Trying not to feel sick inside

[thefixermom]

Comes from taking things personally, I know.    To recap, DD38 living with us since March.  Moving out across the country in early July.  I'm on high alert most every day, working to validate, stay lovingly detached, express love and support and basically take verbal abuse every day without flinching.  I believe she's making a huge mistake to move again... .a repeat of what she's done in the past to live with a friend she's lived with before several times and always turns sour.  She's exhausted if she goes to town and has to recover the next day. Yet, she is certain she will do fine working full time at a minimum wage job, pay some rent and do house cleaning for the rest of the rent.  She doesn't pick up after herself and her room is a disaster.  I think she will become depressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and be calling to complain about it constantly, which on a good note will prevent her from going NC.  However, I need a break and have stopped trying to get her see a healthier better alternative, because that would have her continuing to live with us.  

Anyway, back to what's happening here every day, I can feel it taking a toll on my insides, which is why I'm letting her go.

Sometimes, the way she talks to me, I can feel the back sides of my eyeballs well up like they want to cry... .but I don't cry.  I found out eons ago that crying just makes her come after me more with her putdowns, name calling and shame-ridden comments.  So I remain pleasant, even tempered, and calm and remind myself, she is ill and that it's not about me.  

A new thing has come into the mix.  We have rented a living space on the other side of our property to some friends of hers. A wonderful couple who are pleasant, responsible and very likable.  

It was DD's idea that they rent from us. However, DD has expressed to me she is certain that once she is gone these people are going to get to know me and love me and think I'm wonderful "and not know the truth" about what a psycho I really am.  

DD has been socializing with them and coming home with stories about how her friend's mother is crazy, too.  I know from history that DD welcomes any opportunity to tell her story about me to anyone who will listen. Her statement about her friend's mom lets me know that the subject of last night's get together was "about our crazy moms."  

As I type this, DD is raiding our refrigerator, playing her TV loud while my DH is trying to sleep and talking away too loudly about whatever trivia comes into her head. I am sitting here just wanting to explode, but riding it out like I always do.  I have heard DD's sordid stories about me and how "cruel and abusive" I was one day when I wouldn't let her come into the house to take a shower some years back after she had fallen in the mud.  :)D had her own travel trailer here at that time but it was a mess inside and she didn't want to take a shower in it.  I told her no, she could not come in the house. Why?  Because my DH at that time was at death's door and hanging on for dear life in his hospital bed at home.  

DD had said to him the following statements:

"You better be nice to me because  my mom is spending my inheritance trying to get you well"

"I hope you die and my mom lives a lonely life alone!"

But what really was the clincher was when she went into a full on rage, hit me and he had to jump out of bed to try to stop her.  I was scared to death he was going to die right then and there, as he was so very ill, weighed only 100 lbs and fighting pneumonia on top of kidney and liver problems.   He pleaded with me after that episode to "please not let her back in the house."  

So now, when she she tells this oft-repeated story (and many others just as convoluted) about her abusive mother she, of course, leaves out all the many vulgar, destructive, mean things she did to us day after day for long periods of time.  She also leaves out the tens of thousands of dollars we have spent on her over the years.  She herself, came into a tidy some of money three years ago, bought a car and blew the rest on fast food and shopping.  She claims that I caused her to lose that money because of the stress I brought into her life.  No accountability for her actions whatsoever.   She is better now, knows not to hit me, does not rage very often... .just throws insults and tells me to shut up.   As much as it will tear me apart to have her move so far away, and as much as I'm working to build a bridge between us, I am counting the days till she leaves... .and working through my FOG.

But what's really getting to me now is that these wonderful people who now on our property have had their head filled with horrible one-sided stories about what a sick and twisted person I am.  You might say, ":)on't worry about it because they will come to know you for who you are."   My DD has that covered, too.  

Her statement to everyone is:  

"Only I know how wretched my mother is.  She is so phony to everyone but me, making them think she is nice and sweet. But when she gets me alone, she does and says things that would turn your stomach.  She is vile and cruel and jealous of me succeeding so she lures me into vulnerable positions where I give up my plans and goals, telling me she will help me, and then once I'm under her roof she turns on me and systematically ruins my life.  She has turned my whole family against me to where I am isolated and can not go to family functions. This is why I have to move far away."  

Fact is, the whole family invites her to bbq's, holidays, various get togethers regularly and she always ignores them or on the rare occasion she responds, she says, "I would love to come but it's dangerous for me to be at these events with my mom there."  Never mind that she is living with me!   I suspect it's her pride that keeps her away because all of the family has witnessed her explosions and some have tried to help her with counsel or money and now they are all "asss" in her book because inevitably they come to the place where they say, "there's nothing more I can do for you. It's up to you."  

