So many people with the same story

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am new here but from the post I have read I feel like we are all in the same boat. I have been with my wife 19 years married 11. We have 2 boys 8 and 6 and were having a pretty great life together. As late as this February I felt it was as good as our marriage had ever been. Well by the end of March I was in a lawyers office and sleeping on a friends couch. We had what I thought were the usual ups and downs in marriage but looking back those were around the times of she had post partum with our kids, a miscarriage and the death of her grandfather who had raised her and was her favorite person. Probably all triggers one after another. Recently she had taking a higher management  position at a company an hour away from our home and between the weather the drive and the stress of the position it really took its toll on her. She would come home put on sweat pants and drink a bottle of wine in bed. No house work or dinner or homework with boys. I thought I was being a good husband but see now I was was enabling and codependent. Finally in March she tells me she had an affair with her high school boyfriend she had been in contact on Facebook for some time, she did not love me and was not attracted to me anymore. 2 weeks later she says she had made a huge mistake and wants counseling to help the marriage a week after that she wants her space and me texting goodnight I love you were annoying and bothering her. I had become the trigger to her rage or depression. She has had similar falling outs over the years with her mom her best friend and cousin who she hung out with everyday. She has backed her self into a corner financially and socially  and isolated herself from her family and our friends. She has not been diagnosed as far as I know with BPD but has never really treated her mental issues. She went to a therapist once and argued with her and never went back. She said she needed to up her antidepressants and the next day she said she was having a midlife crisis. I laughed it off and told her not to buy a corvette. Everything I read tells me to run away and never look back but with our boys this is not an option. I don't speak to her and avoid her to minimize an encounter that could set her off and make our divorce more problematic. But I hope me not speaking her doesn't set her off either. As much a pain in the ass she could be we were best friends before we started dating and I miss what we had on those good days so much. No I feel I am stuck with the shell of the person I dedicated my life to and have to try to raise my boys with her. I at this point it's not my business to ask if she is going to therapy or if she's been diagnosed with anything but because of the boys a part of me feels like I should know if she is working on things. Ugh I can't believe this is my life

[Tobiasfunke]

I am new here but from the post I have read I feel like we are all in the same boat. I have been with my wife 19 years married 11. We have 2 boys 8 and 6 and were having a pretty great life together. As late as this February I felt it was as good as our marriage had ever been. Well by the end of March I was in a lawyers office and sleeping on a friends couch. We had what I thought were the usual ups and downs in marriage but looking back those were around the times of she had post partum with our kids, a miscarriage and the death of her grandfather who had raised her and was her favorite person. Probably all triggers one after another. Recently she had taking a higher management  position at a company an hour away from our home and between the weather the drive and the stress of the position it really took its toll on her. She would come home put on sweat pants and drink a bottle of wine in bed. No house work or dinner or homework with boys. I thought I was being a good husband but see now I was was enabling and codependent. Finally in March she tells me she had an affair with her high school boyfriend she had been in contact on Facebook for some time, she did not love me and was not attracted to me anymore. 2 weeks later she says she had made a huge mistake and wants counseling to help the marriage a week after that she wants her space and me texting goodnight I love you were annoying and bothering her. I had become the trigger to her rage or depression. She has had similar falling outs over the years with her mom her best friend and cousin who she hung out with everyday. She has backed her self into a corner financially and socially  and isolated herself from her family and our friends. She has not been diagnosed as far as I know with BPD but has never really treated her mental issues. She went to a therapist once and argued with her and never went back. She said she needed to up her antidepressants and the next day she said she was having a midlife crisis. I laughed it off and told her not to buy a corvette. Everything I read tells me to run away and never look back but with our boys this is not an option. I don't speak to her and avoid her to minimize an encounter that could set her off and make our divorce more problematic. But I hope me not speaking her doesn't set her off either. As much a pain in the ass she could be we were best friends before we started dating and I miss what we had on those good days so much. No I feel I am stuck with the shell of the person I dedicated my life to and have to try to raise my boys with her. I at this point it's not my business to ask if she is going to therapy or if she's been diagnosed with anything but because of the boys a part of me feels like I should know if she is working on things. Ugh I can't believe this is my life

[once removed]

hey tobiasfunke and welcome to bpdfamily 

its true, many of us have similar stories here, and so many members can relate to aspects of your situation. it can be very comforting.

it does sound like your wife went through a tremendous amount, and in a very short time. understandable that those events would be triggering for her. it also sounds like shes put you through a great deal too, infidelity is devastating  . the push pull behavior in the middle of all of that just adds to a great deal of confusion. it sounds like youve done your best to be a good husband.

