Hit a wall

[Brookezee]

Hello all,  I have finally sought out others who possibly have a clue as to what I'm talking about.  I'm not sure why it has taken me so long being that the Internet has been at my fingertips for so long.  My mother has BPD - diagnosed by an ex-boyfriend about 17 yrs ago who was getting a degree in psychology. I read the DSM-4 that day and went, yep that's it.  Just last year i went to a counselor and she confirmed that diagnosis to be right on. 

Having said that i just am at a loss lately.  Does BPD get worse with age?

I live about 1 min from driveway to driveway from my mom.  I have 3 very healthy, energetic boy children who are a huge blessing, but i also have auto-immune type health issues (fibromyalgia) along with chronic migraines.  I say that because i need help often bc i don't feel very well often.  So I've tried to just be done with her,  but that is also overwhelming. 

Another thing is that she is divorced, lives alone and i am only child  -  does anyone else have this dynamic (mainly the only child thing),  because it makes it to where "I'm all she has".  Which is just hard. 

The main issue i have is that she is very very critical of me,  but she has never done a single thing wrong EVER. 

Background: grew up in a non-Christian home - dad an  alcoholic,  lots of fighting,  but mom and i were great when i did and thought everything her way.  When i grew up and became my own person,  everything changed.  She didn't like me when i did drugs and she doesn't like me now - i got saved 10 years ago.  She's critical of every relationship I've ever had and had this thing where she prides herself on keeping the family together,  but has never accepted my family.  I lived with her from 6 mos preg as a single mom -  when my son was almost 4 i got married to a man from my church.  She wrongly felt that she "lost a child"  the day we got married and was not happy about me getting married even though i found a good godly man.  She treats my 1st born like her own son and has rejected my 2nd son.  The favoritism breaks my heart because my son is a beautiful child but she only sees negative things about him.  I have a 3rd baby whom for  whatever reason had gotten her stamp of approval. 

Ok that's about it,  i hate that she's my mother,  but sometimes when she's normal, it's a delight.  Any and all comfort and advice is welcome. 

[keldubs78]

Welcome.  I'm an only child too and my dad who put up with her for 40 years just passed away.  So, I can understand your feeling that you are all she has.  It's a terrible disorder to have to deal with.  On some level I feel that the only peace I will ever have is if I cut her out of my life, but like my dad, I don't really have the heart to do that.  Luckily, I live 4 hours away so I don't have your issue of being physically in close proximity all the time.  She does have to rely on neighbors, friends and her sister who lives near her so I am thankful for that.  Despite that though, she relies on me by phone as her emotional dumping ground and addresses me as if I should be fixing all her problems for her.  She is not good at doing anything for herself and relies on others to fulfill her needs emotionally and otherwise.  When they do not (and rarely can anyone make her happy), she lashes out and feels justified in saying and doing whatever she wants because she thinks she's being "attacked."  I also identify with what you are saying about how she shows favoritism to one of her grandchildren over the others.  My mom does this too.  Just keep reading and posting.  If nothing else, this site is very helpful just in validating that this is in fact a disorder that truly exists (I think I grew up thinking everything she did was in my head) and that others understand.  It's extremely frustrating and isolating to have a relationship with your own mother that you can't really explain to others.  My mom is a master at making outsiders think she's the greatest.  Behind closed doors and with those she's closest to, it's a completely different story.  That is a hard thing to come to terms with because it makes us as the child feel like we are crazy or wrong in our perceptions.  They are master manipulators.  And, to answer your question, yes.  In my experience, BPD absolutely gets worse with age.

[justAkid]

Hello,

I too hit a wall and came here this week. Welcome. I also have a mother that I realized has BPD. She also has NPD. To answer your question if it gets worse with age. I think it changes. The interpersonal skills get honed and better. The manipulation to get what you want, the being a master of how to be passive aggressive (if that is your type), how to get your needs met gets more "mastered" perhaps. When I was younger, my mother was more full of rage. She had more stressors when all of us kids were young and money was tight. So she snapped. A lot. And she would become very violent. She became what I called, "The Bad Mom". Then she seemed to switch back suddenly and good mom would come out and be making brownies after a horrid beating and chasing us. And she would act like the rampage never happened.

These days we are all grown. She doesn't have the stressors in the same way. Now it is more about relational stuff and how we can be there for her and do her bidding. She is queen of all she surveys and it is about if we measure up enough and it is about her passive aggressive (or just aggressive, depending on which sibling you are) criticisms and her martyrdom. It is very difficult to have a relationship with her. But I won't ever stop wanting a mom. I have stopped wanting THIS mom. Yet, she does still manage to push my buttons... .that is what I am working on now.

Bless you.