I will continue as I have once she moves out and no doubt get along very well with her friends living here, but I am always aware that inside their brains is lurking the thoughts my daughter put there about how I'm evil and hate my own daughter but behave nice to absolutely everyone else. And because the young woman apparently has a crazy mother, too (I suspect for real in her case), she will see me in similar light.  I can never say anything because it is my daughter's friend and I would never want to have her see my daughter in a lesser light than she does.  Right now, she knows my daughter as the charming, fun, entertaining and beautiful person she is.  She does not see the things my daughter does and says behind closed doors.  My daughter has basically described herself to this friend, only she attached all the bad behaviors to me.

I feel like I am living a punished life.  I will work to chase these judgments and projections away and just be my happy self.  But I want to admit somewhere, here, that there is an urge deep inside that wants to come to the surface and scream to her friends, "IT'S HER, NOT ME!"  

Thank you for allowing me to vent.  I just needed to have a place where I could unload, since I cannot unload on DD and do not want to add burdens to my longsuffering DH.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Wow, sounds like you are dealing with a lot of emotions over this issue.   You can only control yourself, not what others say and or do.  Keep true to yourself and take care of yourself.  Take the time to learn the tools and read the lessons so you will be prepared for conversations with/about your daughter and/or her friends.  Set reasonable boundaries you are willing to enforce, do it and don't feel guilty about it.  I think you will feel so much better if you can let go of some of your fears about what your daughter is saying about you.  That is out of your control, and what does it really matter any way? Maybe even seek therapy for yourself to help you deal with this. Last of all, I would encourage you to take some time after your daughter is gone and work up a plan for when/if things go wrong. You say they always do, so work with your loved one and get prepared.  Are you going to allow her to come back and live in your home again?  Are you going to bail her out with money?   Are you going to let her live with the consequences of her behavior?  What does that look like to the both of you?  Take the time to heal yourself---it wasn't until my husband and I worked together on some of the things I listed above that our daughter finally started getting better.  Now I have only positive things to say about her, our relationship and how she is dealing with BPD.  That was something I couldn't have believed possible a year ago.  Best wishes.  Please keep letting us know how things are going. I hope you are finding this website as helpful and supportive as I have.

[thefixermom]

Thanks, madmom.  Excellent advice.  My DH would love for us to have that conversation once she moves out.  I have gone a very long time doing well and feeling fairly stable and unharmed.  For some reason, it has been piling up on me recently.  Maybe part of it is that I really do like this couple who are renting from us and feel helpless and sad about being maligned by my daughter.  I'm even more sad about my daughter's rigidity in relating to me.  But I'm not walking around sad and forlorn.  Just expressing some deep hidden feelings that I'm noticing.  I still smile readily and am very occupied with friends, hobbies and chores.  I guess with this younger couple living so close and we will be interacting frequently it is affecting me more personally, knowing they will never be told the truth, so my pride is coming in to play.  On the upside, I'm really glad that my daughter has these people for friends as they are a positive influence.    :)oesn't bother me so much when DD tells her horrid stories to her friends who live elsewhere. Out of sight out of mind.   Well, I can tell you this... .it's just another opportunity for me to grow and learn to live with something.

I'm very very happy for the good news about you and your daughter's relationship, madmom!  

[lbjnltx]

Actions speak louder than words fixermom, over time the couple will see you for who you are. 

If they ever mention things that your daughter said about you what might you say in turn?  Something like... .

"I'm sad that my daughter feels that way about me, I love her so much."

I went through this many times with my daughter's friends... .funny thing is when her friends had problems at home she asked for them to come stay with us, could I talk to their parents and help, and "it's ok to talk to my Mom... .she understands".  A few of her closest friends would say things like "you're a lot nicer than I thought you would be". 

The truth comes out sooner or later... .


lbj

[thefixermom]

Thank you, lbjnitx, you always say something that brings me peace, and a thoughtful, loving way to respond if ever asked.

[lbjnltx]

So... .it is early July fixermom... .how is it going?

Is your daughter still moving forward with the relocation? 

What is the emotional temperature like at home?

lbj

[thefixermom]