"Everything I read tells me to run away and never look back but with our boys this is not an option."

this is a highly personal decision, and your children are certainly a consideration, to put it lightly. am i correct in reading that you are seeking a divorce? as the son of a family lawyer, i know the process is very difficult for everyone involved. we do have a legal board on this forum that you may want to utilize:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

we also have a coparenting board that may help you focus on the best interests of your children:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0

hang in there tobias, and please keep posting. we are here for you.

[goateeki]

Eerily similar story here.  It might differ in its details but the basic dynamic was the same.  I commenced a divorce action last October after six months of fake marriage counseling.  Since last October my ex (diagnosed) has contacted me a few times with what one might reasonably detect to be expressions of regret and also of frustration that she now lives in an apartment near the railroad tracks where my son (8) and daughter (11) are forced to share a bedroom.  I had to pull the rip cord on it though and have no regrets.  It was killing me.

I have spoken with my T on my conclusion that everything that is a plus in my life now is a minus in the lives of my children.  I am free of a woman who maybe four or five times in 20 years initiated affection and lectured me on such topics as proper towel folding, toothbrush rinsing, bed making, and the putting away of clean dishes.  There was not a single domestic activity that she didn't feel entitled to lecture me endlessly on.  And now I'm with a woman who is peaceful and nonjudgmental, and has inside her a certain quantum of joy at being alive that never ebbs.  It's wonderful.

So I mentioned to my T that viewing how great my life is now and how this has disrupted the lives of my children greatly, and, well, that causes some guilt. 

My ex has one of the most sordid family histories you're likely to come across. Her father is a nonentity who has just taken being cuckolded and begged my ex's mom (my former MIL) to return.  A book could be written on my ex's FOO, and this does not even touch upon the sexual trauma she suffered as a young adult (stranger rape). 

My T asked me to consider how me forcing an end to a bad marriage (my own) might in some way help the children understand limits, and that my new relationship (being far more loving and kind) could provide for them a roadmap or an example of what a good relationship between a man and a woman looks like.  He asked me to consider how the life of my ex -- seeing her father cuckolded and him doing nothing about it but begging for the return of his whorish wife -- set in my ex certain expectations of a man, expectations that I dashed by ending the marriage simply for the lack of warmth and incessant lecturing. 

As crazy as it sounds, the end of an unhealthy relationship between their parents can for children be a benefit, if only because it makes their reality a (potentially) better one.  This is something I would never have believed until very recently. 

[Mutt]

Hi Tobiasfunke,



I would like to join once removed and goateeki and welcome you. I can understand how agonizing that would feel if February was a good month and by March your sleeping on your friends couch and consulting a L. I'm sorry your going through all of this.

2 weeks later she says she had made a huge mistake and wants counseling to help the marriage a week after that she wants her space and me texting goodnight I love you were annoying and bothering her.

A pwBPD have identity disturbance and a persistent unstable sense of self; the person is not sure who they are and they retain their sense of self through their partner.

I had become the trigger to her rage or depression.

If the pwBPD feel like their sense of self is under attack they may retaliate with anger. This is known as the push / pull behavior and when the pwBPD is feeling engulfed they feel like their sense of self will be swallowed up or annihilated and will push their partner away and when the fear of abandonment is triggered from the distance; the pull behavior.

She has had similar falling outs over the years with her mom her best friend and cousin who she hung out with everyday.

Often a pwBPD will have unstable interpersonal relationships with others and have dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking or "splitting" and view people as either "all good" or "all bad" and have difficulties seeing a person as an integrated whole.

I at this point it's not my business to ask if she is going to therapy or if she's been diagnosed with anything

I think that you have the right idea. We're not mental health professionals and we can look at characteristics and traits whether the person has BPD or has a similar personality style. Here's an article that should help.

Why are therapists hesitant to give a BPD diagnosis?

We're glad that you have found us. Many members here share similar stories as your thread title points out and it helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.


----Mutt