BPD relationships in one of the threads here and have been subjected to it quite extensively. He is doing it right now and since we don't live together, that basically means, that we are not in contact with each other.

There are many good suggestions about how to cope, how to not take it personally and how to behave in a way that doesn't reinforce this behaviour, but what I couldn't find is the following question that I have: what to do, when he is just avoiding me altogether?

We are not in a relationship, we had/have some kind of friends-with-benefits thing going on but were working on a friendship without extras and then he just stopped contacting me.

He's done it for the third time now and I'm really sick of it!

The first time happened after I took a time out because I needed to deal with the information he gave me about his childhood trauma (made me so sad and angry, that I needed time for myself). I told him, when I would contact him again and did as promised. But he ignored any attempt of mine and next thing was him having a girlfriend out of a sudden. Four months later, he contacted me out of the blue and apologized.

The second time he stopped contacting me, was, when he wanted to give his (new) ex a "second chance". We had already decided that we just wanted to be friends before that - no matter if we had partners or not. He called me about her, messaged me some days after and then started to make empty promises about calling me, etc. and then stopped contact alltogether. I just wanted to have closure of any kind, but that wasn't possible.

I called him about three months later and we talked to each other almost every day for four months... .until he started to withdraw again. He wanted to make up for that in promising me a big proof of his affection, but that failed (he wanted to come to a concert of mine but couldn't out of fear and immense pressure) and now he is ashamed. Which means: there is nothing coming from him, no reaction to my messages, no answering of my phone calls. We have talked about that in the past and he knows, that this behaviour hurts me more than anything. We have also worked on strategies to avoid it and were succesful - until now. I asked him via text message, when he will stop ignoring me and that I still consider us to be friends - even though his behaviour has hurt me and hurts me still. No reaction. Just nothing, nothing, nothing. I get the feeling that I have no other choice than leave him be and move on. What a ___ty way to end a friendship that supported us both!

I still can't accept that it is over and that's why I'm on the undecided board. I can't believe, that our friendship would end this way, but I can't do anything if he's not reacting or contacting me. He told me so many times, that he wanted to hold on to us and that he hoped this friendship would last despite his difficulties with any relationships - but HOW?

His silence really torments me. I need to end this but I still don't get it emotionally.

[OnceConfused]

It is hard to deal with the total silence.

It also seems to me that you want more than pure friendship from this relationship. Despite your comments that you are in a friendship without extra, I think you are still in the intimacy mode where constant companionship is needed. A pure friendship implies each is free to do as he/she wishes and when they can get together that is a plus not a requirement.

It just seems he is not totally into you (as a significant partner) and only talks to you when he needs someone to fill in the void of his in-between r/s.

Remember other will be who they are, and true love is when we let them be, and not expect them to change to fit the perfect image we have in mind. It seems to me that you want him to change to meet your expectations - that will result in your constant unhappiness. WOuld it be best just to move on and find other people that is more compatible with you ?

[Jan83]

Thank you, OnceConfused, I needed to hear that! Since I found this forum/page I feel like a total beginner in all things love/relationship-related, but it feels good, because now I can finally learn and improve.

He was always very clear about not wanting to be in a romantic relationship with me and at the beginning, I was too. We live in totally different worlds, which are not compatible in daily life. I guess I fell for the high intensity of our contact and felt seen, heard and understood like never before - things that I am craving. So, he was also there to fill a void. Sounds a little messed up, but it was the only kind of relationship-like arrangement I felt ready to commit to.

He ended his silence today, thanking me for reaching out to him. He wrote, that he now hopefully finds the courage to talk to me. I will keep your words in mind and double check my intentions.

And yes, I should look for someone more compatible. I'm just still scared, that I am completely unable to have a healthy and happy relationship. I am hopeful, that I can apply the methods described here to overcome my codependency issues (and perhaps also some kind of love-addiction). A long way to go... .

[OnceConfused]

Don't be scared. Just ask yourself the question WHY AM I DOING THIS, the next time you feel the attachment to him. That will uncover the hidden fear you  have of life.

Only by going inward that you will find who you really are. You will grow and be happy with the next RIGHT  person.

Take actions in changing whatever you are doing or feeling., then you will find happiness.