If I was in a balanced place...

[Lost Out]

I realize today that when my BPD partner said to me that she was a "nothing",  I was just stunned and confused. But looking back I see how unbalanced I was in that relationship. In the beginning, when I met her I was in such a good balanced place, I told her daily that I was honored that she was in my life. I was. Everyone honors me and someone that loves me honors me in a big way. But the whole thing just wore me down until I was just a shell of a person, doing everything I could to manage her and be careful not to set off any land mines.

But from this distance, I now see that when she said she was a "nothing", I should have honored that too. That is a huge revelation to me, something so deep and revealing. She was telling me exactly what was going on. That is nothing to be taken lightly. But it is hugely confusing at the time it is said, it just does not compute to the non. We feel like they are everything. I am not saying I should be in relationship with her, when someone says something like that you know that there is something amiss. That is the time to ask for help and be loving, which can mean stepping back from her. Which I wish I did at that moment.

All this means is that after almost three years of knowing her I feel like I can see a small part of me that got lost, so very lost, in trying to please someone who will never be fully pleased. I have a long way to go. But I can see a sliver light today... .its a good day.

[sas1729]

"shell of a person" and "setting off land mines" are expressions that I used a lot. I completely understand what you mean when you discuss losing yourself to taking care of someone else. It is what happened to me. The day I broke up I was completely lost. I did not remember or know who I was anymore. It's hard to find yourself again, but you will. It's hard to remember that the good moments do not outweigh the bad ones. And it's hard to accept that the sacrifice and devotion you put into the relationship was ultimately for naught.

But you will find yourself, and you won't let it happen again.