You're so thoughtful, thank you, lbjnltx.  Yes, relocation is happening.  She leaves in 2 days for a cross country move and has not yet packed nor has she emptied out the temporary storage she has with us (my horse trailer), which she promised to empty weeks ago.   DH and I accepted between us that we would up likely doing that ourselves, .  But hey, there's still two days so we'll see.  It is typical for DD to get into emergency mode and plead for help at the last minute, after telling me to stop nagging any time I try to get the ball rolling sooner.  The temperature is fairly neutral.  She has had a couple episodes today where she told me I was a terrible mother and crazy and she will be glad to have me out of her life.  I'm afraid I did not validate her very well.  She made some good points and observations in that I had been dismissive of her opinion in a particular conversation where I was informing her of a decision I had made and didn't want input.  She felt I was wrong to not frame it in a way to have her input.  She was correct.  I was just so tired and didn't want to debate the situation. I think about how much I love her and how impossible it is for us to have any sweet or touching contact.  These thoughts go through my mind even when we are fighting.  Yesterday, a friend of the family was seriously injured in an attack and carjacking.  I got a little teary breaking the news to DD and she abruptly interrupted and told me to turn off my crocodile tears because she knew what a phony I was.  I didn't react other than to end the conversation and tell her that I didn't want to talk any more.  Later, she asked me to finish the story and I did.   I'm deeply sad inside about her departure but carrying it okay and aware that I'm full of very mixed up feelings. We have company coming this weekend and so it will be quite sudden and strange to have her gone and other people staying in "her" room.  I'm sure I'll be plagued by many ghostlike visions of her in a sad way... .relieved to have our house back and not having to watch our conversations closely but also desperately missing her and not knowing when or if I'll see her again.  I really hate this but being as stoic as I can and feeling empathy for the trials she will be facing in her big change, and the knowledge that DH said she can not return any time soon if it doesn't work out... .on threat of leaving me.  He loves me deeply and does not want to do that, he just wants me to know how much he believes we can't afford it and it's not good for her or us to live together.   So that's my report!  Again, you're a dear to invite me to let out a little. xo 

[BPD3]

   I have never done this before in my life, but I will try typing this and see if this works

If you are asking your own child to leave your family home PLEASE be sure to communicate how much you truly care about your child.

The reason I say this is that it is so very important as your child will remember every moment of this for decades to come.

By being compassionate alot of pain will not be happening for the next 40 years or more.  A child always wants to know that you really wanted them, that you are glad they were born and that you will always love them

I have husband who was only 15 when his mentally ill mother sent him away very suddenly one day - put him on a plane and sent him from one of the country to the other.  He is now 52 years old and he has never gotten over the pain of that rejection.  I sense he has struggled to trust people all his life because of this.

I also was suddenly and without explanation sent to live somewhere when I had just turned 18 a nd it traumatized me severely - being suddenly rejected - without any warning was very damaging.  I went on to have 2 nervous breakdowns within a very short time.  I am now 55 years of age and have never gotten over the pain of this... . 

We have an 18 year old son now and I am pretty sure he has BPD and I could not even begin to imagine sending him out on his own in a huge city.

As one Professor told me - children who are suddenly forced out of the family home without explanation or logic - it is a miracle that they are sane or alive - it is that traumatic and soo confusing for the child (and humiliating and embarassing... .)

PLEASE be sure to let your child know that you respect and care about them.  You won't regret it.  I hope and pray that compassion and kind hearts are with you all.  All the Best!

[thefixermom]

Good morning, BPD3, I appreciate your input and agree very much with you.    My DD is 38 years old and this is about the 4th or 5th time she's returned home and she is leaving by her own wishes.  We have tried to get her to stay local but she has it in her head, once again, that the grass is greener far away from family and loved ones, despite their desire to include her in their lives.  Each time she has moved away in the past, we supported her with more help and $ than we could afford, setting her up as comfortably as we could and seeking out support in the area where she was moving.  This time, we are letting her mostly do it on her own, since it is her desire, not ours, that she move so far again, plus we just don't have the funds.  I have never literally kicked her out of the house, even at a time when she was physically and verbally abusive. Instead, we brought in people to calm her down and restore peace to the best of our ability.  Things are a lot better than they used to be but she is always on the verge of estrangement and is unable to see her part in the family discord which surrounds her. I do not have a perfect extended family, but they are not so bad, and have helped her several times over the years. My DH, her stepdad, loves her very much and he wants to see her succeed but he believes she may crash and burn again and want to come home, have us carry her while she "recovers" from her decision and he says he just doesn't believe we should do that again. Of course, if this comes to pass, it will only reinforce her belief system that we are not here for her and how awful and evil we are.  I want to be her safe haven in the storm of life but also see that he is right, that we are not allowing her to dig down deep and develop new skills and see what she is made of and grow up in ways she has not yet been made to do.  As a mother, I always fear something terrible will happen to her from some foolish decision when she is on her own, as it has in the past, and I pray that she has learned from those experiences and will not put herself in harm's way if we choose to not welcome her back this next go 'round.

