Where am I going?

[leroux1818]

I haven't seen her in seven months, and October will be the 1 year anniversary of our separating. I just found out she's been having sex with more than one man, and has a "boyfriend" right now. She says she doesn't love him, and it's not serious--as if that makes it hurt less. Before i pried it out of her if she's been seeing other men, she told me she wanted to remain in contact and be friends, but that she could not remain married to me. She said she was untrustworthy, jealous, and has severe issues. She said I should go get myself a girlfriend. And when I asked if she was seeing someone, burst into tears on the phone, saying no no no no I don't want to hurt you anymore. I knew she was. She eventually admitted to it, saying she was a horrible person, but then said she was lonely, and that's why she has a boyfriend now, while I've been in a constant state of agony, longing, and sadness for a year and half.

I don't know if she has BPD or not. But it's the only thing that makes sense. Everything I've read about Borderlines and codependent relationships resonates with me. I know I have codependent issues now. Because when i look back, I see the obvious red flags I chose to ignore for some reason. And I don't know why. I honestly felt--despite the bad things--that she was the "one". I couldn't forget her after I first met her. BUT, even then, there were red flags.

I think we're playing out the roles of a BPD/codependent relationship to a T. Looking back, despite the good things, she always overstepped boundaries, and I said yes to them all. ALL of them! Which filled me with shame and guilt. But I just could not stop. She cheated on me three times with two different men during our relationship. I took her back. Because I couldn't imagine a world where we weren't together.

We separated because she stopped coming home. Over the course of a week, everything changed. Or maybe it didn't. reality just came knocking. She had always been jealous to the point of paranoia. I was walking on eggshells. Couldn't watch certain movies. I mean, she got upset after watching a simpsons episode where homer is tempted to cheat on marge. It freaked her out! We couldn't walk down the street without her asking me if I was looking at the victoria secret billboard. And all this fear, just made me super sensitive to it. So of course, i noticed every and all beautiful women, and Id start freaking out. She saw me freak out. She'd freak out! it was horrible. AND, i gave her all my time. I took her to work, came to her on my lunch breaks, and escorted her home. I didn'r really mind doing these things at first, but it also kept me from doing things for me. So of course, I started to resent her a bit. I felt, in codependent fashion, that I had taken you back after three infidelities, why are you still worried I'm going to leave you or want to have sex with someone else?

She had no friends.

Until, one night she did. And when she made this friend from work--a nice girl, but alcoholic and unstable herself--my wife stopped coming home. three to four days at a time. I wouldn't see her. And she never ever ever invited me out to meet her friends, after I'd tried so damn hard to try and make her feel comfortable around my friends--who of course she was afraid of. She dropped me. In the span of one week. She went from clingy, to never around. And it was the first time in our relationship that she did not care how it affected me. I mean, clearly she didn't care enough when she cheated again, but at least afterward she showed remorse and guilt. But this time, when I said I was hurt, she had the uncanny ability to put things forward, that I just accepted that i was the source of this problem. And the cancer began to grow. Months later, we were on the subway. She had stayed home for a night to placate me. I asked her if she was staying over again. She said no. So i said I was leaving. And I moved out. She said she neglected me because I demanded too much! I complained so much, and had low self esteem issues and it was hard to deal with. Well, my God! Does that justify leaving for days on end? I always was willing to work. I even went to therapy to deal with my "controlling husband ways". My therapist eventually said, "We know you get angry. We already know that. But it sounds like she's not putting your needs first." BOOM! That's right.

So why all this pain? well, I guess that's why I'm on here. I've been in an extraordinary amount of pain. I don't think i've experience anything like this since my earliest childhood where there was abuse from my alcoholic father. I wouldn't be surprised if there are issues from that cropping up here. Finding out she had been screwing some guy she doesn't love for the last seven months--maybe even more--crippled me. I was screaming in tears, on the floor. AND STILL, i long for her. Isn't that insane!

I eventually told her I will not speak to her anymore. Mostly because I agonize over the the perfect thing to say to try and get her to "see the light". And it was driving me crazy. I've emailed her about our phone bill, and kept it simple and business oriented, but she still hasn't paid it, and now its past due. I think she's trying to get me into texting or calling her. But I don't want to. I don't want to hear her voice because I'll cry, and i don't want to see her texts because it hurts so much to see how superficial her dealings with me are.

Am i doing the right thing? Am I being too cruel to her, even though she's suffering from this mental illness? When will I stop dreaming about her, and find my own life again? How come, after all this, I can't imagine being with anybody else? How come, I still long for her, and the magic times we spent being cozy?

Anyway, thank you all who read this long winded story. There's more, so much more I left out, but I figured if I went into too much detail, I'd be on here all day. Any kind words, support, advice, ideas, or anything. Would be great. I'm trying to reach out now. Thanks again.

