Did the push/pull leave you confused? In terms of how you thought you felt?

[problemsolver]

As title... .Basically i'm curious to know how the push pull affected you? Did it confuse the way you thought/ think of your partner? It's hard to word this but I hope people understand the question...

Example . My BPDex would often say she's unsure about her feelings etc... etc ... When she would tell me these things sometimes I would wonder , do I really like this person as much as I think I do... ? they seem so hot/cold - up/down about me... It made me unsure of how I felt towards her... I just kind of thought how can people fluctuate so quickly... it just seemed for a lack of better words "fake" which made me confused about how I felt.

Cheers.

[joeramabeme]

just kind of thought how can people fluctuate so quickly... it just seemed for a lack of better words "fake" which made me confused about how I felt.

I openly reflected to my pwBPD that I felt she treated facets of our relationship like a light switch; on/off, on/off over and again.  She would always gaze back at me kind of empty when I said this as it did not register for her.  It was so unnerving for me.  If we were getting closer she would move away and then I would get resentful towards her and also move away to which she would become upset and say you are not close.  And I would then move closer and then she would push me away.

I remember thinking; is it me or is it her?  Am I overreacting or is she completely unaware of her behavior.  It was all very confusing for me. 

I came from a home where I was always questioned about the validity of my feelings, so her version of the story and challenge to me was all it took to make me think it was me which only lead to deeper levels of confusion.

[LifeExperience]

Absolutely. I knew her love wasn't reliable day to day. Which to me was extremely unattractive. In relationships arguments are necessary at times, wavering on the strength of the love we had grew tiresome. Having a solid foundation of your SO "being there for you no matter what," is a requirement my BPD sadly never met.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Definitely. My ex was always saying she couldn't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay. I think it was ultimately an excuse. I mean who takes 10 years in a committed relationship to decide they can't be gay. And she is a therapist. Ultimately all of it was an excuse and I think a tactic used to keep me on the defensive all the time about our relationship, like "don't count on me, don't depend on me, I may not be here someday!"

I have a matchbook that she gave me in sept, 2005 that said "I love you." The next time she  saw me she must have taken it from me and wrote, oct, 2005, "STILL in love with you." 30 days time, and she says still in love with you. Not MORE in love with you, but STILL. Who says that? Someone who knows they can't commit to a relationship, married or not.

[cloudten]

Yes, with one caveat: I have relationship OCD... .so I generally think (ruminate) about this with every person I am with. The BPD r/s didnt make me/my rOCD any worse... .it was the same as normal... .except I used my rOCD as a crutch to stay because I thought I was the crazy one and over reacting... .so I would put the blame on my reaction to his messed up stuff as my own messed up head. This was one person I wish I would have listened to my ocd because the r/s wouldn't have even started in the first place.

[chill1986]

It confused the hell out of me. I was never sure where I stood.

I remember one time saying to my sister, she (my ex) is going to break up with me, she hates me. Then the next day it was fine.

Another time, the week before our break up, she hadn't been speaking to me for a week and we went out to dinner with my parents, pointed out some of my flaws at dinner to my parents, but then talked about the future and how they would have to visit more. Exactly one week later she ended it.

It's unsettling, I never knew what mood she would be in coming through the door. It made it impossible to plan anything like drinks out or dinner.

[SummerStorm]

It confused the hell out of me. I was never sure where I stood.

I remember one time saying to my sister, she (my ex) is going to break up with me, she hates me. Then the next day it was fine.

Another time, the week before our break up, she hadn't been speaking to me for a week and we went out to dinner with my parents, pointed out some of my flaws at dinner to my parents, but then talked about the future and how they would have to visit more. Exactly one week later she ended it.

It's unsettling, I never knew what mood she would be in coming through the door. It made it impossible to plan anything like drinks out or dinner.

It confused the hell out of me and my mom, as well.  One day, it was,  "She just wants to be friends now."  A few days later, it was,  "Mom, she wants to live with me.  She wants to be with me."  My mom didn't like her to begin with, so the push/pull really pissed her off.

I also stopped planning things. I got tired of her canceling on me all the time, so I did things by myself or spent time with my parents. This caused her abandonment fears to show up, and I would try to make up for it, but then she would say that I was being clingy.