I'm very sorry for the trauma you and your husband have endured.  Please know that I do all that I'm allowed to do (by her) when it comes to expressing my love and care for her.  She will let me help her in any way but she does receive me saying, "I love you."  Some years back when she was living in a travel trailer on our property and she fell in the mud, she asked if she could come in to use our shower.  I should have said yes but I told her no, because my Dh was bedridden at that time and she had broke in through a window, physically attacked me in front of him and called us names and generally greatly upset him while in a fragile condition.  He pleaded with me to not let her back in the house.  And while she was in a state of mind where she would not have bothered us in that way at the time of her falling in the mud, I still told her no.  She did have her own shower in the travel trailer, I reasoned, and even though it was very cluttered and inconvenient for her, I told myself that was a consequence of how she lived and the behaviors she had chosen.   But as it seems to be for pwBPD, she had no recollection of treating Dh and I badly, and if she did recall her behaviors, they were always justified in her mind.  She felt I was being cruel and deliberately sabotaging her life (I'm so sick of hearing the word "sabotage" every day!) and that fateful decision that I made that day to not let her in the house to shower was the last straw in her mind and she brings it up every single time all these years later whenever I show her any affection or love.  She cuts me off and says, "You didn't love me that day when you let me stay muddy. You are no mother!"  I have apologized, I have expressed I wish I could go back and do it differently, all to no avail.  She has shut that door permanently and has zero desire to open it, despite the countless things we and I have done for her since then, including living in our home for free and helping her through some big projects she took on. 

I'm a big believer in grace.  I do my best to not carry my childhood woundings with me in life and I forgive others quickly because I appreciate being forgiven for my own bad behaviors.  I do not want to take pain forward in my life.  I want to live a life of love and care and empathy and acceptance.  I may fail regularly at it, but I hold it up as a goal and find that I smile and am light-hearted a lot more when I remember that.

[lbjnltx]

All in all it sounds like you're making it ok.

Let us know that she makes it to her final destination in tact. 

There will be a transition period for all of you and it is good that you are aware of the dichotomous thoughts/reality.



lbj

[Kate4queen]

I really hope you don't mind me saying this, but you sound like such a wonderful, caring person that I wonder whether you and your family are sort of stuck repeating the same sequence of events over and over again-she takes, you give, you validate you forgive and she... .takes.

I'm wondering whether with her gone for a little while whether you and your DH could reassess your boundaries? I totally understand about loving and caring for your child however old they are (my BPD son is 23)  but detaching with love is also about making your life better. Its almost like you are trying so hard to give her everything she wants that your resentment is building up-totally understandably.

The only thing I can change about the way my son talks about me to others is how I react to it. He tells people we kicked him out of our home just before major spinal surgery and refused to come and visit him in hospital or in rehab or talk to the surgeon. (all not true as we paid for everything, had to fight to even be allowed to meet with the surgeon and were banned by my son from contacting the hospital-legally apparently) but that's his story and he gets so much sympathy from everyone for it. It hurts but I've learned that when people do get to know us they realize things aren't as clear cut as my son might make it sound. I'm sure the couple who are living with you will work it out. And also, my son could rarely keep his persona intact with anyone so they often saw the real person underneath eventually.

So please, look after yourselves because you just sound worn out with caring and you do deserve better. Maybe just think about how you will react if she wants to come back again? Set new boundaries maybe?

Please ignore all of this if it doesn't work for you. I just felt so bad for you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elizabeth22]

Hi fixermom - It just breaks my heart to read about how your daughter treats you. And now it is affecting your marriage as well. I say this with love   I don't think we can fix our children at the expense of ourselves and our other loved ones. It is clear that you have gone above and beyond, to the point of self sacrifice, and the pattern keeps repeating. I was once talking to my friend, who is an MSW about how my son was discilpining his son and how I thought it was too harsh. She asked me if it was working, and I said no. She told me to ask my son why he keeps doing it if its not working. Reading your words tonight, I thought I would relay that thought to you. Only you can decide what you will do and how far you will go and if its working or not.

Please take care of yourself and DH, you have both been through enough. It is true that you cannot control what your adult child says about you (I am in a similar situation now and everyone knows me and they don't believe the lies) to people you don't really know, or anyone else for that matter. But in the end, the person you are will shine through and those who know you and even those who don't will know the truth. It's painful, I know, and my heart goes out to you.

My son and I are now estranged, and honestly, I am grateful for the break from him and uBPD DIL. It's ok to want space, its ok to take care of yourself, its ok to stop worrying and enjoy the other things in your life that make you happy. You deserve it.

I know that feeling of "trying not to feel sick", I am feeling it right now as well. Sometimes I just have to take it a minute at a time and try to work my way out of the feeling. I am not always successful. Maybe with some space and time, you will begin to feel better. That is my wish for you, along with all the other good things you deserve.

Your name interests me, "fixermom". I was the fixer in my family when I was a child. I slip back into the role easily now. It's a great burden. I am trying to stop and think before I "fix", because we can't fix everything, as much as we really desire to. I suppose the reason for that is that we are all just one person and most times it takes more than one person, it takes willing people, to fix a situation. Please don't be hard on yourself. Please recognize that you are important too. And please know that we can't fix people who do not want to be fixed, no matter how much we love them and no matter how hard we try.

[lbjnltx]

How are you doing thefixermom?

Did the transition go as planned?