-Leroux

[once removed]

hey leroux1818, and welcome to bpdfamily 

youve come to the right place to reach out. good on you for doing so.

it sounds like youve been through a lot of emotional turmoil (and understandably still are), and that youve determined leaving is the healthiest thing for you. thats a tough decision to reach that involves a great deal of mourning  .

is that cruel? generally, no, exiting a relationship is not an act of cruelty. in fact sometimes its the most loving action, for ourselves, and even our partners. it sounds to me like not speaking is out of protection for yourself (if not both of you) as opposed to punishing her.

infidelity is devastating. it can be incredibly difficult to repair those wounds and rebuild trust and it doesnt sound as if this person is willing to take that on. perhaps she cant. i think i read a bit of projection on her part with the fear and paranoia of you cheating. this was the case in my relationship, constant, imagined accusations. it wasnt until the relationship concluded that i realized thered been multiple instances of cheating. ive seen my friends go through a similar dynamic. generally when a person cheats, it can make them hyper vigilant about being caught, coupled with tremendous guilt and shame. for some people, it can lead to thoughts like "if im doing this, my partner must be doing it too."

"So why all this pain? well, I guess that's why I'm on here. I've been in an extraordinary amount of pain. I don't think i've experience anything like this since my earliest childhood where there was abuse from my alcoholic father. I wouldn't be surprised if there are issues from that cropping up here."

i wouldnt be surprised either, and im very sorry you went through that  . many members here find that their wounds have a deeper more long term origin, and that the traumatic nature of the breakup rips them open. its a very useful connection to make, and again, youve come to the right place.

hang in there, we will help you through this. are you still continuing to see a therapist?

[lostjak]

Leroux,

Keep reading posts here. It will help. You may come to the realitization I did, the good times were not as many as I remembered. keep talking.

[soar]

A lot of what you said resonated with me. One of the reasons my ex gave for not wanting to be with me was that I "demanded too much of her". I don't believe that's true, we deserve a gf who is going to treat us with the same love and attention as we give them, you deserve nothing less full stop.

Do not beat yourself up for longing for her. I am the same and I don't think I'm a bad guy, I was just got into a really unfortunate relationship. We've been in a relationship with someone who is not mentally well but we weren't aware. When we processed their behaviour we did it thinking that they think like us, they don't. It messes with your head. I think the way they give and then withdraw love is highly addictive. People with BPD are so seductive, it's spell bounding. But, and this is the important bit, you cannot survive in a relationship with someone who has BPD (and is not aware/in therapy). So not matter how beautiful they were, how amazing they made you feel, you have to accept that the relationship cannot last and will only bring you pain like you're feeling now.

[joeramabeme]

I don't know if she has BPD or not. But it's the only thing that makes sense. Everything I've read about Borderlines and codependent relationships resonates with me.

I can relate.  I had been in therapy with spouse for years and nothing ever seemed to resonate like when I read about BPD.  The whole concept was so foreign when I first heard about it that I almost glossed right over it.  In hindsight I would say, if you feel that this makes sense, then you are very likely in the right place, listen to your internal guidance.

Many of us arrive here feeling like you do.  Keep reading and keep posting.  You will feel your feet begin to touch the ground and gain a sense of connection to this community and yourself.

[leroux1818]

Thank you all for replying to me. I've re-read your posts all day. It was soothing as the memories and torturous thoughts of her face came bubbling up.

Once Removed Thank you for addressing these issues. To answer your question about therapy: I am actually going to start moving forward with therapy tomorrow. I haven't been in months, almost a year, I think, because my therapist moved to Morocco and I moved back to California to be with family and figure this stuff out. I've put off therapy all these months because, frankly, I didn't want to let her go. This new revelation has helped me understand there is no way forward unless I start taking the steps. I'm no stranger to therapy, but honestly I hate trying to find new ones. I'll keep you updated on this issue.

Its hart for me to understand why someone can't try to repair this kind of damage. Why they wouldn't want to. But I guess this ties into Soar's comment. "When we processed their behaviour we did it thinking that they think like us, they don't."  YES! This struck me. I have felt like this. Just the bafflement. The frustration and completely flabbergasted.

I'm still so pissed off that she's choosing not to get better. Is that a common feeling? But, who am I kidding? She went to two different therapists when we were together, and stopped going to both. She's hell bent on not fixing herself. A large part of me feels such compassion for her mental anguish. But there just doesn't seem to be anything more to do, but to walk away.

Joerambeme Thank you for your support to that concern of mine. There was a worry that I might be wrong, but I guess that doesn't matter. What matters is I've lost control of my life, and surrounded too much of myself to someone who could NOT give back.

Again thank you all for replying.